many years of marriage

17 years ago

Well,tomorrow we've been married 42 years and I know George and Leone have an anniversary on Wednesday and they have us beat. There is something very comforting about being with a spouse for a long long time. I remember the years of never knowing exactly what to expect because it was still so new and much time was spent adjusting,compromising,evening out some rough patches,and rejoicing in the pleasant surprises of marriage and all it had to offer in those early years. Now the rough patches are less so because we know how to tackle them together.I know what makes him happy and what makes him not so happy in things that arise on a day to day basis,I know what foods he loves and which ones he doesn't and when I experiment in the kitchen,I can almost guess how he will react. I like our marriage and what it has become. In the long ago past there were times I just wanted to say,"oh poop,this isn't worth all that work." Heck..it sounds as if this whole post is about gardening too,doesn't it? Maybe marriage really is like a big old garden...some you tend and keep at it until it turns out pretty well,and others you finally just plow under because you know it won't work.

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Comments (18)

shilty
17 years ago
Congratulations!

Hubby and i will be a pair 42 years this August. I agree with all you've said.

s
Josh
17 years ago
47 years here ...and Marda, there were times when a divorce seemed just a tad more trouble than staying and working through it...LOL

It's still a work in progress. He just got a snippy "put it on calendar" when he interrupted my zen-like communion with my plants as I circled the living room watering with mention of a dental appointment. But I had made his favorite Croque Monseur (I know that's not spelled right!) for breakfast because earlier this morn I had a silly grin on my face while discarding the Wisteria and Spirea bouquet he had gathered earlier this week. LOL And so it goes...josh
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Another ditto for Shilty's post. Hold my virtual hand, and read it again. And acknowledging that you will probably feel *guilty* -- they've likely been piling the guilt onto you all of your life. Sweetly possibly, but relentlessly. Please don't feel that way. They do not have the right to inflict guilt-causes onto you, and you shouldn't accept that it is okay for them to do so. Also acknowledging that you are/may be influenced by your religion to think/believe that caring for parents is a duty. Especially, is *your* duty. Been there, done that, won't do it again, and won't permit my descendents to feel that way. Love is NOT about controlling others and it is NOT about requiring others to serve/care for/live for you and it most especially is not about expecting others to do for you just because they are related. Do NOT sign any thing presented by any relative -- and that includes your mom -- or their lawyers. If you haven't already, close this computer and get yourself to SSI.... now! If they aren't open, start your search for a lawyer... you need one even if everything is okay in your life, and you need one even more when everything is not okay.
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Unfortunately, I don't know which government department to contact. I am in Toronto and have occasionally seen public service ads on TV - as well as references to it on another Canadian forum. I think if you look at the Ontario Government Website - and also the Legal Aid website for the area you live in you should be able to find out who to contact. If all else fails, you may have to find a small law farm and have an initial consultation. Based on your husband's behaviour I think that this would be your best option. Or, perhaps just call the Ontario government general office and ask who you should speak with. You might ask at your bank if they know who you should contact. While they cannot legally give you any information on the bank account since it is in your husband's name only, you will hopefully be able to speak with someone who will have sympathy for your situation - and they have seen it all before. I would start with the manager. Or maybe even call the head office of your husband's bank and ask someone there - that way if your husband has a special relationship with his bank he will not be alerted that you are taking action. Another possibility is to contact a a centre for abused women - they know all about these things. I come from a similar background (childhood, not current marital situation) so this would be worth a try. I really think you need to do this - otherwise you will be in serious trouble - and not only if your husband dies. I am assuming that your home, if you own it, is in both of your names - and that he can't sell it out from under you without your signature - but it has been done before - forgery. I wish you the best of luck. One thing for certain is that if the worst happens, you will be blamed for putting up with his nonsense.
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My honest opinion is that your wife is not in love with you anymore (if she ever was) and is only staying with you "because of the children". Let's look at the facts; she shows no interest in you whatsoever (physically, sexually) and doesn't even want to sleep with you or spend any time with you. She told you straight out that you were third in the list of her priorities. She is making excuses as to why she won't have sex with you because she doesn't want to admit to the real reason. I think she wants you to stay around as long as the kids are still at home. The biggest indicator of all is that she will not attend marital counseling with you!! She obviously knows you aren't happy and are trying to work on the marriage, yet she is only willing to placate you by going to individual counseling. Not that she doesn't need that too, but the problems are with the marriage, yet she straight up is refusing to do maybe the only thing that would save the marriage. No matter what the reason is for the problem, the fact that she is unwilling to try and fix it clearly demonstrates how important the relationship is to her. I think you are too young to be spending your life in a "relationship" with someone who basically wants nothing to do with you. Nobody should have to endure a marriage where they are having sex a couple of times a year (unless both partners are fine with that arrangement) or when one partner obviously has no interest in the other. I think that unless she agrees to actually go to Marriage Counseling, with YOU, and talk about what is going on here, then don't bother. Why should you try if she isn't going to. Go find someone who is madly in love with you and wants to cuddle with you, have sex with you, spend time with you, and will communicate openly about problems when they come in your relationship.
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I feel compelled to give you all an update. We talked some more today and she told me that part of the reason that she married me was to get out of her bad situation at home. She also told me that she would do anything for the kids but maybe not for me. The cincher she told me that we have nothing in common and the she thinks she may just want to live alone. She doesn't have a great relationship with her family, but what I noticed today is that we weren't sad talking about ending the marriage or anything like that. It was like planning a trip or something. It was very weird. As crazy as this sounds, I have always had to take care of her as well as the kids so I keep thinking that I need to fix this as well. Until today. I told her to make a decision and tell me how she feels and what she wants to do. I think it will probably end I just need to see a divorce lawyer and start to learn more about what I need to do. It's time for me....I'm tired of taking care of everyone else....may sound arrogant...but I'm exhausted and not going to stay with someone that doesn't want me around. I told her that there are times that I see her looking at me in disgust...she said sometimes she does. Being alone and enjoing my kids is better than wasting my time taking care of someone that doesn't want me around. I hope I meet someone too that wants to laugh, travel and enjoy life. Life isn't very enjoying to me right now and all the counseling in the world won't make me forget what she said to me. Take care everyone and thanks for all your advice.
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Pidge
17 years ago
Congratulations, Marda. That's a wonderful milestone and, being in my 52nd year of marriage to my "starter" husband, I can pretty much agree with everything you say. There comes a time when one simply settles into a comfort zone of gratitude for not only surviving it all, but also knowing that it's been a good journey.

Josh, you are right that it's always a "work in progree." Just when I think I have it all under control, up pops an issue that needs resolution. It's just how life goes.
andie_rathbone
17 years ago
We've "only" been married 33 years, so congratulations on anniversary #42. And yes, after all those years you've pretty much learned to accept one another's quirks & habits. There's a lot to be said for having a comfortable arm next to yours to help you out on life's journey.
blueheron
17 years ago
I am in Pidge's group - 51 years. And I can say I would do it all over again. I think I got a keeper! LOL!

And when we started out, we first lived in an apartment, then graduated to a semi-detached house and finally, a single home. Now, it seems they want the McMansion right away.

I worked full time until my daughter was born. Then, when she was in school, I worked part-time at a local college where I could walk to work. It was ideal. We never had lots of money, but we have a good life. (Thank God for Medicare! LOL!)

I wish all of you long and happy marriages.
tibs
17 years ago
Wow, I like this site, makes me feel like a spring chicken. Will only be celebrating our 26th.
ell_in_or
17 years ago
I must be a pup then! We'll be married 16 years in August. I surely have a keeper. He's wonderful. It's great to know that someone's always got your back.
treehouse
17 years ago
Marda, you are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jan
gmatx zone 6
17 years ago
To all the above posters, congratulations! Yes, marriage is always a work in progress and as Marda said, "Maybe marriage really is like a big old garden...some you tend and keep at it until it turns out pretty well,and others you finally just plow under because you know it won't work."

We'll celebrate 43 years in September. Seems like we finished raising each other, and now we look forward to the love, comfort and companionship as we finish up our time on earth with each other. Many in our generation have not been so lucky.

Mary
chipmary
17 years ago
Well done Marda...
Spouse & I are still hanging in there, though these past 2 years seem like the "poop" years lol. 42 year hmmm, you must have married when you were 12??
Mary
minnie_tx
17 years ago
Congrats mwoods. I've been alone that long. I think it is wonderful when couples stay together and work things out.
lilod
17 years ago
Congratulations, Marda - DH and I had 44 years together when he departed 16 years ago. We had our ups and downs, but it often balanced out just right, me of the "cup half full" and he of the "cup half empty".
mawheel
17 years ago
Please add my congratulations on your 42nd anniversary to all of those already posted. I, too, agree with everything everyone has said. My husband and I will be married 56 years next September. At this stage of our lives - mid 70s - we truly treasure each other, the good and the bad and the ups and downs. We have two granddaughters who have each been married five years and we sincerely hope and pray they will be among those who stay together for the long haul.
jazmynsmom
17 years ago
Congratulations to all of you! This is huge!

I doubt we'll ever make the higher milestone anniversaries... not because anything will pull us apart, but because Steve will be 96 on our 50th. Not impossible, but I can't imagine him being in any shape for a party when it happens either! But the probable lack of quantity is more than made up for by the quality. I celebrate the milestones of folks like you who manage both!
husky004_
17 years ago
35 years in September...as everyone has said ups and downs etc...still boils down to compromise...he drives me nuts at times as I'm sure I do him...but when the chips are down and I need a rock he is there as I hope I am for him...a wonderful husband, friend and father that's all I could ask for.
Janis_G
17 years ago
Marda, I missed your anniversary. :0(
I wish you many more to celebrate and above that
I wish you good health and much much love.
kathyjane
17 years ago
Happy Anniversary, Marda!!!
It must feel good, like a comfortable house, with long-known aromas belonging to different sections--
--yet they're all part of the whole and that helps make it a HOME.
firstkim
17 years ago
Heartfelt congratulations (tinged with more than a little envy) to all of you who have lasted so long in your marriages. I'm starting back at "GO" again, and given our ages and family medical histories I'll consider 25 years an achievement (assuming I've managed to get it right this time).

Marda and Mr. Marda, George and Leone, I hope you had very happy anniversary celebrations and continue to have many more.

many years of marriage

Comments (18)

shilty

Josh

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