I think there is no reasonable with this woman, honestly.
Think the police officer was out of line but I suspect she had him conned with a sob story.

I'd be all for her takingit to court to get settled! Even the three times a day seems excessive but that's the precedent thats been set so far. A cell phone at that age is ridiculous! Why not just put a tether on the poor kid-good grief! I feel sorry for you having to deal with this crap all the time.
~Cat

I honestly wouldn't mind if the times for phone calls were spelled out, either, Cat! Everything else in the plan is spelled out to the T and that has been SO nice for us. There is no more arguing about pick-up/drop-off time, or who gets him for Christmas Eve, or what time on Turkey Day does the switch occur, etc. It's all spelled out!

Thank you :) It actually has been VERY calm the last few months. This was the first blow up that happened in a long time and if it weren't for the police calling, I don't think it would have irritated DH and I half as much. DH claims BM has been b*tching about this to him for weeks now, and he hasn't told me, which I appreciate. The phone call from the cop was the straw today, though.

I do agree BM gave him some kind of sob story, too. My experience with police, too, has been that they are mainly to diffuse situations and keep things from escalating.

I was accused of "limiting contact" ... until hubby showed the phone records of how many times and how many hours per day (least amount was 3 hours ... most was 10 hours) were spent on phone call to and from mom to SD.

Let her flip ... let her show up at your home and have her dumb a$$ arrested for violating a RO ... and remind the judge she is not allowed any contact with you and when SS is with you no contact means no contact.

It was not a police matter. DH time with his son is by court order, if nothing at this time is in the order of the going back and forth on phone, then she can take it to a judge via her lawyer. Called the police cause she could not call her son 24/7? (Rolls eyes)

In fact she can call, she has DH number and she can call and speak or voicemail anything in the form of emergency/necessity, blah blah.

She can't contact you via the homephone or your cell, she misbehaved and RO caused her to lose any chance of that. Husband has to work for a living, not his fault she can't contact SS. Crappy as it sounds, once again Bm's own actions put her into this spot.

I highly doubt a judge will rule you/DH must allow SS to have a cell so mommy can call him 24/7 while he is on daddy time. Sure, the 'good morning', the 'good night' quick calls are totally reasonable and enjoyable by both BM and DH.

Unless there is an emergency (which in that case BM can contact the cell of DH) there is no need while on DH's time to have to speak to child more than a time or two a day. On the other hand, if child asks to call his BM I would not see declining his request. Is SS wanting to talk to his mom more than BM is actually able to make contact presently?

At some point one might wonder how much BM really has a need/desire to actually chat with SS and how much she does it just to interfer with Dh's time and force her presence into his time.

My grandson8 does have a cell, sometimes he rings it to dad's and sometimes he does not. His BM runs in spurts with calling. Sometimes several times a day and sometimes only to say 'good night' and sometimes she does not call for a day at all. At anytime, GS8 can and does call his mom from either the landline, any cell of the adult he's presently with at the given desire to call.

You might try a family plan with SS on it and limit when and/or if he carries the cell. He'd have his own number and you can make it so he can only call say you, Dh, and BM. If Dh decides on such thing, I'd set ground rules. BM does not need to call the child 24/7 and if she is allowed to you can pretty much believe she will call any and every time she thinks the two or three of you are doing events, special outings and the whatnot. No need for that, this is DH's time, not hers.

BM certainly likes to keep drama going in your household.May I ask what BM does when SS is in school from 8 to 3 Monday to Friday (or whatever the actual schedule)? How does she get thru the day then? Bet school does not allow mommy calls all day just to say 'hi'.

I had to have it spelled out in my order with my son's father. They would simply not take my calls when he was there and ALWAYS had an excuse. The judge said three times a week for 15 minutes each time. The order stated ~Monday, Wednesday & Friday from 6pm-6:15pm, he was to have him available for me to call. I think the courts look at 'reasonable contact' as you are not denying SS the ability to keep in touch with his mom when he's with you or vice versa. One call a day is more than reasonable for a child his age. As he gets older, he will want more or less contact with his parents depending on 'his' social life. A police officer's opinion is meaningless, unless the court is asking it. I had the police do a welfare check on my grandson a couple of weeks ago after my daughter visited my DIL and saw her house was a pigsty. The officer called me back and told me that CPS destroys families and acted like I should back off DIL because she is a young mother. I did not ask him to get CPS involved, just check that my grandson was in reasonably clean place and had food, diapers, etc. Whatever HE saw may have caused him to mention CPS to me but his opinion that they ruin families is not relevant. In my opinion, they are supposed to protect children. At least when I went to her house a couple of days later, it was pretty spotless.

As long as DH is allowing his son to talk to his mom once a day.. or a few times a week, that's reasonable to most people. The courts don't generally care how BM or DH "feel" about it. The courts care about THE CHILD'S right to have contact with both parents. (and he's way too young to have a cell phone!)

"I think there is no reasonable with this woman, honestly.
Think the police officer was out of line but I suspect she had him conned with a sob story. "

I agree completely. The cop believed BM's sob story and was simply trying to keep the peace with the only party left to negotiate with.

LET BM take this nonsense to court. And in the meantime, keep track of when she does call (or will DH"s cell phone bill do this for you?) and be prepared with a proposal that you think is fair. (IMO, offering to have SS available in case BM calls between 6:00 and 8:00 each evening would be a very reasonable and generous offer. And in the event that your family has something specific planned that would interfere with the 6-8:00 routine, stipulate that you will have SS call BM instead.)

Any reasonable judge would agree that requiring you to be available by phone at ALL times is ridiculous, but that 'reasonable contact' is a good thing. And once you clarify how much better the situation has become once things were spelled out... I just can't see things going against you.

once a day is reasonable, more than that is not reasonable and no judge would demand that,

on the other hand one SM complained here that dad wants to call several time a day as well as put SM on the phone (to check if kids do their homework while at moms)-mom has custody. everyone here said that dad and SM should be allowed more than phone call a day unlimited.

i was the only one who said 1 call is enough, no matter mom or dad. i wonder what people say now, when it is BM 1 call is enough and when dad then it should be unlimited. hope people won't use double standard again

sorry i got new laptop and feel weird typing with no mouse, got used to PC

"On the other hand, if child asks to call his BM I would not see declining his request. Is SS wanting to talk to his mom more than BM is actually able to make contact presently?"

Not at all. I honestly cannot even recall a time when SS has EVER asked to call his mom. And when SHE calls, most often the calls on SHORT on his end because he is a) not a big phone talker and b) usually doing something and wants to get off the phone.

DH tries to make the bedtime phone call be around 7 pm BEFORE actual bedtime. It used to be right when SS went to bed and then it turned into this thing where SS would lie in bed, BM would read him a story on the phone, say prayers with him, etc. Basically, it was BM doing the bedtime tucking in ritual on DH's time. Finally, DH got sick of it and said to himself "this is MY time to be with my son" and he pushed the bedtime call up to earlier. So now DH is the one that reads to him, etc.

BM is just soooo intrusive with her calls, I cannot even explain it enough. When she used to have my number, and it was a Sat. when I had SS with me, she would call ME literally 4-5 times a day. Sometimes she would want to talk to SS, sometimes just to check on him. AUUGHHHH. If I didn't answer, she'd call back ten mins later, and ten mins later, ETC. You get the picture.

She would also call me around 3:15 to "see if I was on time to get SS from school." Then she'd ask me to have him call her when I picked him up. ETC.

It really is NOT about her needing/wanting to talk to SS, it's about control on her part.

It just chaps my @$$ because DH always accomodates BM with talking to SS. There has probably NEVER been a time when DH didn't have SS call his mom at night to say goodnight. DH will always accomodate and work around our schedule--for example, if we have evening plans and know we won't be available, DH will give SS the cell and say "here, call your mom to say goodnight now because we are going to be at the party or in the movie later" etc.

Also---DH GAVE BM an extra night over the weekend because BM wanted SS to be able to attend his stepsister's 12th bday party. DH didn't insist on switchign nights, he just FREELY GAVE her that extra night---because SS wanted to go. And the NEXT DAY this is how BM repays him.

UGHHHH.

document how often she calls and what she talks about, in case she addresses it in court, you will be ready to show that it is excessive

When DH and I were first living together, I would go pick SD up from school on his weeks and keep her until he got home from work. BM didn't like that she was spending time alone with me and would call DH to remind him and make sure I am getting her on time, etc. She wanted to run the show when SD was with us. She also complained about not being able to call SD because DH gets home and we are busy with dinner & getting ready for the next day & bedtime. So, I would pick her up and hand her the phone & have her call her mom to tell her how her day was.

By having the child call their parent, you are putting the control back in your own hands as YOU decide when the call takes place... it can't interfere with your plans and BM can't argue that she isn't getting contact with her child. My SD's mom would not answer her phone so I would make sure SD left a message & would have her try again later. BM would try to call back later (after SD's bedtime) and expect us to get SD up to talk... DH told her NO, answer your phone during the day when SD calls you. (at the time, she was not working so there was no reason for her to not answer her phone) It was the same "control" issue. She wanted to control the situation and when she went to court to say she never got her calls, we had phone records to show SD called her many times and it proved that BM never answers her phone.

See, the problem is---I CANNOT have SS call BM from my cell phone because of the RO. If I were to let him do that, then BM could turn around and say "well, look at my phone records, look at all these calls from Love's phone, Love obviously does not feel her order is worth enforcing." KWIM? Doing so would NEGATE the protective order that I take very seriously.

Therein lies the problem.

My order is up for renewal in April and I am unsure as to ask to renew it or not. Part of me thinks I will look silly doing so, as BM will be about 8 months pregnant. If she were to go into court and protest, I would look very silly saying I feel threatened by a big old pregnant woman....would I not? I don't know?

Anyway, Ima, that is too funny about how SD's BM wouldn't answer. BM does that ALL the time. Just this morning---DH went into work around 10 AM; he was playing Wii with the kids from about 8 AM until then, and he had SS call his mom FOUR TIMES in those two hours. Finally, right as DH was about to walk out the door, BM called back. It's like "if you want to talk to your child SO BADLY, then take his call the first time!" It's not like she wasn't awake---she has a 2 year old, so I am sure she's up early! And it's also not like she is at work or something.

Can you add a line to your plan for $10 a month and use that phone to have SS call his mom? You can set most phones to be private so she can't get the number and call back. If she doesn't answer her phone, too bad... so sad!!! Your DH should give her a chance or two by telling her.. "DS called you when it was convenient for HIS schedule and if you aren't going to answer your phone, you can talk to him the next time he calls.. I suggest you answer your phone or set up a specific time to take his calls." and your DH NEEDS to train her that this is how it is.... just curious, did he let him talk when she called back this morning??? My guess is that he did and THAT is why she keeps doing that, because SHE knows HE will allow it.

Love,
What if you just didn't answer her constant calls? I can see once or twice a day, but the constant calling to me seems harassing.

"My guess is that he did and THAT is why she keeps doing that, because SHE knows HE will allow it."

Yup!

~Cat

Yep. As usual, it has to do with DH not agreeing on something and sticking to his guns.

When things blew up in April, DH was GREAT (at first) about having one phone call per day. He told BM "tough" if that wasn't enough and he was really firm about NOT taking any other calls from her during the day.

But as is always the case, HE backslided/relented. He ALWAYS does with her. It honestly boggles my mind. I truly don't know WHAT she would have to do for him to be DONE with her. I know she will always be around b/c she is SS's mother, but DH has SO much contact with her that is NOT necessary. She'll call him to ask directions for this or that-and he gives them to her!

Whatever. I cannot control my DH. I've washed my hands of that.

But it is what's causing issues now...little by little, DH has given BM more leeway, and now she is back to *expecting* the multiple calls a day.

Ugh, I could not deal with that..Washing your hands of the whole issue would seem a good idea. If HE wants to deal with the phone call situation fine, I wouldn't answer calls from her period..

~Cat

DH should give her a chance to talk to SS once a day, if she calls more he does not have to pick up the phone. SS does not have to have a phone, he is too young. I suggest there is a phone number that she could call like home line or so that could be answered but once a day or even DH's cell phone, but more than once a day, turn the phones off. no she does not have to have your cell phone #, it is private, even if people get along. I always had ex's home line and his cell phone and his work phone numbers. i was given SM's cell # for emergency but I never used it.

I didn't go through all the responses Love, but once a day is reasonable. Any more, unless there is a special occurrence or circumstance, is overkill.

Our court order, done when SD was 5, says every other day at a minimum. If that was considered an ok minimum, more than once a day has got be a bit much.

"My order is up for renewal in April and I am unsure as to ask to renew it or not. Part of me thinks I will look silly doing so, as BM will be about 8 months pregnant. If she were to go into court and protest, I would look very silly saying I feel threatened by a big old pregnant woman....would I not? I don't know? "

She is a nutjob (as evidenced by her violent attack not long ago). Renew it. I would not even discuss it with your DH, just do it. You never know what she is going to pull, she has no boundaries except those in place from the order and your DH surely isn't about enforcing any. Someone has to protect you, so make sure you do.

~Cat

I would have dh tell bm that because of her actions and unreasonable behaviors ss will not be accessable via phone 24/7. SS will CALL HER before bedtime each night. Thats it! She is interfering with dh's visitation. And DH needs to stick to his guns and refuse to answer any other calls. Some phones have a setting in it where you can set certain numbers to go right to voicemail....