"Now she tells me that she and her bestfriend are on a quest for adventure." I wouldn't worry about it. From what you have written, she is a good kid. Their idea of adventure is probably not as crazy as you imagine it to be. Yesterday on my bus to work (I commute from NH to Boston) there were two 16 yo or so girls. Giggling away, excited about their day in the city. I saw them on my way home as well, and they obviously had a great day. Maybe that is the type of excitement your daughter means? A little innocent, but still "adult-ish" adventure with her friend? When I was your daughter's age I had a car (well, at 16 1/2) and my best friend and I had a ball. We never got in trouble. Going to a town 20 miles away seemed like and adventure. During the summer we'd drive the hour to the beach and spend all day eating fried dough, getting burned, people watching. Now that I think of it, those sunburns were the most dangerous thing we did!

Work with the facts mostly. That can give you a bare-bones outline of what the situation is. Work hard to avoid interpreting the motives or thoughts of the others. The only one you _really_ know potentially is yourself and your views. I think it is unusual for a parental adult to form that close a friendship with their child's (adolescent, but still minor and not legally an adult) boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter. If her mother is having deep conversations and sharing her personal views with you, that can be inappropriate and it ignores or disregards all kinds of normal/healthy social boundaries. There are many reasons a person might not act within social 'norms.' Some of these are beyond a person's control (Asperger's syndrome, or some personality orientations can result in a trait people have which causes them to not be socially adept with their peers or in a way which is 'normal'). That she does this with you may not have anything to do with personal feelings, or desires she has. Sometimes people who are in the role of 'host' or 'hostess' will insist on giving up personal beds for the use of overnight guests. That can be normal. It can also be the case that there is confusion of boundaries which extends beyond the conversations and has moved into the realm of personal feelings on her mother's part. It is impossible to say or to know because the only one who can know is her mother, and she has acted in a way which suggests she may not be clear in her own view (about normal boundaries and why they exist, and how to set them up and maintain them for everyone's benefit, etc.). About your gf, there seems to be some confusion about what she 'really' wants or what she is 'really' interested in; in terms of further exploring your shared relationship and possible physical expressions? If you want clarity you can ask her direct questions like 'I am confused when you (say what it is she does or says that is unclear to you), and I need you to tell me how you would like me to respond.' Sponteneity is a bad thing in this kind of matter. The consequences of most physical expressions can involve viral infections which are chronic (types of herpes), warts can also be transmitted inadvertently and through activities which are not viewed as 'real' intercourse. By asking her you can get a feel for whether she, or you for that matter are ready. Absently acting on feelings simply because of having them is something that can be done. Humans do have the capacity to think before acting though and it's worthwhile to do so usually. It's a benefit of eons of evolution. Asking can give you clarity about her feelings, and what she wants or thinks she wants. People who have limited or no experience in these matters (and teenagers are limited in that they haven't had much time at all to be able to develop both adult maturity and good experience) may not reasonably be able to know what they want. They may not be clear on their own feelings. A good test for whether to proceed or not is if you (and she) are supportive enough of each other that either of you can and would stop if the other (at _any_ time in the proceedings) expressed the need to stop. Being able to do that without any hard feelings or resentment is more of a test of healthy advanced adult maturity. you can get clarity about what 'further' is to her, and maintain good ongoing open communication with her P.S. You might have to be the one to set boundaries with her mother if you find that her 'closeness' feels uncomfortable in any way to you. Then you can stop the deep personal conversations or conversations about her daughter. Her daughter is your girl friend, and she is entitled (as are you) to have a personal relationship. Her mother is entitled (as are parents everywhere) to access to enough candid information that they can feel like they are able to protect their child's safety. There is a balance between these. Her mother is still responsible for her, legally. That is a serious responsibility, being responsible for someone else's health and well-being and safety. She can decide not to let her 16 year old adolescent child travel alone to see you; but it could be for any number of sound reasons and not just because of the 'relationship issues' or related fears. P.P.S. Social naivety can come across as very endearing. People who display this trait tend to be overwhelmingly candid and more or less incapable of lying. This can be very appealing and causes people who have this trait to appear relatively 'unspoiled' and 'uncomplicated.' This is worth mentioning because it sounds like her mother might display this trait (people who do often are not aware of normal social boundaries). Her daughter might have it too. If her daughter does, then she needs more parental protection than 'normal' too. People who are more socially aware and sophisticated will often exploit people who are naive in this area. Your gf might make a great longterm and life partner for you. Life is long, and a couple years (anything less than a decade really) is nothing by comparasin. Give yourselves time because life is not a race and even if it were it would _not_ favour sprinters.

"The mom is severe bi-polar, doesnÂt work, and has never even attempted to put her in a crib." Do you want to try to co-parent with a woman who is severely mentally ill? If she really is bi-polar, that's serious business. If she's merely a drama-queen, that's bad enough... (Ever had a toxic person in your life?) Do you want to help raise a child whose primary parent doesn't have a job and will therefore push for every penny of child support she can get? A parent who is likely to not have health insurance? To be able to pay for day care, school activities and other extras? To never be able to afford a nice place in a good neighborhood with good schools and nice kids? (Sure, it might not turn out that way -- but what do you think?) Do you want to be the stepmother of a child whose mother doesn't want the father to have any meaningful role in his daughter's life? And just how meaningful a role do you think BioMom wants you to have? And how far do you think she will go to keep your role minimal? Do you really want to spend your life dealing with the behavior problems stemming from a child raised by a mother with questionable judgement? I know it's too soon to tell for sure, but what do you think? I haven't bothered to look for proof, but I suspect most bad parents raise difficult children. I'm sure you've heard all of the lines about how when you sleep with someone, you are also exposing yourself to everyone he/she has ever been with. Well, marrying a man with a child is like that. I imagine you've made the connection that the man and his daughter are a 'package deal'. Please also realize that this package deal also comes bundled with a crazy BioMom -- you get her too. Is this really the best you can do for your future?

Because the situation has some extreme aspects to it, I can see your frustration over what sounds like an extreme discrepancy between the way the kids are treated. I'm sure that it must be hard to watch, and there are no easy answers for how to make things fair... because the kids in general have had very different lives and experiences and continue to do so. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges, and that's what makes the 'fairness' hard to determine. I agree that your husband should cut back a bit on the buying of luxuries, and he certainly shouldn't buy them every time she asks for one, and certainly not on command in general... But I also see where you and your bio-kids have to adjust your thinking a bit too. First of all, the following thinking needs to be adjusted: "he loves and cares about he more than he does us and that is painful to have him put first when i am demented in thinking we were here first.." Because actually, your Sd was there first. Not saying that this automatically means each and every time that she has to be "first' on everything, but her existence is a fundamental point of fact that you seem to be mis-perceiving. Also "i wouldnt have chosen a man with children because i didnt ever want my children or me to be second to someone elses children...but here i am..and here she is..." Well, you very much DID choose a man with a child: another fundamental fact which you seem to be ignoring. Finally, you mentioned that it upsets you to see your husband providing for his daughter her b/c he doesn't provide for you in that exact manner. But the thing is, not only is she his minor child, but she is also a minor child that he DIDN'T provide ANYTHING for for the vast majority of her life. So yes, a certain amount of this is making up for that past irresponsibility and neglect. Clearly not in an ideal way, but he at least is trying to own up to his paretal responsibilities to her in SOME way now. But as everyone has noted, of course this can create other problems. Namely how your children perceive the situation. The only thing I can suggest as to how to address it with them is by an honest explanation incorporating some real-life lessons about: the fact that life doesn't always treat everyone exactly equal in exactly the same ways at the exact same times because we all have different lives; the fact that people make mistakes but that the right thing to do is to address those mistakes and make amends like your husband is doing; and that no matter what it may appear someone else has, on the surface, you never know what they have endured, or what they have lacked deep down, in the past, etc. Not to be overly dramatic about it, and it's not the best comparison, butit's soemthing along the lines of how it may be explained to kids that some kids get out of certain chores b/c they have a physical disability, or soem kids get out of certain homework assignments b/c they have a learning disability, or some kids get first consideration at colleges b/c they are in a certain minority group, or some kids are just born to rich parents and simply get more than other kids, period. If you think about it, at some point, we all learn these type of lessons, b/c if we didn't we'd all be pretty bitter and think that life is terribly unfair and that people who have certain advantages that we don't have are automatically happier. And this whole thing underscores the point that money shouldn't be a defining thing in happiness or relationships... the very point that is trying to be made about why it's upsetting to see Dad spend so much money on SD.