I have a pretty big rule in my marriage. NEVER say the "D" word. Once it's on the table....

I think clarity is crucial. I've met your husband before. I used to date him when I was 19 :) I was engaged to him at one time as well (my next boyfriend at 21). Then many years later I married him, (yet a different man) and had a baby. I finally divorced him.

Sooooo.... obviously it didn't work out for me. And historically I have had really bad taste in men. But here's what I learned:

1. be absolutely clear on what you are going to say. This will prevent him from being able to tangle you up in your feelings so that you sound unsure, and, well, crazy.

2. pick your moment carefully.

3. do it lovingly. do not attack.

4. admit your faults.

5. tell it straight.

Honey, can I talk to you for a minute? You remember the other day when I mentioned that I was upset that Ann broke our lunch date for the second time in a row? After we spoke about it I realized that what I really needed from you was for you to listen and empathize with me. I know that you want to fix my problems, but sometimes I just need you to listen. I know I didn't make that clear, and from now on I'm going to try to let you know what I need before telling you about a problem I'm having.

When he plays devil's advocate, perhaps try to "get out" of your funk and as jokingly, light as you can, say "hey, whose side are you on, anyway?".

If he tells you "it's not a big deal", tell him that you understand that he may feel that way, but you do think it's a big deal, and could he please help you work it out?

If he's not willing to deal with you when you are not being defensive or hysterical but are presenting him with your issues calmly and rationally, then he's just not that into you, or he really has no skills in relationship maintenance. In that case you can either drag his sorry butt to a counselor, which most likely will not work because IMO most counselors do not do good unless they are really good and the person going really wants to be there... or you can live with an emotional cripple, but at least you will know what you're dealing with, and you can take your personal issues to girlfriends rather than to him, or you can find a mate who will treat you like the queen you are, emotions and all.

I tried the first couple, and eventually ended up doing the last. And since my DH really wants me to be happy, he's willing to discuss just about anything with me, and help me work it out. And since he's willing to do that, I'm willing to drop my issue a lot faster and work through it quicker because I'm not having to defend myself and my thoughts every second. And because of both of those things, I am much happier and healthier. And I don't miss being called crazy at all.

"All I want is to be able to have a mature, healthy disagreement when one does come up."

This is SUCH an important skill to have in a marriage -- and I do mean SKILL.
It's a skill with definite rules that you both have to follow, and it's a skill you both can learn.
And as sound as Silversword's advice is, it won't work if only ONE of you is playing by the rules.
You can be the most diplomatic communicator in the world, but if your listener isn't ready or able to hear something they don't like, then 'Blammo!' -- you've started a fight.

A good counselor should be able to teach you both how to resolve conflicts positively.
And if you approach it as a positive 'marriage enhancing' exercise instead of a negative 'marriage counseling' or worse 'seeing a shrink because you're crazy or 'defective', you may be able to get your husband to agree.
You may also be able to find classes at your local community college or church on "Constructive Conflict Resolution" or something similar.

- I'd approach him when things are going well, and lead in with how much you love him and value your marriage and what a wonderful guy he is.
- Then say that you have a problem that's causing you to worry (he'll want to help you) and that you need his advice.
- Your problem is that you've noticed when the two of you disagree, that things either get burried (which can build up and cause resentment) or someone explodes, which is also hurtful.
- Have one or two examples ready if needed -- ideally a really trivial issue that exploded -- and be prepared to admit you were wrong in that case, even if you don't think so. (Your aim here is just to show him there's a problem.)
- Tell him how wonderful your relationship is, and how you'd hate for anything to come between you.
- Then give him a chance to suggest a solution.
- If he falters, tell him how hurt you were when he mentioned 'the D word' and that divorce is the absolute last thing you want. (At which point, he really should apologize and admit he was very wrong.)
- If he didn't suggest it, then bring up your idea (counselling or class) as a positive step and ask if he would be willing to go to help build a stronger relationship and ease your peace of mind.

Hope it works!

Thank you both for your comments. I think that's great advice to be clear on what I'm going to say, and do it lovingly. Also, to approach him when things are good, affirm him as being a wonderful husband, but say I want to discuss how we can do a better job communicating when we argue. Because the worst thing about these fights is feeling so misunderstood afterward. It's like he takes "the issue" and interprets it as me being totally mad at him across the board... either that or me being totally crazy/unreasonable across the board, which is not the case at all. (We'd be having a lot more issues more frequently if either one of those situations were the case.)

I've read some articles on passive aggressive behavior. Do you think that's it? Or at least part of it? He does a lot of avoiding, procrastination, and blaming which all seem to be characteristics. He is also a very positive /life is easy/ things are great type of person. (Something that attracted me to him to begin with, by the way!) But unfortunately, sometimes that over-positive outlook is a way of concealing his true emotions/avoiding conflict. I think if I told him that, by the way, he would either say it's not that he's too positive it's that I'm too negative, or that I'm WAY overanalyzing it. I wouldn't have to analyze it all, though, if we could just have a normal conversation about our personality differences. One where I admit that I could approach things better and where he admits that he shuts me off or tells me to get over it before I even have the chance to explain myself! Maybe we'll be able to make some progress in that area, with your suggestions. :)

Don't waste time thinking he is "concealing his true feelings" they don't care about stuff the way women do. The quickest way to see a guy's eyes glaze over is to tell him about a dispute you had with somebody else, or the details of anybody's life including yours --unless you play football.He doesn't want to discuss personality differences?
My husband's outlook on it is this: if a friend of his at the gym says"I'm getting a divorce". He would reply "are you finished with the weights?" The theory being that the guy didn't ask for advice, help or invite comments.
If a woman said to a friend "I'm getting a divorce" most women would ask everything from " is there somebody else" to advice on attorneys, etc.
Looking at it from another standpoint--I'll play golf but I am certainly not going to watch it or football on t.v. and cheer. Does that mean I have to change --and get excited about who is the leading scorer in some sport? No,
so if I don't have to go to watch baseball or listen to the Football games--great. I won't ask him to listen to my woes about not being picked as a bridesmaid or how somebody hurt my feelings. If I don't have to watch NFL, he doesn't have to watch Oprah and Dr. Phil. Vive la difference!