Need Advice about teenagers and boyfriends. Help!!!!!

mlaj2000

17 years ago

My 16 year old daughter has recently developed fairly strong romantic feelings for a boy that her best friend has liked for the past 6 months.

The boy really, really likes my daughter also. He wants to ask her out, but she keeps putting him off because of her best friend. Her best friend, although upset with the situation, has reluctantly given my daughter and this boy her blessing to start a relationship. Obviously my daughter is still torn.

They are a large group of friends between the boys and the girls, and of course, some have taken "sides". Some kids tell my daughter to "go for it". While others are calling her a traitor. It also doesn't help that her best friend's mother is absolutely irate with my daughter and telling her daughter that she should stop being my daughter's friend.

I am distraught over this. This boy would be my daughter's first boyfriend. She has no experience with matters like this. I cannot stand to see her so unhappy.

Before I tell you what advice I gave to my daughter. I would love to get your opinions. You are all impartial, so I feel you can be a better judge of the situation.

Thanks for your help. I sincerely look forward to any and all responses

Comments (16)

lindac
17 years ago
Tell her all's fair in love...a.nd war and sometimes there is a very narrow line between the two.
Did the girlfriend have a "relationship" with the guy or just a crush?
If your daughter refuses to go out with any guy that her best friend thinks is "hot" ( see I know the lingo!! LOL!) then she is allowing the friend to control her social life.
The guy likes YOUR DAUGHTER...I see no reason why your daughter shouldn't go out with him.
Linda C
Vickey__MN
17 years ago
Let's see, I liked a guy in high school, so did my friend. She had the courage to ask him out. Guess what...they dated and we didn't. I ended up just being his friend. WE (Girlfriend and I) stayed friends, HE and I also stayed friends. Can happen. I say go for it or you'll never know.

Vickey-MN.....side note....we then dated after high school..married and 20+ years later are still married. She may have "had" (not sexually) him first, but I got him forever (okay some days I'd give him back, but not most!!)
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Work with the facts mostly. That can give you a bare-bones outline of what the situation is. Work hard to avoid interpreting the motives or thoughts of the others. The only one you _really_ know potentially is yourself and your views. I think it is unusual for a parental adult to form that close a friendship with their child's (adolescent, but still minor and not legally an adult) boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter. If her mother is having deep conversations and sharing her personal views with you, that can be inappropriate and it ignores or disregards all kinds of normal/healthy social boundaries. There are many reasons a person might not act within social 'norms.' Some of these are beyond a person's control (Asperger's syndrome, or some personality orientations can result in a trait people have which causes them to not be socially adept with their peers or in a way which is 'normal'). 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mlaj2000
Original Author
17 years ago
This is now getting complicated. The mother of my DD's bestfriend has declared all out war on my daughter. She feels that my daughter has betrayed her daughter.
It's kinda silly to me because this boy and my daughters friend have never been anything romantic.

I understand that her daughter is hurt, but betrayed. I think thats tooharsh.

My daughter is totally gaga over this guy and she wants to go out with him. They are already seeing each other. It's just not official. I think they want to wait a little while to see if things cool down with the friends mom.

Her friend has been amazing and is really trying to make the best of the situation. Her mom is outta control.

She and I are friends also, so it's complicating my life as well. I have not been able to eat or sleep over this.
I feel just horrible that my friend hates my daughter.

What should I do?
rrah
17 years ago
Teenage romance is tough. I came here tonight because my own DD is going through a bit of a dilemma with her boyfriend.

I kind of agree with the question about whether or not the friend just likes the boy, and the feelings are not mutual, or whether the friend dated the boy. At 16 or so it can feel like a betrayal though. With some exceptions like vickie-mn those high school boyfriends don't last a lifetime. I know there were many instances where my best high school friend liked a boy I liked or vice versa. It hurt, but somehow it always turned out in the end. There were several occasions when my friend dated boys I had dated in the past. I did feel betrayed on one particular occasion. As it turned out this boy was very "bad news" and caused my friend some very big problems. After this I no longer worried about it--call it karma maybe.

This kind of thing happens in high school. Think of it as part of the growing up process, like learning to walk or share one's toys, just a bit more complicated.
wildchild
17 years ago
"What should I do?"

Nothing. Just because the other mother is inserting herself into something that is none of her business doesn't mean you should do the same.

You can support your daughter and be there for her but this is between her, the boy and her friend. If your DD wants to go out with him she should. At 16, both girls will probably have several boyfriends before they find "the one".

My DH dated two of my best friends before we got together. He was into one of them and didn't care at all for the other. The one he liked eventually got me to go out with
him. Our friendships survived. Your DD and her friend will too if the dang parents stay out of it. Let the other mom look the fool that she is.
mlaj2000
Original Author
17 years ago
I agree that I should butt out.
However, I am "friends" with this mom. and now she hates my daughter.
I have chosen not to argue with her about our kids. I told her how much I loved her daughter and think that kids friendship is stronger than this boy and it will survive.
She, doesn't want her daughter to hang out with my daughter anymore and is mad at her own daughter for being a "chump"
WTF????
She is being manipulative and mean.
Normally I would stand up for my own kid and defend her. But I feel like it would just escalate the matter, I am trying to ignore the situation in hopes of it going away.

Obviously this friendship with the mother will be irreparably damaged if she does not cool it soon. I hope that doesn't happen, but I am a big girl and I will survive.
sweeby
17 years ago
This mom sounds one card shy of a full deck... I can't see how you would ever view her the same way even now, or even why you would still want to be friends with her. I mean, how could you ever trust someone who is so immature and vindictive? You're probably right about confrontation just escalating things further.

You might want to do some pro-active defense with mutual friends, though. Without trashing her, you might want to let a few of you friends know thay she is extremely upset with you and your daughter and why. Otherwise, her poison might be taken seriously.
mlaj2000
Original Author
17 years ago
I have already begun the process of damage control. Unfortunately, for me, my "friend" is well connected in the community. I kinda am also, but I don't have the big mouth reputation that she does.

I only want to maintain a cordial relationship with her now for the sake of the kids.
wildchild
17 years ago
I think you are doing just fine. You seem to handling it the best you can under the circumstances. I would never be able to call this woman a "friend" though. She is an acquaintance from this day on. Continue to be cordial and avoid this woman as much as possible. Treat her daughter with kindness. She needs a sane adult in her life.
sheilajoyce_gw
17 years ago
I feel sorry for you. What should be apparently good news, a cute couple are dating, is a mess. I would take the opportunity to talk to DD about the importance of using her own head in making decisions. You say some of her friends are upset with her, and others are not. I suggest that you talk to her about learning to use her own counsel in making important decisions. If she needs advice, she should turn to a respected source, such as MOM. She should see with all this mess how useless seeking the advice of the group can be. As I told my own kid when we had this talk, only mom is in your corner 100%. Why would you take advice from some inexperienced twit who may not have your best interests at heart? This mess is a perfect example of that.
popi_gw
17 years ago
The girls in question, seem very mature and handling the situation as it should be handled.

The person who is in the wrong is the your friend. If she is badmouthing your daughter you must stand up for your daughter. Not in a aggressive way, but just something like "I do not appreciate you saying that about my daughter".

I think you are doing fine, you seem to know the best way to handle the situation.

It think it will all blow over, in a few weeks, and its a good lesson for your daughter and her friend.

Your friend is overreacting,let the young ones sort it out for themselves, thats what I think. You are there to advise and guide.

All the best.

Popi
jennmonkey
17 years ago
This is a regular teenage thing to happen. I dated a guy my best friend had a crush on while we were in high school and we are still best friends, the guy turned out to be a complete doofus. The other mom is way too over involved in this situation. You are doing the best thing by giving your best advice, and staying out of it. Everyone in the community will see the other mom is clearly being ridiculous, they are 16!!! Teenagers swap crushes and boyfriends sometimes and it's not a big deal if both parties are okay with it.
labmomma
17 years ago
"However, I am "friends" with this mom. and now she hates my daughter."

Question - why would you even want this woman as a friend if she is treating your daughter so poorly. Your 16 year old is still a child and these little high school "romances" come and go. If your friend persists, cut her off. Don't do the she did/she said dance.

Get on with your life and encourage your daughter to do the same. If her friend is truly her friend, they will be fine. If not, well then she has also weeded out someone who should not be in her life as well.
carla35
17 years ago
Your friend, the mom, is way too involved.

I had two best friends that had small crushes on my husband before we dated, and I recall having crushes on guys in highschool that my friends ended up going out with. All were pretty minor crushes though. I would guess this may be more than just a little crush that the friend had. Was she talking about and following him around, etc? Sometimes in those really heavy crush situations, friends do sort of respect the boundaries.

My first reaction was to say that boyfriends come and go, but that girl friends are usually more important in the long run. But, I think that is something everyone needs to learn for themselves from their own experiences. I have a feeling everything will settle down once the couple go out and break up (which they probably will do sooner or later). Although, your daughter may become known as a boyfriend stealer...not really her fault, but be prepared. This one relationship may hurt her reputation and her popularity. And, sadly I think she may find out too late that it probably wasn't worth it. But what else are the teenage years really for if not to learn from trial and error?

Bottom line though, it's really nothing either of the mother's should be involved in. I can't understand the other mother's hatred of your daughter. I don't really think there's a good answer or solution when the other mother is just acting so irrational.
coolmama
17 years ago
geez,your daughter's friends mom needs to get a life! If it has been her daughter's actual boyfriend or something I could see being upset by it..but even then,it's really none of her business!
That is what kids do. I cant tell you how many girls liked a guy and their friend would date him instead in my school.Then a few months later the boy would date another friend.Never in all my life have I heard of a parent taking it so personal.
scarlett2001
17 years ago
This is kind of like when two young children fight, then the parents fight over the kid's argument Soon the kids are happily playing together and the parents are taking out restraining orders and egging each other's cars.

One good thing about teenage romance - it's usually very fleeting. The hotter it burns, the faster it cools off. As for the opposing mom, I think she has issues of her own, maybe not even related to this situation.

Need Advice about teenagers and boyfriends. Help!!!!!

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