"People say leave when it's not always so simple..."

How complicated is it, then?

If it's so complicated that living as you are is the superior choice, I guess that's the answer. How are things for the kids? Mention of kids is new.

Asolo- Complications arise when you have investments together and yes, children involved no matter who they belong to. The children are not drawn into a personal bedroom matter and are a concern in regards to a divorce and the effects on them. You can't just get up one day and walk away. It takes planning and doing what's best for everyone. Thanks for your concern.

Wasn't seeking a tutorial. Was interested in learning what "complications" may be in your particular case. Trying to understand what would be insurmountable after only being married for a year.

People break up all the time. Don't know what could be so unique and complex in your particular situation that it would prevent you from getting out if you want out. Slavery ended a long time ago. There must be something in this for you or you would have left already.

I can't believe what women put up with and men also. Life is to short to be unhappy 24/7. My sis found porn on her and her husband's computer and deleted it all and left him. He would have found his computer in pieces on the driveway if it had been my husband.

You're making lame excuses and not fooling anyone but yourself. You might as well go on and admit you don't want to leave. You won't be the only one. Too few people ever do it. I have surely seen much, much worse on these boards and IRL than your situation, and they don't leave either. So, count yourself among the countless majority who are either the stupidest people in the world or are the smartest. Maybe it's just normal since not leaving is the norm, which makes me abnormal by society's standards. Just don't think you're fooling anyone with all the *reasons* you can concoct.

maime are you for real? your sister divorced over...porn?

"Counseling helps people not to always "fix" relationships but to help us see them for what they really are."

Very wise Lonelyheart --
And yes, leaving IS hard.
But you CAN do it, and you'll be much happier once you have.

I hope there was more to your sister's story, maime.

"Having a trained individual tell you it's not healthy and validate your feelings is worth the expense, effort"

"I obviously settled, not recognizing my value was not equal to his."

"...the damage is done and I am heart broken and feeling deceived."

"Counseling helps people not to always "fix" relationships but to help us see them for what they really are. That is what has happened for me."

"the Lord can soothe the hearts and souls of many damaged individuals."

Seems to me you have all the information you need and have had it professionally validated. I don't know what more you would need in order to feel compelled to act. Your "Lord" may sooth your heart and soul but I can guarantee you he/she/it isn't going to solve your problem. You're the one that will have to do that -- or refrain, which is what you appear to be doing.

Hello again... Just wanted to clarify for the scorned individuals who feel the need to kick people when they are down. My last therapy session confirmed and validated my feelings.. which was yesterday when I put up my new post. I have considered leaving before and had doubts... therapy has cleared that up. So yes, I am leaving and appreciate all the valued posts to help give me the courage to feel sane in a crazy relationship.

There was much more to my sister's story. He was a devout catholic and they had 2 kids and she did not want anymore. Birth control was out of the question so he abstained. There she was 30 years old, no sex and without sex, no hugging, kissing or a warm touch of any kind. When she found out he was what he was doing for his sexual relief she was a bit put out. She had no money for a bus ticket because he doles it out as needed. She was so angry she tried to hitch hike back to our state and thanks to some kind truckers they passed the word and arranged for her a safe ride to our sister's home. She did go back to him and never found it on their PC again. He was a penny pinching miser who wouldn't let her run the a/c until he came home from work. Their home was not in her name and it was a first marriage for both of them. My mom visited when she was pregnant, really big pregnant and she had nothing to sit on except a sofa with bad springs that almost went to the floor. Mom went out and bought her a recliner and told Him "I'd better not find out you have been sitting in it".

My husband picked up a porn flick at a garage sale and I watched it with him, one time. I thought it was disgusting and degrading for all women and I told him so. I did not tell him he couldn't watch it, but he never watched again with me in the house.

well considering they didnt have sex i would be gratefull he was just using porn and not getting it elsewhere.cant be doing with catholics

"grateful" isn't the first word that comes to my mind. Why did she return to this prick?

After dumping the husband, the next thing to do is abandon that stupid religion. I've never understood people who willfully submit to such arbitrary and pointless tyranny.

She is not a catholic, but may have converted so they could marry. I think she returned for the same reason a lot of women do. I don't understand any woman living with a man if she is unhappy, she had no job, no training. I guess they think it's better than nothing.

Tracy I don't understand..."cant be doing with Catholics".

sorry im from england,cant be doing with catholics is another way of saying i HATE catholics and cant understand them

That's kind of sad. They don't want any more kids, so they feel they can't be intimate at all? What a nutty theory. Are Catholics aware there are other ways of doing things besides intercourse, or is that sinful too?

I understand untangling and disengaging from someone can be hard, but it's not impossible. Investments can be split more readily than that great souvenir you picked up on that vacation. But when it comes down to it, it's all silly anyway. If you're unhappy, no investment is going to make you happy.

Thanks for explaining.

My sis was not a catholic. I think the reason she has stayed with him is because she is weak. It takes a lot of strength to head out on your own especially with kids. I did, but not when I wanted to. I needed some emotional support from my family and didn't get that. When I finally got fed up I decided I would just go on welfare until I could find a job that paid enough to live on. Welfare told me if I applied while working the job I had I would get very little money. She said if I quit my job then apply I could get enough money to live on and then get a part time job and still get some welfare. If had gone on welfare it would have been common knowledge back then, my sons friends would have known. I opted to take a $100. a month from my mom and pay her back when/if I married which I did. I don't regret many things in my life, but I do regret taking money from Mom. It didn't put a hardship on her, I just wanted to be independent.

I have been married for 5 years now. My husband and I haven't had sex in 4 1/2 yrs now. Sleeps in one bedroom and me in the other one. I'm a beautiful woman with a nice body, but he won't come near me. I think that he married me for his papers. He is brazilian and I'm American. I don't know what to do. Always asked him, why don't we have sex together anymore. Because you don't find me attracted anymore. PLEASE HELP ME.

After 4 1/2 years, what would "help" look like to you?

Perhaps more to the point, what do you think the rest of your life should look like?

Oh thats ridiculous,divorce him ,four and a half years is a long time,get rid and give your beautiful body to someone that appreciates it,what a waste of years.he probably is with you for his papers.

I have the same issue going on with my husband. I got married young and our wedding was in june of this past summer. It is really hard going through this because you feel like he is showing all of his love to porn and not you. I can't even watch a movie without thinking he's drooling over the girls in there and one time he was. The next day after watching kangaroo jack he looked up Estella Warren pics and that just devistated me. I am only 18 but I do know exactly what you're going through. I thought about leaving him over it and hoping hed miss me, realize he was wrong and say sorry. Didn't happen. What I'm saying is, if this bothers u like it bothers me, still, I learned to be very nice and understanding but make it known that you don't like it so he knows it hurts you! After I told my husband I would help him through it, he respected me so much more and said how much he is glad he married me and I believe him because he was even crying. So if you stand beside him through his problems he might even feel too guilty to do it again! I hope you get through this I really do I will pray for you and just remember that God brought you two together for a reason:)

IMO, God had nothing to do with it, good or bad. People have free will and they often make horrible mistakes. Best to admit the mistake, correct it, and go on with life. If anything, if there is a personal, all-knowing God, wouldn't God want for us to be happy, not miserable?

"God brought you two together for a reason"

Ah yes...the universal cop-out....sorry not buying it, a lot of people are "brought together" not by God's will but out of pure lust, loneliness, greed (God creates Gold-diggers?), biological clocks, etc. Hard to believe that God had a hand in all the awful, miserable relationships I've witnessed....I'd like to think if there is a God, he/she can make better use of his/her time.

He sounds like a narcissist. He cares only about his needs. You are there to serve him. Look up the term narcissism and narcissistic behavior or traits. I am willing to bet he fits many of the criteria.

I doubt he will ever change. The only choice you have to make is to decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Asolo, you are so anti God.

"The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God..." (Ps. 14:1).

Lonely, it is good you can see the bigger picture here. He has to want to change and only in Christ can he become a new creation. All things are possible WITH God.

@peytonroad.....

"Asolo, you are so anti God."

Well, no. One can't very well be anti-nothing. If he doesn't exist, which is the position I hold, what's to be against? What I am against is people like you who throw out their personal religious biases expecting the argument to end at the moment they speak of what they consider to be sacred -- that which is not to be questioned or argued agaInst. They always seem amazed -- as you seem to be -- that their biblical quotes and blind faith don't engender instant acquiescence.

I don't talk about god or religion here or anywhere else unless/until somebody else brings it in first. If you want to quote your fairy-tale book and converse with your imaginary friend, that's OK with me. However, when you bring up out of nowhere a fantasy/magic/faith-based "solution" to a real-world practical problem, you can expect to be challenged.

Unlike you, most intelligent people don't consider cliches and aphorisms to be answers to serious questions. And if you want to get further into biblical quotes, you'll soon find your "holy" book rhetorically shredded.

Would be very inconsiderate to continue to post here as this is not about YOU or me.

"But whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven." Mathew 10:33

and to help you understand his love for you despite your false beliefs.

Acts 3:19
Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out.

"Would be very inconsiderate to continue to post here as this is not about YOU or me."

Sorry...you don't get away free. In fact, you're the one that made it about me. What's "very inconsiderate" is your unrelated-to-topic personal comment about me combined with your ridiculous proselytizing/preaching. Quite the stinking combination.

Asolo agree with you on this 100 percent....how this person can follow up that well-written reply with more bible quotes is beyond me....insane really. It's like they can't even comprehend the fact that there are people that don't drink the religious koolaid..

@asolo. You are a very funny person. As I was briefly looking over some of the replies to the initial post of lonelyheart, I became astonished of some of the replies made. Not because any of them were 'right' or 'wrong' because these are all considered suggestions, advise, personal beliefs, and any other word that has a root and origination of one's own OPINION, but rather astonished by the tone and sarcasm of the replies she received back (especially yours which is why I am calling you out, since you have 'rhetorically' claimed yourself as the answerer beholding all truth and knowledge) instead of her being replied back to within the same tone and demeanor that she asked for opinions in (respectful). Seeming that the status of your response (sarcastic, rude, mocking, or just forms of being disrespectful) was aggressive and uncalled for being that she did not project any form of a negative attitude towards the public in asking for feedback. I will start with your disrespectful tone. All of your replies seem to project disgust, critism, impatience, and irritability, especially towards the remarks that are made suggesting religious practices. You merely seem to oppose the fact that all remarks made including YOURS are OPINIONS/BELIEFS that these people have a God given/legal given (I know that just ticked you...lmao) right to express rather it be that they believe God does exist, or like you BELIEVE, (belief is a word by matter of opinion and choice)that he does not. Though the controversy of whether God exists or not is not the subject of my topic, something that you have not seen but others state that have seen or believe to exist by the bible or by others who have said they have seen it, does not make it FACTUAL that that person, place, or thing does not exist, it just means you choose not to BELIEVE their word. The reason is, no matter the scientific studies, sources, theories or thoughts, if a person says they have witnessed this person, place, or thing, unless you were there with them where they stated they have seen, felt or whatever, then you have no way of proving that they did not. Another FACT you should take into consideration of your 'intelligent' belief that God does not exist is to make sure you know the difference between a statement or belief by an actual deceased human being, and the difference between that of a story or statement of a fictional character. A fairytale features fictional fantasy characters that have never actually existed. Though these characters in the book may never have actually existed, they sometimes stand for a positive purpose to teach a lesson or moral that exists in real life. The characters in the bible (many times the writter of the book itself) are indeed past existing non-fictional humans who were rather testifying of what they have proclaimed to know by witnessing themselves, or being told to write by God himself (as said by the teller), or by other reasonings which conjured their belief. Since many of the characters have actually been found through scientic artifacts (skeletons), it is then again, a CHOICE to BELIEVE in their word. I'm sure you were not there at the time and place where Moses stated he split the Red Sea with his rod. But a definite fact of that biblical story is that Moses was not a made up character, but an actual deceased human being. Whether we choose believe how his story happened or if it happened at all is our own perosonal choice and right. But Moses was certainly not a made up character, neither was the King of Egypt, and the fact that those slaves of egypt at that time in Egypt did indeed escape from bondage. Moses says it was the help of God, and that God spoke to him through a burning bush. You choose to believe he did not. A jury can behold the testimony of a witness, the alledged offender, and the victim, but just because jury convicts the offender by reasonable BELIEF provided by some surrounding testaments, still does not make the stories told true/untrue. That is just what the judge and jury, CHOSE to BELIEVE (there are plenty found guilty but innocent and vise versa). So intelligent, but the one displaying the most child like behavior, ignorance, and immaturity. If you do not believe God exists, don't believe, its your choice. Just as the one's who do believe have respected your choice and right not to believe by not mocking you for not believing, you should RESPECT them the same way.
It just really perplexes me, and yet appears to me that by the unsympathetic mockery you express to the remarks that do not initially project any towards you, that you believe you have a right to decline them a right to express or believe in their suggestion or advice to the problem, whether it be by therapy, avoiding the issue, or even by GOD, regardless of whether your BELIEF is that he does not exist or not. You imply that their way of coping is not intelligent yet, you seem to lack the the ability to grasp a simple concept which was taught in basic home training and even so in the earliest phase of school (pre-school on up). Which is to possess good characteristics, and qualities, by RESPECTING others and their beliefs or opinions. Don't you recall? Sharing, CARING, KINDNESS, RESPECT. Yes, all things that you are also taught in the bible as well. lol. To me, peope like you need to spend more time in that 'fairytale' book, the bible. Regardless of whether it's true or not it seems you could use some basic first base principles, which apparently you missed in pre-school. It just cracks me up with laughter how people like you can imply that they are just soo intelligent and superior, but don't know that the number one comes before the number two. Takes just a little more than common sense to grasp, the but not the highest of intelligence that you seem to proclaim to have, so why are you lacking the principles? Too busy trying to find words in the dictionary that prove a point, but don't know how to tie your own shoe that is. Just immature and child like that you don't know how to respond to a person giving advise or suggestions without mocking and taunting. You basically said she using an unrealistic method of dealing with her problem by prayer and the bible is 'fairytale' like for kids, yet you can't even display a mature, positive response to her. Like I said, even a lot of fairytales teach good and positive morals and priciples you apparently are lacking of. And guess what, grasping the concepts doesn't even require you to have a high IQ, and it's dirt cheap, in fact it's free!!! And I will give you a little bit of the lesson here on how know what exemplifies good and evil like positivity and negativity! The word caring and sympathy correspond one to another, such as mockery and kindness do not, respect and rudeness not, any of the projections I have already stated you have given like, disgust, critism, sarcasm, and impatience. As a matter of fact, these are more so given off by a person lacking good quality, character, and sensitivity. More of a person possessing hate, or by religious terminology evilness. It is understandable that we all have to some extent, projected some of these bad characteristics maybe by the cause of a bad day, but people like you who the majority of what they have to say is of such negativity, are usually full of hate, or evilness (in a religious way of putting it) And seem to try to disquise this hate as intolerance to others 'unintelligent' suggestions such as religion, way of solving a realistic problem by 'fairytale' scriptures. That 'fairytale' may have just so happened to help them close their eyes while enduring 'realistic' problems like rape, and picture that 'fairytale' paradise and helped them to continue on with life, instead of killing themselves, or somebody else from depression of their crisis. Unlike your remarks in response to their crisis, (more so like bullying) which continues to cause more 'realistic' problems in our society like rampage shootings for being made fun of and suicide. And at the beginning, middle and end of the day, your seemingly insensitivity and mockery to how another decides to deal with their PERSONAL issue, is not only an indication that you are full of hate and evilness, but child like aka immaturity. So intelligent, but can't given an intelligent answer in adult manner. You start with basic mathmetics, before you can get to Calculus buddy. Until then, I don't care what sources you cite, what college you gradutaed from, what degree you have, or what grand word you use, you are just what you are, naive and child like. That's your real reasoning for portraying such disgust in others belief in God. Not intelligence, disbelief in God, or any other reason. They an apple does not fall far from a tree, and rather you believe it or not, a person full of bad characterisics, hate, or evil in my terms, can only fall from one tree. And though you are in opposition of the belief in the existance in the God known as Jehovah, the I am that I am, I still suggest you pick up the bible to at least learn how Jesus taught that others should treat other bible, that will gain you those better characteristics you are lacking and enable you to respond then as an adult. Yes, I did give you a tutorial, being that you have constantly got on the cases of so many on this page since 2009. I could find better things to do then to teach an adult child like principles, but it seems over 3 years, you could have found better things to do then to 'kick others when they are down' stated by miss lonelyheart.

I have a similiar problem. been together 5 yrs, just recently noted him on porn every imorning after i leave for work. I tapped his computer, he is chatting but on porn almost everyday. He doesnt initiate sex, doesnt show affection. no kissing, cuddling. when he found out i had snooped in his internet pleasures he called me horrible names. I have tried the whole" i will watch it with you" he says no, he feels uncomfortable. what do i do?

sorry misprint...he doesnt chat on porn sites is what i meant.

What makes you stay, if you get no affection? Finances? Inertia?

I have a similar problem. I am with my husband for 2 years now and we have a 10 month old little girl. I got pregnant when i was dating the guy for just about a few months. When i was about 5 month pregnant...i stopped getting an orgasm from sex i think because of the hormonal changes and my husband decided not to have sex till i am over with pregnancie as my vagina was quite dry as well. I did not suggested a lubricant because was a bit shy...even though i was telling him that i still want and need intimacy and sex. In the last stages of my pregnancy i looked at the history and he was watching porn every day. I thought that this problem would dissaper after i have a baby. But soon as i had the baby and recovered from childbirth-he was not interested even to try and get our sex life back. I had to initiate sex....but i could not reach orgasm as i think mentally i feel that he is not so in to it and not so exited. And every time i went out during the day,he was watching porn...and he never goes to bed at the same time as me..he always stay till 2 or 3 am and watch the films and porn. At that point i was so upset and frustrated i tryed everything..wear sexy clothing,being a slut for him...he still prefer to watch porn than initiate sex with me. So if i dont insist he could go over a month without having sex with me. And when we do...i can not relax and fully enjoy as it always in my mind that he is quite satisfied and he does not particular want or need me.He never tries to please me to hard as well. When i catch and confront him it does not help...he gets angry,he lies he does not do it. And he keeps doing it. I get angry and frustrated and this frustration comes out in a day to day communication...i want to hurt him like he hurts me. Even though i do love him and often he is nice to me. But situation gets out of controll now. I can not pretend everything is allrite. And he can not stand my anger when it suddenly comes out in a!
differe
nt situation. So we are on the edge of breaking up. But we have a little girl and i want to save our relationship. Please give me some advise or comments on this if you could.

I have a similar problem. I am with my husband for 2 years now and we have a 10 month old little girl. I got pregnant when i was dating the guy for just about a few months. When i was about 5 month pregnant...i stopped getting an orgasm from sex i think because of the hormonal changes and my husband decided not to have sex till i am over with pregnancie as my vagina was quite dry as well. I did not suggested a lubricant because was a bit shy...even though i was telling him that i still want and need intimacy and sex. In the last stages of my pregnancy i looked at the history and he was watching porn every day. I thought that this problem would dissaper after i have a baby. But soon as i had the baby and recovered from childbirth-he was not interested even to try and get our sex life back. I had to initiate sex....but i could not reach orgasm as i think mentally i feel that he is not so in to it and not so exited. And every time i went out during the day,he was watching porn...and he never goes to bed at the same time as me..he always stay till 2 or 3 am and watch the films and porn. At that point i was so upset and frustrated i tryed everything..wear sexy clothing,being a slut for him...he still prefer to watch porn than initiate sex with me. So if i dont insist he could go over a month without having sex with me. And when we do...i can not relax and fully enjoy as it always in my mind that he is quite satisfied and he does not particular want or need me.He never tries to please me to hard as well. When i catch and confront him it does not help...he gets angry,he lies he does not do it. And he keeps doing it. I get angry and frustrated and this frustration comes out in a day to day communication...i want to hurt him like he hurts me. Even though i do love him and often he is nice to me. But situation gets out of controll now. I can not pretend everything is allrite. And he can not stand my anger when it suddenly comes out in a!
differe
nt situation. So we are on the edge of breaking up. But we have a little girl and i want to save our relationship. Please give me some advise or comments on this if you could.

i married at 16 of age. my husband has done me this way now for 33 years. he will not change sweetie i know. my life has been unfulfilled, i have been broken and always will be, change yours

You're still young, brokenheart1- get out and make a new, better life. After 33 years don't you think you deserve it?

We almost have the same case before. I thought to go through RCIA (the process of converting to a Catholic) would make him change but I still found out that he is watching porn. I have been married for a year and 8 months. I have no hope that he will change. In fact learning that he is back again to that stuff reminds me of who he was when we were at early stage of our marriage. We always fight, he has a bad temper, no patience, always complajning. And sfor simple things he easily get mad..

So why do you stay?

if i have to tell and ask an advise from my dear friends back home, i guess they would ask me the same question. I guess i still love and care for him although deep inside im suffering. But its okay. Its not me whose gonna pay for it in the name of God.

But is the thought that your husband is possibly going to pay for his poor behaviour at some point in the probably far unspecified future enough to justify your suffering for all that time? If so, you must be a candidate for sainthood.

Sometimes "love" (I can't help but feel in your case it's more an obsession and an unconscious unwillingness to admit you've made a mistake in marrying this guy) isn't enough. If on reflection you feel you aren't willing to go through this suffering for years you would do better to get out now while you're still young and start over.

I hate to admit Collenn that there is so much more about this and so much more to consider and so much more to say. My husband is more than 20 years older than me. Even if we dont get to have sex lately, i guess its okay. I just leave everything to God. If he would threaten me again i guess that will be it.

He enjoys porn and masturbation because it's easy. There is no intimacy, effort or worrying about pleasing someone else. It's not you, it's him. Accept a lifetime of this or get out now.

My Husband is not interested in me but wants sex ..i feel am used only for sex. He says he loves me but from the beginning of our marriage he has no interest in me he has no topic to talk to me but i have seen him talking happily with other women as if they hadn't seen for ages. Even with his male friends he talks lot. But what he talks to me is ....did u had lunch, or had fud...he treats me like a strange.r he is interested in others but not in me. All he wants is sex. If I give him sex he stays till he gets it and after sex ask me to sleep in my room. if don't give him sex he has no time to spent with me. I feel like a real life prostitute. He never said me a truth. Eg..he is an add filim director...since marriage he said he has no contact number of any models....but his phone was full of girls phone numbers. And only a few male phone numbers. Which he claimed to be his childhood friends. I recently found out that it was of 50% to 40% models numbers. He never introduced me to any friends. And if there is any friends marriage he avoids me, saying who am i to come or that only he was called.When I ask he says its non of my business. I feel a stranger in his life. He always has explanation for what ever he does...

Once i saw a lady is friend when came to our house and when my husband and she was talking she touched my husband's thighs many times.. And she sits so close that i get irritated... When I asked him why he dint react . he said that it was her culture and that I was small hearted...he says its non my business. Am an Indian woman and my culture is not that. He goes in the morning for work comes back at 8pm , 12pm .and if c he comes early he goes to see his friends. He says he hardly sees them but he sees me daily , but he sees his friends daily....!!!! We never had a honeymoon trip in our life. But he enjoys his life. Goes for long trips with friends. I feel avoided and rejected he loves watching prone and he comments on other women's sexual part . he even commented about one of my cousin sister's breast. I feel offended . what should I do am 4 months pregnant too....

Well, getting pregnant was a big mistake, since you're not in a happy marriage. How long have you been married? What attracted you to him in the first place? Why do you think he married you? Why do you stay? What do you want out of life? You need to sit down (possibly with a counselor who can help you sort through your thoughts objectively) and decide what you want and how you will achieve that.

It doesn't look like your husband is inclined to change, since you have questioned him and been brushed aside. Only you can change. Don't make the mistake of hanging on in the hope things will improve. That will only waste more of your life. You need to either accept that this is the way it's always going to be, or end it and move on to something you'd prefer.

What a mess. Leave the bast@rd. Craziness. Was it an arranged marriage? Did he act differently prior to marriage? You are definitely being emotionally abused. Do you want your child to grow up in an atmosphere like that?

He's a pig he'll never stop. Divorce his slimy ass

They are damaged merchandise trade up. He did... at least he thinks. Trust me I know about this crap it gets worse not better. Move on

Someone say run.. and you should I should runed too. I am 19 years into my marriage and finally my confidence when to the toilet. I am in the process to finally walk away. I read your comment and I feel sorry for me.. I wish I had someone to told me to run away. Don't wait any longer because the way down in the future is going to worst. Blessings.

How has the counseling helped so far?