Missing her...

19 years ago

My mother passed away suddenly on May 28th 2006. She was only 46 years old. I know it sounds unreal but we really were best friends. We talked on the phone everyday at least twice. I have a daughter who was almost 2 at the time, she was my mother's life. I had never seen her happier than when she was around her. She came with my husband and I to almost every Dr's appt when I was pregnant, she was there when she was born and I miss her terribly. I was so angry for the longest time but now I just push it away. I dont talk about her, I dont have even one picture of her on display in my house. I feel like I should be moving on but I just can't. My life has forever changed and I dont like the person I have become. I am snappy and bitter to my husband and daughter. I rarely leave the house. I just feel lost. I know I should talk to my husband or someone about my feelings but I just can't. I feel alone, even though my other 3 sisters are going through the same thing. I am going to make an appt to talk to someone but I just feel so stupid. I dont know why but I do.

It makes me so sad to see my daughter with my husbands mother, I am so jealous. I dont think she even remembers her. I know Rylee would have been so much better to have been able to learn from her grandma and now she cant. It's just so unfair that she doesnt get to know someone who is so special to me and who loved her sooo much!

Anyway, I just felt I needed to vent a little and join this forum so that I could talk to other people... outside of my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Sarah

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Comments (5)

alisande
19 years ago
Hi Sarah,

Your mother was young. Having such a close relationship with you and your daughter made her very happy, I'm sure. I'm also sure that she isn't far away. It's understandable that you are in a lot of emotional pain right now, but I think she's hoping you'll start to feel better soon. She wants you to have a good life.

Have you dreamt about your mother, or felt her presence during the day? You can talk to her, you know, or write to her, perhaps in a journal.

Did you remove your mother's pictures from the house because you thought it was a good idea, or because it was too painful to look at them? I lost my daughter Gillian five years ago--also on May 28--and I love seeing her face in just about every room in this house. If you can do it, I think you should display the pictures for your daughter to see. When you're ready, you can talk to her about the grandmother who loved her so much and was there for her birth.

It's a good idea to make that appointment. "Stupid" has no place in this situation, and a counselor will know that.

Let us know how you're doing.

Susan
sarahj_322
Original Author
19 years ago
I dont have pictures of her around because it is still too hard for me. I want to put them up so I can talk to my daughter about her but I'm just not ready.
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sarahj_322
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you Susan. I appreciate your response. This is the first time in a long time I have talked about my mother and it feels good. It's still hard but I think this is a step in the right direction.
sandyl36
19 years ago
Hi Sarah
I am so sorry for your loss, and understand how you feel. I just lost my mom unexpectedly on January 10, 2007. I also considered my mom my very best friend, I spent every free moment I had with her. I think I am still in shock, but I understand the feelings you are having. Sometimes I feel angry and other times I am just so overwhelmed with pain. I also feel jealousy towards my husband and his mother. I know things will eventually get easier, just take one day at a time and remember all the good things. Also, I dont know if you have tried this or not, but I talk to my mom all the time it makes me feel close to her. Good luck to you. Sandy
asencion
19 years ago
Sarah, it is normal what you are feeling! You are angry at the world and I am sure you even have lost faith from the Man upstairs. I too lost my mother a couple of years ago and I was so close to her. I guess you can say I was mama's boy and she spoiled me rotten. She was 60 years old when she passed. I miss her so much too. I was 41 years old when my mom passed and I would still lay next to her in bed and she would put me to sleep by playing with my hair and rubbing my ears. I have no regrets, because she knew how much I loved her. I have set up a shrine with my mom's picture and surrounded her with Angels. I lost my 20 year old son 2 1/2 months ago and now my pain has shifted to him. I ask my mom for forgivness, because I feel like I am neglecting her when I go to the cemetary. Sarah there is a reason for all we are going through and I don't know what it is. But you hang in there and make the best of life with you husband and child. Learn to love your mother-in-law, she will not replace your mother, but sometimes a hug will help. Take care Sarah! Ascencion