I Just Had a Good Cry

13 years ago

I was sitting watching tv and a woman was telling a psychologist that she felt like a failure. For some reason this struck a cord in me and the tears just welled up. Next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out. Why? Because I asked myself why I was feeling like I had failed in my marriage.

After a few minutes (and many Kleenex) I remembered that I wasn't a failure and I was loyal, loving, dedicated wife who did everything she could to make my marriage work.

I'm sure I will have more moments like these but I just needed to tell someone.....who better to tell them my friends here at the KT.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

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Comments (21)

juellie1962
13 years ago
Hugs to you! I'm glad you came to the realization that you are NOT failure! I can't emphathize totally because I have not experienced divorce, but even though we haven't met in person, I feel your hurt. Again, HUGS!
samkaren
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you juellie
Was married for 25 years. Right now we are separated..having started the divorce paperwork yet. some nights when it is too quiet I sit and think about everything that has happened. I still hurts but I am thankful that DH and I are on friendly terms and still friends. If anything we will always be there for each.

SamKaren
your resident DJ
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Ltcollins: LOL I am a master gardener... shh...I don't tell people in the forum. (I don't wanna say something stupid, if you know what I mean) My quest for the problem took my far and wide. I have recieved a lot of help from the International Palm Society. University of Florida has a palm pathology lab in which Texas (state agencies, ag agencies can ship samples from their path labs for further diagnosis) I called them because my problem just seemed so bizzare and widespread and they said, "It sounds like insects..look for bugs". So, I went out and looked around my plants. Low and behold there were holes about the size of a quarter bored into the ground right next to my palms. From there I was stumped. I had seen a lot of rhinoceros/ox beetles in my yard. As a matter of fact, I was "encouraging them" because I thought they were beneficial. I wondered about those ox beetles, but I didn't have a specie name. Without a specific specie name it was impossible to do a google search to make a possible connection to my palms. However, I went to a local Palm Society Meeting. The speaker said that the Rhinoceros beetle is the main cause of death of young palms in tne San Antonio area!! When I got home from that meeting, I took a picture of one of my dead beetles. I got the name: Strategus Aloeus. Then I googled Strategus aloeus and palms. Bingo. But, the problem is, none of the internet documentation is in the United States. It is a major pest of palms in Mexico, Central America and beyond. Pictures in Honduras show the exact same holes in the ground just like mine. This insect is promoted as a beneficial in the US, but not Latin America. LOL I have a bunch of hardwood mulch from tree trimmings that they are nesting in. I didn't do anything about them because I thought they were "good bugs". The mulch got spread here and there all over my yard. Now, if I want to save my palms, I'm going to have to hurt some beneficials that are in the same space as these ox beetles. Much of the documentation about this bug and palms is in Spanish. Some sources say the adults bore the palm. Some sources say the larvae. Also, the lifecycle is different here than in the tropics. I think in any large numbers these beetles can be pests. They are beetles with great big mandibles. In the tropics they have very high populations, where they also attack root crops. Just knowing something like this is enough to kinda keep them out of your vegetable garden etc. In small amounts I'm sure they're easy to control and harmless. Just take the one you see, usually once a year, out of the veggie garden, and through him over the fence. In large numbers, I bet they get hungry and seek out our territory for food. (Palms are non toxic and the heart of a palm has long been known as food) As to why these rhino beetles are considered beneficial, I really don't understand. They are "decomposers" such as earwigs, pillbugs etc. Maybe there is confusion with dung beetles which have a very specific function? The actual "specific" beneficial behavior of ox beetles is not documented. I've read they eat fruit and roots, but that doesn't sound too beneficial to me. I think they are called "beneficials" so people will not kill them. They are taken as trophies and sold. Also, some people are concerned that they could be poisonous. These bugs are still considered "uncommon" in the US and some species of Strategus have gone extinct, so maybe there is confusion with that? However, believe me, this bug is not at risk for extinction. It is alive and well all over Mexico, Central America and much of South America. This is another good case, for collaborating with Mexico. Texas and Mexico constantly influence each other. Integrated Pest Management doesn't end at the border. LOL Thanks for listening to me. I'm soooo relieved that I have an answer. Here is a link that might be useful: Ox/Rhino Beetle
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I have had yard men in the past (stopped to save money), but they only did the yard, never my flowerbeds. Once the grass didn't need cutting, so I put them to work weeding. They were fantastic! I have hired neighborhood kids, etc., to weed, and they always pulled up something I valued, but not those guys. I wish I had the money to hire them again. Sorry you have had a bad experience. Is there any way you can tell them to mow the yard but leave the flowers alone? And by the way - they grow flowers in Mexico (or Canada or wherever they're from), too. They should know better.
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I feel so bad for you... I completely understand. I am looking for a new contractor because the old one is so uncooperative. Here is a list of my rants. My NEW architect (another long story) came to meet the contractor for the first time. I leave work at lunch time to meet both. I ask my contractor "when should I buy plumbing supplies". He says "last year, *giggle*, 6 months back *giggle* yesterday *giggle*". These are his giggles BTW. I sigh and my architect says "he needs 1 week to do the demon so get them by the end of the week". Ok. He then argues for small things and tries to show that he is a man of his own mind. Then he lights his cigarette, and I insist that I don't allow anyone to smoke in my house. He refuses to listen and smokes. I ask him "so you are going to order the tiles like we mentioned in the contract" and he starts laughing loudly. WTF. I call him later that day and ask him details about his fabricator. He gives me his cousin's number who is the fabricator. I ask him another question and his rude response is "how do I know". DH and I call him over the weekend to confirm demo on Tuesday and go over the contract one final time. I put $xx towards the sinks in the master bathroom, and I tell him that we are spending a third of that amount so the bathroom cost should be low since he was providing the sinks. He says "are you crazy, you put $xx towards the sink bowls? What is wrong with you? You are crazy" and starts arguing. He says "you guys have the wrong contract. What are you talking about". Turns out he doesn't have the signed copy of the contract or ANY of the cost structures that we discussed. Anyway, I tell him on the phone that I have never come across a more unprofessional contractor since he kept shouting and calling us crazy. He hangs up on us. Then my husband takes over the conversation. He comes to our place and we go through all the documents and about how the numbers are not adding up. We tell him "you said you would match the price we got from marble.com. So we save $6,000. How come the total price has not come down?" His response "I am providing the master bath door which costs $3,000". I know it doesn't cost $3,000. We tell him "give us a breakdown of your costs. Material costs $1,500 and you are charging us $15K - does labor cost $13.5K? What is the breakdown?" His response "If I give you a breakdown, I will have to charge you more." He is too lazy. He has been too lazy to find prices of anything. I had to find out prices and spoon-feed him and he still acted lazy. My architect said, "he has too much control which makes me uneasy. He knows the job is his so he doesn't care". I HAD IT!!! I decided to take my money elsewhere to someone who shows me some respect in my own effing home. If I don't want someone to smoke, he will not smoke in my house. No more arguments. So here I am interviewing another highly recommended contractor tomorrow. Sigh! Sorry for the long saga, but it helps to get it out of my system :). Thank God for my new architect - the old one screwed me over.
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Thanks, Mikomum. ;) Actually we often agree, and when we disagree it's usually opposite ideas for the same reason, which is wildly entertaining and gives lots of perspective to the issues. :) The dishwasher placement does make sense for your reasons, though I totally agree about the panel. What about the trash though? The number one thing that moves the prep cook in the tiny kitchens I grew up in isn't the water, it's the garbage! I agree that having a kid crossing behind with clean dishes while you're working at the sink would be bad, but if you'll be doing the cutting, peeling, etc., at the island, it still might work to switch it with the trash. Just saying... Because if the DW works first from the corner (though only get-at-able from the sink side and front), then the garbage will be accessible from outside of the work zone, and the sink can slide over a bit. This is all about your own priorities, however, and how your family works. Do try to eliminate any age specific issues (e.g., it doesn't take nearly as long for a 15 year old to empty the DW as a 10 year old), but you have to do what you know will work for you best. Re the microwave, by the fridge is where I like it. Are you sure the corner is the best place for breakfast prep? I've always put the toaster by the microwave, and find the corner a place where things go to hide (my corner is similar to yours in many ways). Rhome warned me that this would happen, and I opened it up as much as I could, but still... Actually, I do think the blender might be good in that corner, but in the plan as it looks currently on the page, I'd think the toaster would be migrating to in front of the windows... I'd try to keep breakfast to next to the fridge, though you might not have room for everything there in the amount of space you have to work with.
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paleblue
13 years ago
Hi Samkaren...

I understand your pain and self doubt. I went though
this several years ago. My daughter just divorced her
husband and he is taking it badly.

I can only pass on the advice that was given me years
ago, that I shared with him. IT GETS BETTER. Time
really helps in the healing.

The first year is the roughest, but after that, you start
to mellow out and see that things in your life
have gotten better.

My best wishes and hopes go out to you. Just go one
day at a time.

paleblue
wanda_va
13 years ago
It will get better. What you are going through is normal. Hang in there. Hugs!
glenda_al
13 years ago
Been there, done that!
Told and it seems true, two years is what it takes in the healing process.
Life will get better, trust me!
secsteve
13 years ago
Hang in there SamKaren. You know all of us folks here care for you.

The support folks here provide at times like this are really gratifying.

I know it's helping me get through my grief about losing Buddy.

You've suffering a loss of a different kind.

Big Hug
YogaLady1948
13 years ago
You have to go through the greiving process, that takes time. Crying is good, makes you feel better some times. You are doing great~~~just breath and let go~~ maybe you need another shopping trip;)
drewsmaga
13 years ago
Hugs
User
13 years ago
((((( Samkaren )))))
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
13 years ago
Hey, those tears are healthy! It's your sadness leaking out :-)

My situation was different...I knew that the marriage and the man were bad but didn't know how bad for me until about three or four months later. I walked into my cute little, but empty flat, and literally fell to my knees in tears.

They were tears of utter relief and a million other emotions....all good. I had been living in dread for years...so long that I forgot what it felt like to be me. Tears can be very theraputic.
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
13 years ago
Hey, those tears are healthy! It's your sadness leaking out :-)

My situation was different...I knew that the marriage and the man were bad but didn't know how bad for me until about three or four months later. I walked into my cute little, but empty flat, and literally fell to my knees in tears.

They were tears of utter relief and a million other emotions....all good. I had been living in dread for years...so long that I forgot what it felt like to be me. Tears can be very theraputic.
wantoretire_did
13 years ago
Samkaren, I heartily recommend you get this book. It is a woman's guide for when she has absolutely decided to leave, or newly after the fact. I left in 1982 and this book came out that weekend with a full page ad in the NY Times! It takes you through the stages of grief of the death of a marriage, and is also full of financial, physical, mental and practical advice. Not your mainstream self-help book. I still have mine.

Here is a link that might be useful: Learning to Leave
katlan
13 years ago
I think the tears are good, necessary in fact. We females are very emotional creatures, we aren't meant to "keep it all in" and "not talk about it". Well, at least I'm not, and I hate to cry.

Bawl your eyes out and talk til you're blue in the face if it helps heal your pain.

Hang tough, better days are ahead!!
hounds_x_two
13 years ago
Been there, too!
I can't add anything to the words of wisdom and experience everyone has offered.
sandiefl
13 years ago
Sending you a hug and prayers. (((samkaren)))
joyfulguy
13 years ago
Tears help to dissolve the pain and wash it away.

((((SamKaren)))) The DJ of the residential area
chisue
13 years ago
Wouldn't it be awful if you felt *nothing*? Gosh, you must be a real, loving person! You think! You feel! Something you thought you wanted turned out badly, and you are sad.

Glad you have Kleenex. Glad you have 'us'.
samkaren
Original Author
13 years ago
Chisue
I am grateful for having such good friends at the KT. Everyone is wonderful helping me through this.
neesie
13 years ago
Thank goodness you had the sense to remember your redeeming qualities! You are much more than a failed marriage; I am sure you learned many things in your life and they all shape the person you are today. Dust yourself off, dry your tears and put a smile back on your face.
susanjf_gw
13 years ago
omg that sounds like the dr phil i watched last evening! the 'copter mom...it made me think twice when he put up the list of things you can change...it hit me pretty hard....
rob333 (zone 7b)
13 years ago
(((samkaren))) so glad you made it through that hurdle.

I Just Had a Good Cry

Comments (21)

juellie1962

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I Just Had a Good Cry

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