daughter 25 yrs old w/newborn & 2 yr old

17 years ago

I need advice on how best to help my daughter get her life on track. She is married to a drug dealer (pot)and can't seem to leave him. They seperate then he talks her in to coming back. She is now living with his brother & wife, but wants to move in with me. She has mental issues and legal issues and I don't even know where to start helping her. My husband (her step-father) tells me I have to choose between helping her or our marriage. I don't know what to do and it is tearing me apart to see her and the children living this way. We cannot afford to totally support her and the children, but I would give anything to be able to help her get away from her husband and start a new and more stable life for my grandchildren. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Comments (5)

tracystoke
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
hi sorry to hear about your situation,Im just curious as to why your husband is so against helping your daughter.I bet if it was his bio daughter he wouldnt hesitate to help her.It must be so hard for you daughter with having two such young children,Im a single mum to an 11year old ,2 year old and a baby and its hard work,my mum is a godsend,when i was with my ex she used to beg me move in with her and my dad,they avnt much money,and definatly not the room for me and three kids but she was willing to put herself out for me.would it really be so bad if she moved in with you just untill she got sorted.
colleenoz
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
It would be helpful to know what the issue is between your husband and your daughter. Unless there's a history of hostility your husband isn't being very supportive of you, because clearly your daughter's situation is an issue for you.
As long as she is at her brother in law's it will be easier for her husband to pester her to come back to him. Is ther a relative on your side she could stay with?
You need to prioritise to help you know where to start.
Legal issues- what? How pressing? Is she going to court next week? Next month? You probably need to consult a lawyer or law clinic to see how to go forward with this.
Mental issues- is she currently in some sort of counselling/being medicated? Should she be? Has she seen a doctor? If not, get her to one.
Could you make a deal with your husband that she comes home to you, for an agreed time limit? It's always a good idea anyway to set a limit and goals- job, own home, independence. If her past behaviour has been the reason for his reluctance could you include in the deal AND GET YOUR DAUGHTER TO AGREE- start up with the old behaviour and she'll have to make other arrangements.
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stargazzer
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
have you thought about getting her into government housing, either through a women's crisis center or hud. not sure that is the right name for it. there is a long waiting list here, but they often put someone in crisis at the head of the line.

i have to say i understand your husband's point of view. we have mental illness in our family and it makes everyone's life a living hell. then all of the other issues she has, his life would go down the toilet right along with yours. i would take the children without hesitation, but not sure about the mom.
curry2dive
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you for the replies. As a teen, my daughter was diagnosed as bi-polar. She has not been on meds or sought counseling for many years. She has stayed with other family members for months, but returns to her husband when expectations for her to go to work and/or school became to difficult for her. She nursed the 2 yr old for 2 years and only stopped because she became pregnant. She is a wonderful mother in many ways except when it comes to staying away from her husband.

I have filed a police report regarding his drug dealing, but they said they get 50 calls like this every day and not much they can do about it. He was talking to his "customers" in the birthing room at the hospital right in front of me and the nurses!

She is driving on a suspended license because of unpaid fines and just got a ticket yesterday. Her husband has told me that he is going to take the children and I will never see them again. They don't live together because he wants to be with other women, but now he wants her and the children to live in a converted bus and drive around the country. She is suppose to report to her caseworker if she has any contact with her husband. She is on food stamps and WIC. I have tried to get her to seek counseling, go to a women's shelter, call domestic abuse hotlines and legal aid. The waiting list for housing is at least 2 years. Legal aid will not help her file for a divorce unless he is trying to kill her according to my daughter. One attorney I talked to wanted $1500 to file a temp restraining order and $2000 for the divorce.

My husband fears that she will just take advantage of living with us and return to her husband when she has to make tough decisions about putting the children in daycare and finding a job. She needs help on so many levels that it is overwhelming to even know where to begin. I tried to get her to contact one shelter with a 14 month program. She needs help to break the victim cycle and learn life skills in order to give her children a secure and safe future. It breaks my heart to think of my grandchildren growing up in a shelter. It helps to put this in writing and to read what other moms have been through. I am going to call a counselor today for myself!
khandi
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
How does your husband feel about taking in just the kids?

My BIL and SIL are bipolar. We've seen so much with them!

As long as your daughter is NOT taking her meds, she'll never have a "normal" enough life. She'll never get her life back on track.

My first priority would be my grandchildren cuz they're too young to help themselves and have no choice but to live this life of hell.

Maybe talk to your husband about taking in just the kids for awhile until your daughter gets her life together and starts by helping herself first. It must be really hard for her to do so with 2 kids. That's if she WANTS to help herself!

My brother and his wife have full custody of their two grandchildren (3 and 6), been almost 2 years. Their son is a drug dealer (the father) and the mother is a bipolar drug addict. They are not together as a couple and never have been. The youngest child was born a crack baby. The son doesn't do drugs, just sells it.

My SIL fought tooth and nail to get both the mother to sign over parental rights. The family has been through hell and is still going through it because no matter what the mother does to screw up her kids' lives, the law is on her side. The father, however, can only have supervised visits cuz of the way he treated the mother. He slapped her once to "snap her out of a fit" while she was high. He has "straightened" her out several times but she keeps going back to drugs.

Fast forward to today.... the father is a good father to the kids (actually the oldest is not his bio child but he loves him like his own) and does everything for them. They are spoiled rotten! The mother calls the oldest and tells him lies about his grandmother (my SIL) and tries to get him to spy on them for "ammunition against them". My SIL then tries to explain to him why his mother is acting like this but that she still loves him. The poor kid is so screwed up emotionally that he wants to talk to a judge cuz he says he doesn't know who to believe anymore and knows a judge wouldn't lie. He's had counsellors before too but the mother is just damaging him so bad. So much so that just yesterday, in fact, my SIL went to court to get a court order for the mother to have "no contact" with her kids. She didn't win cuz she didn't have enough evidence. She has appealed. I told my SIL that she should have the oldest talk to this judge so she could see for herself.

With Children's Aid, the courts, etc.... it seems that they protect the mother more than they protect the kids. Which is a real shame! It seems that Children's Aid, the court, etc., seem to "forget" that the youngest was born a crack baby! The mother has more drug charges then the father, including other charges, and still the law is more on her side! The only reason why my SIL and brother got full custody of the kids was because my SIL found out that the mother was using someone else's urine for her mandatory drug tests. Just before they were to enter the court room, my SIL's lawyer requested a drug test (hair) right away. Test proves positive and her lawyer told her she'd lose the case so make it easier and sign away her rights. And she did.

All the best to you! Check out these sites. It might be helpful.

http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/

http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Grandparents.shtml

daughter 25 yrs old w/newborn & 2 yr old

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tracystoke

colleenoz

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daughter 25 yrs old w/newborn & 2 yr old

Comments (5)

tracystoke

colleenoz

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stargazzer

curry2diveOriginal Author

khandi

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curry2dive
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