Here's what I would do. Still go ahead with the portrait of the six kids explaining to SIL that you can't ask any more of the artist.

Then, have a complete family photo taken and let a graphic artist work with it in Photoshop and apply some special effects that make it look like a painting. You can print it on canvas if you want. You can even include the older photos or just images of the ones lost with perhaps a soft glow around them for an ethereal look.

Jodi-

So, if I read this right, the 6 in the portrait would be your mother's 6 children? The wife of one of your brothers is upset that she will not be included?
If that is the case, I say too bad. I feel she is being incredibly selfish. The issue is hers, not yours. It makes perfect sense to me to only include your mother's 6 children in the portrait.
Have you spoken to your brother (her husband) about this? I cannot imagine being upset if my husband's family wantet a portrait made with only the children in it.
Maybe try writing her a letter to explain why you chose this would smooth over any hurt feelings.
I say continue on with your plans. This party is about your mom, not sis in law.

i would stick with the plan to have the 6 siblings only. you could take pictures at the party and make an album to give to her later and also include the deceased and older photos of the rest of the family if you felt like it.......

I agree with Jodi.

I also wouldn't change anything. Why couldn't she have said something right away. For that matter, why are YOU the only one doing any of the planning on this? I see that emails were sent so input could be given, but obviously it didn't mean that much to her or she would have said something. Kids only.

Tami

Go with your original plan. I would suggest to the siblings who want their whole family included in the portrait that they go to a studio and have a nice individual family portrait made of them with their children/grandchildren to present to your mother. Asking your generous artist sister-in-law to do all that work is just plain ridiculous. Stick with the plan. I'm willing to bet that this is not the first time the offended sister-in-law has stirred up S---.

I agree with Jodi...also!

Stick to your plan. I think its a good one. People haven't helped up to this point, so they weren't around when decisions needed to be made. How about afterwards each family getting a portrait done as a Christmas gift to Mom? I hope you don't end up footing the entire bill for the party!

I'm a little confused. You said that your plan was to have your mother's 6 children in the portrait. One SIL said that she and the 2 other SILs were upset that they're not going to be in it. Then you went right into why you don't want the whole family/everyone in it.

If I understand correctly, adding your sisters-in-law would add 3 people, not everyone. Did the SIL say that everyone should be in it, or just that she and the other SILs should be, along with the 6 siblings?

I didn't see anywhere (unless I missed it) where someone asked for the whole fam-damily (my father's word :-) to be in it. I think I'd have had the siblings and their spouses, but it all depends upon family dynamics. You know your's best and your initial plan seems fine if that works for you.

Sounds to me like a family discussion/fence-mending might be in order.

Yep, it is totally impractical to try to have a portrait with 30 people in it.
I would tell your SIL so and that there will definitely be pictures taken at the party. You may even be able to smooth some feathers by having a slide show running that should include everyone- living and passed in the family, as well as close friends of your mother's.
As someone with a pack of brothers and one sister, I can relate and sympathize with you. Planning this sort of thing is often thankless and vexing. Just remember you are doing it for your Mom.

Your SIL is out of place. I can tell you first hand a family picture would mean more to your Mom. My husbands family took a family picture with just Dad, Mom and 5 kids. The one daughter died a year later of cancer. This has been a cherished picture for everyone..

You are trying to do something wonderful for your Mom..

I think a portrait of your Mother's children is a great idea and I wouldn't change my plans for my SIL...

I do appreciate the feed back. I have lamented over this for the past 6 weeks and really needed to make a decision. My husband totally supports the portrait of just us 6 kids, my brothers haven't manned up to their wives and I doubt they will discuss it with me unless I force it out of them. I intended to stick with my original plan but did not want to upset my sister in laws. They did want their families, not just them and their husbands. I'm really having difficulty with just one sil, the other has tried to smooth things over and the third is the artist who is no doubt in an awkward position as she will be laboring over it. This is a piece that will be passed down for generations. The one thing in my family that has remained constant is the 6 of us. Wives have come and gone, I know that sounds bad but I don't mean for it to. These 2 sil's have been a part of my family longer than they haven't. I guess that's why I thought they would understand or atleast participate in the thought process.
I think I will let them know that due to the amount of time I've already put into this and the time the artist will need to do the work not to mention the lack of cooperation, I am sticking to the original plan. If they care to take part then of course they are welcome.
The party is the end of July and that really doesn't leave much time to get this done. My artist sil has to make a living as well.
No, we are not footing the entire bill. In my original email I told everyone to set aside a certain amount to go towards food, planning, decorations etc. I will go directly to the men for that portion of things. They won't question me about it. They wouldn't dare.
Thank you again.

not saying they will...but inlaws come and go....I think it should be only children born to her. It would be way to much to have them all in a painting.

Now it would be nice to have a whole family portrait made. If you don't have a photographer in the family, you could tell them up front that if they wanted a family portrait it would be at their expense.

You can make some of them happy all of the time....
and All of them happy some of the time....
But you can't make all of them happy all of the time.

Does the SIL who objects to NOT being included have her own siblings? Just trying to understand why she would feel hurt by not being included, shoe on the other foot kinda thing. Try to get her to understand that a portrait of the siblings is not FOR her, it's for your mother.
If the budget can take it, hire a photographer for the event and plan to do individual family groups as well as the entire family all together. You can almost consider them "companion" pieces to the six siblings piece.
I did a siblings portrait for my DH's family, his mother had a blanket made of the image!

Pattico, I understand about the inlaws coming and going, we've had quite a bit of that. This one is here to stay and truth is I love her. I respect her tremendously and this is the first and only fallout we've ever had. She does have a brother and a step sister and both of her parents are living. For our wedding - 12 years ago we did individual family shots. I kept them and eventually put them in a digital picture frame along with 100's of all family pictures and gave it to my mom about 4 years ago. Everyone has been given the opportunity to have copies and access to everything I have. No one has ever asked.
I do like the idea of the companion pieces and I will suggest that.

I agree.. stick to the original plan. Adding more people is unfair to the artist SIL.

not saying they will...but inlaws come and go....I think it should be only children born to her. Pattico is right about this too. 20 years from now many of those people may no longer even be a part of the family.. yet they are in this family heirloom of a painting.

Good luck!!

Sometimes the complaint voiced isn't really the problem. I was wondering if anyone feels as though this is a command performance, as Decreed by You. You TOLD them all YOU were planning a big party for your/their mom's 75th birthday. Nobody asked you to. You didn't hear back from four of your sibs. They didn't say, "What a great idea!" They were silent.

You say you have no children. Maybe your life is less complicated/busy/stressful than your sibs who do have kids. I could see someone feeling as though you are calling all the shots; they better toe the line and BE there, in person, and with funding. (Kinda hard to say you Don't Wanna Do This when it's MOM's Birthday.)

Frankly, you sound a little bossy: "I told everyone to set aside a certain amount..." "I will go directly to the men for that portion..." "They wouldn't question me about it. They wouldn't dare."

*I* think the party is a wonderful idea, but I'm not your sib, and I'm not being told to pony up for the party you are planning.

I could be reading this wrong. Maybe they are delighted you have taken this on!

Your original plan is a great one. I suggest you stick with it.

I was thinking the same as chisue voiced. It sounds pretty "directive". But again, you know your family best.

Your right, I do. They are glad that I am doing this. They wouldn't do it themselves. I am the one that makes the holiday plans and does the get togethers. Many of our family members are gone and I try very hard to keep those of us left together and a part of each others lives. My brothers respect me as I do them. They know they can come to me if theres a problem and they know if they need something I will do anything I can for them. No, I'm not bossy but someone has to take the reins. My brothers have families and for them to have to take this on, I can't count on it. No, I don't have kids or the stress that comes with it. I have an aging mother and step father that require my care. I cared for my moms mother the last year of her life. I quit my job and took care of her 24 hours a day during colon cancer. I've got broad shoulders but then I've needed them. May sound bossy but really I'm not. My family is important to me and this party is something my mom actually asked me to do many years ago. I turn 50 8 days after moms birthday and I'm trying very hard to keep the two seperated. This is her event and I just want it to go well.
If I left things to my brothers and their wives, our family get togethers wouldn't happen but their wives still would.

I say go with your Mother's 6 children. It was your idea, SIL is on board to do the work. It's your choice. Besides if you put in-laws in the picture it could become uncomfortable in the future if they become "out-laws".

Other than Bro #1 and his wife I don't see you getting much help and I would not count on any. You probably need to be prepared to pay for the party yourself.

Linda

You need only to stick to your orginal plan. Adding the in-laws would have to mean adding kids. "Mom" would love two things, a picture of her children and a picture of her grand kids. You are wonderful for being so directive. With out one like you NOTHING gets done!! Good Job!! For my in-law's 40th they had a photographer come. "Mom" asked for one of just "them", no IL's. NO ONE was offended. Why would we be!!? I would add to your party plans a professional photographer. This sounds like a once in a life time event. Think of all the configurations of pictures you could have and the album they would make. That would be a keep sake too and you all could have exactly the ones you wanted. The portrait will be wonderful!! I have seen this done from photographs old and new. They are VERY cool. Maybe once it is done your other sister's in-law will GET IT.

I didn't read all the posts, but my first thought is that a portrait of JUST HER KIDS, your original suggestion, is what should be done. After all, this is HER birthday and her having a portrait of the 6 kids she born is a wonderful gift. And, this may very well be the last portrait/pic of just the 6 of you that she ever receives.

I'd tell your sister in law and everyone else that this gift represents her 6 children - period. If she or anyone else doesn't like it....tough.

Being the only girl in your family I see why you are taking this on. Men generally don't do things like this and aren't as detailed as women (I own a party & event company so I know this to be true). I also understand that trying to coordinate with so many people, you have to put your foot down and be stern about things, especially when no one is getting back to you.

And, as an artist myself, I can tell you the time it would take your SIL to do a portrait of 30 people is outrageous, not to mention the size of the darn thing.

Stick to your guns. It's a lovely idea. Good luck.

No, I'm not bossy but someone has to take the reins. Ain't that the truth! I agree somebody has to step up and do the organizing or else there would never be any get togethers. I organized my parent's 50th anniversary party. I only have 1 brother and he works a lot.. he did offer to order and pick up the cake and his wife (who also works) took the grandkids (including my 1 DD) and had a picture taken of them which I framed for my parents. Brother and I split the cost of the dinner. I did also involve a cousin who does magic and some of my parents friends to get them there on time (it was a surprise party).

Just because one person is in charge doesn't mean they aren't taking suggestions from others or that they aren't open to offers of help. It's a lot of work organizing these events.

Thanks again everyone. I am going to share with them my original plan and make suggestions for family portraits individually. If they would like artist sister in law to do them, they can make those arrangements. Debi_2006, thats exactly what artist said. She just finished 9 - 5x8 foot murals that were run together for a food store in S Dakota. She said if she tried to get everyone in it, it would become a mural and mom wouldn't have a wall big enough to handle it. It's some of the women in the family causing the stink and no, they have not offered any ideas, assistance, suggestions or anything. I'm not even half way through this thing and I'm already exhausted. I've got so much to do.
I'll take suggestions as well if anyone else has ever done this. I'm already stressing over how the yard is going to look, my gardens and the pool/deck etc. I have an aunt coming that was a great gardener and I am actually hoping to get some of her garden wisdom as well as canning. She's the last one with that knowledge and pushing 85. Oh yeah, we 2.25 acres and we've invited those that want to can stay in campers if they'd like.

Having it at your home does add more stress. I had my DD's graduation party at our home, made the food, decorated, ect. and my biggest regret was not having hired some help (for serving food/etc.). I spent way too much time in the kitchen instead of mingling with guests.

We had my parent's party in a private room in a restaurant. The restaurant gave our guests a choice of 5 or 6 meals, it went very smoothly and I had much more time to spend chatting with my parents and the guests.

So.. my suggestion is to not try to do so much by yourself. If you want it at your home then hire a couple neighborhood teens to help with things before and during the party.

I would freak out if someone wanted a painting of 30 people. 6 would be hard enough. The artist SIL is very nice to agree to do that. A nice photograph of everyone in the family on party day should suffice.

Have a great party!

You had a beautiful plan. Don't let others ruin it for you and your mother. She had the six of you and raised the six of you. The portrait should be of the six of you.

Since it is your mother's birthday, do a portrait of only her. The artist can concentrate on the one image and will be able to do a bang up job. Present the portrait to her at the party and give credit to the artist. If anyone complains about this, tough bananas. It shows their conceit. After all, it is your party given to your mother. Keep that focus.

For the rest, do group photographs of whomever shows up for the party. Make copies of selected images for distrubution and identify everyone in the photos. Because you have a large group, take several group shots and select the best one to distribute. Break the large group into individual family groups and photograph. The smaller groups can be more intimate and better portraits will result. Groups of 4 to 7 people can be covered in a 5 x 7 photo. Any more gets crowded. For a larger group, move to a larger format.

Be sure to take candid shots too. In this digital age of photography, you can afford to toss away bad shots, so take plenty.

If the cost becomes too high to give photos to everybody, maybe those who wants photos can help defray the cost. (It's sortta "They gets whats they pays for".)

Why would a woman that age want a portrait of herself? Why would anyone IMHO want one of themselves!? Stick to your original plan it was flawless!

I would never think of pushing my self in where I was not wanted. Under these circumstances I would completely understand, it's your Mom children only. I find pushy people are pushy and rude because no one stands up to them. I have a brother in law that is the rudest man I have ever met and it's because no one stops him. You are putting this gathering on to honor your Mom, so do it your way, they can come or not. Personally if there is to be that many people I would hire a hall, maybe in a church or a community center.

Ok, portrait aside...I think there is a bigger problem. Why are you calling all the shots? Have you asked your siblings if they even want to be in the picture and what they think about who should be in it and what you are doing? Get on the phone and ask them...

I would never just arrange to have a pic with me and my siblings without going over with them who would be in it, etc. I think it's the fact that you appear to be controlling everything and everyone that may be the real problem.

"Your plan" really doesn't matter if it brings heartache to any one family, marriage or wife. It really doesn't matter how many photos you've gone through or how much better or easier the pic would look with just you six. If you are hurting someone, you need to rethink your options. And I gotta tell you from a traditional etiquette standpoint, not including spouses can be kind of harsh... they are either considered part of the family or they are not. I think it's naive to think you're not gonna ruffle some feathers.

Although your idea may be best...you didn't allow others who should have had a say in it, vote, so now not only is it not the best idea but hardly anyone will be happy with it. Back to the drawing board...