I was surprised to see this thread come up again. I see why, now. I am so sorry to hear about your Mother, Meriaux. I know it's small comfort at the time, but the thing that helped me get through it was knowing that people have done this before. A lot of us here have been through it. I absolutely understand how you feel, I lost my Mom in 2002. I have no brothers or sisters and not much other family so I understand feeling alone. The fact that you were so close makes it all the harder to go on without her, but you have her memory to guide you. The torch is passed. You know she would want you to do your best. At least you got to know your Mom, and she loved you. Some don't even have that much. I know your Mom would tell you should in NO way feel guilty about your premonition. Premonitions don't cause things to happen, any more than the weather forecast causes it to rain. Death is just a part of life. It will happen to us all one day. Your Mother was close to my age, and I hope you don't think it irreverent to talk about, but if I had to pick a way to go I'd want to go quick. It would be a shock to the survivors, though I guess, with no time to adjust. But it's heart breaking to have to watch a loved one suffer, sometimes for years. Mother's Day wasn't that long ago. Things are still really fresh for you. Trust me, it will ease with time. There have been many words of sympathy and comfort that have been written. I kindof liked this one.I hope y'all don't mind if I include the poem I picked for my Mother's holy card (or whatever they call them these days). (I knew she'd want one for the funeral as that's what she believed in) I chose a more modern picture of a kindly Jesus embracing someone who has just "come home"... Don't think of her as gone away Her journey's just begun Life holds so many facets This earth is only one Just think of her as resting From the sorrows and the tears In a place of warmth and comfort Where there are no days and years Think how she must be wishing That we could know, today Now nothing but our sadness Can really pass away And think of her as living In the hearts of those she touched For nothing loved is ever lost And she is loved so very much. -Anonymous

I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.

I haven't lost either of my parents yet, but the time is coming and seems to be advancing faster and faster. My father has had several close calls with death since November of last year and my mother's health is going downhill rapidly. Both have different health issues but the one thing they have in common is that we lost my sister to cancer this February at the age of 47, and then lost my son suddenly July 18 at the age of 30. My son lived with them and helped me take care of them. I have been their cook, errand runner, doctor visit taker, medicine getter, everything for years. I do not live in the house with them but saw them twice a day everyday until my son passed. I have been trying to heal myself so I can begin taking care of them again. Since my son's death both have been in the hospital for at least a few days each. We've had high points and low points in our lives and relationships but now we are closer than we have ever been. I know it's inevitable that they are going to pass, the question is when and will I be able to handle it? Having gone through the death of my sister who suffered horribly for several months before her death and then when I felt like I was beginning to process her death, my son choked to death. That threw me into a tailspin and I am learning to get through each day, one day at a time. I have learned that everybody grieves differently and at a different pace. If I feel the need to cry, I cry. If I feel that I can't get up and go, I don't. I do try to get some exercise everyday, walking the dogs is a good excuse for me to do it. I find that when I don't excercise I feel worse. Even stretches and yoga are enough to release endorphines to make you feel better. I want my son's pictures and things around me. I wear his sunglasses and have his pillow so I can smell him. My parents have my sister's ashes in their living room and Daddy puts his glasses on the box they are in every night. I do believe that when my parents pass, I will have the tools I need to cope. I will miss them more than anything but it won't be a new experience for me, other than it will be my parents passing instead of my sister and son. I spoke with my doctor and she gave me anti-anxiety meds to try for a month to see if I can get through the day without a breakdown, they seem to help but if they stop working I will consider antidepressants to help me cope. My thoughts are with you all who have lost your parents and I know I will be in your shoes way too soon. I just know that as bad as I will miss them, they are not happy being unable to care for themselves and be independent like they were their entire lives. It has to be hard for them to turn to their children to do all the things they used to do for us, even though we try to give them all the dignity we can. I will soothe myself by knowing they were not happy or healthy in their last few years and they will no longer be in pain or struggling to breathe.

Caroline, you are such a wonderful niece. Having someone in your life like Uncle Clay is such a blessing. Wouldn't it be great if we all had someone like him in all our lives. I will be thinking of you in the coming days.. My BIL did this for my sister. This is what she wanted.. We all stood by her bedside as she slipped away. It was so hard but also a blessing for her due to her being sick for so long. (((HUGS))))