I'm so sorry. No, it isn't weird. I think all of us want to go home again at some time. Maybe it's grief, maybe it's wanting to be someone's child again... When I was in my late 20's or early 30's, I was going through a stressful time. I began to have a recurring dream. In real life, my grandmother's house was a tumbledown, worn-out old house that she'd had moved onto her lot, so it wasn't very level; the floors sort of went every whichway.. It always needed paint, & the windows were never perfectly clean. The linoleum floors were worn out, creased & buckled, the house was cold in the winter & hot in the summer, & the kitchen always smelled like dishwater. My grandmother had been a very old lady, bent from years of childbearing & hard work, & her clothes were always faded. Her white aprons were dingy. In my dream, it was always a sunny, blue-sky day, & I was "going home" for Thanksgiving. I would turn my car down the little dirt road & see, to my amazement, that the house was perfectly straight, & it was bright white with fresh paint. The windows were crystal-clean, & I could see the cheery flames in the Dearborn heater. Just as I arrived at the door, my grandmother would fling the door open & said, "Sylvia! Come on in this house!" She was chipper & cheery, & she was standing up straight, wiping her hands on her snowy-white apron. Her dress was bright & crisp. The house smelled like coffee & bacon. I said, "They told me you were dead!", & she laughed & said not at all, that she'd always be here for me. I dreamed that dream because, even 8 or 9 or so years after my dear grandmother had died & her house had been torn down, I wanted to go "back home", where I'd always been safe & happy. You & I are fortunate that we have warm memories of "home" to comfort us & maybe to make us smile. Take care.

Marie, Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I have been doing some research on so good books to read, thank you for the advice. I also called my insurance company today to get the name of a good therapist, I am hoping that will help. I do have 2 sisters, 3 sons and several very close cousins. I just feel so bad calling them and crying all the time. I know they are all there for me as I am for them but like I said I hate getting them upset by hearing me upset. Pictures? I think you mean as in my family that passed? If so yes I have thousands. The only problem I am having is I had to hide all of the pictures as I cannot look at any of them. I feel so bad for doing that, it just hurts so bad to see them. I think a journal would be a good idea thank you for that suggestion. It was so odd that you said "I saw a pretty butterfly", I say this because a few days after my mom passed away I asked her to please come and visit me, I knew that she loved butterflies so I asked her if she could come visit me as a butterfly. I cannot tell you how many times I have been out on my deck or any place where I was thinking or crying about my Mom when out of nowhere a beautiful butterfly appears! I know that sounds crazy but it helps me to think my mom is around me. It does look like I am going to be going through a second divorce, I hate to say that because I am so against them, I just dont know what other choice I have. I have a 2 year old granddaughter and 2 year old grandson that have become my whole world, I dont mind being alone and watching them grow to be wonderful people. Its also interesting that you talked about volunteer work as I have been doing some research for my area on volunteer work, I am hoping that maybe I can keep my mind busy and at the same time help someone else. I just wish I knew how long it will take until I can get by just one day without crying for my family that has passed. I love them all dearly but like I said for some reason when my mom passed I feel like my heart just shattered. Thank you again for your kindness and good advice. I will update on this forum from time to time to let everyone know how I am doing. I was reading other stories this evening and my heart goes out to everyone who is going through the same thing. I tried to write to a few but just as I started the tears started. Just please anyone who knows this feeling or who has lost a loved one, I am thinking of you and understand how bad it hurts. Thank you again... have a wonderful week. Lorene

Anne, you have such a wonderful way to tell a story. I love your perception of things. Honest, yet very soft. I am sorry your aunt has passed away, but you have wonderful memories, and it would have not been the same without her in your life. Trin

How fortunate you are, and thankful you can be, that your family has been so close, for the people in many families have nursed their grievances with the result that get-togethers are only partly pleasant ... and I know that you are not thinking about such things at the moment. Now you can help your brother find his way through this, and he you. I hope that you can find enough greater pleasure in remembering times with your mother than the pain associated with them that sharing them can help ease the pain for both of you. Perhaps in the coming days you may find that others have cherished memories of your mother that you've not been aware of, which will help you be more thankful for her life and the influence that she had on others, as well. One of the most effective ways that we can show our respect and appreciation for the good things that were in the lifestyle of others is to go out and do similar things as we carry on our lives, altered somewhat as indicated to fit into our way of living. Good thoughts and hopes for both of you, and for others who loved her, as you go along this painful journey, and some prayers offered on your behalf. ole joyful