My family hates my fiancï¿½!!!

12 years ago

HELP!! I don't know what to do. I am engaged to a man that loves me unconditionally he is the only person in the world who knows my secrets he gets me and I am completely in love with him. That being said, he is kind of cocky and does enjoy talking about himself which I understand can be annoying. I have a large and loud outspoken family and they have no issue with telling him to shut up. This is usually done in good humor but at times they can be rude about it and I know it hurts and frustrates him. This past weekend we all went camping and to a concert over 5 days. To say things were tense is an understatement. It all started when my fiancÃ¯Â¿Â½ was going in to give my aunt a hug she ran away from him and jumped into her car he then followed her and layed on the hood which apparently caused a dent. He said that he would pay to fix it and that issue was done. The rest of the weekend they were all picking on him (which they do to everyone but if you're not used to it and don't understand it can be hurtful) one night him and my mom got into an argument bc he stubbed his toe and they all laughed and called him a baby which really bothered him. It ended with h telling me he was done with my family and couldn't handle it any more. The next day he was more or less over it. Today after we all got home my mom called me up telling me I needed to do something about him bc he was too much of a baby and if he can't handle them joking with him then she was going to get mad. She also basically told me that the whole group (10 family members) all felt the same way and all said that I am overly jealous and never leave him be. I am extremely upset bc my fiancÃ¯Â¿Â½ already dislikes how my mom treats me.... I am her only child and she smothers me and guilts me into always taking her side, she also drinks a lot and he doesn't really like that. I don't know what to do she told me if I don't tell him to basically shut up and take their abuse that she will end up "cracking him" bc he has a hot temper with her and can become disrespectful after being pushed and pushed. I feel like it's starting to become and real problem and that I am going to have to ultimately choose between the two most important parts of my life.. My fiancÃ¯Â¿Â½ and my family... What do I do :(

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Comments (4)

sylviatexas1
12 years ago
'she told me if I don't tell him to basically shut up and take their abuse that she will end up "cracking him" bc he has a hot temper with her and can become disrespectful after being pushed and pushed.'

Your mother has threatened your fiancee.

This is a bad thing, but you can use it as a good thing.

It's an opportunity for you to put them in their places & take control of your own life, to make your rules for anyone who wants you to allow them in your life.

You were born into a disfunctional family that delights in sadistically controlling you & in running off someone who is a threat to their control.

This is an excellent time for you to pull the plug on their power.

*Leaving fiancee out of it*, because this is between you & them, tell them that you are through with their manipulativeness & won't tolerate even one more instance of their shockingly bad behavior.

Tell them 'one strike & you're out'.

& they won't believe it, so they'll try to pull your strings again.

at which time you pull the plug.

They won't like it, but there's nothing they can do about it.

Thank goodness you have someone who loves you;
it's much easier to 'stand on your own 2 feet' when you have support!

When I stopped making any effort at getting along with my messed-up family, life started being much much better.

I still worry too much, & I still have troubles, as everybody does, but I don't spend my whole life trying to make sure my mother/brother/other brother doesn't get mad at me.

I wish you the very best.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Mon, Jul 7, 14 at 21:28
jewelisfabulous
12 years ago
1) Don't start planning the wedding yet.

2) How long have you been dating? Many of these things tend to work themselves out over time. The younger you are, the longer you should date each other before marriage.

3) You both sound fairly young (late teens, early twenties at most), so see #1.
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It does sound a little like a tempest in a teapot, but what caught my eye is that your mother says he's 'cheap'. Not having money is one thing, but being cheap is a lot worse. It means that you'll never have anything that's more than the bare basic need; no matter how much money you or he makes, no matter how much you have in the bank, you won't have a nice home when a crummy apartment will suffice. (I once knew a guy whose children never learned to ride bicycles because their neighborhood was unsafe; the family lived in that particular house because the home that they owned in a nicer area was leased out... because it brought in more rent!) Years ago, I learned to 'rate' guys by the tip they left when we ate out. A person who won't give a nice tip to a waitress or waiter won't spend more than he absolutely has to on you either. I wish you the best.
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Tammy's answer notwithstanding, it is true that once you have children, THEY are your primary responsibility and job for the next 18-20 year. Yes, some people do get remarried, and have successful blended families, BUT you've had ample warning that this woman is NOT going to be a good person to have you your son's orbit. As a responsible parent, you have NO busines, NO right exposing your precious child to someone who isn't going to be a positive influence on him. I'm sorry to say, for the next 2 decades, you are going to have to put HIS well-being ahead of your own interests. That's what good parents do--whether they're a solid married couple or single parents. Before you date, or bring someone into your life, you need to think long and hard about how they will impact upon your child. This relationship isn't one that's going to be healthy for your son--you have to end it for that reason. That's the bottom line. Know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's what any truly good parent will tell you.
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Are you kidding me? He hopes she dies giving birth? Calling her horrible names, thowing out your 15 yr old son and wanting to throw out the pregnant 16 yr old? Sorry but your husband is a real A**HOLE. Don't get me wrong, I have issues in my home but my problems seem like a walk in the park compared to what is going on in your house. We don't know the whole story but I just can't help but feel terrible for your daughter. While it's unfortunate that she became pregnant at such a young age, it's done and she has to deal with that. She will need you. Why would you even think about putting her out on the streets? Why would you even allow your 15 yr old son to be put out? I'm assuming that you probably have had a lot of issues with the teens and your husband doesn't know how to deal with it so he just wants to kick everybody to the curb. Those are your kids and you just don't give up on your kids! Somebody needs to leave but I don't think it's the kids. I'd make DH leave or I'd pack up my kids and get out of there!
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So you don't have any rules your daughter has to abide? Why is he stuck disciplining your nasty kid and becoming the kid's punching bag for it? You and he should decide what the rules will be and YOU should enforce them. If you can't, she needs to move on. How do you think it makes him feel that you let your kid treat him like that? Would you let your daughter treat your mom like that? Would you let him treat HER like that? Of course you wouldn't. So why is it OK for her to treat the man you probably claim to love most in this world so bad? That's really sad.
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calisha46
12 years ago
Get yourself to an Al-anon meeting so you can learn how to detach from your alcoholic mother and stop letting her sickness invade your life. Sooner or later you're going to have to grow up and make some difficult choices. It's best to get the tools now so that the choices you make will be healthy ones. Your family won't like it when you gain some self-confidence and self-determination, but the alternative is not a pretty picture.
popi_gw
12 years ago
Your family sounds like they are acting in a passive aggressive manner, which is nasty. Here is a chance for you to spread your wings and find a loving, positive thinking life for yourself.

How terrible to have your mother threaten you ! To say that it is normal to just take abuse is really terrible. Very immature.

It is sad you are in a culture of this behavior, sounds like you have met someone who could have a positive impact on your life.

Ask a trusted person how best to talk to your mother, without inflaming the situation. But state your boundaries.

Good luck.

My family hates my fiancï¿½!!!

Comments (4)

sylviatexas1

jewelisfabulous

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calisha46

popi_gw

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