Hi Joanne, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I could have written your post a little more than three years ago. My mom had the same symptoms as your mom. She kept complaining about shoulder pain for months and even went for ortho surgery on her shoulder. After that she still didn't get better and her appetite was non-existent. When she was hospitalized for shortness of breath, the ER doctor ran a CT and found a mass in her lung. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and passed away 3 weeks after her diagnosis. I wrote all this to tell you to be careful about your grief. I went thru a very hard time after my mother's death. I think part of the reason was the suddeness of her loss and being caught totally off guard and the guilt that I didn't realize how sick she was. My complicated grief evolved into a severe depression. I too tried to go through daily activities such as work, shopping, etc., but 6 months later I only felt more devestated and sad. I sought the help of a grief couselor who recogized the symptoms were more than just grief.You don't have to wait until you find you can't deal with it to get help. I believe a grief couselor is always helpful to guide you through a severe life trama that can result from losing a loved one. It will always be hard but you do get stronger and the joy will come back to your life. That's hard for you to believe but it will. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers. Hugs, Barbara

I'm so sorry. No, it isn't weird. I think all of us want to go home again at some time. Maybe it's grief, maybe it's wanting to be someone's child again... When I was in my late 20's or early 30's, I was going through a stressful time. I began to have a recurring dream. In real life, my grandmother's house was a tumbledown, worn-out old house that she'd had moved onto her lot, so it wasn't very level; the floors sort of went every whichway.. It always needed paint, & the windows were never perfectly clean. The linoleum floors were worn out, creased & buckled, the house was cold in the winter & hot in the summer, & the kitchen always smelled like dishwater. My grandmother had been a very old lady, bent from years of childbearing & hard work, & her clothes were always faded. Her white aprons were dingy. In my dream, it was always a sunny, blue-sky day, & I was "going home" for Thanksgiving. I would turn my car down the little dirt road & see, to my amazement, that the house was perfectly straight, & it was bright white with fresh paint. The windows were crystal-clean, & I could see the cheery flames in the Dearborn heater. Just as I arrived at the door, my grandmother would fling the door open & said, "Sylvia! Come on in this house!" She was chipper & cheery, & she was standing up straight, wiping her hands on her snowy-white apron. Her dress was bright & crisp. The house smelled like coffee & bacon. I said, "They told me you were dead!", & she laughed & said not at all, that she'd always be here for me. I dreamed that dream because, even 8 or 9 or so years after my dear grandmother had died & her house had been torn down, I wanted to go "back home", where I'd always been safe & happy. You & I are fortunate that we have warm memories of "home" to comfort us & maybe to make us smile. Take care.

Rebekkah, I'm so sorry. I hope you will read some of the posts on this forum, including old ones. You will see that you are most definitely not alone. Your mother was young, but not everyone lives to an old age. Many of us lost parents when we were quite young. I was nine when my mother died. I remember thinking similar thoughts to yours: I wanted to take back some of the things I said to her. I can tell you this, though. Not being about to take back things said in anger made me very cautious about what I said to people after that. After the age of nine, I never said anything in anger that I regretted afterward. I'm particularly sorry that you had to witness the medical efforts to save her. If these images persist in your mind, please see a therapist, someone experienced in helping those who grieve and particularly those who have experienced trauma at the same time. Re fairness, try to remember that life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is. When you think about what goes on in the world, it's easier to accept that statement. This was nothing you could have prevented. It's absolutely not your fault. Please try to live as your mother would want. She will guide you for the rest of your life. What would Mom want me to do? is a question you should ask yourself often. At some point you should read Motherless Daughters and Letters From Motherless Daughters. Good books. Finally, keep your heart and mind open to possible signs from your mother. They may or may not come, but if they do you'll want to recognize them. And some night she may come to you in a dream. Keep us posted, Rebekkah. Susan

thanks everyone. I'm getting a card to send to her today. I think George (Marg's partner) became close to Marg's family because he wasn't close to his own , except when they wanted money. I'm sure he was closer to Rach since she was always with Marg so I'm sure he's feeling he has lost it all. I remember Marg saying that they had a cake and party for him for his 60th birthday and he cried because no one had ever done such a nice thing for him. I also think he's drinking a lot again and he may have been drunk when he texted Rach. It's all just so sad. Thanks again Diane