I don't remember reading the thread but I do try and always take something to the hostess when I'm invited to dinner. I usually don't take food, unless requested to do so. But, I usually take either a bottle of wine or else a little something I know the person will enjoy. I try and keep Yankee candles on hand to take.

I don't remember the thread, but I do agree with your husband. If someone is cooking you donner, you might want to bring a simple hostess gift: A special coffee or tea, a small box of chocolates, a bottle of wine, a simple bouquet.

I agree with gardenspice. Something small. Flowers/plant, wine, candle.
Leslie

I wish I could remember where I read that. This is something where we are going to get together every other month, so we have to take something EVERY time? Or them to us? We went to a couple's home right after Christmas and we took them some very nice chocolates (truffles, I think) and also took some to Mary, who was coming also. When we were leaving, Mary just turned to the host and said "oh you can keep those" (meaning our gift to HER).

I have had company come and I'm frantically trying to get everything done. Someone walks in with flowers, not in a vase, uncut and I then had to stop and go hunt for a vase, cut the flowers myself, etc.. All the while trying to keep my dinner on track.

I told DH that HE could go get something. (I know he was wanting me to do it and I don't have the time - this woman "Mary" is a very picky person. When she was retiring, I took her a gift.... haven't seen a thank you note since (over a year).

If this is going to be a monthly get together with the same group of people, you might want to talk about it among yourselves. Should we bring a dish for the meal? Should we bring a host/hostess gift each time (maybe suggest drawing names and exchanging one gift at the end of the year instead). That way no one else would have to wonder either.

When I am invited to dinner, I usually ask 'What can I bring?' (meaning food for the meal). They either say a 'anything', a particular item, or 'you don't need to bring anything'.

Found this on Google:

Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of the famous Emily Post, has similar advice in her book Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition. Post says you should bring a gift to a dinner party "if appropriate." It's nice to present a host or hostess with a token of appreciation-a bottle of wine (but don't expect it to be served), candy, or gift soaps. Post says, though, that people "who dine frequently with one another are not expected to bring gifts on every occasion."

Thanks everyone. Thanks for finding that marygailv - I'm at work and didn't have time to do much research. I personally don't want someone to bring food to a dinner that I've planned. I have a menu already.

I agree that in a regularly scheduled get-to-gether, a hostess gift is probably not necessary. Also, a Hostess Gift is your "thank you" for being invited to dinner. Therefore, it is not necessary for the hostess to thank you for the thank you.

"Someone walks in with flowers, not in a vase, uncut and I then had to stop and go hunt for a vase, cut the flowers myself, etc.. All the while trying to keep my dinner on track."

Most of our friends cook, so in a case like that I would hand the reins to them and let them continue what I was doing so that I could find an appropriate vase for the flowers. But that usually doesn't happen because I'm the type of gal who, when it's the time for our company to arrive, makes sure I'm away from the stove long enough to greet them and spend a few minutes getting them settled. Planning is the key ;o)

I guess my question would be ...
Why are planning to socialize regularly with Mary if you don't like her and since she apparently has very poor manners?
(I'm not being a wiseguy here. I've recently belatedly realized that a relative that causes me a great deal of consternationdoes not need to be in my life.)

Generally, around here if you will be eating dinner with others on a regular basis it often becomes more of a pot luck kind of thing where each couple will bring some sort of side. I would at least offer to bring something and see what they say.

It is kind of considered bad ettiquette to have a dinner and then expect your guests to bring something, but you'd be surprised how many people don't know that. Plus, it's considered the norm and courteous that you (the guest) calls and offers to bring something. The host will either jump on it and tell or ask what you would like to bring, or they will/should say something along the lines of "oh, no don't bring anything - just bring yourselves" but at least you will have extended an offer. In the case that they tell you not to bring a dish for the dinner, then some sort of hostess gift would be in order.

With a hostess gift, don't bring anything that they will be expected to have to serve (all food, wine gifts should be for them to use at a later time although they may decide to serve that night). Do you bake, sometimes I bring biscotti - you could even buy some. A candle, nice chocolates. I've given a cookbook before... If they drink, wine is generally a very good option for a hostess gift.

We have a similar get together with a few other couples, 1st Saturday of each month. We gather and play games at someone's home or we go out for pizza. When we are going to a home I always take a small gift, the gift varies depending on the person. One gal loves Almond Joys so last week I bought a bag of the miniatures, emptied them into an apothecary jar painted for spring and gave them to her. Didn't cost me much and she loved it.

I'd call and say "What can we bring?"

If she says "nothing", would bring a small hostess gift.

I had a post in Nov. 08 about preparing pumpkin pie in advance and baking it when I got there (which was fine because it was at DDs house and we were there a day early). Anyway, that thread kind of morphed into whether to take food, etc. to someone's house when invited for a meal.
I can't find that thread.

Leslie/KS

Gardenspice, this is a woman who worked with my DH (she and he were the only ones to relocate here because they needed jobs and the company closed the Dallas office). Mary got laid off in Feb 08. She is not a person I could be close friends with, but we have few acquaintances here and DH wants to maintain some kind of relationships. She's not a bad person, just never seems to be happy about anything. We've not ever been to her house so I wouldn't have a clue if she likes candles, etc. I did think of one thing to take her - she has grandchildren and needs a brag book. At the last dinner mentioned above, she brought her grandchildren's photos in a ziploc bag and said, "Aren't those the most beautiful children you've ever seen?" to which I answered, "Almost." (OUR DD is the beautiful child we've ever seen - :P as all parents think...)

For some reason Carla's post made me giggle. If someone were to bring me a cook book I would definitely pull a mrsmarv and hand over the reins to her. With no problem!

But I agree, just ask.

Missindia, just so you and frazoo don't think you're imagining things, I remember the thread and can't find it, either, but I don't remember Frazoo's pumpkin pie being the beginning of the thread. I'm pretty sure I posted on the hostess gift thread, too.

Sherry

I agree that bringing food to a dinner party is unneccessary and often times causes a conflict. MIL used to do that and it made me feel like she was afraid I wouldn't feed her properly. And if she brought something fancy that outshined (outshone/what's the right word?) MY food, it was kind of insulting, IMO. She never checked with me first.

I always take a hostess gift if it's the first time we've dined there, usually a set of coasters or a pretty dishtowel, something like that. Never food. Occasionally wine, but I tell her to put it away for them to use some other time unless she WANTS to serve it, it's up to her.

The next times- if we're getting to be good friends and I have something they'd like or want, I might bring something, but I don't do it all the time, wouldn't want it to become a habit or be too predictible.

zeetera,

Yeah, I guess I should have explained the cookbook gift better. The girl I gave it to and I are good friends and she knows I think she is the best cook. The cookbook was a fundraiser cookbook put out by our church and she collects them... so it was something I knew she would personally like.

What I guess I generally meant was if you know your host well, you can pick out a more personal hostess gift. I personally love cooking and would love to get a church cookbook from someone who I know likes my cooking...but, I admit, if I didn't like cooking, getting a generic store bought one from someone I don't know well, may not go over as well... So, on second thought, it's probably best to pass on the cookbook idea and just go with some good wine ;-)

Several of you mentioned wine, but I cannot drink it and appreciate Non alcoholic products. Love that Cranberry stuff from Welches. I took some holiday dishtowels and found out later, this person was kind of picky (relative of my SIL) loves birds, and gardening, so may choose something else, if we go back but other things are becoming to show up so may not go back to eat again. Nice people, but they prefer their own family and friends for meals. Just the way they are.

I've been to many homes for dinner and have had many friends in for dinner over many years. In the circles that my DH and I socialized with, no one ever took a gift, and we never took a gift. I've had a variety of people, both "just like us" or way more "upscale." Two I can think of right now would be the President of a large college, and a Professor of a different large college. They didn't bring a gift. Our circle never did that. Seems to be a little higher up on the "Social scale" to me.

We were always just everyday ordinary folks.

Sue

Most of the time we have dinner with close friends, and we all bring along a couple of bottles of wine, an appetizer or dessert. Since we dine with close friends frequently it kind of "spreads the wealth" so to speak. It's always been a given in our circle.

If it's a holiday dinner or special occasion luncheon or dinner we're going to, we always bring a host/hostess gift, whether it's a book from a favorite author, cookbook, flowers or personalized gift basket.

I kind of think it's little silly to keep the hostess gifts going round and round. When I entertain, I prefer to take care of everything from soup to nuts, and that's how I like to be a guest, too. Taking or receiving a "little token something" like a book or dish towel, flowers or wine, seems completely unnecessary to me. It's too much like trying to be imaginative or thoughtful, as if the gesture relieves one of writing a thank you note. I believe my hosts mean don't bring anything when I ask them what I can bring. I don't know what the etiquette books say about writing notes nowadays, though.

I always send a note to my hosts immediately, thanking them for a lovely time.

As a guest, I never take anything unless I'm asked to, which I do happily. The only events I'm ever asked to take something to are BBQs and summertime parties, and then the hosts are specific in ther requests. Evenings with friends, or the less frequent, fancier dinners, nada.

I love having people in for dinner, and we're having two couples here tomorrow night. I'm sure they won't bring us any gifts, and we'll have a wonderful time.

Sherry

The way I was raised - with my Grandmother, the Queen of All Polite Behavior - was that hostess gifts were mandatory if you were an overnight guest. They were not expected nor required for a dinner party.

Thank you notes are always required for any overnight stays, and I send them, as well as leaving a hostess gift upon my departure.

But if I just invite you to dinner, I neither want or require a gift. I don't do scented candles, I sneeze at most flowers, LOL, and I certainly don't want a dishtowel! If you send a thank-you card, that would make my day.

I do send thank-you notes to people who invite us for a dinner. Sometimes they're surprised, but they are always gratified that I took the time.

Thanks, everyone. I'm with Sherrmann and Mary C... my DH is the one who thinks we need to take something. I cannot tell you how many times we ate at my mother's house and never took a thing. Just DH doesn't count MIL! (I wish she were still alive to fix her wonderful Chicken Fried Steak!!!)

I think it might be a regional thing. When I was growing up in Oregon, we didn't socialize much (poor Mom,) but when we did I don't recall taking anything with us or receiving anything, other that a little candy for us kids, from anyone. When we moved to CA I noticed that almost everyone either expected dinners to be potluck or happily accepted an offer. I have gotten into the habit of taking a bottle of wine or flowers, if not a dish, when we are asked to dinner. There are a few close friends who, when they say "don't bring anything," I happily give in. It's lovely to go to someone's house for dinner and not have to prepare for it!

This thread is on the "Entertaining" GW forum.

Here is a link that might be useful: Being told what to bring to a party

Friday I posted that we were having guests for dinner on Saturday, and wrote that I was sure they wouldn't bring any gifts. Well, one wife brought two daffodils she picked from her own garden, and I was delighted! Imagine! Daffodils in SE Wisconsin in March! She said she has one little patch that blooms this early almost every year, so she wanted to share. I have leaves poking through the soil, but we're weeks away from flowers!

They were gorgeous on the table!

I think it is always proper, but not necessary, to ask if there is anything you can bring. If not, take a small gift IF YOU WANT TO. If your heart isn't in it, it's pretty much meaningles, isn't it? I would be delighted with two daffodils!