I've had a couple issues there myself. I guess there are some issues with how they came across because I did spend some time crying about it off and on. I thought, kind of like Lisa, that I was being too sensitive. Now, with all the different opinions, it definitely seems they have some problems with how they communicate to their members. I still think their hearts are in the right place, but they should work with how they communicate what they need to, or basically, they need to work on how they come across to others. Cody used the word "reprimand" which is very much how they come off. Anyways, Lisa, I'm glad you've successfully completed so many "trades" there as they call them. I've been trading there for over a year and haven't done near that many! There are some great members there as you get to know the individuals. I'm glad I blew off the issues there to be able to get to know some of the great gardeners/people in the group. Blessings, Angela

Is she your only child? First, take a deep breath & realize that she is 18... immature and like a lot of young people, feels ENTITLED. I used to think it was the parenting that created thsse entitled children but the more kids I see out there, having an attitude of "deserving" what parents had to work hard for... I am beginning to think it is a societal epidemic. (not to say parenting did not contribute to it, but let's be honest.... how many of us would have gotten spanked or worse if we did some of the things kids today get away with? I would never have talked back to my parents... not so much for fear of being beaten but becasue I knew it was WRONG. Of course, I never tried it so can't say with 100% accuracy if they wouldn't have spanked me. I never wanted to find out. Kids today push the envelope & have been told how to report it to the police or CPS if they are ever put in fear of bodily harm.) Anyway, one solution is to stop buying her groceries. I may be too blunt here, but if you tolerate a half hour of her demeaning you and telling you what an idiot you are, then I would have to say that she may be right about one thing, that you are somewhat to blame for what's gone wrong in her life. Now, before you take that the wrong way, let me explain what I mean. Sometimes, we as parents want more for our children than we had...we want them to suffer less, have more, do better in life. In the process, we "protect" them from failure and disappointment which is something they MUST experience to appreciate achievement, which is what makes them feel good about themselves. Society has stepped in and in some ways, taken that away from children by giving every kid on a team a trophy or not keeping score because the losers might feel bad about losing. I hear people say that young people shouldn't have to work full time AND go to school/college and that education is more important than work experience. Of course, I disagree but that's another subject for another day. My point is, if you are providing food, paying all the bills & tolerating her barage of insults... then THAT might be part of the problem. Stop providing them.. give her nothing. Hand her a bill for her half of the bills that she uses... utilities, cable, phone, etc. Calmly tell her that if she wants to be treated like an adult, the first thing she needs to do is start behaving like an adult and that means to provide for herself. That's a tough stance to take and in most cases with an 18 year old, I wouldn't suggest being so harsh but any 18 year old that feels it's okay to treat her mother (that is still supporting her) like that... well, it tends to make me believe she has treated you poorly for a long time and you accepted it for whatever reason. She wouldn't treat you this way if you don't tolerate it. If you are being abused (and verbal abuse is still abuse) and you live there & work there, you can get her out by filing a restraining order to have her removed. That is a bit extreme but if you leave, she will not pay the bills and the house will be lost. If she leaves (even through a restraining order) and is half owner of the house, you can refinance and buy her out of her half. Before you do something like that, check with the laws in your state or consult an attorney. That's just my opinion based on the info available.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. We butted heads quite a bit with our daughter when she was 17 and 18, and she did think seriously about leaving home. I can't identify with all the problems you're having with her, but I can with some of them. I know it is a difficult time for you and your wife. I think it's hard to know how to give help unless we know why she's moved away from home and making the choices she's making. Do you know if it's a boyfriend issue, are alcohol or drugs involved? I think a lot of young people get derailed their first year of college. Most of my friends have college kids and my kids are in college. Here are my gut feelings, which could very well be wrong. First of all, if your daughter graduated number 3 in her class with a full ride scholarship, then just the difficulty of chemistry alone shouldn't have derailed her. In my experience, what usually happens is that the students who fare poorly don't go to class and don't do their work. Most college professors have office hours and possibly TA's with office hours, and many universities have free tutoring available. You'd think that intelligent young people who mess up their first year in college would straighten up, learn their lesson and get their work done. But it doesn't always work that way. Many of the young people I know who had problems went through all K-12 years of school never having to study. Some of them adjust and some drop out. It's really tough on their ego to go from having everything come so easily to having to study hard and get tutoring help. Your requirements for your daughter living at home are very reasonable. Again, I know students who give their parents flack about that kind of thing, but you're not asking for anything out of line at all. Re the part about the hydroplaning and the cell phones, I'd let that go. If she was getting straight A's and doing outstanding in school, you'd probably let it go. The problem of moving out and living with the other family is much worse. I do know other families who have had problems similar to yours, and at one time I was holding my breath afraid we'd be in your shoes. As parents of young adults, I and most of my friends try to walk a line between letting them make their mistakes and heading off any major disaster that would absolutely ruin our young adult's life. So you can't really drag her back home. If this was my daughter, I'd consider paying the cell phone. As long as she has a cell phone that you're paying for, you know she can call you in case of an emergency. I'd rather pay the bill and know my daughter can always call me. I'd also keep my daughter on my health insurance and if she needed birth control I'd pay for that. If I owned the title to her car I'd either pay the car insurance or take the car back. For everything else I'd just step back and let her pay her own way. I'd also let her know that I love her very much, and that if she wants to come back home and get help with paying for school, the door is open. Then I'd let her live her life and make her mistakes. Sounds like she's going to have to learn some things the hard way. All of this is assuming she doesn't have problems with drugs or alcohol. I know several young people who have done seemingly jaw-dropping, crazy things like your daughter. They just have to grow up; their parents can't magically fix it. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Hopefully you've raised her well and she'll circle back around to be the responsible young woman you've raised her to be. A dear friend of mine's daughter moved out a couple of years ago. During her first semester of college she met a guy, dropped out, went to live in a situation somewhat like you're describing. She's just now getting her life straightened out and moving back in with her parents. My last suggestion is this, and it's probably the most important one. Once a week, if your daughter will let you, take her out to dinner or to lunch. Mentally declare to yourself that during that time you won't discuss anything negative or ask her any questions. Let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Don't give advice or suggestions, just listen or keep to general chit chat. If it will help, let her know that's what you're going to do. Make sure you keep that connection open to her. During that lunch or dinner time don't ask her to come home or ask her how her grades are. When she leaves, tell her that you love her. Something's up with your daughter, and there's really no way for you to know what's going on for sure. She's 18 years old and she can walk away at any time. So keep a connection. If it turns out to be something like drugs or alcohol, you can intervene and get her some help. If she's just an 18 year old who has gone a little crazy and wants her independence, she'll just have to learn the hard way that independence isn't all it's cracked up to be. If she's abusing substances, then she probably hasn't done anything that can't be fixed. A lot of good parents go though what you're going through. Keep your marriage strong and step back and let your little girl fall on her face. That's my advice. You're not alone, and it does get easier. It's a shock when it first happens.

Hey Struggling -- A lot of what you've written could have been written by my DH, since it's an issue we struggle with a bit too. In our case, my son is 15, and is by nature a moody, semi-sullen sort of kid. He was simply born that way. Our son together is like my husband, and was simply born happy and eager to please. Two totally different personalities that require two different parenting approaches. When older son gets mouthy with me, I simply say (for mild cases) "That didn't come out right -- please try it again." (then WAIT until he does it) or for more extreme cases "No sir! Please try saying that again with an appropriate tone." -- and he complies. He knows that his opinions are welcomed (or at least tolerated), but that his tone of voice must be civil. (He refused to restate politely once, and it cost him his computer monitor for two days. Didn't happen again.) DH, on the other hand, launches into a lecture. You may know that one?... You certainly know the response it gets, because you described it perfectly. My son Can't Stand the lectures and does do the full eye-roll thing. He's not ignoring it -- he's beyond that and is *actively* tuning it out. But DH, wonderful as he is, simply doesn't get it. So he lectures longer, louder, and with increasing hostility. That tactic doesn't work on that child. I'm guessing it doesn't work on your SD either. So try a different tactic. And for what it's worth, I think your wife has a point about treating the SKids with respect so you can demand the same in return. In fact, it might be worth phrasing it exactly that same way -- "I'll treat you with respect if you'll do the same for me." -- then do it.