I miss my mom...
I'm 21 and i'll be 22 on tuesday. My mom died on april 18 this year of a very strange cancer which was never really clear to any doctor. My dad's a doctor, my brother's a doctor, my mom was a doctor and i study medicine, most of my uncles are doctors too, and even so, she died so fast and it was impossible to anyone to do something.
Anyways, my birthday is on tuesday and she used to do something special for me every year. I really miss her and i feel like no one understands me. My new boyfriend is a charm and he's always so sweet, but he doesn't seem to get that i'm gonna be depressed for a long time and he feels useless that he can't make me happy, so i have to cope with him being frustrated because of me, my dad who can't overcome the fact that his wife died and my brother fighting with him all the time.
I feel i've lost my entire family when i lost my mom. I feel i need her more than any other time in my life and i would really love to talk her so she could tell me to ease off and send everyone to f**k off as she always used to.
She was such a cool mom, she was my best friend. She would teach me so much weird and random stuff, tell me funny stories from her childhood and youth in Ukraine, she talked with me everytime i had a problem and she would really make me forget and be cool about it, she saved me everytime i neede something, from a towel in the bathroom to an improvised costume 5 minutes before a party that she would make me after my clothes and some thread and pieces of fabric. I even miss fighting with her, when our voices would be so loud only dogs could hear us and after that she would approach me, hug me and tell me she was right and she had won and we would both laugh at it.
I don't really know how i'm gonna carry on without her, she was the only person i could really count on always, any time, every day. We were a team and now she's gone. I love her so bad and i don't really know if she ever knew how much, even if i always tried to show her. She was so depressed before she died, was not herself and you could see the pain in her eyes, she loved to live, she loved us, her garden, her cats and dogs, she was such a passionate person in everything she did. She just didn't deserve to miss her daughter's graduation from med school, wedding and kids. She even told me that she was sorry she was leaving me without a mom and that it was the most painful thing about her death, and she also apologized that she thought she wasn't the best mom to me. Can you believe it? She was dying and all she could care about was that she was leaving me alone and that she didn't know if she had done a good job being a mom.
She was the best mom i could have asked for!!!!!!!