Can my marriage work when his Ex after 8 years has not let go?

17 years ago

I truly do not know if I need to do anything differently? Or is this the norm with step-family? Or am I in a lose-lose battle? I always believed when he would tell me all would be okay and will get better. Been married less than 2 years, he was divorced for 8 years and they have 3-daughters. The Ex constantly would call with minor issues and most of the time non relating to the kids. Then when the kids are over for the weekend she calls 3-4 times per day and is asking questions for facts about what we are all doing, etc. She is not supportive of me gaining and earning a bond with the daughters and constantly looks for ways to twist my actions. This after two years has resulted in no stronger connection with the kids, her still calling my husband about any minor issues daily, and also forwarded emails to let me know how she and the daughters want their family back and that she still loves her ex-husband...my husband now. When I have turned to him for help in building a life for us all and bridging the kids and I regardless if his ex-spouse it just seems difficult for him. He always fears that she will make it harder for him to keep a relationship with the kids as she has done this before. I truly am not sure what to do and it has just drained my marriage and has brought strife in my household for months now.

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Comments (5)

imamommy
17 years ago
Grace,

If you allow her to cause problems with you and your husband, she will. If he allows her calls to cause problems between you and him, and he chooses to continue taking her 'non child related' calls then the problem is HIM. I can understand how he feels if she might make things difficult for him so he is trying to keep the peace. My mom never let go and my dad was the one that had to lay down the law to her. She still hasn't let go completely but she knows that certain things are unacceptable. He's the only one that can tell her and if he feels it could affect seeing his kids, I would try to be more understanding. The fact that she wants him back and still loves him has nothing to do with how HE feels. He's obviously moved on and married to you. It's probably a tough position for him to be in. I was almost 18 when my dad remarried so he probably never felt he could lose his kids, most of us were old enough to see him on our own. and of course, I felt loyalty to my mom so it did affect my relationship with my dad, even as a young adult. I imagine it would be much harder for a younger child.

The best advice I could give is work on being supportive of your husband. If he can't refuse to take her calls, know that he has a good reason. His kids. When her calls are excessive, maybe turn off the phone so it doesn't interrupt your time together. Ignore her emails. Of course the daughters want their family together. They are kids, no surprise there. What she wants is irrelevant, he is remarried and as long as he doesn't want to go back, it doesn't matter what she wants. Don't put the pressure of your relationship to his kids on your husband. It's up to you to form your own relationship with the kids. If they are not open to it or tell you what their mom says, simply let them know you are sorry their mom feels that way but you want to get to know them, have a good relationship with them, etc. Don't force it, it takes time & patience. It will also depend on the ages of the kids and how loyal they are to their mom. If they have been divorced for 8 years, I assume they are tweens/teens and that is a difficult time for kids ANYWAYS.... let alone during a remarriage that mom is upset over.
colleen777
17 years ago
Hey Gracie, welcome to the gardenweb stepparent site.

Right off I would say your husband should be putting a stop to the emails from his ex saying she wants the family back together. She had eight years of divorce to think about reconciliation.

Also the girls must be teenagers by now and mom certainly doesn't have to call 4 times a day to find out what you are all up to. That's just snoopy and intrusive. It seems to me they are old enough that she doesn't have to call even once on a weekend. YEESH.

Have they developed friendships and activities at your house?

Unfortunately yes a bitter ex who refuses to move on can cause a great deal of grief for your husband and yourself and the girls.

Did your husband spend a lot of time with her before you two married? He is the one who has to put a stop to the unnecessary contamination of your well being through invasion into your privacy.

You can also tell her you have no interest in receiving emails from her anymore unless it is directly related to the children. If you can, block her.

Don't ever try to be mother because that will raise her hackles so high you will be in for a battle. It seems to me that you aren't trying to do that, so it won't be a problem.

Since you are just new here, I would recommend going through the many posts here that will provide you with valuable insight into similar situations.

Also if you could provide more information ages of children, etc that would help.

Take good care of yourself and welcome again:)
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junegemstar
17 years ago
Wow, I didn't like this post at ALL. Nothing against the OP, just sounds a bit too much like my situation.

I had the same problem, just no where near as bad. BM used to call 5-6 times a day, always wanted DH to go to her house so they can "talk" (scream-fest), tells the kids that she wishes daddy would come home, even praying nightly for it (the last 2 items still occur). For the first 3-4 months or so, I let it ride. I thought that it would get better once everyone got used to the situation. Nope.
For me, I had to put my foot down. I'm not one for ultimatums, so I told him to call when he was ready to be in a relationship with ME. He had also thought that he HAD to do all these things to keep BM happy, so she wouldn't use the kids against her. All that did was encourage her manipulations, and they got worse. It became a situation where she was "punishing" him for all his alleged wrong-doing.
One day, he told her ENOUGH. He would not keep doing for her, they were not a couple anymore, and she needed to stop depending on him for everything (not having to do with the kids). She blew her lid. She kept the kids away for 3 months. He filed for visitation, and the judge in their case ripped BM a new one for being an obstacle in DH's relationship with the kids. We didn't have that problem after that. If BM did try to act up and keep them away, he'd show up on her doorstep with the police. No more problem.

Standing up to BM may mean that things are chaotic for a while, but they do calm down. But your DH really has to find his backbone. He is allowed to live his life without answering to his ex.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
You don't have an ex-wife problem;
you have a husband problem.

As Princess Diana once said, marriage is a bit crowded with 3 people in it, &, like you, she was fighting a battle in which she had no allies.

If your hubs wants to be your hubs, he needs to get out of the marriage he has with his children's mother.

I'm sorry.

I wish you the best.
stepmomofthree
17 years ago
We have this problem - and it would be much worse if we hadn't set some boundaries.

Firstly, your husband needs to see you as his parenting partner. I recommend that you get the book Stepcoupling and read it together. It helped our marriage a great deal.

Your husband may feel a need to take her calls (mine does) but he has to learn to respond to her by saying "I need to talk this over with my wife". That will send a strong message that you are his parenting partner, not her. Similarly, if she sends him an e-mail with questions about the kids' activities or schedules, he should respond by ccing you and saying that you'll discuss it together and get back to her.

As for the phone - it's your house and your phone. I used to hate the phone - until I learned to turn it off during dinner and family activities. It's calmed the phone monster. Get voicemail and return the calls at an appropriate time.

Talk to your husband about planning family activities during your time with the kids. Take lots of photos. We have one of those digital photo frames in our kitchen and we replay the photos of our activities.

Most of all, don't let this destroy the intimacy between you. Take a weekend away, go out for dinner. Have some "no ex" evenings. Your marriage is the foundation of your family and you need to nurture it.

Can my marriage work when his Ex after 8 years has not let go?

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imamommy

colleen777

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