mothers estranged from adult children

patticakes_1951

18 years ago

This is my first time on the web site so this is a test message. I read some the messages last night and feel

for the first time like there are people who have the same pain I do from the estrangement of my children.I have 2 sons in their 30's and a 20 year ol grandson that I love very much but I think I have given up. The last time my oldest called(2 months ago) and said he was finished with me I didn't even cry. the heart still hurts but there were no tears.

Sometimes you just have to walk away or die from a broken heart.

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snowdene_gmail_com

15 years ago

last modified: 11 years ago

I am a 38-year-old male that is not estranged from my mother. However, we are close. I've read through every one of these messages, and most of you ladies sound like my mother. I read a lot of guilt and hurt, for which I am sorry. From my perspective, as the adult son in all of this, perhaps you should be taking inventory and asking yourself, 'why does my son/daughter not want to see me?'. My family is dysfunctional on my mom and dad's side...mental illness leading to drug use, etc. I have chosen a different path, a path that led me to get my engineering degree, to marry a successful educated woman and we have a beautiful daughter, and to strive for 'more' in life. My mom and dad no NOTHING excpect for control and manipulation....I still get 'guilted' and 'lectured' in my late 30s. My parents disrespect how my wife and I raise our daughter...repeatedly...so I've had enough of the drama and stress. I see my mother (and father) enough to ensure my daugher knows them. So like I said, PLEASE take a look in the mirror before assuming it's ALL your kids fault. Happy Mother's Day, ladies.

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Comments (169)

garden60
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Motherlode, my heart breaks as I read our post about the email you received from your son. I received the same email from my son a year ago. It all stemmed from his marriage to a very nasty young lady who counselors believe has borderline personality disorder. Lots of nastiness on her part and I blocked every arrow she threw; that made my son mad because he just wanted me to give in to everything she demanded and keep it peaceful. Even after they came to our house after the wedding and she was verbally abusive and ended up walking out shouting back at us "F _ _ _ you". Even then I called my son and said we all have said/done things that need to be forgiven, we need to move on with love and respect, etc. and he sent me a similar email. We are moving on; I haven't seen him in 16 months or heard from him. It is hard to move on. I pray about it daily. I am so sorry for you.
ebab4
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi, I am new to this forum and so thankful that I found it. I have been reading your postings for the past couple of months and have cried while reading many of them. I and my husband have been estranged from our 42 year old daughter since June of 2008. In the past several years she became more and more disrespectful and I kept quiet and put up with it. Finally, it got to a point where I had enough of being mistreated and demanded that she act like a respectful daughter and I wanted an apology. She refuses to talk to us now unless we go to a family therapist. I do not think that we need a therapist, we just need to sit and discuss what it is that is causing the differences between us, but I did agree to go to a therapist who is a priest also, but she refused. I believe, as you do, sanjean that Satan has taken over our children and that we need to pray to God for him to help our them. I know that my daughter cannot have any faith because if she did she would never be treating her parants the way she is. I think also that we are given these trials to help us get closer to God and ask for his help, but I also think that our children may be going through these trials to make them turn back to God once they see that happiness will never be theirs as long as they are being cruel and disrespectful to their parents. If they are acting this way towards us, you know that they must be treating alot of other people the same way. I agree with so much of what you say sanjean and believe as you do that this behavior stems from a lack of common sense, consideration for others, understanding, caring, spiritual guidance and love. I am at the stage where now I am angry and as I would never let anyone else treat me in the manner in which my daughter is treating me, why would I let her, whom I raised with all the love that I could, was there whenever she needed me, treat me this way. I know that I have made some mistakes as a mother, who doesn't. But, they were all made because I was young and inexperienced at being a mother and because I loved them and did not want any harm to come to them. I say mothers, don't put yourselves down. You all sound like you are and were great mothers who are grieving from the lost of their children which is caused by those children you cared for. When many pray together it is very effective. I will pray for all of you and I pray that you will pray for me.
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Still, even though my email was very blunt, my husband and younger son said I was right in what I had said. I probably could have left out a few remarks that were very sarcastic though, and I'm sure that even though what I said was true that it still hurt my son. Since that time I have only text messaged my son to let him know that I love him and that he is always welcome back. He did return my text with a very short 'thanks' and that he loved me to. He's never called. We didn't see them for Thanksgiving, and only saw them a week after turkey day because my sister in law had a party for her daughter who turned 30. They came and did come in and greet my husband and I, but I know it was a charade since the whole family was basically watching. They never talked to us again that night. My husband wouldn't even stand up to hug my son, though he did embrace him somewhat. My husband also acted as if he didn't see my son's wife to avoid greeting her at all. I did however give a hug to both my son and his wife. Later we all went bowling and were on two different teams. It is a big family so we had about 10 peoples on each team. We never spoke during that time, but when we left I did say goodbye to his wife and hugged my son and told him I loved him. He has never said he is sorry to me for his outburst, and it hurts me so much. I realize now that my son was never the person I thought he was. My younger son has helped me see how selfish he always was, and that though my DIL may be evil, she just helps feed his already immature personality that doesn't seem to be able to be natural. It's as if the two of them are play acting. Everyone thinks they are so special with all the kind things they do for the family, yet who are they the least kind too, us! Their relationship is a facade. They both drink too much, and are both very much 'me' people. They don't speak about important things, and though at one time my son seemed to think family was of the greatest importance, he now seems to not care at all. I don't know if he even loves us or not. I am devastated, and every day seems like I have more weird stress and anxiety symptoms to deal with. I could never have imagined this happening in a million years. We did nothing but bend over backwards for 3 years to please his girlfriend and wife. We wanted to like her because she was so important to him. We would have done almost anything to make things work, but Hawaii was the final straw. If we didn't have my younger son with us I doubt anyone would really believe us that it could have been that bad. Without us ever saying a word to my younger son, the first night when we went out to dinner and my son and his wife split off from us we got a mouthful from the younger brother. Our son came outside by us and told angrily told us that he had never met anyone like his brother's wife. He told us she was ungrateful, and he couldn't understand how she just couldn't pretend to like us. I think I might be insane if it weren't for the fact that a 23 year old see's through her, even if my 26 year old can't. I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. I jsut want to move on and leave him behind. No child who treats his parent's this way deserves to be in their lives. Every day I say I'm moving on, but it is like slow motion and all sorts of things trigger angry emotional feelings. It is so surreal. I know I went overboard writing this message, so please forgive me. I'll take any support, advice that anyone can give. I don't know how i"m going to live out the rest of my days without him, yet I don't want him if he is going to be this cold to us. anniebal
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Comments (5)
mary helen, I am sorry. I think I was so excited to find a board like this, I read thru everything too quickly ! My mom smothered me too, and spoiled me to death,,,but not for me,but for her needs.Actually I was somewhat of a toy in my family !Both parents, were orphans, and had no idea how to parent. They were married 14 years before I came along. My mother became ill, right after my birth. I was sent to live with virtual strangers..my father's then boss and his wife. They had no children, and all they did was smoke and drink...I was so alone most of my growing up years.I saw my parents infrequently, and was always asking when I could go home. I guess,the estrangement with my daughter now, is triggering lots of unwanted memories... My daughter has behaved like your eldest daughter in the past. I feel very much the stranger,the aquaintance. I wish I understood how they can keep going without acknowledging us ? I don't know why, either, and perhaps never will,but I have a wee bit of hope that once married and settled, we can have some sort of relationship...by phone and email as she will be in Japan. I only realized that there are (at least) 2 boards like this...I have been writing sort of haphazardly to both. Do you do that too ? Love, Bea
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motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Every night before I go to bed I come to this site and gain some strength and hope from each of you. Thank you all for your comments and I too return the support and love I feel here. As my son requested I have not "bothered" him after his e-mail the other day. My other son was stunned and told me just to give him time and maybe he will turn around. I am the third person in our family he has turned against-guess I am in good company then. As you can tell I am upset with him-he is well educated and successful and should be more tolerant than this of his own flesh and blood. The remaining siblings he does talk to do not want to rock the boat and skirt any conversation about me or his other 2 brothers he has disowned. I have to let my adult children make their own decisions about this and not be judgemental-but it is hard to restrain myself sometimes-but I do. I keep it all inside except for this forum-god bless you all.
pia67
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi to all of you I've been praying for all of us too. I did get to see 2 of my grandchildren this weekend, because they were outside, I live across the street, and by the way I was here before they decided to move there, we were very close then. I too have pictures and articles all around my house, sometimes I feel it's like walking a gauntlet down my hall. I can't bring myself to pack them in a box, I have trouble looking at all the memories too, I guess it's to fresh yet, but with God's help, in time. I'll pray again tonight for us all that we find peace and somekind of closure.
gina112
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am new to this forum and have just read through all of the heartbreaking posts. I am convinced that something has happened to our society, this insane trend is spreading like a wildfire, and yet we few mothers live our lives in hidden pain and relative silence. I don't know what it is, but I do agree with other posters on this forum, that the source is pure evil. My story is way too long and complicated to put in one post, but hopefully I can tell a little more each time I write. I am a Christian mother of four adult sons. I have been going through this unique heartache for many years, with three of my four sons on and off. Son #2 started it, by not speaking to me for 3 years, then he came back, and two years later left again. He has not spoken to me now for 7 years.....I have pleaded, offered to make apologies for whatever???, asked to meet and talk, sent cards and gifts, but all I get is "I just don't like you" and "I don't have the time or the energy to deal with you." Otherwise, no contact whatsoever. Son #1 followed later and cut me off 3 years ago. This estrangement involves a nasty DIL and entitlement to money. My youngest does not like my Christian beliefs as they relate to his lifestyle. He left for 3 years, then back again for 2 years telling me how much he loved me and would never hurt me again....and now once again he left just last month and will not answer calls or emails from me. Nothing could have ever convinced me that this kind of pain would be my fate, not just with 1, but with 3 of my precious "babies." I always feared loosing my children to death, but never this kind of "death." I have prayed daily, read dozens of books, seen several counselors, gone on and off anti-depressants, and I have found only one thing has helped me...to rest daily in my trust and belief that God loves me, that He knows and cares deeply what is happening in my life and for reasons that I may never understand, He is allowing this in my life today for some GOOD. There is nothing more I know to do, I have done all that I can, but now I wait and continue to pray. God's promises are..."All things work together for GOOD to them that love the Lord" Rom. 8:28" and "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine OWN understanding; In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Prov. 3: 5-6. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. These are 3 of the many promises that I repeat over and over each day until they sink in, quiet my heart, and give me peace. I hope they will help others here also. I will write each of the stories of sons #1, #2 and #4 (#3 is the only one I have in my life). I also have two little grandchildren that I have never been allowed to see. I was able to get my hands on a photo of one, but not the other, I don't know their birthdates or anything else about them. I only wish that somehow the media would bring attention to this horrible nightmare that mothers are going through. I have found that there are many forums like this one, and so many mothers all over the country share our pain and our confusion. Maybe if we truly form some sort of alliance and all write letters to CNN, someone would cover this and give it the national attention it deserves. I am serious about this. The other thing that is personally very difficult for me is the struggle that I have to keep from isolating myself. I want to try in this new year to overcome this horrible sense of not belonging....I don't feel like a "mom" anymore, and certainly not like a "grandmother." Yet, every woman I encounter in my age group (57) is a Mom and a Grandma, and their lives center around their adult children and grandchildren. Having social interactions with them is torture, pure and simple. I can't remember the last time I have made a new friend....I don't know what to say when they ask if I have kids. I don't want to cry and I don't want to be the depressed person who has problems.....so I keep to myself and it is very lonely, indeed. I love people, but I have become a social cripple, a leper of sorts. I want to change this, I can't take the lonliness, and I pray that God gives me the strength to find a way out of this self-imposed prison. I would love to know if anyone on this forum lives near Southern California, because I really need to be around people that understand, and make some new friends. I, like many of you, have searched every inch of my heart, even begging God to reveal anything that I might be somehow forgetting or overlooking, anything that could give me a clue as to what I could have done that was so awful that I would loose my own children. I think we all probably know of women who were not exactly the greatest of mothers.....and yet they are loved and surrounded by their adult kids and grandkids!!!! It might sound crazy to say, but I would almost feel better if I knew that I had been a drunkard, or an abuser, or had somehow abandoned my children, then I would at least have a reason for this insanity. But, I was not. I was the mom who read bedtime stories, got up in the middle of the night to check them, prayed with them, told them I loved them constantly, listened to them, taught them right from wrong, always knew where they were, planned their birthday parties, helped with their school projects, listened to their problems, wiped their tears, picked up their underwear, and rooted for their homeruns. No, I'm not perfect.....but I am pretty high up on the scale of mothering. This should not have happened to me, so I know that nobody is immune and I believe it when others here say that they were good mothers....because we were!
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
dear gina112-until this happened to me last month i never dreamed it was so widespread but i can understand the public not knowing this. It feels so shameful as a mother for me and very few people know about this in my family-just my other 5 children and husbannd and my best friend-taht is it and i am not telling anyone i personally know and certainly i could never endure the public scrutiny that would certainly follow. I truly am a coward i guess. i too tried my best with my kids but i seemed to have failed my oldest somehow. when i was going to college for my social worker degree he sent me a letter-i was 37 and he was 20. in his letter he said i was a role model for him-getting my education in my mid 30s and raising children and working. now this. it is an about turn i never saw coming. when the 4 boys were under 6 years i played a game with them i made up-loving time. I would sit on the couch and say -what time is it? they would all yell -LOVING TIME- and run and jump in my arms for hugs and kisses. wow-what can i say? i am too old now-61-to play that with them but i hope they remember i love them just as much today as ever-even the estranged son. maybe he needed more love than i had to give. these memories make me cry and i cannot see to type. darn it! don't mind me i am just venting. i meant to send some words of support to gina but got wrapped up in myself-sorry gina. maybe i am not the one to reach out to you yet-this is very raw for me-very painful. i know there are some bad memories for him as he was abused by a family member and i was not able to know anything until my second son told me and then i acted immediatley. the damage was done by then and i think he blames me for not being protective of them as i should have been-if i would have known or know the signs to see. it was after that i went to be a social worker and help others taht had gone through this type of abuse but too late to help my own child. yes he has reasons to be bitter but i had asked his forgiveness 10 years ago and he seemed to have been able to do it. Anguish is ANGER-GUILT-SHAME. i feel all the above today. god bless you all
sarahsmom
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
gina112...

all sounds familiar.. I have lost 2 sons to money, DIL and entitlement..
that's why I am working on this documentary so that this awful subject might be brought to people's attention. I think it's alot deeper and more complicated than a news story.
Please look at my posts called Documentary..
I have interviewed 6 people so far and have been able to put together 37 minutes.. I am submitting it to Sundance next month in hopes of getting a grant.. I will keep you all posted.
beginnerseye
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
i feel for all of you. i wish there was something magical i could say to take away your pain and suffering away. you don't have to be mother of the year to expect consideration from your adult children. life throws you many curve balls and we all soon realize our limitations not only as parents but also as individuals. many of us here were not perfect and made a great deal of mistakes but we did the best we could and our intent was to do good.
or perhaps we were not the best parents and on some level we failed to be there for them at all times. why do our adult children fail to have some compassion? they're so willing to forgive their own faults and shortcomings and yet hold their elder parents to another standard that is unattainable. why the double standard? unless someone was guilty of actual physical, sexual or insane psychologial abuse why do our adult children feel as though they've been victimized. sadly life is not perfect everyone one of us have had to deal with unexpected hardships as we raised our children. sometimes we responded well and other times we could have, in hindsight, made other choices. the point is no one is perfect. why can't our adult children realize we were children once, we had dreams, we had parents that were also not perfect and we had to overcome many things that were unfair and yet we somehow moved forward without wasting time blaming our parents for the consequences of our choices. we realized that it's just a part of living. our adult children appear to hear the songs but not the words.
estrangedgrammie
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I would urge our new friends to try very hard not to feel shame about your estrangement. I would also urge you to talk about it to everyone you know because 1. you never know when you will find someone else who is keeping silent and would be thankful to know they are not alone and 2. as Joshua Coleman wrote in his blog estrangement is becoming a "national epidemic" - it must be talked about openly.

Years ago, if someone in a family suffered with cancer, it was kept quiet, as if cancer were a disease that would spread just by mentioning the word. Finally, people started to talk about it, which led to more research, screenings and support groups for families and patients suffering from the disease.

Estrangement is at the stage that cancer was years ago. IT MUST BE TALKED ABOUT! Parents must know there is no shame falling on them to having been cut off from their children; our children must learn of the harm they are doing to themselves and to their children by continuing their estrangement.

Sarahsmom is doing something wonderful for all of us, including our estranged children. I wish her the best of luck.
lost1of3
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
sarahsmom - How do you find your posts called documentary?
ebab4
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
sarahsmom - Thank you for creating a documentary on this subject. I too agree that it needs to be brought out in the open so that hopefully the cause for it can be found. Along with your documentary, did you ever think of contacting the Dr. Phil show regarding this subject. I watch him all the time and he and his team of professionals delveinto problems and try to find a reason and a cure for them. I am looking forward to seeing your documentary and I know that you will be blessed by God for making it. You are in my prayers. pia67- I feel so sorry for you. AsI said above, I watch the Dr. Phil show and one of the things that Dr. Phil says regarding relationships and even in his diet book is "People do what works. You will not maintain any behavior that is not providing you with some kind of payoff. I believe that our children are continuing to hold their relationship from us because in some way it is making them feel superior and in control of us. They are like bullies. They say and do all types of nasty things to us, but when you confront them, they back away and hide without any explanation for their behavior. I have decided that my life will go on without my daughter and she will not control it. I love her, and I always will, but I do not like the person that she has become. I am giving more love and attention to my other children and husband because they deserve it and I plan to find volunteer work in which I can devote my free time to helping others. Pia if you need money and are having a hard time finding a job, why don't you substitute in the schools or babysit in your home or in the homes of others. It would get you out of the house and you would make some money to help with the bills.You can believe that your children are watching and will see you becoming more independent and maybe they will become a little worried that your full attention isn't on them and then the satisfaction that they may be getting from their cruel behavior towards you will not longer be so rewarding. Make a life for you and your husband. When you see your grandchildren outside go out and pretend you are gardening. I'm sure that they will wave to you. You're children can't keep their children in the house all the time. As yousaid you lived in your house before they bought theirs. These are only suggestions. I don't know if they will work, but I feel if your children see that you can live a fulfilling life without them, they may try to find their way back into your life because - AFTER ALL YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER! God bless you pia and I only wish the best for you. gina 12 - I too feel like you regarding not wanting to talk about my separation from my daughter. My sons, husband and this forum are the only ones who know. I am embarrassed by the way my daughter is acting and I will not even talk about it to my sister or friend. She was raised in a good home, also. She was always loved and encouraged. I have no idea what is going on in her head. I think that we do not talk to others about this because we do not want to be judged. I wish only the best for you and you will be in my prayers.
sarahsmom
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
To all..
Thank you SO much for your kind words of encouragement..
I am working hard, but need to interview many more people..

Dr Coleman has said he will participate, but I have to get to CA to do it! so.. I am applying for grant money to travel.

I have been trying to contact Dr Phil and Oprah.. I have not had any luck so far.. I have his executive producer's email, but still nothing.. I am going to send a hard copy.. so I haven't given up.. however, I don't think that a one hour tv show is really the place to put this issue, but I want to find a "celebrity" champion of this cause.. ie.. It has to be someone "credible" but I am working on it!

To Lost1of3... when you go to the main parents forum page.. scroll down to the bottom and there is a search box for the forum.. you can search the word "documentary" or my user name...

If anyone is interested.. please contact me!

thanks and love to you all..
pia67
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you for your blessings and thoughts I will think about them very seriously, and your kind words of encouragement. My trouble is in moving past all this and I know your right that I need to take control of my life back. God help and bless all of us.
pamb100
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
gina112 I feel so bad for you too. Each mother that finds her way to this site just makes me feel so badly, to know there are so many of us out there. I think it does help to read the posts and to hear that the mothers on this site were good moms to their children too.

I have talked with new people about my situation and was I surprised when they also shared their stories with me. I began working last year and one brave mom when I asked her about her family shared with me that 3 of her children had been estranged from her off and on for years. I hugged her and we were immediate friends. Then another woman at another time told me her story with her daughter. Again we had an immediate connection. Hiding this or being embarrassed is not helping. While I am not ready to go on TV and discuss it, it sure helps to be able to talk to or read these posts. As bad as I feel, I am more embarrassed for my son. Our friends, our priest, everyone thought so much of him and us as a family. They are shocked and so disappointed in him. That makes me feel terrible. He was such an amazing person. I don't think I will ever really know why he has chosen this. But if he does ever return, (and I believe he will), we need to all go to counseling. I don't know that without it, I would ever be able to trust him again. And reading these posts, hearing that children have come back only to leave and do it again. Well.. I can't go through this again, not that counseling would guarantee he would be healed and it wouldn't happen again it would be better than not going I think.

Hang in there, your in good company. I believe all the moms on this site were good moms. We are all perplexed.
harmoni
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear Sarahsmom
Thank you for the courage and hard work to get this horrible epidemic out into the open. God Bless YOU! The more we can talk about it and learn...well...maybe we can find some answers.
I agree with you also estrangedgrammie - there is such a level of shame with all of this. However, I am grateful for this forum as it is easier to discuss with other moms/grandmoms that actually have experienced this horrible loss. Years ago (when it all began for us) I talked to a social worker who said..."oh give it time...kids will be kids...she'll come home when she starts missing that favourite blanket...or that special spot on the couch" ??? Fortunately now...years later I can laugh at that somewhat and think..."Holy Smokes!...if things were only that simple!!!" :)
Anyways...Good Luck Sarahsmom!!!!! You are in my prayers as you lead the way to educating everyone and helping us moms to heal. And maybe it will also hopefully be helpful to the ones who have left us behind.
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Harmoni I think you hit on the key component that is missing here-education. Only ones who have gone through this have the slightest idea what this is like. You can talk about feelings but if you have not experienced it it means nothing and that is why we need sarahsmom so badly-maybe we can help prevent one more mother or father from feeling this pain. maybe we can help open the lines of communication for other families before something like this happens. whatever it takes lets do it-lets support surveys and documentaries and each other. god bless us all
donesonmom
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sarahsmom:
Excellent idea--producing a documentary on this subject. I didn't realize until I discovered this discussion forum (yesterday) that there were so many moms with the same issue I have. I have 2 sons (30s) that have become a bigger problem for me as adults than they were as teens. The youngest son didn't surprise me with his lack of respect and disconnecting from me, but the eldest son broke my heart. It came out of left field with no warning. When your child tells you he doesn't want you in his home and he won't give you rides to your grandson's ball games, it was as if he shot me in the heart. In fact, that wouldn't have hurt as badly. I am going through the grieving process and I am in the anger stage. It feels better than the hurt and crying stage. I don't and won't accept the blame nor his disrespect.

Moms unite and make a very concerted effort to be happy without your children in your lives. You certainly must have other people and activities that make you happy--if not, get them and move on. I have told my eldest son that what goes around, comes around. He will certainly feel the pain I have endured, but I am made of much sturdier stock than him.

I see this as another of life's lessons and challenges. I have endured many heartbreaks and this is just another. We are supposed to learn valuable lessons from these tragedies.

I have always had a dog and I have come to realize I should have stuck with dogs and forgotten having children. My dog thinks I am the greatest single person in the whole world 24/7 and he's always excited to see me, even if I have been in the garage for 2 minutes. Get a nice, cuddly pet so you will feel good about who you are!
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
dear donesonmom

Yes I see you are in the anger stage-that is ok. I too am going through an estrangement that came out of left field from my oldest son. The thing i keep going over and over is what can his young children think of him never mentioning his mother or calling or visiting. they are smart children-very smart. what is he role modeling for them. do they know i love them as musch as their other grandparents. Right now I alternate between anger and sadness-a deep painful sadness. I agree we need to unite and make this more visible to the public. Maybe it is too late for us but maybe too we can help one family before it is too late for them. My other children are stunned right now at this situation and I have received a lot of support from them but he is still my oldest-my first born-my child. I will not and cannot turn against him or forget him. I may have to keep this to myself but I still have hope things will work out. take care all and god bless.
breester00
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I found this page in the midst of my tears. I thought I was alone in my grief. My story is way to long. I cant possible tell it all. I cant even talk about it without crying. I have been on a emotional roller coaster for 8 years now. I have five beautiful children 3 girls and 2 boys. I am estranged from two of my daughters for reasons I couldn't begin to understand as I see the rest of you are in the same boat. I have tried many things over these years to come to grips with my emotions and depression sets in on some days so bad I find it hard to breath. My two daughters have decided I am not good enough to be their Mother and have as much as told me so. Things was really bad for me. so much so I attempted to take my own life as I couldn't live with this pain anymore. The only thing that saved me was I had 3 other children who are also adults and a wonderful husband. They are the only light I have in my life. My two daughters came back briefly into my life. I welcomed them with open arms. The past was the past I had forgiven them and moved on. I thought we had worked through it all. Until one day about three months ago. The bridge I thought we had repaired blew up in my face once again. Now here I set crying again. Only this time My oldest daughter is no longer around to talk to. She moved with her boyfriend two states away. She does keep in touch. I am grateful she does. I wish the other two would. But I cant make them love me.. I am tired and I cant do it anymore.
I hope that one day they will change their minds or hearts or whatever it is that makes them the way they are. I can only hope I am alive to see it.
I cant say that I know what I would do . I don't even know if I want to speak to them at this point. I am so angry and hurt and I don't know which emotion is the strongest. Its to hard to try and figure out. It hurts my head!

I have a wonderful friend who tells me you can tell what kind of person someone is by the way they treat their Mother. That's so true.

My tears are the words my heart cant express.
God bless you all and I hope your stories turn out better than mine.

I don't know what the ending will turn out to be but I can only pray that its better days than today!

I hope to find peace within my own soul. as I am not sure what peace is anymore.......
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear breester

you probably have read the blogs here and know my story too. I can fully relate to you in every way. I am glad you found this too. It is just wounded hearts coming together in various stages of grief. I am glad you have the other children and a husband for support- too have other childrena and a husband and friends. I find I do not speak of this freely -none of my brothers and sisters know this or inlaws. The shame keeps this well hidden. Together we can find ways to cope and hope. take care and god bless
breester00
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear motherload

Thank you for your kind words..Yea I have read all the blogs here and each and everyone made me cry. I am grateful to find this page and hopefully find some sort of support and peace within.

I don't tend to talk about it much with my other children as I don't want to bring them down with me in my depression. I have talked about it with my Mother. Although its not much comfort she tells me She doesn't want to get involved. So basically she doesn't want to hear it. But she makes a point to tell me she invites one of my daughters to her house for holidays which I am not invited too..My sisters know the story and one of this is a great support as she has the same problems with both her daughters on again off again..Its a horrible cycle of hurt.
My husband just listens makes no opinions..My oldest daughter is my best friend through it all. Only she no longer lives close and when she calls She knows how much it hurts me that this is going on. I cant tell her the whole story of how I feel now I don't want our entire conversation to be so depressing..Its like I cant burden everyone with my emotions. I don't think anyone fully understand the deep love I have for them. They were and are the best part of who I was. Which I find that I am not the same person I once was.Someday's I wish I could just turn back the clock and do things differently. but I don't know what I would do that's so different. Its hard to figure out..
pia67
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear Friends, turning back the clock won't help they are who they are. None of us are to blame. I've once heard that you experience in the after life the pain you have put on other people, well, if this is true I feel sorry for all of them. I know we have souls because my children have hurt me to my very soul. I too have a good and loving husband, but I still would like to just disappear.
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
hi pia67-i know what you mean when you say you would like to disappear. I think it is the shame and blame we feel and just want to hide from everyone. I am talking for myself now. Breester we sound a lot alike-my oldest daughter supports me 100% and unfortuneatley she does not live close either and i also feel like i am burdening her or my husband if i try to talk about this any more than i have. It is my cross to bear and i do not want their relationship with my son to be affected-does that make any sense to anyone. i would urge everyone here to check out the new forum by Sarahsmom on front page here-i went there and signed up-strictly for estrangement issues. It already feels like home. take care all and god bless
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
http://estrangedstories.ning.com
donesonmom
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Motherlode,
Your grandchildren will eventually realize what has taken place, even though they are probably being given lies that aren't exactly in your favor. The truth always comes out, even if it takes years. Children aren't stupid. I keep wondering when my 11-yo granddaughter will start asking why grandma never goes to her brother's basketball games any longer or comes to their house--just a matter of time.

No one should be given control over your life and that is what your estranged son is doing. They know that you will dwell on your loss minute-by-minute of every day and they revel in that. I will not let my son have that kind of power. I have plenty of people in my life that do love and care for me, so don't waste all that energy with negative emotions over someone that obviously doesn't have the right time of day and isn't a very nice person. It is a grieving process, but bring all the light you can into your life and eventually this very sad and destructive estrangement will just be a bad memory. You can't make anyone like or love you, nor would you want to. Love yourself and the people that do care about you. At least we all have each other and know we are not alone.
motherlode
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My head knows you are right donesonmom but my heart is in denial right now-i think i have to let my heart catch up to my head in its own time if that makes any sense to anyone. Yes we do have each other here and so good to know I am not alone in this. thanks for listening folks-take care and god bless
yoyobon_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
It's all very complicated.
Therapy is the answer.
lexly
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am so glad I found this site, now I know I am not alone...
croftoncrab
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
There have not been a lot of additions to this posting in 2010, but when I found it it made me feel so much better. My daughter is borderline mentally ill. She does not want to have contact with my husband or me, we guess because she feels we are judging her. We truly try to not make negative comments, but we can see she feels uncomfortable around us. She sleeps until 10 am, works maybe two nights a week pouring drinks, and has painted her room dark purple. We just want to stay in touch to make sure she is okay.

When you meet her she seems beautiful and normal. She seems to change friends every few months because she has to lean on people for favors because she doesn't pay her bills. We don't feel she can organize her life to pay bills or make it to a regular job. She does not want to take medicine or see a doctor.

When I complained she didn't reply to our text for over two weeks, she told me its not that long. Now she won't reply at all. We are heartbroken. We truly have never abused her, but we probably have expected more from her in the past than she was able to give.
flowergardenmuse
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
croftoncrab,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter. Since you state that your daughter is bordeline mentally ill it sounds like she has been diagnosed. I wonder if you have heard of NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill)?

There may be a group in your area. I found it very helpful for me to meet other people with similar issues and problems with relatives with mental illness. I mention it because I do not know if you know about them and it may be of help to you to find support from other people with similar issues and problems.

It may not change your daughter, but it can be helpful to find others who can relate.

I hope this helps and I sincerely wish you the best. I know from experience that it is not easy dealing with a relative who has mental illness.
croftoncrab
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks for your advice. In the past I lived in a small town and NAMI was not available. I'm going to check out a local chapter and also see what is available online. I would like to talk with others. Thank you.
peppinrood_yahoo_com
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My 19 yr old son recently sold me out and went to live with his dad. A person who had not accepted my son or shown mych respect for since he started developing his own identity.

My ex took my daughter when she got mad at me because I caught her in bed w/her BF and alcohol and pot at age 17. She and I got into a fight and my ex husband said to let her stay with him for the wkend and she would be home by Sun. Years came and went and she is now 21. She moved out on her own for a while but he paid for her apt she shared w/her college friend. She lost her scholarship by failing ART and he made her move home again with him.

He lied to me about co parenting and it had been agreed on that she would live with me until graduation. He did not follow through and hurt me more than a person could hurt a mom by being an opportunist. He then went to Italy with some woman he must have been with during our marriage the wk after my daughter initially moved in w/him after she was busted in bed and smoking and drinking in my house. He never told me he was going until the day before and he left for 2 wks with her unsupervised.

He got married and made her a part of his new wife's wedding party and made my son his best man. Both were in bad taste IMHO.

When my son graduated from alt HS for bad grades, my ex cut off his CS the DAY he graduated leaving me with no way to pay for his food clothes and maintainence of his car. Its not like the kid had a job and I was unable to find a job despite my 24/7 efforts.

When my son saw the money dwindle, he ran to his dad and turned on me. One day I came into the room he was playing video games in at age 19 after graduation. It was my bday and he had not even mentioned it to me all day long. I got upset and he picked up his xbox and moved to his dadas house. Instead of co parenting and telling my son to fill out the job apps I gave him and to help me out once in a while amongst having respect for his mom - he said CMON move in with me your sis and my new wife.

My son who was so close to me for 19 long yrs - no longer spoke to me. He was embarrassed for having sold me out. He used to act like he hated his dad and felt unaccepted by him. He told me he would never abandon me like his sister and father did - but he had. I did anything I could to let my son know I love him. Gave him money, gas for his car, accepted his dreams and tried to help him get on the path for that, tried to help him get jobs, cared about his friends...I would text him every single day to tell him I loved him.

The boy never cut the grass nor helped me clean up. His room was a filthy dump and he would throw my cups and bowls out in the trash rather than wash them. I would complain but he would threaten to leave. He manipulated me.

Once day he told me his dad never told him he loved him. I found it odd. But I made sure I always did. I would ask him to spend time with me or try to hug him but he ended up blowing me off.

I reached out to his friends and gf when he asked me to as a mean of helpful mom support. I hugged him when he would cry. I tried my best to show how much I loved him. I gave him things I could not afford nor afford to give.

As the money ran out he talked more like his dad almost in mocking tones. His tattoos and gauged out ears he was so proud of - he started saying he was going to have it all removed because he wanted to be like his dad. I started to see him acting and talking like his dad. It was unnatural and sounded like a script - almost like he was trying on his personna as a joke. He saw the pain it caused me.

I knew that if I said one thing wrong he would leave.

Well I did. It was my bday and he was playing xbox all day. Dishes in the sink. Lawn uncut. Me giving him money for gas and food.

Forget the fact that everytime my daughter said she would come over she would either not show up or be hours late. Once here she would pick a fight over anything she could find. And then not speak to me for months on end. She did not call me mothers day christmas NYs or my bday.

I fee like a useless waste of space. Counseling helped for the hour I went. But the soft curls, the jokes, belly laughs...the days I knew these kids are all erased and painful to remember now. It feels like they have died. I had a young boy I met at his age of 16 that came into my shop. He would come by and hang out there because his own mom was having major problems. I treated like my own. He was killed at age 20, one wk b4 his 21 bday. The loss of him rocked my world. I have to say that my own bio kids not speaking to me - living with their dad and being raised by a woman who has never had kids or ever been married makes me literally sick to my stomach.

I feel like I was a useless vessel with no value or rights because I stayed at home. The economy is no help and I have no job despite over hundreds of applications I sent out.

I miss my kids and I tried so hard to be a good mom. I hate that they live with him and he loves that it pains me. He calls me the C word when I get upset and cry to him about it. He tells me to suck it up and its too Fing bad.

I feel so worthless and unloved. The loss of them is agony. AGONY. I am losing my house. I have lost my kids. I dont know that death is the worst thing that could happen to a person

I wake up every night drenched in sweat that my kids have left and stand before me screaming at me saying they have a new mom...while my ex laughs at me. I wake up and cant tell the difference between the nightmare and reality

I am so grief stricken and I reached out to my mom but she is an alcoholic who after a couple times, screamed at me to get over it and not to call unless it was good news.

I dont have anyone to turn to. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS the agony we moms go through. People expect me to forget it and move on - and I cant. Why dont they understand? WHY?

It took me four months to be able to go into my daughter's room. I cried the entire time I cleaned it out.

I have yet to open my sons room and doubt I can as I was so close to him...or so I thought. How can he simply turn off his mother like he hates me? How can he sleep?

I feel sick all of the time and I am depressed 24/7. I cant find a reason to try anymore because I dont care about myself. Seems no one else does. What is the point?

I found this haunting song by shinedown that is accurate but hard to listen to without wanting to panic and run...run to I dont know where...and some of it refers to getting high which makes it odd and is in no way applicable to my son and I...but the rest does.

SOmeone please tell me why I should hang on.. Most people have family and friends and I have tried but I am shunned.

Title: Shinedown - The Crow And The Butterfly lyrics

Artist: Shinedown Lyrics

Visitors: 2362 visitors have hited The Crow And The Butterfly Lyrics since June 03, 2010.
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I painted your room at midnight
So I know that yesterday was over
I put all your books on the top shelf
Even the one with the four-leafed clover
Man I'm getting older

I took all your pictures off the wall
And I wrapped them in a newspaper blanket
And i havent slept in what seems like a century
And now i can barely breathe

Just like the crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer sky
Cos when you and I
Were getting high as outer space
I never thought you would slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serinate me
And your alabies, they wont let me sleep
And I never heard such a haunting melody
And now it is killing me
You know I can barely breathe

Just like the crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer sky
Cos when you and I
Were getting high as outer space
I never thought that you would slip away
I guess I was just a little too late
I was just a little too late

[ mini guitar solo (= ]

Just like the crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer sky
Cos when you and I
Were getting high as outer space
I never thought you would slip away

Like the crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer sky
Because when you and I
Were getting high as outer space
I never thought you would slip away
I guess I was just a little too late
Yeah I was just a little too late
I was just a little too, a little too late
I guess I was just a little too late
sshsks_aol_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My daughters are 17 and 20. My oldest talks to me and will hang out sometimes, but there have been times when she won't speak to me, wasn't even invited to her HS graduation (her father paid for her to move out on her own at 18 because she didn't want to follow my rules)
My youngest is completely breaking my heart !! She lives with her father (very long story) after me raising her on my own for 15 years with very little involvement from her father. She won't visit me, hardly talks to me and just recently for no reason stopped even texting me. I asked why, she says simply...don't worry about it.
I WAS so close to my kids growing up, they were my world !! I was a good mom. Dad caused interference that made it hard for me to have any rules for them and they rebelled as teens. Now he (the absent one for 15 years) is the hero.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW TO STOP THE PAIN, THE TEARS, THE DEPRESSION ?? I can't continue to live in this state. My family and friends are tired of my whining and think I should "just move on" . I can't find joy, I can't stop thinking about her. I can't afford counseling. She has a better relationship with her EX step mother (also a small part of her life) then with me. I've sought comfort in friends, family, church, exercise. HOW HOW HOW HOW, DO I JUST MOVE ON ????? Any suggestions ??
carolboland51_gmail_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have 3 adult children 35, 33 and 28. My 28 year old son is wonderful and I truly treasure that.I am at a place of complete despair and brokeness over the poor treatment from my 35 yr old daughter, 33 year old son, 33 year old daughter in law and 28 year old daughter in law of complete disrespect and injustice towards me. My daughter and daughters-in-law are the worst. I am 13 years recovered alcoholic with several relapse 4 years ago with a suicide attempt due situations beyond my control. At that time I was 8 years sober. M job was cut due to economy. I ran a four star restaurant and was married to it and loved it. It replaced my emptiness from my 2 older children I started drinking when my daughter left for college and I was dealing with an abusive husband. The bioloical absent from parenting dad of my 28 year old son.My 2 oldests' dad died suddenly of a heart attack @ 33.They were 5 and 3. He was also an abusive man, having sexual relations with 2 of my sisters, but I didn't find that out until he was passed 10 years later. For some reason they felt that they should reveal this to me @ that time.Go figure that. I raised my children with love and nurturing, I was such a good loving mom that their friends wished that I could be their mom.We did fun and exploring lots together. I also have a 28 year old son, by my second marriage. He IS loving and respectful and corresponds aften and includes me in his life. I do hold on to that as a treasure.He was the one @ home during my active addiction. Funny how he is the loving child. He understands.Although I don't understand why his wife treats me extreme disrepect."Presently I am single never remarried after the divorce. I lost my home on the lake and most everything in it due the divorce resulting in a foreclosure. I also lost my last baby @ 6mo term. The beginning of the downward spiral of addiction..I could go on and on about so many things. I am a christian woman and have wonderful relationships with my church family. But this does not ease my painfrom the estrangment from my family. I am a self taught artist and do not have any commissions. I suppose due to the area I live in. I survive financially on disability which I rec'd 4 years ago due to major back surgury years ago. My 33 tr old son and his wife did visit me and are supportive of my art work and he does respond to my emails often. He is very kind to me. But just like he is with every one. He does try but doesn't want to get in the middle if his wife's disrespect and his sister poor treatment. He turns away from it leaving me to fend for myself which is worse when I speak up for myself. I make ends meet. My son went to Dartmouth, I advocated for him during school years taking him to colby collrege for classes to keep him going with his needs. He went MIT grad and now is a trader in Pa very successful, of course I am very proud of him. He is married and his wife's behavior towards me is atrocious. She is expecting my two of my new grand babies in June ~ probably won't include me very much. My 28 year old and wife ( my first)granddaughter due any day.The mom treats me with such disrespect I don't know what will happen. My 35 year old daughter is divorced. A lawyer in Pa.She went to Holy Cross and then Northwestern Law which I helped with her education to get there.I don't discuss my financial situation with them, although I think they are aware of it. But not how bad it is. They are very generous to me for a thanksgiving visit by paying for a flight there. But I don't understand why when I am there my son . But the girls are extremely disrespectful, ignoring me except to correct what I contribute or make fun of my conversation which they don't include me at all. Exception of my son, it feels like he is doing his duty, the right thing to do to invite me for a holiday. I keep the communication going as best I can. I email and call occasionally, they rarely respond.
I bake and send to them I do get a thank you by email. No hi mom, or love. If I don't contact them there is no communication.My addiction started when I lost my last child. A 6 mos term baby, with out any support from husband, When my daughter went to college I dealt with a huge separation anxiety from my loss, My self medicating with alcohol worsened as my 2 olderst went college and my husbands abuse became worse. I do not have any other family. due to death and also abuse from the sisters who have affairs with my deceased husband.My story is sooo long I am sorry to go on and on BUT i AM SO ALONE IN THIS PAIN. My many friends have no idea of how bad things are. They say, you are always so positive and happy. I was also became homeless for 2 years with no communication from my children. They were angry at me because I caused this. Little do they know my addition and consequenses were because I needed them. I don't understand their poor treatment. What happened to their compassion and the loving children that I raised. They continue to punish me for not being stronger with no understanding or interest of my present recovery or relapsed. Which is when all of this complete estrangement happened. This continues even with apologies and constant doing and doing and keeping my mouth shut over all of their treatment. I will end with saying thank you for allowing me to express this. And am happy to know that other women endure this suffering.
info_nowhere_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You all are pathetic. Me, me, I, I, me, me. Did you ever stop to think that maybe these ungrateful, hurtful estranged children of yours were injured in some way, and maybe if you weren't so selfish and self-absorbed, they might be able to stand you. Take the blame for your actions and stop whining.
angel51038_yahoo_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Autonomy is developed....and development takes growing....many adult children would rather spend their energy BLAMING their paretns rather than GROWING as an adult and productive person.

poor me-I doubt very seriously if you have ever had a child, raised him...watched him grow....supported him emotionally and financially-only to have him call you every name in the book and blame you for everything going wrong in his life.

My 24 yr old son uses every mistake I ever made against me....yet says he has "changed" so he doesn't want to discuss all the lies, ugly behavior, and name calling he was responsible for....because he is "changed".

I think the problem is this: For an adult child-no one is supposed to refer to their mistakes that occured before last Monday....
For the parent...there is no "statute of limitations:....they can blame us for anything and everything no matter how long ago it occured.

\
info_nowhere_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
@angel

"My 24 yr old son uses every mistake I ever made against me....yet says he has "changed" so he doesn't want to discuss all the lies, ugly behavior, and name calling he was responsible for....because he is "changed"."

"For an adult child-no one is supposed to refer to their mistakes that occured before last Monday.... "

Why do you feel the need to "discuss" or "refer to" your 24 year old son's mistakes in the first place? Offer your unconditional love without judgment and maybe your relationship could turn around. You are still the parent, and it's not your son's job to fix what's wrong with you any more than it's your job to point out what's wrong with him. Sounds to me like you're more interested in being right than giving love and support to your son.
Laraj_hotmail_com
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am a mother of two children, a son 25 and a daughter 19. My son estranged himself from me 5 years ago without any reason and my daughter joined him 8 months ago. Until my daughter left, she thought my son's estrangement to be destructive and hurtful for all of us as a family. But all that changed when we had an argument regarding her lifestyle choice where she was endangering her health. As she knew the hurt and grief I had experienced due to the loss of my son, she chose to do the same as punishment.
I believe when children estrange themselves from their parents without any reason and choose silence as the answer to our questions? It is a cowardly act on their behalf, and the easy way out. To discuss and resolve takes great commitment and courage from both the child and the parent in facing the problems and individual pain,but if the child is not willing, it cannot work. It is the most sadistic rejection of all. And the same can be said of parents rejecting their children. Just a sadistic cowardly act. The greatest loss of all and all so futile in this life that is so very short and fleeting.
lorrainehbarnes
11 years ago
My Son, who is in his 30's now, is distancing himself more and more as time goes on. I thought my situation was unique until I googled this site. Like so many others, I am at a loss to understand why. I was a devoted Mom. My Son would admit he is a success today thanks to my efforts on his behalf.

I feel confused and terribly sad. My heart aches. I'm grateful to have the input of others and know I am not alone.
kali969ca
11 years ago
In the end I had decent relationship with my mother, she never did tell me what I needed to hear I just learned to accept her despite the fact that she never would take responsibility (she is dead now).

I estranged myself from my mother for many years. So let me tell you this... if your child has estranged themselves from you it is because of something you've done (provided they are not suffering from a mental illness or drug addiction). It's not the girlfriend or the wife, it's you. You may think you had a good relationship with your child but he/she didn't otherwise you would not be estranged, a child does not estrange themselves from a parent they had good relationship with. If you want to repair the relationship you need to get real with yourself, you should ask your child why they have done this and whatever their reasons you should apologize (even if you think you've done nothing wrong) as the saying goes "If someone tells you you've hurt them you don't get to decide that you didn't".

This is what I always wanted to hear from my mother..."I'm sorry, I knew better but didn't do better, I am so proud of you and you deserved so much better, I was (weak, irrational, selfish...insert proper word here) and I am sorry". That's it...don't make excuses, don't defend and just apologize and if they do not accept your apology tell them the door is always open and when you do reestablish a relationship with your child, don't go back on your apology by making excuses and defending, make the apology your mantra.

I needed that time away from my mother to gain perspective I am glad we were estranged for a time, but I am also glad we reconciled because let me tell you your children are thinking about you every day.
icm5888
10 years ago
Dear Moms:

This is my story. James, now 27, my son won't talk to me. He married Erika, a beautiful Japanese girls while teaching English in Japan. She pretends she does not speak English while I know that everyone under 40 has take English lessons in Japan. While I was visiting in Kyoto during Christmas time 2011 to 2012 I gave them all my remaining trip money, dividing it up for the two of them. They took the money and got married. I was not told, not consulted, not even shared the happy news with. Just many months later a casual word...

And so it began.

Many small things happen. Bottom line is this. I am not good enough to be a Japanese mother in law. James will not have anything to do with me because they are afraid to take care of me when I am old.

I would never be a financial burden on either of them.

I would rather be alone than somewhere I am not wanted. And so I am alone.

I am widowed and all my family has passed on.

I have recently sold my place. Will rent for a while and then just move on.

My heart hurt so much that I CAN'T see James. Everything hurts I fall apart.

My only solution right now is to move. With my dog and a new puppy to another state. Someplace warmer, someplace friendlier.

Everyday I mourn my son. She has him now.

There is no room for me in their lives. Somehow I must accept this.

And in response to last person…no you are wrong! I have given everything and more to my son and his father. I even forgot who I was while my husband lay dying…the price was just too high. And my son knows it. He has abandoned me when I needed some emotional support. I was betrayed.

I will never be a "burden" to either of them. I'd rather die.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Sometimes the best family is the one you pick for yourself. Be open to new friends, and choose people who resonate best with you. Don't dwell on your son, he has made his decision and may regret it one day but that's _his_ loss. Leave your estate to someone or some organisation that will appreciate it. Good luck with your life!
billacooper
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I feel everyone's
pain, having 2 of my 3 daughters estranged (aged 36 and 34). I too loved,
helped and sacrificed for all three. I have judged my daughters as
selfish, entitled ingrates and viewed myself as a good mother who has been
treated utterly unjustly by them. I now believe I've been going at it all wrong.

I read these thought-provoking
comments on a similar gardenweb forum (money-and-estranged-adult-children) by
"cjh design": "It's very simple: People, including
your adult children, gravitate towards pleasure and away from pain. If
your adult children are avoiding you, staying away from you, it is because you
are causing them some pain. If you were a pleasure to be around, they
would be around you. To resolve the problem you have to acknowledge what you are doing that
causes them pain and stop doing that."

Those
words stung a bit at first. But it's so
clear now. Who wants to be around people that make us feel bad or whose
company we simply don't enjoy? We may think our estranged kids are just being
plain horrible, but their reasons for staying away are valid to
themselves. We need to really hear things from their perspective and humbly
make necessary adjustments and genuine apologies accordingly (and hope they're willing to do the
same). kali969ca's comments a few posts up about how to apologize are very helpful in this regard. If it turns out that their "reasons" in actuality have absolutely
zero validity and they really are unmitigated a-holes (possible but not probable), maybe moving on and pretending that
we are childless is the only option.

I have one daughter left who is not
estranged. I've decided to try to preserve the relationship by focusing
on being more pleasant and fun (not just with her but with everyone) instead of how hurt I
feel that she hasn't shown more appreciation for all that I've done for her. The way I've been up to now hasn't worked for me at all.
Time for a paradigm shift. Good luck, healing and blessings to everyone.
lizziendfw
10 years ago
my sons have done the same to me.. my youngest (24) and his wife (25) are having their 4th child. yeap, youngest lived with his dad and dad let this happen when he was 17. They would use the grandkids as leverage to scam money out of me. no thank you, no mothers day, no birthdays, or xmas from them, EVER! yet I kept sending them money when they needed. Then my daughter n law lied , again, about mailing xmas gift to me from my grandsons. that didn;t happen and I still have her text. My oldest son, 25, lied and scammed me out of a great car, my deal with him was, he stays in college, i'll keep him in a car. Minute he got the car, drove back up to Denver, he stopped going to school. I also cosigned a $10K loan, we know where that is going. So , he got a DUI, lost his job, and asked to move back in. OK. I had a contract signed with him he will do the chores as stated, and pay his bills. I helped him get a great paying job, then as soon as he started to accrue money, he started drinking heavily. One night, 4 rolls of toilet paper went missing, house reeked of alcohol. I tried to wake him up asking him what happened and if he flushed 4 rolls of toilet paper in one night (want to avoid any sewer backup) , what did he do? got out of bed, choked me in the throat and shoved me. I called 911 , had the police kick him out of house, he is paying a citation for domestic abuse. As a mother, I worked hard raising my sons, while their alcoholic father walk out on us, I managed to take care of the house, bills, and 2 kids. Then this is what i get in return? They can cut me off, I am done with the tears, anger, helplessness, beating myself up. I did my best, whatever their issues are with me, they will have to deal with it. I will not lift a finger for my sons, ever. They have to know that you can not abuse or scam anyone! Especially ones who are helping you. I am letting go and moving on. Still love my sons, but tired of their disrespectful attitude towards me.
skorpionngal
10 years ago
With mother's day coming up, I once again attempted to contact my daughter-no response. It's been about a year since we last had contact. Weirdly, I had no idea this estrangement was coming. One day we're talking OK, next we're not. How can I change/remedy/rectify anything, if I don't know what "it" is? I can accept a differing view, but to cut someone off without an explanation is mindblowing! I certainly didn't raise her (now 24) this way, so I have to believe outside influences have altered her perceptions. The "mellenial" generation has indeed been overindulged to such a pont, that a complete disconnect has transpired. Not to say I'm perfect, but who the heck is-parenting can be a challenge, no matter the age, economic circumstances, or marital status. I honestly believe our kid(s) don't view us as human, and think we should be infallible. If not, we're damned and that's the end of it. Some sort of twisted view of reality that damages an entire generation. We all suffer as a result. My fault, it appears, was being human.
broken
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It's been close to 4 years from where this all started. The disrespect from my grown son escalated to the point where I told him to leave. His anger was out of control. My ex and I were separated due to his extra marital affairs. I felt I had to jolt him back to reality but instead he went to live with his father which made things worse. I kept the doors open, texting him often, telling him I love him and telling him that I didn't want this to be a permanent thing but his anger towards me got worse. Lashed out at me towards household things that "belonged to his father". Screamed and cursed at me. Many remarks about "this is my fathers house". Telling me that I was the reason for his anger. And with each explosion, I still kept the doors open. The final straw for me was a text that he sent me saying that "im sorry that you damaged me but I will no longer be controlled and manipulated". Those words cut me so deep. I still can't get past it. I was the mother who went to extremes to make sure my kids were never damaged emotionally. The mother who wanted my kids to always see both parents sitting in the stands at their games to have that memory forever, not knowing that I made their father go to the game. The mother who protected them from knowing of their fathers first affair because I thought it was a mistake and these kids shouldn't lose respect for their dad or look at him badly. I wanted them to be proud of their parents. I would have stayed in a loveless marriage so they would always feel safe and always feel like they had a home base. And he says those words to me? I damaged him. At that point I wasn't taking anymore. All communication stopped. I thought he's not hearing from me now he will realized what he has said and done and I thought the lightbulb will go on and then he will come back and tell me he is so sorrry for that and all the undeserved disrespect. One month later I get a happy birthday text. I dont respond. The next month Merry Christmas. Again I dont respond. The remorse and apology never comes. Eventually the pleasantry text continue for both of us. Only holidays. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday but nothing on Mothers Day. Obviously, everyone on this post understands that hurt. The day to celebrate the person who raised you, loved you, took care of you, gave you a good life and I get nothing. That's a hurt beyond words. This is the son that I was so close to. Always close to. Never could have imagined this happening. I miss my son but I feel like he needs to come back to me. I can forgive him but I can't forgive if hes not sorry and if he thinks what he did was acceptable. I won't allow him to treat me that way. At this point I feel like this is the way it is and the way it will be and I will never stop loving him in my heart and will never stop hurting in my heart.
colleenoz
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sorry, but I think you really should have responded, even in a neutral way to the texts. He was reaching out to you, and opening the doors to communication may have started a conversation which resulted in an apology.
Jacki Johnston
9 years ago
I'm glad I'm not "Alone" I have 2 boys 34 and 33, the oldest seems to have drifted and we only live an hr apart, give and take traffic... He and his family live with the mother in-law and I understand that they all live together... There is nothing wrong with the mother in-law as far as physical. My son and his wife had bought a house and I'm not real sure why they sold it and moved with the mother in-law.... Now, they have a son together and (4yrs old) I have never once watched him (never been asked) either. I have 4 other grandchildren I do get to watch.. my daughter in-law gives me fake hugs when we do see each other and I watch my grandson shift his eyes to me and his mom hesitating to say Hi to to me..... I have tried to talk to my son about this and he gets all offensive and does not see things the way I see it,I'm just crazy ... I see things on FB that his son will buy flowers for his grandma he lives with for VDay and for grandparents day.... or I'll see all of them on outings on the weekend, but I'm never asked....

I have to say "Oh Well" I still have 4 other grandchildren that know and love me.. and my other son which is 33 and my daughter 25.

Heart still hurts, but must go on....
broken
9 years ago
Hi colleenoz, only a few texts went unanswered by me. I couldn't let his birthday go without wishing him a happy birthday. The ritual of holiday texts continued. I recently contacted him for his latest birthday and asked him if he wanted to fix this relationship to reach back. He messaged me and said he would like to catch up and i replied that I would too and to let me know when. That was 2 months ago. I have not heard back.

mothers estranged from adult children

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