I think I would put something like "supper will be provided Saturday night, BYOB if iced tea isn't what you want. Bring your camp stove if you're camping here." Lower their expectations so they'll realize that you aren't a free food kitchen. You can always do more for them if you want to, but by saying it this way, they'll surely realize that you aren't providing every meal for every person.

Oh no! I am totally picturing Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation!

Cousin Eddie was FUN! lol!

malna, your dilemma seems to be centered on how to handle the wildcards: the
"cousins and friends". How many of them are we talking about and what
age group? What's the total count of people expected for the party?
Also wondering if this is supposed to be a surprise party for your DH? I do think that a weekend-long party with people you don't know does open you up for some problems. :p

When I have a large party, particularly for a special occasion, I try to supply what I consider 'the basics': all required food (I always accommodate special dietary requirements by including foods that are gluten-free/low-fat/diabetic-friendly/yadayada) and I usually have wine, beer, coffee, soda, juice, and water, at a minimum. I then tell everyone my plans and let them know they need to bring any other food/drink they'd require. I've never had a problem with the format and the majority of people will bring a bottle of soda or wine (and never drink it!) but I usually don't include many teenagers. And I've never hosted a weekend-long party! :p

It's difficult knowing how to plan when you don't even know your potential guests.

I go along with FlamingO' s idea of letting all know you will supplying ONE meal only. If you are nice enough to let them use your back yard etc and what about bathroom facilities etc? Be sure if you want to put valuables, meds, paper work out of sight, and/or locked up, especially if you know people will be in and out of your home. Many years ago, I had over 200.00 stolen out of my purse at a relative's home These were DH's nieces etc. and later one of the nieces warned us not to leave anything valuable around a certain person--of course this was after the money turned up missing. The only reason I had it with me, was my DD had paid back some money she borrowed from me and she gave it to me at the home. Also if there are any under age kids around do watch the alcohol.

BTW, it sounds like fun, and I don't think your invitation is tacky. If I were invited I'd bring a large salad... something out of the ordinary... but I love to cook. :)

I would omit "There should be plenty of food, I think (I'm starting to hit the loss-leader sales for canned goods, meat, etc. so it's not a huge chunk of change all at once) plus I know the neighbors will bring stuff." That leads them to not bring anything.... Also start a facebook group to chat with invitees to gauge what they might bring... that is what we do with annual family reunion... or everyone pitches in $ for a whole hog!

Tim, I didn't read it as she is going to include that part. That's just her comment, I believe, to us after she ended the quote (" " ) at the end of what she is thinking of saying.

I think the invitation sounds great - and NOT tacky.

malna, in a time of grief, folks are usually happy to bring food--it's how we try to show we care. I don't think it's tacky at all. I hope you have a wonderful celebration, sharing memories. :)

oh! sorry, 'life celebration' meant birthday party to me!

Rhizo, I was having thoughts (nightmares maybe) about a little Animal House added :-)

And yes, this is a backyard party in lieu of a funeral. For some reason (and I have NO idea why) DH did not like the term "potluck". Just one of those "that word is like fingernails on a blackboard" to him. So I can't say it! I did before I met him, but I sure didn't for 28 years LOL.

Just before DH died, we had done our butchering and bought our staples for the winter pantry (flour, sugar, some canned goods, etc.), so I have a lot of ingredients. I mean a LOT of food. I really need to trim down the pantry and the freezers, so I don't mind cooking multiple meals for a crowd. But I don't have enough for 6 meals for 100 people :-)

One of the reasons I decided to have it all weekend is I am inviting people like the nurses that took care of him (and me!) who work crazy schedules, and long-time business clients who are also our friends coming from out of town. I thought it might be better to have 20-25 people at any one time rather than having 100-125 people for 6 or 8 hours, and not being able to talk to anyone, because I was too busy to enjoy the party.

I've rented portajohns - my very old plumbing is too fragile for something like this, and that should keep "people in the house" to a minimum. Good thought, though. Sometimes I'm soooo naive.

The "wildcards" (perfect term - thank you, party_music) range in age (I think) from 25-40. Doesn't mean they won't behave like immature idiots if DH's stories still hold true <maybe, maybe not>. Very few small children or teens. I have been known as the Wicked Witch in the past. I was brought up that children are seen, not heard and on strict best behavior at gatherings (I remember when wooden spoons were "legal"!), so I have no problem disciplining an unruly, out of control, obnoxious 4 year old brat (who happened to be my grand-nephew). He didn't like sitting in a very uncomfortable chair facing a blank wall. Every time he kicked the wall I reset the timer for another 5 minutes. Took five resets for the message to sink in that he wasn't going to manipulate me like he does with his parents. Same technique would probably work with a 40 year old, too :-p

Thank you all for your insight and ideas. Many, many thanks. Keep 'em coming.

I always put in the invites that we appreciate your contributions to the tables. That way they know something is expected. I also say if they would like suggestions of things needed to please ask but to feel free to bring what ever they think everyone would enjoy. That always works very well. We have those kinds of big parties often with a very diverse group of friends, relatives, work associates and neighbors. I make large batches of foods and we do all the meats in the smoker. Hams, briskets, ribs, roasts, turkeys and chickens and sausage. I use my big electric roaster to fix up big batches of chili, or beans, what ever. I give one drink option and anything else is byob. Now in some cases we have ice chests of beer and coolers of "punch" for adults.
I would say the outdoor grill will be available for any camping cooking needs, so they know they are not going to be coming indoors to use your kitchen.

I think it is a wonderful idea to do this kind of celebration! That is kind of what we did after my Mom's funeral. We all gathered at my nephews big country house and had a big bbq and everyone brought food and we celebrated mom and dad's life and our stories of our lives with them. It was truly priceless.

We never have "pot luck" dinners, we have "pitch in dinners".

Sue

Be very clear the event is a pot luck and instruct people to bring food or drink, or supplies. Tell them to not hesitate to contact you if they need ideas of what's needed.

Don't be nebulous about it, as you're already stressing about how much food you'll need.

Believe me, there WILL be freeloaders who will not hesitate to eat you out of house and home.

Sounds like quite the event!

Okay, I get not saying "potluck" because of your beloved's preferences, but you surely can describe it as one. FWIW, and to be blunt, I actually did find your initial wording a bit tacky, but not the intent behind it. Normal people don't go to a widow's house expecting to chow down, but you don't know all these people. They think they're going to a campground in an unprotected nature park if they're thinking ATVs.

You have to say something and you have to be very very clear and direct. I know this doesn't sit well with everybody, but you can do it in a ladylike manner that's kind and upbeat, but sets expectations clearly. Think of it as something similar to an employee handbook. You set out expectations and duties so that all will know what to do.
-----------------
Example:
You are invited to a celebration of NAME's life, at his and Malna's home. We will share stories and songs and remember him for the (adjective adjective) man he was. This is a community celebration, with all his family, friends and neighbors, and everyone, as is the local custom, will be bringing foods to share to the meals they attend. We're hoping that people will bring and enjoy NAME's favorite foods like chili, hot dogs, BBQ chicken, and all the traditional side dishes, though, of course, if you have any other favorites, specialties or special needs, you're welcome to bring them along, as well. There will be plenty of iced tea and water, and you're welcome to bring any other beverages you'd prefer to drink.

To those who've arranged to camp out, please keep in mind that this is a private residence, and your campground is our garden. The party will be mostly outdoors, so please be mindful of that as you make your plans. We've arranged for outdoor facilities as well, and will have grills and ice available for you to use while you camp.
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You can sweeten that up even more, but the point is to be clear about your expectations. I understand about clearing out your pantry/freezer, but people show up with nothing or too little at potlucks all the time. Or say that a campout style barbecue will be provided at X time. If they end up bringing too much you can always contribute some of your food to the hungry. Being clear and firm is much better than feeling put upon.

I cut down on the menu, above, since you will be providing some things, and it was the enumeration of every little thing you were offering that I thought tipped it over the line in your first post. Let the food and beverages you provide be extras and seen as generous, rather than promised and not being enough to go around and feeling parsimonious.

There is nothing worse then being wiped out and as you said could happen. Bring your own meat and side dish, drinks if not provided, bring your own pop,etc. its expensive and it will finish if they over eat or clean you out and that will ruin it all. Yes, potluck, bring your own meat and yes, if they have their bbq,etc. to help cook it all, then suggest that.Why are people so won't say potluck or be very specific in bringing your own meat and drinks, side dish to add to potluck dishes. Bring your own cooler with your drinks to keep cool unless you have extra fridge to hold drinks but that could be a problem too as they could be drank by the ones that don't bring anything. You figure out the cost and how much meat they will eat, what gets totally wasted. Also bring your own condiments as many will over use those too, I have gone to places and nothing worse then there isn't anything to be put on, no mustard, no ketchup, anything like that. Also bring your own plates and silverware.

Why not have as much help as possible and not ruin it for you both and destroy what should be a special day.

Many will come home for free food and free for all and eat all you want and leave nothing for later comers or even for yourselves to enjoy too.

And why is his kids inviting these free loaders? That is up to you who you want for your husband's special day to come and the limit too.

Sounds like you are already overwhelmed with it all but so afraid of ones ruining the special day, eating and leaving nothing for others to eat. Same with drinks.

kathy

Malna, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dh. I wish you a beautiful remembrance get-together and a stress-less weekend!

one would hope they would be respectful of your grief and that this a celebration of life not a open bar/food, ect... however, do put byob as that can be costly even if you just had waters and soda...and why not ask if they can bring special dishes that they remember having as children? i'd also have them bring any photos...those seem to be such cherished items...do you have a printer? wouldn't it be fun if they shared and made copies?

will you have a visit to his internment? we did for my mother, and my uncle was kind enough to stop at old family homes in town/farm, ect...

what a wonderful idea you have created...

(((malna))) I echo Pillog and some of the other comments. Make it very plain, in a polite way that contributions to the meal are expected. Pillog put it really well.

At my Dad's celebration, we did provide the beer and we had a special toast of Crown Royal from the last bottle he had. Other than that, it was a cash bar, for those who preferred something stronger. For those who came from out of town and were staying with me, it was expected that they provide their own refreshments and we all pitched in with the food and cooking.

I personally think it is nice that more and more people are getting away from a traditional funeral and are going with celebrations that reflect who the person really was. I think it allows those attending to feel more relaxed, share the good stories and lots of joy and laughter in remembering. I think most people would prefer to be remembered that way.

Asking and informing are fine. I am more than open to a note that says we have ___________, so it'd be great if you brought ____________. Just got two messages that said that. I told what I'd bring to the second one and copied everyone so we won't duplicate.

Funny thing happened to me once, I got told what to bring to an event, and I wasn't even going! HA! Joke was on them since I didn't even see the "request" until I'd returned from why I'd missed the event. People just make me laugh.

:)

Can you possibly back out of allowing people to camp in your yard? If anything sours your event, it'll be that.

Many times I don't come up with the right tone in voice/writing to express myself, and I can be easily misunderstood. I always need an editor, and I have lots here! Thank you all so much for "editing" the wording/potential interpretation. It helped enormously!

DH was estranged from his kids for quite a few years, and all three of them suddenly mellowed a couple of years ago. They established a good, stable relationship and I want to continue that. Especially after the kids lost both their parents in 14 months, so I'm kinda sorta all they have left - scary thought :-)

So, if they want to camp out, fine. They now know the rules (they absolutely, positively know what behavior their father would accept and what he would go ballistic about). They agreed that they are responsible for "their" guests. If it turns into mayhem and chaos, I have a stash of wine in the basement, I will sit with a glass in my hand, eat popcorn, and watch them clean it up, fix it up, or pay for it. I'm really looking forward to this celebration, and I'm not stressing at all anymore. Probably because I am the best (or is it the worst?) procrastinator in the ENTIRE universe, and I've started working on this early enough to think through the process.

I can't tell you how much help you all have been!

For your own peace of mind, contact your insurance agent and make sure you have adequate coverage. Anytime alcohol comes into play in any situation subjects the provider to potential liability. Even though it's a "sampling" you won't be able to control someone getting bombed and hurting themselves, others or property.

You weren't tacky at all. Condolences on your loss. Hope you have a great event. I suspect it will go much smoother than you think. You might be like me in the overplanning, worrying part. If you run short on food, order a pizza!

My condolences.

I will second Cynic about contacting your insurance agent. Even someone tripping over their own feet could cause a problem. Or a slip on the steps, ect.

As to wording, and not wanting to use the word potluck, how about saying Please bring a covered dish to share. People from everywhere have potlucks, but call them by many different names!

I hope that this celebration of your DH's life brings many happy memories to be shared by all. I also like the suggestion that everyone be asked to bring photos to share if they have them. Perhaps even suggest that they bring a COPY for everyone to see, not the original. That way, if a photo is somehow damaged or lost, the original is still in the owner's possession. I also like the suggestion that there be a printer available to make copies if that is possible, and you have the paper and ink to do so, if you can afford it.

I think what you are doing sounds like a wonderful celebration of your DH's life. I have no suggestions, but want to give you a nice hug.

If you think there's a lawsuit or liability risk for a gathering involving close friends and family, I'd make other plans. Insurance isn't the answer.

Best wishes to you.

Lawsuits are always a possibility, and everyone should be concerned and aware. However, it shouldn't render us so afraid that we put police tape around our homes!

Have you faced a liability suit from a close friend or family member?

I know people do all kinds of dumb and unexpected things, especially when money is involved, but this would be a new one for me.

Maybe I misinterpreted it but I understood there were others than immediate family being invited and it sounded like there were others being brought to the event too. It's a simple suggestion, a phone call. Can't quite understand why 2 minutes to cover your butt would cause such a controversy! LOL Personally I would do it, but then again I believe in umbrella policies to cover my properties that others have no right to enter. For me, it's $100/year. A single event item would be a pittance if there's a charge necessary I would guess. But to each their own. Even for a wedding I encourage people to check coverage. A couple minute time investment is a "no-brainer" IMO but others obviously trust people and/or have had far better experiences than have I so use your own judgment.

As for copying and printing pictures, why? I'd have a scanner available and scan them in. Ask for a volunteer to do this. Then there's a full set for you which I think would be a cherished memory and you can email the pics to people wanting them or better yet, upload them to something like photobucket and people could download them or print them out at their leisure.

Again, I hope it's a fun-filled time with lots of memories shared.

Cynic, good idea about the insurance company. As I said above, I can be so naive (or oblivious) about certain things - I hadn't given it a thought. Can't hurt to double check. One reason the kids are camping out is so they aren't driving home!