Its been 4 years since grama left me. She was 93 yrs old. Lived a long beautiful life. She was my best friend. My comfort, security, She was the one I wanted to share with when things were good in my life and when things went wrong. I understand she was old and it was time for her to go. But I lost my faith the day she died. Its so strange because before that day I never doubted that there was a god and we would all be together again with our love ones. But now???? I dont know. I question everything, Im scared and angry that I will never have the chance to see grama again. Or if I do will be close will she know me. Will our relationship be as important there as it was here. Is she with my grandpa... or maybe once you die its just over and that its... or you dont know each other as if you have never met before.... What happens... Where is she? Im so scared I will never see her again. I cant do a dang thing about it.... Nothing....

I remember when they brought her out for the wake I looked at her and its like my mind was in such denial that I would look at here and think... She looks like someone I know but I just cant figure out who it is. Its not my grama so who is it?.... I couldnt allow myself to cry. Everytime I would start I would take deep breaths and stop it. I know she is gone. I accept that it was her time. none of that is the problem its. Will I ever see her again.

I did get to tell her what she meant to me. I sat by her bed for a week straight held her hand and we visited. I told her Gram if there is anyone one I could be like in my life time I it would be you. she just smiled and said that is a great compliment. As we was sitting there I told her Gram Im so blessed that god gave me you for a grandma. then I laughed and said ... awww but so were you huh Cause you got me.. lol we both laughed.

I wrote her a letter a few years be fore she died and told here how important she was through out my life. I started with memories when I was little how she was my security, comfort and I was loved, Through each step of my years I told her those same things and how it was at different ages in my life but the security comfort and love was always the same.

I remember sometimes we would fight and I was say Im never coming back to your house again. I would walk out crying... a few minutes later turn around go back crying telling her I was sorry and I loved her.. She would say.. I knew youd be right back..

One day I said ... Gram why dont you say things to your other grandkids when they are disrepectful in your house. You never hesitate to tell me off. You dont let me get away with anything... She looked at me and said because I trust you. WOW..

Other time she had her one of her great granddaughter and her family staying there.. messing up her house eating her out of house and home and not helping out. She called me and was telling me how it bothered her but she couldnt ask them to leave she never would. I said I know how to gt them to go... I lived 30 miles away. I packed a suitcase. walked in set it in the down in the living room and said. Gram Im going to stay with you for the weekend is that ok? a few minutes later my neice was in her bedroom packing upt the family and left. I laughter and told gram.. see I told you I knew how to make them leave. I didnt even have to say anything... She just laughted. I really miss her. I miss my friend.

I was in my early 40's and still if alot of us was at her house staying she would be telling everyone where to sleep and she would look at me and say you can sleep in my room with me. We would lay in bed and visit like to teenagers. She would tell me stories about her life or her and grandpa.... I miss that I will never have it again. Im so afraid I will never see her again. I wish she would come and visit me... if only in a dream.....I miss her...