Sign my name to Mary's post. I totally agree.

Linda

I haven't been to many funerals, but I always find the viewings odd.

I've been to a couple of funerals where that is the only time I've ever seen the person. That felt pretty weird too.

I usually do, but not always. People always seem to understand, anyway. They're just glad you're there.

My friend was so appreciative, and came outside to give me hug.
It hasn't hit her YET that her DH is gone, Her time will come!

Funeral is next! Tomorrow at 12.

I understand not wanting to view the body -- it can be upsetting and you haven't had much time to process this unexpected passing.
You are not alone in this.

Several of my family members and some friends have had open-casket services. Over time I have become somewhat more comfortable with this challenging experience.

I remind myself that we are not our bodies -- the true essence of our loved ones does not rest within the casket but has passed beyond the veil.

I never go up to view the bodies. I would rather remember people as they were when they were alive.

I viewed both my parents while they were laying in wake. Both had lived a long lives and were ready to "go", which made it easier for me. My dad was the first to go. I have an image burned into my memory that I shall never forget: Throughout their married life, my mother had complained much to dad about this and that, but the most hurtful thing for me to hear was her ranting about his lack of ambition, and now she stood alone and stooped in stature before his casket. The morning sun cast beams lighting tiny dust particles in the air and formed a backdrop. With a tear in her eye, she quietly leaned forward and touched his hand for a moment and whispered to herself, "Goodbye until we meet again.".

Mother lived another 24 years, and then it was her turn. Two years before she passed away, she confided to me that she had been praying to pass some night in her sleep. She was ready to go.

To me, a viewing represents closure, the final goodbye.

Both of my parents-in-law willed their bodies to the medical profession, so there were no public viewings.

A long time ago, a veiwing by a close ralative or close aquaintence was needed to assure the authorities that the person they were burying had been correctly identified.

Like Jemdandy, I think viewing gives a sort of closure for me. I don't mind seeing the person and it gives me a chance I might not have had before to say goodby. And I've found that it doesn't alter how I remember him or her.

I personally think an open casket is bizarre.

Viewing a dead body does not bother me. I don't really care for funerals at all. I prefer a memorial service to a funeral. My persona beliefs don't require all the ceremony over the deceased. I don't care for the 3 ring circuses some funerals become. I have avoided funerals and then later paid my respects at the graveside if there is one. It's a private thing to me. Funerals have little to do with the person but a lot to do with the living. Not against them, not for them.

I really hate people showing up to funerals of people they don't even know. The celebrity funerals are insane.

Glenda, I don't view the body either. Would rather remember them from when I spent time with them. Have already instructed my family, no open casket for me. Don't want folks standing over me saying, I look so rested or at peace.

i won't either. i want to remember them as they were vital, alive people...it was bad enough the memories of my mother and father passing...we didn't have any viewing for either...nor when my half sister passed...

I agree with Jemdandy, viewing the deceased gives me a sense of closure as I say my final goodbye. My DH on the other hand wants no part of the viewing.

I'm not bothered looking at the corpse but I get nothing out of it. Much depends on the situation. I do get troubled looking at someone I knew as active and vibrant who during their dying time withered away to skin and bones or something. Then I'd rather remember them as they were.

So many people want to hear the line didn't they look like themself? which I think is crazy. Normally, they look dead. So often it's a mockery to the dead person for the satisfaction of the family and friends. For instance, my great uncle was buried in a suit and wearing his glasses. He was very vein about people seeing him in glasses and his attire was overalls, not a suit. The old theory you have to dress up for these occasions. I think it's a joke.

There's rare exception when I think it can be a good thing. I took comfort seeing my mother but again, she didn't look like herself. They did a good job but with what there was to work with there were limitations. I don't see it as closure. I don't really understand the closure cliche. I do think you might think things or say things you otherwise wouldn't and maybe for some that's "closure" but I think you can do that without looking at a corpse.

I'm not too big on funerals, but will occasionally go out of respect for the survivors, when so equipped.

and during the funeral services here, most times they put the open casket where you have to walk by.

It got to the point, that I won't go to a funeral unless Jerry can go too. Then I can take his arm, and keep my eyes shut.

I just don't want to look!

Moni

Id rather remember the person as
i knew them dont like the funeral,viewing thing,I want private funeral,viewing just immediate family.

I've been to lots of funerals and always have viewed the body. I also think it helps with closure. When I have went to services without an open casket I had a hard time believing the person was really gone.

We are having more and more cremations in our community,and I think it is so much better. I don't want to be "viewed".

It doesn't bother me.

Of course, I don't like it. But, I feel it is
respectful. I wouldn't have a viewing, but
for those who want one - I need to follow
their wishes.

It doesn't bother me - the person I knew/liked/loved isn't
in that shell.

Used to...until first DH died.
I just happened to be looking into his eyes when he died, and at that moment, I lost all fear of death and the bodies that people inhabited.

I now have no problem with going to open casket funerals.

Jemdandy, that is remarkably similar to what happened between my mom and dad in 1988. They haven't met again, yet; mom lives in a nursing home, sad for what was. You've got me weeping now.

No viewing or funeral here. Just cremate me and be done with it.......

veiwing is the custom in the state where my husband was buried but I thought it was just awful. His sister and mother arranged the whole affair, just leading me around by the hand for a yes or no and I hated the viewing. My husband would have had a hissy fit if he could have known. I would never do that to another member of my family and I pray that my family doesn't do that to me...I think viewings are just a terrible thing.

Have to add...long after I thought to myself that it was a real shame that my husband hadn't made the arrangements because he would have ordered a bar, a keg and a band....instead of all that was going on there at the time.

Monica, thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Your words gave me comfort.

I've been to more funerals that I can list here; and I usually go up the casket. If it is someone I was close to, I say my goodbyes at that time.

What Cynic said - it doesn't bother me, but I get nothing out of it. It doesn't affect at all how I remember the person, because they're not there, anyway. I do think it's bizarre when people say, "They did such a nice job with him," as though the body were a vase of flowers or something.

I remember being at my mother's funeral. My sister and I had cared for her when she was dying, and I was with her when she died, so when I saw her body, the first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "It doesn't look anything like her." Because it *didn't* - her soul was gone. (The undertaker wasn't pleased with me, though.)

As to funerals and wakes, my opinion on them totally changed when my mother died. They're uncomfortable and I get emotional, so before my mother died, I looked for ways to get out of going.

When my mother died, though, it meant so much to me that so many people came just to pay their respects. Even people who hadn't known my mom well, but who had worked with her or known her from bowling or PTA. Or people who'd never met her, but came for me, or my sister, or my brother. It touched me just to see them, and a number of them had stories about my mom that I never would have heard had they not shown up.

So now, if it even occurs to me that I maybe "should" go to the wake, I go. I don't stay long - I just sign the book, pay my respects to the family, and leave. I used to think death was only a private thing, but now I realize that there's a community aspect to it, as well. I know that when I looked around the visiting room at my mother's wake and saw all the people, it gave me a feeling of solidarity, of being supported by the community through one of life's great passages.

After my mom and dad died, and after I'd gone through this shift in thinking, I happened to be listening to NPR one afternoon when they were doing another installment in their "This I Believe" series. That day, the installment was, "Always Go to the Funeral." Said exactly what I'd been learning all along.

Here is a link that might be useful: Always Go to the Funeral

Hate funerals, hate the viewing. I don't care to see anyone's dead body, I would prefer to remember them like they were when they were alive.

I agree 100% with Ruthie. My own mother's funeral was nothing like she wanted, I think my dad just didn't want to deal with the arguements from my very Catholic grandmother (his own mother). If I had been older and not so distraught at the time, I would have done something about it. My mom was an athiest, yet had a Catholic service. She wanted cremated, she was buried. I don't even think she wanted a funeral, but she got one alright. She would have much rather had a party.

Because of that situation, my sisters and I have made it very clear to each other what we want for ourselves.

When I was coming up the casket was in the parlor or living room.Someone had to stay up all night and guard the box.I was glad the board of health changed the rule be for I was old enough to take my turn.Do you remember the death flowers they put on your front door?Am I the only one left who remembers?I really am getting old.

I don't feel comfortable going up to the casket and looking at the body. Especially if it someone other than family. Even then, I don't like to. I feel like I am intruding.

When my Daddy died, it was tragic and I was quite unprepared. (Are we ever?) Even though he and my Mom had preplanned everything, going through the motions of visitation on one day, funeral the next day and graveside rites was more than I could bear almost. I did not handle any of it well at all, even though there couldn't be an open casket.

My Mom's was a little different because I knew it was coming. Still hard. I did feel like others were intruding by going up to her casket. Now I wish we had closed.

I think people feel "obligated" to go look. I know I have and I understand why people comment on how they look, etc. I think it's because they are uncomfortable too and just what else do you say when standing there? (Yes, I've said it too, and yes it is bizarre!) Then I wonder 'what did I say that for?'

And next time when I say that, I hope I don't think about this thread and start to snicker ;)

As for me, there will be no visitation, no funeral, no nothing!!! I have already told my DH this and I believe he'll follow through.

Sorry you had such a hard day, Glenda.

Absolutely no viewing when I die. We prepaid ours back in the '80's and have explicit instructions. We're both being cremated with a memorial service and our remains will be at the National Cemetary in Bushnell. I didn't want Harry and my daughter to have to make so many decisions (some of them mundane and some very difficult).

This is my opinion only, but I sooo dislike viewings. The only way I could remember my mother was lying in that casket. My father wanted a closed casket because he didn't want people coming up and saying "Oh, he looks so natural!" so mother had a closed casket. But during the visitation my called us together and begged us to let her have the casket opened. And she did. It was for her grieving process I guess but I've always felt bad that we went against his wishes.

When my FIL died, my SIL (the oldest daughter) had a best girlfriend who came to the wake at the Funeral Parlor but would only remain in the lobby, she wouldn't enter the actual viewing room. I admired her honesty and undersrtood she was honoring the dead man and her BF in her own way. I find it grisly looking at dead people. I have told my family I want a closed coffin and cremation when my time comes. I don't want people staring at me. Remember me alive in your best memory of me.

((Monica))

Hi everyone,
I've been lurking here for a couple months now but haven't had time to really join in. This topic however caught my attention :)

After burying my mom, dad and only sibling (brother) and attending many funerals over the course of my life, I can honestly say I don't want all the fuss/bother that goes with funerals/wakes etc.

My mom was the last to pass and she did not want a funeral....creamtion/burial with my dad and that was it. So a month after she passed away we gathered a few good friends/family at the cemetery, the hole was already there for us and we said prayers, our grown sons placed her ashes into the hole and the shovel was left there for us to fill it in if we wanted too....our sons did that too.

Everyone there laid a single rose over the grave, and came back to our home for a good meal and some great laughs, remembering my mom. It was wonderful! I had put together two photo albums of my mom and everyone got a chance to look over her life and what they remembered most about her. Yes there were tears, but there was much more laughter :)

Both hubby and I do not want a funeral/wake. Whichever one leaves first will cremate the other, hold on to the ashes, and when the time comes when the other passes, we've instructed our sons to take both our ashes and to sprinkle them on a site that we chose....it was where hubby and I first met. The building no longer exists, but there is a wooded area there now.

I'd rather remember the deceased as I knew them while alive, and feel putting the family through days of mourning in public, is more than I personally could handle.

Hope you don't mind my two cents :)

Val

I truly believe that funerals, viewings, etc. are for the living - the survivors. (((Monica))) - I also no longer have any fear of death. 15 months ago I lost my DH, and I am crying as I write this. He was cremated, after the memorial service, and he was present, in a temporary casket, during the service. My son and I had debated whether to have an open casket for the viewing beforehand, but my son made that decision for me, not to - "it just doesn't look like him". Alot of the people attending the service had known him as full-bearded, and solidly built. he had lost 50 pounds, and his beard had been shaved off completely to make medical interventions easier. It did not look like the same person many there had known. I said my goodbyes at the private viewing we had for family - touched his eyebrows, his nose, his lips, his hands, kissed him on the forehead - and that's the last memory I have of him.
It was a great comfort to see the mortuary chapel just filled to capacity with friends and family, and I often get the guest book out and read the names over and over - so many came to pay respects on a Tuesday at 1:00 p.m. - in bitter, icy December two days before Christmas. That's what gives me comfort.

I don't see the point either, but I've been to several viewings. Without going into too much detail, the things that stuck out in my mind were things that weren't done right on the body, like one eye being part way open; wrinkled shirt; obvious bruising; unnatural looking makeup.

And then I don't understand how they expect the close family members to stand there the whole time greeting people as they come in. I'd be too distraught to function.

Just stick me a in a hole and throw some dirt on me. I won't know any different.

One nice thing, when my MIL passed on, her daughters assembled a collage of photos of her-from a class picture taken in elementary school to a picture of her cooking a Thanksgiving turkey, etc. It was lovely to see a review of a life well lived.

Around here it's getting more common to put pictures out at the funeral and I like that. That makes so much more sense. That's the person you know and remember. The first time I really ever saw it was at some friends' funerals over 35 years ago. They had gone on a fishing trip and four of the guys drowned. Since their bodies were in the water for a week or more before being found they were not in shape to be publicly viewed. I could have handled viewing them though but of course that's the family's choice. But the one put out his graduation picture on the casket and the other had a file folder with a bunch of snapshots of him taped on it.

At some of my relatives funerals recently they've been bringing the box of old pictures to the funeral and letting people take pictures they wanted or order copies for those who wanted.

I can do it...view the body, but given my druthers, I don't go to funerals any more. It would have to be someone very close for me to go, and I really don't care to view the body. People always say, "Oh, don't they look natural" and I always say, "Hell, no. No dead body ever looked natural." That said, my husband's long time deckhand died a few years ago, and he was the only person I have ever seen who actually looked better after death than he did alive.

I think viewing may be something needed for close family to bring closure but I don't agree with public viewing.
As in jannie's post I prefer to see pictures placed out so people can remember the deceased as they lived. I don't want my friends to remember how I looked in the coffin. I'd rather they visit and smile about the good times we had.

Showing pictures has been common here for years. Funeral homes offer to put any number of pictures into slide shows that are presented in an area at the viewing or in the entryway of the church, on a largish screen.

They then give the family the CD.

My mother's family and friends all enjoyed seeing pictures of her through the years, with many of them seeing pictures of themselves with her, as children and young adults.

I feel that a viewing should be for the family alone. I can't tell you how many times I have been to funerals and have been amazed at the people that just show up to "see what's going on." I hate the comments about how "good" he or she (the deceased) looked. Personally, I have yet to see a dead person that looks good. For all of these reasons, I have instructed my family and my funeral home that I do not wish to have a viewing. I think viewing a dead body is so strange. I do attend funerals and express my sympathy to the family.

I do NOT. Fortunately for me, I am usually doing the music, so that keeps me off the beaten track!! When my Mom and Dad passed away, it was all agreed beforehand...they were taken directly from the house to the crematory. We then had life celebrations at our church for each of them. MUCH easier on the family!

Friend specifically asked me if I was going to the viewing and funeral. I was expected to be at both.

I don't like it either. From what I understand the viewing or "wake" is a remnant of the not-so-long ago old days when bodies were laid out in the home's living room and people took turns "sitting up with the body" for up to several days until noticeable decomposition began to set in. This was to ensure that the person was really dead and not just in a major coma. Throughout the 19th century there were lots of fears of being buried alive because, of course, there wasn't the brain wave technology, etc. of today. Some even arranged for little bell contraptions to be placed in their coffin with the bell on the outside so they could ring it for help if they woke up underground!! Edgar Allan Poe capitalized on that fear in some of his stories.

A member of the Parish was passing by the church yard when he heard strange music, apparently from one of the graves. He called to the Sexton and asked him to investigate. He said, "It sounds like a familar piece of music played backward." The Sexton replied, "so it 'tis. It's just Beethoven. He's decomposing."

I have not read the other responses, but you are not alone, Glenda! I have a hard time, even with people I don't know, as in older, distant family memebers whom I feel I should at least go to the viewing out of respect. Or DH's family that I haven't met.

Tami

I don't and never will understand the purpose of a viewing and/or a funeral. I will not have either. That's not to say I haven't been to either. I hate going. Absolutely! I always think that while looking at them, they are going to sit up and say, "psych!". And I am not saying that as a joke. I just have this unnerving feeling it will happen. When my brother passed away, I wanted to remember him as he was when he was alive. I was pushed to the front of the church by my "dad" and forced to look at him laying in his casket. When I leave this earth...cremate me, scatter me in Montana on Dominion's Peak and then have a party. No one needs to come look at me dead in a casket.

When my mom and most of her family were still alive, they would all stand around the casket and offer their opinions on how the person looked.

"She never wore her hair like that!"
"What the heck did they put her in that outfit for?"
"Well, that sure doesn't look like him at all."
"Who did the makeup? She never wore makeup!"
And on and on.

Growing up, I was taught that you went to the funeral to give support to the family. I've gone to funerals or visitations of people that I have not known, but I have known their family member. Quit worrying about how it affects you and support the one who is really hurting.

An excellent article I read the other day on the NPR website
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4785079

I usually do go up. I also find it unnecessary but feel the need to do so for the family. I was 3 months pregnant when my dad passed and it was very difficult looking at him lying there knowing he would miss the most important part of my life... meeting his only granddaughter... and that she'd miss knowing him.

I want my casket closed but don't cremate me. Let the worms feast!!