Hey g, I hear ya on no outside. It's darn raw here today. Was supposed to be warm, but you can't tell it by me. I've had a number of experiences over the years, but I'll tell ya'll about the first one I remember. When I was five my grandfather died. I had wanted to go visit him just before then but my parents wouldn't let me...long story. So, when he died I wanted to go to the funeral bad. They wouldn't let me, said I was too young. I was very adamant and really threw a fit about it. I didnt' get to go. Shortly thereafter, one night I was in bed. A storm was coming, something woke me up and I saw a figure of a man at the window putting the window down. I knew it was him. Right after that my mother came in to shut the window and was surprised it was already shut since I was too small to do it. I told her Grandpop had did it. That summer several times he came and shut the window before a storm. After that my mother wasn't surprised when she came in and it was already done. About ten years ago my father died. I live in the house where I grew up. Had moved back here to help him a few years before he died. Sometime in the first year after he died, I was at the computer in the living room with my back to the hallway. All of a sudden I heard his loud.. Hey.. It was how he always greeted us. My mother died before him and that was about the same time I kept feeling her around when I'd talk about her. Smiles. Guess he wanted to make himself known too. My mother and I learned when I first moved away from home that we could do the mental messages to each other. If one wanted the other to call, we'd just think of it and they would get the message. Then I started doing it with my aunt and later my best friend and I would do it. Still do it with my aunt and best friend. Friend lives across country and we don't talk often, unless one of us sends 'the message'. To this day I always can tell when my mother is around because we smell the cigarette smoke. No one has smoked in this house in twenty years at least.

I am not so sure she is truly depressed...she has gone a week or more before she told her dad she needed her pills renewed. She is capable of dropping a prescription off and picking it up...i.e. she already had the prescription! ANd if she needed them that bad, she would have been on top of it. Se is almost 20 years old. Yes, she shows a lot of signs of depression, but I think mentally ill in other ways, is a possibility, or pathological liar...liar by omission? I agree with all that has been said above. A bit more background...she told my daughter that she flunked out her 1st year at school(away) because she was busy partying too much. As far as sticking he head in a hole, she is on the PC most of the time I presume and emerges for food from time to time. She turns her nights into days and days into nights. She has one good friend that I know of (her friend stayed her for about 3 weeks) and the others that she has brought around or we know of have different backgrounds. Let's just say they might be termed 'on the fringe' of society. She 'dated' some guy when she was 16 and still is friends with him...my SO calls him the jailbird...yes he was in jail for some juvenile stuff...not once but twice! I don't want to sound rude about some kid making mistakes (the jail guy) but she seems to surround herself with others that are off the beaten track. Her friend that stayed here was pleasant and has had a tough background. She is also grossly overweight, but has really had some tough things happen in her life...she's only 21. I like this girl and found myself putting my arms around her with tears in my eyes when I heard her story one evening. I am not a total meanie! I just guess I am at the end of my rope...I feel sorry for my SO. Regarding a plan and timeframe to move out....SO claims he gave her a time frame and that would have been in the past week. He even typed up a contract for her to sign. We never got to the signing part the evening that we talked to her as the conversation started to deteriorate. And, it was never picked up again, as far as I know. So we/he has had conversations with her. It's strange he cannot seem to raise his voice to her. Not that I think that is the solution, but I think she needs to know he means business...he is a very calm guy. It's great, but when you have to take a stand you have to at least sound firm and follow up all the time. He has asked me for my opinion many times, I have given him ideas and he has agreed with everything! But it seems so difficult for him to get tough with her...i.e. call her bluff. The last straw came when the junior college sent something home last Friday...another Withddrawn...this time it was by the school, reason...'stopped attending' class. So, if she really wanted to get that education and was struggling, there are so many avenues to turn to. Last semester she told us she dropped one of her courses because she didn't like the teacher and that the school encourages them to drop a class if the student doesn't like the teacher. Well, that was a new one. My 17 senior in HS laughed pretty hard at that one. It just seems that the lies keep coming. BTW, the house was purchased before her fall from grace the 1st year in college, so that is kind of a mute point. As far as depression and the divorce of her parents...she has suppported her dad in the divorce situation, at least outwardly...I don't think she got along too well with mom and prefers dad...now I know why...he is easy going and has probably not questioned her much up to this point. The high school question...she barely made it out of high school her senior year due to attendance. I remember ther mom calling dad pleading with him to come to the family home and make her go to school. I could hear all the drama going on over the phone. The daughter was sobbing about something and refused to go. Personally I would never have allowed my kid to go away to school and co-sign a student loan with that being her history. Dad has agreed no more school on his dime...she has already blown close to $1500 on courses that were paid and she will get no credit for...that just this year. Who knows about last year...dad doesn't either. That is what bothers me more than anything, that he thinks because she is 19 almost 20 she doesn't need to be monitored closely. She acts like a 10 year old with her lack of responsibility. A note on comparing her to my children, etc. It is the irony of life. Yesterday would have been my 21st wedding anniversay. The marriage was never an extremely happy one to begin with...he told my mom to shut up on our wedding night! Anyway, water under the bridge. He worked, made a good living and I was lucky enough to stay at home and raise the kids, while he pursued his career. As my daughter reached the teen years, she got extremely difficult to deal with.She's always had a sharp tongue for as long as I can remember. But once puberty hit, wow, it really got tough. Ex Husband would come home from work and he would side with the daughter. Right or wrong, I believe parents have to work together for the benefit of the child. You don't put down the parent in front of the child. You pull the parent aside and talk about what you don't agree with how they handled the situation. Again, ironically, this was the frosting on the cake and I couldn't take the marriage anymore. I was not a parent, but looked upon as some worker who lived in the house, or that's the way I felt. We nevwer seemed to be able to be partners and work together. I would never blame my daughter for the divorce, I blame the former spouse and myself for not dealing with issues reagarding her behavior, in the proper manner. Now, it is a differnt story. He calls me almost everyday and complains or vents about things that are bothering him about our daughter. I have nicely said, I wish you hsd seen these things before. Again, water under the bridge. Interestingly enough I have become a lot closer to my daughter since the divorce. Getting away from the husband has allowed me to deal with her more calmly and (most times) her with me! So, it is a great thing! She also had some extreme emotional issues about a year ago and is also on anti-deppresants, so I am not a stranger to mental illness. I also see how (at times) she uses that as a crutch and also see how she sometimes pits myself against her dad. I guess what I mean, when dad says no she comes to me and visa versa. Finally the ex and I are working together and agree on many issues with her and are working together to have a united stand. She is about to go off to school this fall and I am confidnet that she will do ok, but everytime something doesn't go her way she can't cave. Otherwise she will be home going to JC. Learning to become an adult is a process and you have to take the lumps with the joys of youth. Anyway, I see my daughter morphing into an adult...most days! Just dont see that with SO's daughter. Anyway, wanted all of you to know I have dealt with some of these issues with my own daughter. Back to the irony...I feel I am in the same boat now, someone's elses daughter, different issues, and seemingly no solutions with the father. Although my SO is totally respectful of me and my opinion. I also feel bad for him having to deal with this crap and cancer as well. I didn't mean to go on and on, but it feels good to get this off my chest. I sincerely appreciate all of your suggestions and agree with everyone...just have to figure out a way to get the ball rolling. Another aside, she is an animal lover and seems to have a bit of knowledge about the habits of animals, both domestic and wild. I have on more than one occasion mentioned that she should consider going into that field...vet's aid? But, she considers herself a singer, writer and artist. So, you can see her interests run into the arts but you have to learn the basic stuff also! Thanks to all who have read this far! I really appreciate the forum to just vent! Thanks again!

I agree with Vivian. Just take care of yourself and your hubby. These are adults now. Or basically on the cusp of being adults. It is your husbands fault for raising his kids in such a manner andyou cannot undo what has been done. Stand your ground with the youngest. Speak with your husband assuring him you are not yelling at him or anything. Please dont get into a stink about what he gives his kids. Those are his to do as he pleases even though you are digusted by their behavior. i know it its hard to ignore but focus on your relationship and let him handle that. If he wants to spend his cash, let him, so long as it does not put a cramp financially on you guys. I dont think they will be around forever..maybe another few years.

I am not a step parent so I hope it's ok to answer. I have stepparents though and so I know a little about the relationships. I honestly hate to steer you towards 'leaving' your husband so I will suggest this. Marriage and family counseling? I am a huge advocate of therapy. I never would have been before but in the last 6 years of my life I have had and still have many types of therapists. I saw a therapist for myself during my seperation. ExDH and I saw a therapist for coparenting. I saw a therapist during a very rough time in my life a few yrs ago and I am seeing one again Now. Therapists offer different points of view to help to understand where someone is in their thinking. It's especially beneficial when you go together because it gives you a 'safe zone' to talk about the things that would normally cause a blow up or someone to just walk out without the other person being heard. If your husband is completely against that, what choice do you have? You have two other children you have to consider that are CHILDREN. Your adult child and this 17 yr old are old enough to handle themselves but the younger ones need to be considered. If your SS is disrespectful in your home, at 18 it will be even worse. He probably needs more counseling than anyone. Sounds like he is on a distructive path and needs some immediate guidance. You aren't just an SM, you raised him. You deserve the same respect as any parent regardless of your blood relation. My stepfather has been my DAD for 27 of my 30 yrs. My biodad watched from the third row while my SD walked me down the aisle and raised me. That was how I showed him my appreciation while my 'sperm donor' ran around taking care of his 'other' family and didn't blink in my direction. I know that the teenage yrs are rough but your husband and SS should be showing you a little more appreciation for the unconditional love you have showed over the last 13 1/2 yrs. Your husband should definitly be showing his unconditional love and supper for your DD as well. I had a similiar conversation with my own stepdad today. It was the best choice for me to divorce my ex and have my dd in two different homes instead of in the one home where she would never learn love, affection, acceptance, and support. Which is what she sees now that I am remarried and absolutely in love with my husband. I know you probably aren't thinking about that aspect of it but is it healthy for your DD and DS to see this and more importantly feel the back burner, day in and day out? It's up to you but I hope that will help you good luck