Yes, I do. On the tenth anniversary of my Dad's death, I sent my Mom a sympathy card. and my brother took her out for dinner, just the two of them.

I was always pleased when someone acknowledged the death anniversary of my son.
I hope you have the support of your friends and family but they may feel it is opening up a sad memory for you.
I guess people don't realize we think of our departed loved ones all the time.
((((Maura))))

I think I choose not to remember death dates. It brings such sad memories. My brother remembers them always.
I do remember the birthdates, and say a small prayer as each one passes, letting them know how much I miss them.
Even this post is making me tear up.

Trin

I would not expect anyone to remember the dates, except possibly the month it happened in. I am terrible with dates and could not tell you even the month or year when either of my parents died or my only brother. I also had a hard time remembering just when my husband died until I realized a date that appeared on my checking account was the month and year he died. I didn't open my own checking account until then. That was 39 years ago.

Maura, I think it was very nice of you to acknowledge the death anniversaries of your SIL and friend's mothers with a card. I think most people just don't remember the date on which people passed away, I know I rarely do.

I do light a candle, say a prayer or look through old photos on certain people's 'heaven day'. It doesn't really bother me that no one else remembers.... but then again I haven't lost anyone extremely close to me.

I'm sorry for your loss Maura, I hope you and your Dad can have a day sharing wonderful memories of your Mom.

I guess people don't realize we think of our departed loved ones all the time.

Thank you, Carol. This is very true. I sometimes try to explain it to my kids that it is like one of those security computer programs that runs in the background. It is always running, but not always apparent.

Thanks for the replies.

The 10th anniversary of my mother's death is in a few weeks. I was SHOCKED when my father told me that is the day he is flying to the Caribbean for a vacation. He acknowledged that the plans were made in a rush and he didn't realize what day it was until it was done, and that he wouldn't have knowingly chosen that day. I am very superstitious and will be a mess that day.

I always make sure I speak to my father, sister and my mother's best friend on that day. I don't expect other people to remember. Her birthday is actually the more difficult day for me, a reminder that she is forever 58. We used to be 26 years apart in age, now it's 16.

I can't even keep up with birthdays and anniversaries of people that are alive! LOL

DH and his two sisters all call each other on October 30th, the anniversary of MIL's death, and on her Birthday.

Death anniversaries kind of haunt me. I try my best to forget those dates, but it usually doesn't work.

I prefer to remember the birthdays!!! Much happier times.

After my Dad died, I went to a psychiatrist for one session. I just wanted some pills to help ne sleep. Not to overdose. He said everyone grieves differently, but it is universal to recall the dead on anniversaries-their birthday, Fathers Day, Christmas, wedding anniversary,etc, and especially the anniversary of their death. He told me the first year after the passing is the hardest, but subsuquent years get easier.

Yes, i do. DS's and Dirty Fingernails anniversary is in April. We lost her last June, but plan on sending him a thinking of you card, also one to my DDIL, we lost my other son, her hubby, 2 yrs in May. I always wonder why people think they are reminding people of lost ones. We never forget them. My sincere sympathies to my KT friends who have lost loved ones. Dottie

On April 2nd it will be 5 years since my DH passed away, the 16th would have been his birthday and the 18th would have been our 50th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has been 5 years already and I miss him every day.

I try to call my Granny on Granddaddy's death/funeral anniversary (depending on which one the date dawns on me). Don't call anyone else or make a note of any other dates. Granddaddy D. was "that special grandparent" and it just seems appropriated to call Granny.

Nope. Why get maudlin on the date they died. My memories of them when they were alive is more meaningful...and I can do that year round.

Nope...they do come to mind, but I really don't need anyone to bring them up.
Enough is enough.

I do remember in my heart!

No I don't.

Sue

I usually phone my mom on the anniversary of dad's death and on my grandparent's anniversary dates. It's not a big thing and we don't necessary acknowledge the dates, but I want to let her know that I remember them, as she does.

Mom has told me the story several times of how important death anniversaries used to be. My dad's parents, recently married, went to an evening party at someone's home, this was back around 1915 or thereabouts, in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Anyway, they'd hardly arrived when a nephew showed up to come and get them as someone had just remembered that the date was a death anniversary for a close relative. One would never attend a party on a death anniversary....so they had to give their regrets to the host and hostess and return home.

The dates don't mean anything to me, but I know they do to others. When the close family members of my friends and family die, I make a note for the first anniversary, and send a card or email. After that, I don't, and I don't expect anyone to remember those dates in my life.

I think there's a big difference between remembering a loved one and dwelling/obsessing on their loss. Perpetual grieving isn't good. You need to deal with it after an appropriate time. Remembering and honoring is different than grieving and shouldn't be mixed up.

The first couple years after the loss of a close person, it seems normal to be reminded of the death. And of course loss of parents will be remembered longer on Mothers/Fathers days. If they died close to a big holiday it likely will impact that holiday for a year or two.

I don't make a big deal out of death anniversaries. Life goes on as we must. Reading the funeral thread I was reminded of my old GF's death a little over a year ago. I did remember it right about the exact date and I'm bad with anniversaries, birthdays and the like - good thing for reminder programs! I had to go look it up though as to when she died. I couldn't remember if it was one or two years now. Time gets to be a blur.

Personally, while I do appreciate support, I don't appreciate people going overboard trying to console me when I don't need consoling. I would not want cards and calls essentially saying "Happy anniversary! _____ died 7 years ago!" That wouldn't be appreciated.

There's times you want to talk about the dead. I like to make myself available to friends who choose to talk and appreciate friends who make themselves available if I want to talk about the death of a loved one, whether human or pet. But sometimes people can make it worse if they push it too far.

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my brother's death. I was fortunate enough to be with my parents when they were called with the news (it was very sudden and unexpected). I make a point to spend time with them on that date every year. We go to the cemetery together. My SIL has never gone with. His youngest son only went the first year and the oldest one has never gone.

It is not wrong, but it is time to move on and remember the good times with your mom. I remember my mother more on Mother's Day and her birthday.

The 20th anniversary of my mom's death is coming up, and yes, I will go to the cemetary, and place flowers, and probably talk to her. My dad died 30 years ago, and I do it on that anniversary also.

Personally, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Everyone "move(s) on" in their own way, and in their own time, and no way is either right or wrong. I like what the OP said about the computer security software. That's a good analogy.

No, I don't. I don't even remember the year my father and brother both died - I would have to look it up. Both were around 10 years ago.

It doesn't mean I don't care or that I don't think of them, because I do. But the actual date means nothing to me.

My mother hates getting cards from people "remembering" the anniversaries of their deaths. She prefers to remember on her own if she wishes, and if the date passes and she didn't get plunged into grief once again, well, she considers that a bonus.

No, I don't. I don't think it's healthy to immortalize a death date and think about it every year. Life is to live, so I remember the days they lived it, not the day they left.

I should have added, I don't remember the day they left ME.

No, I don't acknowledge "death anniversaries" and I don't want anyone acknowledging them for me. I am sensitive enough to take the lead from others, and make myself available to them if they want to talk about a departed loved one. I know who, in my life, I can approach if I need to talk, but I don't put anyone else in a position to talk about something so personal if they don't want to. I have never liked anyone bringing it up to me. I also agree it can be maudlin and unhealthy, but that it's different when it's a child who had died- especially when it was a young child. It's so unnatural to lose a child, that I think it's necessary to be more "available" to that parent. But one still has to take their cues for the surviving parent, because everyone is different.

I'm with Marygaily and Mary c.....I don't remember the dates of my parent's passing. I do remember my brothers as it was on the birthday of my younger sister.

I don't expect non-family members to remember - nor even my brothers (sadly). I guess I'm just hoping for a longer or tighter hug from my husband or kids, words not even necessary, and wondered if that is too much to expect. I am not fixated on making the date an "event", especially not for others. I think it is more of a private matter.

Certainly my Mom wants to be remembered as vibrant, loving, and fun - and I DO remember her as such -- every day.

For me, what is especially painful is the circumstances leading up to her death -- and the "would've, could've, should'ves" come flooding back. I know it comes with the territory of grieving, healing, and moving forward. I think I've made great progress in a what I still feel is a short period of time.

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful, insightful, and reflective responses.

A death anniversary, in the Jewish religion, is known as a Yahrtzeit. We say a prayer and light a Yartzeit candle that burns for 24 hrs. As I grew up, there was often a candle flickering on top of the fridge for family members.

I light candles in remembrance of my parents. They both died in April, 4 years and 2 days apart so I light them together and enjoy thoughts of them every time they catch my eye.

Here is a link that might be useful: Yahrzeit Candle

I don't, like some others, I can't even keep up with the livings' anniversaries and other dates.

I think if you really want a hug and some extra sympathy on that date, Maura, you better be prepared to ask for it, which I don't think is unreasonable. It would be more unreasonable to not ask and not get and be hurt by that. People aren't mind readers and don't know what you want or need unless you tell them. And everyone's priorities are different, so while you need and want this, it doesn't mean that your family really understands it because they feel differently.

My husband, who can barely remember his own birthday, never fails to say "oh, today would have been my dad's birthday" or his mom's birthday. He's never remembered what day they died, though. And I don't either and even if I did, I wouldn't say anything. I don't want to make him sad.

(((((Maura))))) I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

I do remember dates, but I don't always acknowledge them. Probably the 1st time ever that I've acknowledge a date was last year on (what would have been) my husbands birthday. I was completely blindsided by the emotions and feelings it caused ME and I knew his Mother was probably feeling a lot of emotions too! That morning I called and order a plant to be delivered to her, along with a card thanking her for giving birth to and raising the wonderful man I married.

What bothers me more than someone not remembering acknowledging dates/anniversaries, is the day to day life of people that will not mention the "Elephant in the Room" and act as if the person never existed. I actually have an elephant (figurine) in almost every room in my house. *S*

"When a person is born we rejoice, and when they're married we jubilate, but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened." -- Margaret Mead

I do, but I don't expect others to remember (especially my husband's passing). I remember my brother because he died on my nephew's birthday (who happened to be my brother's Godson). I always have the 6th of each month (my husband died November 6, 2008) in my mind right now at least because it is still fresh to me. I think more so than the 20th (the date my mother died) because my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly) and my mother was sick for a long time.

Sheryl - NJ