I grew up with Elvis, Pat Boone and Frankie Avalon, so when I heard that Steven Tyler was going to be a judge on Idol, I was prepared to hate him. I have totally changed my mind. Well, almost totally. I wish he would clean up his language. I thought he did a wonderful job on the National Anthem. He knew every word and hit every note right on. So his voice is gravelly --- so was Louis Armstrong's. BTW, I think Christen Chenowith butchered it.

Much as I truly appreciate your rant, after growing up the only girl in a family with FIVE brothers and having now been married reasonably successfully for over 30 years and raising four sons of my own, I can tell you that men tend to react much better to facts than they do to rants. Believe me, I do plenty of ranting myself but only to my girlfriends, my sisters-in-law, and my daughters-in-law. NEVER where any of the men can overhear me. You are right that you have to separate the dollars for the kitchen renovation from the dollars for the basement renovation and you have to stand your ground on getting the kitchen renovation you want and need without letting your DH siphon off money to (over) fix-up the basement instead. But you have to do it in a way that will get your DH on your side instead of opposed to you. To do that, it is important that you NEVER speak of the kitchen as "my kitchen" or the basement as "his basement." Both areas of the house belong to you BOTH and he has to get fully invested in that fact. So, always speak of it as "our new kitchen" and "our new basement." If you let him start thinking of it as "her kitchen" and "my basement," then, in his mind the whole thing has become a "her wishes against my wishes" thing. If he gives in to you, he feels he is letting himself be henpecked. If he doesn't then he feels (knows?) he is being a bully. Of course, being a man, it is really hard for him to admit to either feeling. All he knows is, he can't win either way and somehow it is all YOUR fault. Since he can't win either way, he may decide he might just as well have that basement all fixed up to retreat to. LOL! So, before you got started, did you establish a budget for the kitchen renovation? Are you sticking to it? If so, you have a perfect ace in the hole to play. You mentioned that he had an "original budget" but that he is now $5K over that amount. Next time you start to discuss his plans/dreams for that basement space, say something like: "Yes honey, it really would be great if we could afford to do X while renovating the basement. But, doing X will put us $Y over our budget for renovating that portion of the house. Is there some other part of the BASEMENT RENOVATION we could give up in order to do X down there instead? I know we both want to keep our cost for that project under control so we need to stick to our budget and we're already talking about going $5,000 over our original budget for the basement. Are you really comfortable going that much over our original budget? It really scares me. Can we afford to do that?" If he suggests that you can cut something out of the kitchen renovation so as to have more money for the basement renovation, don't get mad - or at least don't let him see that you've gotten mad! Instead calmly say, "I see the kitchen renovation and the basement renovation as two separate projects and we have separate budgets for them. We're on budget on the kitchen renovation so that is not the issue here. The issue is OUR budget for OUR basement renovation. How can we stay within our budget for THAT project? I've got some ideas. Maybe you have some others. Let's talk about those ideas. Maybe there is a way to do this but we have to figure it out." Of course, if you are over budget on the kitchen as well, then you will probably have to have the same talk about how to get the kitchen budget under control as well. Then you have to alter the above to "you're right honey, we're over-budget by $Z on the kitchen too so we need to tackle that problem as well. How about if we start by talking about how we can get the basement renovation budget under control and tomorrow we'll talk about how to get the kitchen renovation under control?" Then be prepared to DO IT. If he thinks you care as much about getting the basement fixed up as he does, then he HAS to reciprocate by showing he cares just as much about getting the kitchen renovated properly as you do. This whole thing has to stop being a fight about which one of you gets what you want and instead become a shared quest to get the things you both want while staying within a budget you can afford. Since he is wanting a kitchenette down there, perhaps you might propose that one way to get the budget for the basement under control might be to reuse the cabinetry and appliances that are coming out of your current kitchen to create the basement kitchenette? Trust me, not even a man can suggest that the stuff in your upstairs kitchen isn't good enough for the basement kitchenette if fixing up the basement is going to mean you can't replace the cabinetry and appliances upstairs! Plus, that means the basement renovation has to run behind the kitchen renovation and once dollars are spent on the kitchen renovation, he CAN'T cribbage them to buy stuff for the basement. Other possible ways to save: Replace French doors with less expensive sliders... or you might be able to find used French doors at a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for less than new ones would cost. Same thing with toilet, sink, and a shower stall for downstairs bath. And, I know you can get regular exterior doors and windows from the Re-Store. But don't dump every idea on him at once. Just suggest one idea that you think he would go for and give him time to think of other ideas. He'll be much more invested in money-saving ideas that HE thinks up first, so parcel your ideas out slowly just to prime the pump. And finally, if you get any opportunity whatsoever to talk proudly in public about how brilliantly your husband is managing to renovate the basement area so INEXPENSIVELY; do it. He'll then bust a gut trying to think of other ways to save money down there. BTW, while it is true that if you sell, you're much more likely to recoup anything spent on the kitchen renovation than on the basement; it sounds as if he basically wants to create a complete "apartment" in the basement. So don't be too surprised if you let it become about "her kitchen versus my basement" to hear him argue that if you ever needed additional income, it would be possible to rent out the basement apartment but that the kitchen is nothing more than a prettier place for you to cook. Men do think like that. LOL!

Mother2008: I responded to your "Terrified Of Stepson" thread and I urged you to leave. Even though you didn't mention it in that post, I am glad that you DO NOT live in the same house with SS because it really sounds like a dangerous environment, especially for your disable D. I have been reading many of the archived threads posted in this forum and I have come to the conclusion that Step Families, for the most part, are challenging. Even intact families have their moments, but I think that the degree of difficulty increases when families merge or when an outsider who has no children enters the existing family unit. It's not always negative, but it's also not always easy. For most of the people posting on this site, it is downright stressful a fair amount of the time otherwise this forum wouldn't exist. Clearly most of us choose to stay with our Divorced Spouses/SO's and accept the stresses that comes along with these relationships because we really love that person, but I haven't read anyone state that they are "FRIGHTENED". Who knows why he won't understand? Maybe seeing his son in the manner which you describe makes DH feel like a failure as a parent. Perhaps he feels helpless and guilty or he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he is tired of dealing with all of his S's screw-ups. Maybe it's a pattern of enabling: SS mooches off of Grandparents; Grandparents allow it; Grandparents raised your DH; DH enables your SS. It could be so engrained in their family dymnamics that no one even sees it as a problem. It doesn't matter because you state that you are "FRIGHTENED" and not protected. These people are not going to change. You will have to change. I know it's hard to hear, but I really think that you should leave. Is staying in this marriage worth either you or your D being molested by SS? And don't forget the 300+ pound, gun wielding son-in-law that you mentioned in your initial post. This marriage probably took its toll on your self-esteem. Work on that with the counselor instead of trying to convince DH to see it your way. Perhaps when you value yourself more, you will realize that your instincts were right all along. STAY SAFE.

I have finally found the right manual for the cooktop. I was going by the specs before. For some reason, the installation manual had only the instructions for the mechanical part (cut-out, etc.) but not electrical. Here is what the "right" manual says: "Cooktop electrical characteristics are: Operating voltage240 V~ 60 Hz Maximum power output 3600 W , 15 A Connect to 240 V, 60 Hz, 20 A minimum supply, (3 conductors #12 AWG) This unit comes equipped with three connection wires in a metal 180 cm flexible conduit. The conduit must be routed and properly connected to an approved, owner-supplied, electrical, wall junction-box. An approved connector must be used for connecting the conduit to the junction box. A three wire, 2 poles, 240 V, 60 Hz service with minimum 20 A circuit protector must be provided. The red and the black wire from the unit are to be connected to the service ("hot") wires, and the green wire is to be connected to the ground conductor. The circuit protector for the unit should be properly marked inside electric panel and anybody using the unit, or technician servicing the unit, should be advised of circuit protector�s location, so that the power to the unit can be disconnected when necessary." So, it is not a 15 amp but a 20 amp appliance then. If the oven truly requires 20 amp, they can both be run from the 50 amp outlet, using tap conductors, right? What if the oven requires a 30 amp breaker, even though it has maximum output XXXX W 20 amp?