Deb, I think what you have in mind is more like what they're calling an "ethical will" than a eulogy. It's something written that you leave behind, sharing your thoughts and values with those you love.

I don't think about my own death all that regularly, but it's a thought I've lived with for a long time, ever since my mother died when I was nine.

Susan

Susan, maybe you are right. I am so sorry about losing your mother at such a young age. That must have been so very hard for you. Nine years old is an age where you are old enough to fully understand what happened, but young enough to not understand the "why" of things like this I would think. Of course, maybe we never really understand things like this....

deb

Okay, this may be a strange thing to admit but here goes . . . I don't obsess about my own death but I have a very calm certainty about it. I'm not actively seeking to die but I'm very comfortable with the thought of being dead.

I figure I have one child here who loves me and one child in heaven who loves me and I'll be fine, not matter where I am.

When my husband and I go on any kind of a long trip, I make sure I'm the last one out of the house. On my dresser I place our wills, the investment and life insurance information and a letter I composed for my son when his brother died.

Just in case we don't make it back home, I don't want my son to be alone not knowing where important things are. I don't want to add to his distress.

When we come home I put everything back while my husband empties the car. I've never discussed this little ritual with him. I keep coming back home so maybe it wards off bad karma.

Deb and Susan, I most definitely do and have all of my life. For some reason, (maybe God's way of preparing me for losing Christin), ever since I can remember, I have been very much in tuned with death, dying, the afterlife etc. I often think of my own death. I think I do now, even more since my mom recently left us. I was never afraid to die, but now, I am getting kind of afraid of the process... not afterwards, just the process.... suffering, maybe.
I think when we have death of a child or someone very close to us slap us in the face, it is only normal to have the thoughts that we have. You are not alone, Deb.
Lu

Dianne, what you describe isn't strange at all. All the books I've read about losing a child say that the surviving parents stop fearing death.

It makes sense.

Susan

I don't think I thought much about it until I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. The doctor was very blunt and told me to get my affairs in order...what a blow that was! I just have too much to see and do before I die. But..I wrote my eulogy...and got pictures together that I wanted displayed at my funeral. I know it's hard on families, but people who just drop over with no warning are lucky. I was so sad and I didn't know how my husband and I were going to cope. But..we would have and will probably still have to go through something. I'm still here after four years and wish daily that I live long enough that our little grandkids will be old enough when I die to understand....I'M STILL HERE!!!

Good for you, Maybee! Every day is precious.

Maybee you have reminded us that we must take each day as a gift. Thank you for that.

Now that both my parents are gone, I feel like I am "next up." Rather than thinking about my funeral, eulogy, etc., I have become concerned about how my kids are going to deal with the difficulties of closing our estate, dealing with the financial and material matters.

My mother was very organized in every way. She tried hard not to collect too much "stuff" and to keep her financial matters well in hand. The photos were well organized. She always told me what she was doing with her money so I would have no questions. We often cleaned drawers, the garage, getting rid of unused things.

I want to do as well for my kids as she did for me in leaving her life in good order. It's a way of honoring her memory and helping my sons. It's a way of passing something intangible from my mother to my sons.

Deb, I am the same way. My brother passed away over a year ago (I did not find out about that until 2 months afterward), and my mother just this past January. I think about death almost all the time now, and if not exactly death, then how my end will come, what disease will I get, who will take care of me. I read about the wonderful people on the caregivers forum, and as I have no children, I wonder what will become of me (I'm 45). What happens to those who can no longer speak for themselves? What happens? Sometimes the fear grips me so bad, I fear "losing it". Maybe that will be my punishment for not helping with the caregiving for my mother, and now for my very ill father. My sister was/is in charge of all that. Why? A long story...and I feel that although I am not entirely blameless in how things turned out, the twists and turns of our lives, our actions, our words, or lack of them, our whole family, led to the tragic situation as it unfolded. But I still feel guilt.

When not thinking about death, I have other such morbid thoughts, like having visions/dreams of someone chopping down all my old trees after I'm gone, bulldozing my beloved perennial garden, throwing out my knick-knacks, books, letters....

Geez, I need a drink....

Anna

Occassionally. I don't fear it, I just hope that whenever it is, it's quick and painless. I can't imagine anybody coming to my funeral though.

Interesting posts I have been reading here...I suppose my thoughts are not that far "out there" then. Maybee...congratulations on your accomplishments...your positive attitude is an inspiration and i wish you the best of luck.
anna, i am sorry about the tragedies that happened in your family - have you talked about your guilt in this forum?

deb

You are not morbid. You are wise and have to give yourself permission to express these feelings too. They are important. With the recent passing of my young brother, I have had thoughts only in this past week. I don't feel morbid, I want my son and husband to be happy with my decisions and the fact that we will all be in agreement makes the farewell seem just right. I know it's too early for me to be writing things like this.. but, hey... my brother passed at 39 and I am 54... you never know what life deals to you.

God Bless You All..

deb what a great thread ....first of all i think you should go ahead and write your own eulogy or whatever it is called...ive heard of people doing it before so there is nothing weird about it at all....actually its a great idea and i may do it too....and also the letter to ricky and kole is a great idea..that is another thing i would love to do the year before jamie died i had wanted for her and ricky to write me a letter for mothers day or christmas as to their rememberences of their childhood and their true feelings .....i never got around to mentioning it to her and she died and now i will never know what was in her heart that she could have expressed....after she died i asked ricky to and he did and i will cherish it til i die

I do think about my death, and wonder if it will be like Neva's death (my twin.) I want to know and feel what she experienced. I used to be so afraid to die, but now in a way, I'm anxious to join her. I've said that only once to my husband and got such a lecture on all the things and people I have to live for. I know that - maybe it's just a curiosity thing.

I don't think about my own death, per se, but I do have the details planned out. My brother died at 25 with serious debt load, a business under his belt, and while still attending school. He didn't have a will, either. It has been 3 months and my mother is still trying to make sense of all of his paperwork. As a result I now have a will at the age of 23, and I have it in my will and known to my family what I want done with my body when I die.

I do not think about death, but I am also not afraid of it nor hiding from it. It is a natural stage in existence that we all must go through, and now that my brother has gone first and paved the way for me, I'm sure he's going to be waiting for me on the other side when it's my turn. He taught me a lot of things in life, through his death, and I'm sure he will continue to show me the ropes after I die. I am not religions, and not 100% on what I believe in, but I do know that he is here and he's looking after me, still. And that brings me so much comfort. I just hope that my mother gets to feel the same way I do, eventually.