Family counseling would be a great option.

How old are the kiddos?

Can't afford family counseling.

6, 8, 10.

I apologized to my son this morning for last night's outburst, have been doing much reading... but still, any suggestions?

Do you work? Maybe you need to take some time to yourself. I dont mean in another room where you can still here them, but rather go for a walk or somewhere you could have your own time. If you do this regularly it may help the problem. Lately i have been feeling the same. When they get home from school they seem to be at their roudiest. You would think that they would play nice with each other but they seem to fight alot. It is really starting to take its toll on me too. Try finding some time for yourself. It couldnt hurt!

First of all, congratulations for admitting there's a problem. That's really the best step you can take to start with.

Reading about the issue is a great second step. Is anything you're reading hitting home for you?

As a third step, I's also suggest taking some time off -- maybe just an hour or two for a quiet walk, and ask yourself what it is you're really mad about. Is it really the little superficial things? Or is there a bigger problem underneath that you're not ready to admit to yourself yet.

As a stop-gap, I'm going to suggest time outs all around. When you feel yourself start to lose it, call all 3 kids into one big room with four corners and call a 10-minute time out. Send one kid to each corner and take the 4th for yourself, and just spend 10 minutes in silence and regrouping. No talking allowed. When you're calm again, quietly state your expectations for everyone's behavior (including your own) and not that anyone who can't follow those simple rules will be back in the corner.

Been there. Car trips were the worst. I used to pull over and get out of the car so that I wouldn't blow up. The kids would stop screaming at each other to ask what I was doing. I would say "Mommy needs a time out." I would walk around until they got the message and settled down.

There were also time when life was very stressful--job stress, marriage problems, etc.--and it tipped over into my mom role. I agree that it is useful to look at resolutions for the other stresses in your world.

There is also a book many people swear by called "123 Magic" that offers a disciplinary method with no yelling! Amazon has consumer reviews you can read as well.

Here is a link that might be useful: 123 Magic

First of all you need to look at how often this happens. Yes all parents yell at their kids, and it is ok. What is not ok is #1 if it is happening WAY too often, and #2 there is disrespect in the yelling. Okay so yelling is disrespectful, but there is a difference. Yelling until you can feel your face turning red...WAY TOO LOUD. Yelling to get yourself heard at first, not so bad. Yelling to get a point across, happens. Yelling swear words at a kid...NO NO. Yelling at a child that is telling them they are no good people...UH UH. But some of the above will happen. (The last two should not, though an occasional swear word will slip out..and sometimes so will a parent tell a kid they're bad, hey we all do it, doesn't mean it's right, it happens). So how to stop. Books are good. Another idea...when I found myself yelling too much, I started making a concentrated effort to start talking softer and in an even tone of voice. Guess what...kids quiet down QUICKLY when you talk like that...clench your teeth at first if you have to, you can't yell with your teeth clenched....now my kids know, if Mom is talking quietly, watch out, she is REALLY MAD. They would even say "quit yelling at me"...at which point I would start to raise my voice...do you WANT ME TO YELL AT YOU, BECAUSE I CAN...they'd decide they didn't. BUT the quiet voice, calm voice was so much more effectful. I'm not saying I NEVER followed my 6'2" son out to the yard yelling and shaking my finger at him...but more often than not I did not yell. Loud begets loud. Talking begets talking.

Vickey-MN

Mine are 5, 7, 10, 13.

I yell sometimes, too. Sometimes I feel like they don't take me seriously until I am angry enough to yell. But I have to remember something I read once: When you're yelling, they only register the yelling, and not one word of what you're actually saying to them. That's so true, I know that's how I feel when someone takes a hostile tone with me, I hear the hostility first and maybe somewhere after that part of the actual direction or request.

When I want to just scream at one of them (or more than one) I have to tell them to leave the room. I send them to their own room and wait 10 minutes before I go up to talk to them. Then I can clear my head, find the fewest words possible to get my point across (I ramble when I'm angry). Then I have to maintain a quiet voice on purpose, catch myself when I hear it rising, and bring it down again.

I try to remember to let the kids do some of the talking, asking them to tell me what they did wrong. They know, they don't need it screamed at them, and they think about it harder when they have to say it themselves. And I have to be quiet and listen to them. Then when I do talk, I've listened first and I'm calmer.

Sometimes I know *I'm* the problem, I'm in a bad mood and short fused, and the kids don't stand much of chance. They can do the smallest annoying thing and I'm ready to blow, it's not their fault. In that case, I know I need to deal with myself first. If I can, if DH is home, I leave the house, go for a walk, a drive, whatever I'm in the mood for. If I can't leave, I need a family time out. The sound of the TV or video games drives me nuts. I ask them for some peace and quiet, the TV is off, they go to their own rooms to occupy themselves, I might play some upbeat music. I am much calmer if that stupid television is OFF! I can't stand the thing when I'm grumpy. ;o)

It helps me to make an effort to whisper when I feel like yelling. It also comes as such a surprise to the kids they actually listen harder.

And overall, I feel like yelling less and they behave in a way that prompts less yelling, if we spend fun time together. I think they just feel more important to us, and we feel better about our parenting. We stop and notice the people they are, not just the annoying behavior. When we know the tension is getting thick, we have to make an effort to go for a walk together, play a board game, or turn down the lights and watch a movie. When they are getting enough of the right kind of attention, we all behave better.

I notice their improved behavior when I keep my behavior in check, which encourages me to keep it up.

One thing that works well for me is to say (very quietly)

"This is the last time I'm going to say it in my nice voice..."

Alldogslover

I congratulate you for posting this query and admitting that you need to find a better way of handling things, that terrific.

I would like to make one point, remember that you are a mirror to your children. If they see you acting like that, they will do it, and that will make it harder for you.

I used to be like you, but I think maturity made me realize its not a good way to be, and I worked really hard and being calm and dealing things in a positive light. It takes practice.

P

I never thought of the idea of consciously lowering my voice. That is a great suggestion; I will try that!

The act of apologizing to my son was actually very humbling. I explained to him that I was upset but I didn't express it in a constructive way. He asked me if I got so upset because I had a bad day; I said yes; he paused, the nodded to himself and the said "ok". And all was well.

The following night, when the same behavior occurred (with my son that is, not me losing it), I just said, "Matty, remember when I got mad yesterday and then I apologized? I apologized for how I talked to you but not for what I said." He got all quiet again and then said, "I get it."... Then, of course, our oldest picked up where his brother left off, so I turned to him, a little bit more irritated and said, "I just finished having this conversation at this end of the table and now you start up?", I noticed my bilirubin rising, so I made myself not say anything before I escalated unnecessarily again.

Doing some research online, I actually found two books mentioned that made great sense to me, "Parenting from the inside out" by Daniel Siegel and "Buddhism for Mothers" by I don't know whom. I went to the library and read the chapters specifically on anger and it helped me greatly. I finally got it. I am a bit embarrassed by the realization because I find the explanation to be hoaky, but it makes absolute sense: my son's behavior triggered in me frustration from when I was a kid. That's why I exploaded the way I did.

This is something I clearly have to work on, I will keep on reading and I think I will keep a journal about it. By making it a conscious thing, I think it is easier to control. Thanks again for the advice.

I grew up one of 4 kids and we bickered lots. When my kids reached that age that it started to happen, I had a talk with them. I told them I would not live in a house where we fought all the time. I disliked it intensely, had it as a kid, and refused to turn our home into one of those with constant bickering. Somehow, they understood this was a core issue with me, and things settled down. Life was not perfect, but they understood from being in their friends' homes what we could become and what I wanted us to avoid. It really, really helped. I learned to send them to their rooms if there were problems and explained I would not be a referee. That helped too. So did turning off the TV. They learned if they wanted a sibling to play with that they had to be nice to them--prior to that if the sibling got mad, they always had the TV--until I took it away as a weekday entertainment.

Alldogslover

Good on you, for reading up on this issue and deciding to do something about it.

I wish you well. Soon you will have the household you want.

P