Do you know why he stopped communicating with you?

He has always been been allowed as a young adult to pretty much speak to me anyway he chose(my fault, but it was easier then gettin in an argument) and say anything he chooses to me without me saying anything back to him. There have been times he has been down right nasty. He always says....I'm just in a mood!!! However this particular time I had enough, he told me to shut up. It was all about a dumb t.v. show, (believe it or not) I had made a comment about the show and he said,"just shut up, I don't want to hear anything about it." I had enough and told him to not speak to me that way. I was really sick of the way thinks he can say anything he wants to me and I'm suppose to take it. He got up from the chair, stormed out of the room and the rest is history. I actually asked why he was acting like this last night and he said,"I'm just in a mood, I'll get over it."
I'm getting so sick of his moods and disrespect.

jean,learn from my situation. That's how we started and look where we are now. Your son has learned that moodiness is an excuse for rudeness and that he won't be held accountable. He's ignoring you because he's hoping that you'll be the one to take the step to communicating on his terms.
I should have set rules and enforced them and I didn't. Now, I'm getting the- non-communication because I'm depressed and moody- story whenever I try to press the issue about changes having to be made and that he needs to step up and be a man.
If you don't stand up to him now, you'll be where I am in about 10 years or sooner.
I have a mess to deal with, but if only one person can learn from my mistakes then at least my posting here will have had some benefit.

Thanks fiddledee2, I appreciate your advice and although you are going through the same thing,it's nice to know I'm not alone.
What the heck is wrong with young folks now? You give them love and respect and all I really ask for in return is some respect and he just doesn't get it, or doesn't want to or really couldn't care less.
I may have gotten moody or depressed when I was younger also but thank God I respected my parents until the day they died and I don't have that to answer for.

Hi Jean

Its not too late to expect respect from your son. Learn what words you must use to demand the respect and stick to it. He will soon learn that things have to change.

He is acting like a child he needs to grow up...but you need to stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat.

Read some books about BOUNDARIES to give you some insight.

We are responsible for how people treat us, so you must change if you want a happier household. Just think how nice it would be to have a happy time with your son.

All the best Jean

POPI

Um - maybe the wrong thing to mention - but unless your son is in college, why is he still living at home? Shouldn't he be thinking of getting his own apartment. Unless you have an arrangement that he pays rent and bills with you... which I hope you do! If not, start.

Otherwise, if you are paying all the bills, and he is still living there and treating you badly... that is really inexcusable.

Bottom line: He needs to take responsibility for his own behavior, not blame it on his moods... that is a cop out. He can't have "moods" at his place of employment, they won't stand for it, and he'll get fired. So he shouldn't do it to his family either. It's a head game he is playing with you and it should stop.

But maybe you could have been rude to him by making fun of a tv show he was watching... I don't think you would like that if he did that to you.

BUT that said, Even so, you should never tell someone to shut up, that is really rude.

Good luck!

My dd--at age 26--just moved from our house into her own home. We didn't mind her staying home, as long as she had a job, paid board, and was respectful. Allowing her to live here, gave her the chance to establish herself in her career, to save, and to be in the position to buy a home, rather than tossing money away on rent, when she did move out.

I see nothing wrong with allowing a young adult to stay home--it's SO expensive out there these days, not like when many of us were young.

However, I would NOT put up with an adult child treating me with such disrespect in my home--even one who was paying toward the household expenses.

It does sound as though you've allowed things to get a bit out of hand over the years. Being a good parent is tough--you can't sit back and let bad behavior go, simply because it's so much trouble to correct it. Sets a bad precedent, and as you've seen, in the long run, you end up with a worse situation on your hands.

Of course, that's water under the bridge now. What's done is done, and you have to figure out 'where do we go from here'. I think I'd let him know we had to talk. Choose a time when you're both calm, well-fed, nothing pressing you have to do. Speak calmly. Lay out the problems you see--but do so in a calm, matter-of-fact way. And try asking him how HE thinks the problems might be solved. Works well with older men, maybe he'll be flattered enough that you've asked for his advice, to offer some viable solutions. Take your clue from his response, give it some time, but understand that at 23, you don't have to shoulder the financial responsibility for him any more. If he really doesn't show any interest in changing, I'd have no problem with letting him know it was time for him to be on his own.

One other thing to consider, though--if this problem has gotten worse? Any chance there are drugs involved? Sounds as if he's had some anger problems for a while, and often kids like that do turn to drugs. If that is the case, drugs completely destroy the user's personality. They can turn a decent person into a thief; they can rob a person of their judgment, morals and ethics. While you cannot allow that sort of thing in your life--it's far too dangerous--it needs to be remembered that the drug user truly isn't totally responsible for the hurtful things he's doing. Do hope it's not that. I know how hard it is to accept, we've had a couple of cases of it in our family and unfortunately, most closed their eyes until things were in a catastrophic state.

At any rate, make up your mind that you deserve to be treated better than you are, and stick to your guns. Good luck.

jean, you ask, What the heck is wrong with young folks now? And your answer is in your first post: It has always been that he can say anything he wishes to me and I never would say anything to him about what he said or how he said it.

What's wrong with kids is that they learn what their parents teach them. After 23 years you're just NOW getting fed up with him treating you with disprespect?

Earning that long lost respect at this point will be extremely difficult if it's even possible. Sorry to be so negative but letting him be disrespectful because it was easier than disciplining him is the lazy way to raise a kid. And since that's the way you raised him, how can you blame him for acting that way now?

The only real solution I can see is that you're going to have to make it clear to him that this disrespectful attitude will no longer be tolerated -- and you have to catch him EVERY TIME he talks to you in that way. Every single time till he catches on. This won't be easy, and it won't be quick and you will have to really commit to it.

It's not about getting in an argument. It's about stopping him in his tracks. The minute he begins with the attitude you stop him. No yelling, no arguing, just tell him he's being disrespectful and that when he can talk to you correctly you'll be happy to continue the conversation.

I will say that if you're not willing to really follow through with repairing the damage that's already been done, it's probably not worth doing anything at all.

And I'd also be interested in finding out why a 23 yr old is still at home. I'm not saying it shouldn't be done, but there should be a very good reason for it. Does he attend college? Is he working? Is he contributing to the household, both financially and with chores/duties? What are you and he doing in order to progress to the day when he moves out?