Husband wondering what marriage is like after 25 years?
mark2468
13 years ago
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asolo
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agomark2468
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
20 years of marriage and the future is bleak
Comments (32)Over 10 years ago I had to have a double mastectomy. When they originally went in there were not sure if it was cancer-turned out both breasts were completely full of pre-cancer. They removed all of the tissue (left my nipples-but scraped them). I had a friend who had also had to have this done and 2 year later she died from cancer of the ovaries. When I met my husband (we've been married less than 2 years) I was having problems with them leaking-common after about 10 years, and knew they would have to be replaced. WE married and he picked the surgeon (works with surgeons so said he knew the best). I had the surgery and I feel they look and feel better. This was a year ago this month. The only comments he has EVER made are painful. Such as; well you know you have a dent in this side, they are not the same side, they should have more projection, he should have done this... I think he could have done better....never one kind loving word. I have cried and cried and begged him for one kind word. Never. I have even explained to him that if he could look at me through the eyes of love maybe he would be able to say some thing nice. I know in the past relationships he had breasts are a biggie for him-bit I guess I didn't realize how big. I now cannot find it within my soul to have a physical relationship with him. Because when he does touch me (not very often) it just reminds me of what he has said and how he reacts to me when he walks in and I have my bra off. I feel ugly and hurt. Today he just left mad-because he says he doesn't understand why I don't want to have a physical relationship-after I explained to him how I feel and said I only think about MY feelings. Am I being unfair. Should I work at displacing my pain -what to do? I feel like I am old and ugly and just an object to take care of a need when he has one. (which is maybe once a month and it didn't start out that way)...what to do or think? Any thought's......See MoreHow do you stay connected after many years of marriage?
Comments (10)We're going on ten years this summer, so I don't know if I qualify to answer, but I'll do it anyway. :) One, make sure you cultivate at least one major interest that you can share and participate in frequently. Besides raising the kids, that is. Two, cultivate friendships with people in similar situations, and share friendships with those who aren't. What I mean is, it's wonderful for us to spend time with other couples with kids similar in age to ours, because we're dealing with the same issues, our kids can play together, and we encourage each other. DH has single guy friends too, but I consider them just as much my friends as his. So their issues are mine too and it's never them vs. me. Three, don't fall into the trap of believing that sex "isn't that important." Of course it is. Sex is never just a physical thing, after all. It's tied up with ego, self-esteem, emotional intimacy, and is a great indicator of how things are going otherwise. Four, don't get caught up in dramatics. Always think of the outcome before the process. If you're angry, think first of the result you want before reacting. Five, and perhaps the most important - remember that your spouse is not psychic, and that he/she may forget things. If you want jewelry for your birthday, tell him. If you want him to put the kids to bed when you're tired, tell him. Don't expect him to "just know" that you wanted jewelry because you saw an ad and said "that's pretty", and don't expect him to "just know" you're too tired to tackle bedtime and be generous enough to volunteer. Don't be resentful when he doesn't pick up your cues. Yes, he may be ignoring them on purpose, but so what? Make demands. Six: Pick your battles. Sure, it may bother you to no end that he won't put his underwear in the laundry hamper twelve inches away from where he drops them, but is it really that important in the long run? Hm...that's a good question ;-)...See Moremy husband is unhappy, what can i do to save our marriage?
Comments (9)OK. Let's guess what he might be thinking/feeling. He made a lady pregnant and married young. During the infactuation phase, everything seemed ok, except he had a little nagging doubt sitting on his shoulder. Now, he 20 yr old and thinks, what have I done? Have I chose the right one? Will I be happy 10 yrs from now? The soul fire has gone out lately and I think that I could be more attacted and turned on by someone else. But, how can I call it quits and start over with a child. I feel trapped; I'm unhappy about it. Notice there is alot of "me" and "I" centered stuff in the above paragraph. He'll never be happy until he passes into a different phase where he thinks, "She's pretty good; Good looking, too. She a wonderful mother. I wonder if I could turn her into a tiger in bed? How could I give her a mini-vacation? The other possibility is that he is scared witless about the prospect of having another child. He sees the financial burden as too great for his career to support. The though of heavy responsibility can turn down the flame. Older men who are experienced and well extablished in the job world are more confortable with this, but for guys these days with the changed economy, that does not happen until they are in their 30s. Some men do well with the challenge of responsibility, while others wilt. If he's concerned about fathering another child, he and his wife should consult with a doctor about medical procedures that can insure no more children. In this case, it should be him that undergoes a procedure if that's what he wants. The woman should remain fertile just in case the marriage breaks apart anyway in the near future. He needs to consult with a therapist who can point out the positives in his wife and give him ideas of how to capitalize on this. The sex part will heal itself after he gains a better feeling and sureness about the relationship. Some therapists will "test" the relationship to reveal strengths and weaknesses. That would be a disaster in this case. Choose a therapist who looks for the positives and then works with those. This man needs assurance that 10 years down the road, he'll be happy with his mate, and will feel that it was a wise choice. Sure, there are others in existance that can be a sexual turn-on, but then, if the wife is too, isn't that the better situation? Those other side infatuations can have big, unknown negatives as well. Somehow, he needs to get past the age of 40....See MoreMy husband doesn't like my adult son.
Comments (20)I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!...See Moreasolo
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