I think I'd just say that you think he is too young to spend the night at a friends IF he isn't already spending the night at other friend's homes. He does seem very young to be doing that anyhow IMO. I certainly wouldn't tell her the real reason.

Well, I had that situation happen when my son was small. I don't know if it was the right way to handle it or not... but I just said that I was kind of overprotective and felt better with him close to me. I allowed plenty of opportunity for the other boy to come to my house. I remember washing his stinky, filthy coat though. Before long, they tired of each other, and I noticed the other boy drifted towards kids in situations like his. Sad for him, though.

This is a tough one. If it were me, I would probably make up an excuse also. I too think he is too young to spend the night at a friends house. Relative yes, friend no.
Be sure to make it clear, so she will not keep calling you.

Trin

We had a similar situation in our neighborhood. I just kept making up excuses. You really cannot tell someone their house is filthy, of course. But nor can you allow your son to be in a situation that could be unhealthy or dangerous to him.

Well, like I said before he's already stayed there once, so the "he's too young" excuse won't work. I had him and his sister over for New Years to spend the night and their behavior was so bad my SO said never again!! I guess for now I'll just avoid the calls, I just feel bad for my son because he always wonders why they never call anymore, I don't have the heart to tell him that they do, I just don't want him over there.

Well we've had an issue with a classmate of #3's (they are in the 3rd grade)...with a night over there..they went to the club and had their nephew (grade 7 or 8) stay with the boys all night...However, he's over there alot to play, because they live around the corner.
I make up excuses now for "nights over" though.

Someday, you're going have to come 'clean' and tell her the real reason. The line, "He's too young.", is only goiong to last a few years. Soon, he will be 7 yrs old and certainly old enough to do a short sleep-over. What will be the excuse then?

Can you get a message to her through a third person, one who does not have children interacting with her young ones? How about the neighborhood gossip whispering in her ear, "I hear that some boys in the neighborhood won't spend time in your house because their mothers think the place is filthy and questions food safety."

Five is really too young to do overnighters with friends of any kind. I don't blame you for not wanting your son to play at their house. I wouldn't either. Just keep inviting the boy to your house, making excuses of whatever kind about your son not going to theirs. She'll get the hint eventually.

well, you can always say something like can we put this off until another time, right now (son's name) is having some personal issues and as his mom, i would prefer he not spend the night.

in all honesty, your kid probably isn't phased at all over the mess. he's just there to play with his friend.

maybe you can ask her if she wants some help cleaning up when you pick him up (if you let him go) saying you are sure he contributed to the mess.

did you know her house was a pig sty the first time he spent the night? (just curious)

good luck with whatever you decide.

maryanne

i have two dear friends whose houses are utterly GROSS. i always take my own tea mug with me whenever i visit and i never, ever use their bathroom. i'd rather wet myself or pop into a public place or go home.

Any chance your DS has allergies that you could blame? My DS is 12, sleep overs are common with his friends. But he has one friend who is very allergic to cats. That kid will play here for a couple hours, but he'd really suffer if he tried to sleep here. (At least that's what they *tell* me...hhmmm....) The same friend invites DS to sleepover at his house often. (I get the impression the kid is timid and prefers his comfort zone, too.) I've been annoyed at the times DS has told me they did not have dinner. I don't know what is going on, mom seems competent and house is very tidy. I think they just have no schedule on weekends and forget to make dinner, and they boys don't ask to be fed. But they are 12, old enough to fend for themselves in a kitchen if they need to.. PBJ or whatever. DS fends for himself at home sometimes. I just would never do that, I stuff 'em full when my kids have friends over. LOL. It's not reason enough to say no, especially at this age, I just always make sure DS is fed before he goes to that house.

Here's one that was beyong awkward, though. My DD has a friend who hosted a slumber party, DD went. Couple weeks later the mom of the same friend called to invite just DD to sleep over. My DD was 8 then, and knew who I was talking to and about what by my end of the phone conversation. Her eyes got big and she shook her head emphatically "NO!" So I tried to cover quick and said something about having plans. I was surprised by DD's response, so I sat down right away to get an explanation. She said she was scared of the girl's dad, that he was angry and mean and she didn't want to be there if he was there. Of course I was worried, asked question as subtly as I could to make sure nothing happened to her. She just insisted he was scary b/c he was always mad. I had no idea how to handle that one with the girl's mother. And I felt like I should tell other moms of the girls' mutual friends, in case their DD's hadn't said anything. Before I had to deal with it again, the couple divorced, mom and girls moved out. At that point, I confided to the mom why DD didn't accept an invite again. Very weird. I was proud of DD for telling me how she felt and listening to her inner voice. DD did not want to talk about it anymore, and I feel pretty sure nothing happened to her. But as a mom, I will still always wonder what went on there that night, if dad was verbally or even physically abusive to mom... or if he was just very grouchy. I have never seen her respond that way to a friend's parents.

You can still back peddle on the age thing. I like honesty with tact. You can say that your DS had some fun in the past, but you can tell it was just too soon and he is more comfortable at home.

I didn't read all the responses. I feel so sorry for the little person who wants someone to spend the night, and his mom says NO. Then, "Before long, they tired of each other, and I noticed the boy drifted towards kids in situations like his." Well, what else was he supposed to 'drift' to? No body else wanted to be with him because the other parent wouldn't let them. Who else was there for him to be with?

We all have to take care of our own kids. If this is how her house looks, I wonder what kind of supervision goes on over there too. Will an adult be there at all times while your son is there? Really there? Will safe practices occur--no playing with matches, etc? I would back off. Your child is too young for an overnight, and you can tell the mom you allowed it once, but on afterthought, you want to wait till he is older. As someone suggested, blame yourself. That you would be more comfortable with waiting.

I know! I know! (smiles)
Tell her you're having to be extra careful right now as there is a family member (friend) who's immune system is compromised, you're wanting to visit and you'd feel just awful being the one to jeopardize their health.

Ah, something I totally know about! We have neighbors that moved in just a couple of months after we did. She was prenant with her 3rd child at the time, me with my first. We both had daughters who became very good (best) friends. This is now almost 14 yrs. later, the girls are best friends and I WILL NOT let me DD sleep over. The girl has slept at our home, traveled with us, etc... so we are friends. They asked once why I didn't let my dd sleep over and I was honest... brutally honest. They are dirtiest people I have ever met. She doesn't even own a broom or mop (and you can tell). The girl tells my dd that she doesn't bathe sometimes all week. She never brushes her hair either. The tangles are horrible, probably needs her head shaved. When she's traveled with us. I have her take a very good bath and scrub hard. When she was little, I'd give her a bath and scrub her head well, esp. because they would share a bed. She is now 13 1/2 and still has cradle cap! They have 4 kids ranging in age from 10-16 and they are all nasty. Mom is nasty. She and her husband separated 3 yrs. ago and within 15 minutes, she moved in a man she had just met on the internet! On top of being dirty, she makes very poor decisions. I can go on and on about the filth I've seen in this house. The truth didn't upset her. I think deep down she knew I was right but didn't bother to fix anything. Oh, and these people.... have lots of $, live in an amazing neighborhood and house yet... they are pigs!

I would simply say...we don't do "sleepovers" period. That is not such a bad things these days.. What would you do if a fire started at that home overnight?

june

""Before long, they tired of each other, and I noticed the boy drifted towards kids in situations like his." Well, what else was he supposed to 'drift' to? No body else wanted to be with him because the other parent wouldn't let them. Who else was there for him to be with?"

I didn't mean to sound casual about it. That's why I said it was sad for the kid. I found it incredibly sad, actually. There was just nothing I could do for that other child. If I could have thought of something at the time, I would have done it though. As long as they were interested in hanging out together, I welcomed him into my home and fed him well and made sure he had fun. But I was not going to let my son spend time at the other boy's house.