Husband treats me like crap! How do i stop it?

13 years ago

My Husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He started treated me like he just does not love me or just does not care about me. he never tells me he loves me, kisses me, hugs me, tells me im beautiful. nothing unless i say something to him first then he will tell me he loves me or when i ask for a kiss sometimes he tells me no or im playing a game on my phone right now every time i call him he tells me he is busy and he can not answer but he will text if he does answer the the phone he will only talk for a sec and seemed really annoyed that i called him. he starts fights with me almost everyday he does not even talk to me he treats me like crap tells me im worthless. if i tell him im going to leave and i walk out the door he turns my phone off cancels my car insurance. i just can't deal with it anymore im nine months pregnant and i have nothing thats why i dont leave because he didnt want me to work so i depend on him for everything i just dont know what to do anymore i cant handle it. i cry all the time he does not even care if i cry he just ignores me. he will literally go all day with out talking to me unless i ask him something and he has to answer or sometimes he will act like he did not hear me. please give me advice i just cant take it anymore. even if i try to talk to him about how i feel he brushes it off or he makes me feel like everything is my fault so i end up apologizing to him. im just so sick of it. please help

Featured Answer

colleenoz

10 years ago

I can guarantee your son will get upset with you if you insist on bringing him up in a abusive household. Don't let your son grow up believing that the way men behave is to abuse their women. What is best for him is to grow up in a loving environment.

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Comments (70)

miya_teres
11 years ago
he is either cheating or avoiding to physically abuse u because u r pregnant. Guys change after having kids. My sisters 2nd baby daddy started cheating and beating her and doing things to my nieces after she had her first kid by him. Now he's got her hooked on drugs. It's bad. Just get out of the relationship fast
whatsbest
10 years ago
This is the same as my story except that i have a 2 year old baby boy and i couldn't descide what is best for him. I am afraid that he might gate upset with me some day if leave to his dady. Sometimes i feel like loosing my mind.
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Posted by Eden7 SE USA on Sat, Jul 20, 02 at 14:31 I was making salsa and cut up a habenero..one little one :) and now my hands are on FIRE!!! Is there anyway to stop the burning ??? Yeah I know...next time wear gloves LOL!! Posted by: RetroDame z9 FL on Sat, Jul 20, 02 at 14:59 Milk helped the time that I got pepper oil in my eye. (ouch! Never, NEVER rub your eyes while you are making chili!) Maybe soaking in milk would help your hands? Either that, or a quick dip in some rubbing alcohol or vodka. Let me know if it works. Lara Posted by: Byron 4a/5b NH on Sat, Jul 20, 02 at 15:26 Automotive waterless handcleaner, vegetable oil, tomato juice. Wear gloves. Posted by: Taba z5b MO on Sat, Jul 20, 02 at 18:54 Ouch. Rubbing alcohol is supposed to cut the oil, then follow that with a lotion or ointment. Bag Balm is a great skin balm if you have it. In general, use alcohol products to kill the burn externally, and milk products internally. The milk might help externally, too. Posted by: NorthEast_ChileMan 6a MA on Sun, Jul 21, 02 at 8:47 I remember reading someplace that rubbing WD-40 on your hands works. Posted by: pikkle 6 on Sun, Jul 21, 02 at 11:13 Wear gloves Posted by: Structure0 Ames, Iowa on Sun, Jul 21, 02 at 17:51 The best solution is to use gloves, but a bleach and water solution is the only one I know of that will neutralize capsicum. Not recommended for eyes though...so don't rub them whatever you do... Posted by: dwalls 7 AR on Mon, Jul 22, 02 at 12:09 Yes, Chlorine Bleach - full strength will cut the capsaicin. It's hard to rinse off the bleach, but it will work. Donnie Posted by: Taba z5b MO on Mon, Jul 22, 02 at 14:09 A friend of mine is a cancer specialist (since 1970s and constantly speaks at medical conferences) and he saw me using chlorine without gloves once and was horrified. He believes chlorine (bleach) and many other household chemicals are general health hazards even on the skin so recommends gloves for everything. Not sure if it's true but I no longer use chlorine, gasoline, or other harsh chemicals without gloves. So if you try to keep things as healthy as possible, you might try the rubbing alcohol before the bleach. Posted by: Cajun2 z 7b/8a - FW TX on Mon, Jul 22, 02 at 15:47 Benedryl. It can be (and might be) an allergic reaction. I did this once with mild pablano chiles, making green chili and thought I'd DIE before I got relief. I finally ended up calling Poison Control (after calling Mom, the hospital ER, and 911). It worked! (and I'd tried almost all of the above (except the bleach), along with ice, anti-bacterial soap, and a few other things) Benedryl also makes a topical ointment. I keep both on hand. Posted by: Eden7 SE USA on Mon, Jul 22, 02 at 17:44 Thanks all. I am printing all these remedys out in case there is a next time LOL Peppers usually don't bother me but that habenero really burns and it lasts a long time. I tried washing my hands in Dawn diswashing liquid...nothing I put vinegar on them..only short term relief. I finally just put ice in a ziploc bag and held it till my hands were numb. It took about 8-10 hours for the burning to quit and this was a teeny tiny hab about the size of a nickle. I am buying plastic gloves today when I go to town Thanks again everyone Posted by: chirple 9 Ca on Sun, Jul 28, 02 at 22:47 I have an employee who makes chile often, she told me that if your hands burn, just rub them through your hair and it will go away. Haven't had a chance to test it yet though. Posted by: dwalls 7 AR on Mon, Jul 29, 02 at 8:17 I don't think so, Chirple. Hmm. Hunan hair. That would be a good way to really tick off your hairstylist. LOL Donnie Posted by: LatenightGoddess 5Il on Wed, Sep 4, 02 at 1:33 should have known better myself.... wont go in to the whole idiotic how i got to the point but my fingers are/were burning bad! so far without going into the bleach, i did a combo of lemon juice, alcohol rub, vinegar water soak. they all helped a little, but what i did was pretty bad. boy are my hands going to look rough tomorrow. i cant believe i almost forgot about the garden web! shame on me!what would i do without you guys???):C??? Posted by: NathanS WA Aust on Wed, Sep 4, 02 at 3:33 The only reason why rubbing your hands through the hair may help is the oil in the hair. I believe capsicum is oil based (that's why water doesn't offer much relief). To me something like vegetable oil would make sense. And I know from experience milk helps, even externally... I once had a parcel with Dave's Ultimate Insanity in it. Little did I know one of the bottles had smashed during delivery, and I ended up getting some on my hands when opening it. Even the next day the skin was red from where the sauce had burnt it. :O Posted by: John__ShowMe__USA 5 on Wed, Sep 4, 02 at 8:21 These disposable gloves work quite well. 25/$1.49 [picture of Tidy Hands gloves] JohnT Posted by: Nelz z5 NW PA on Sat, Sep 7, 02 at 1:05 For those of you that recommended chlorine bleach; 1 piece of advice. Read the warning label on this stuffe. Please. It may cut (see next sentence) the capsaicin, but then it will eat the rest of the skin off your already burnt and oversensitive hands. You would have to show me some controlled study regarding cutting capsaicin, not just antecdotal evidence. 1 question. If you think the bleach idea is the way to go, would you consider putting your hands in the stuff? I would hope not! I agree with Taba's friend regarding chlorine bleach and household checmicals. If they are bad for the skin, what are they doing to our (not mine, I don't use them) mucous membranes, and our environment. I have read many studies over the past 15 years pointing to increases in specific types of cancers being related to continued exposure to 'normal' levels of various household chemicals. The numbers and studies escape me now, but they were in the 10%-30% range, and one was 40% regarding chlorine and intestinal cancer. It startled me enough to swear them off, and I have found natural alternatives for everything. I've yet to experience this on my whole hands, but I'm sure I will sometime. I have done the eye thing though, thought it was safe to wipe just above the eye lid. Appearently our skin is porous, and the eyelid thin. Lot's of eye drops and flushes. I was thinking Go-Jo that garages have to clean oil and grease off hands. Just squirt, rub it in, wipe off on a rag, no water necessary. Bleach on skin, please. Not just skin, but already burning skin, double please! Ken Posted by: NathanS WA Aust on Mon, Sep 9, 02 at 3:43 Thanks for giving me some ammo to get out of some house work Ken :) Just got to hide the gloves first... Posted by: TrentTheThief z6 NJ on Thu, Sep 12, 02 at 15:25 I foolishly picked some wild peppers once while tooling through the jungle and stuffed them in my cargo pocket thinking to make chili with them. Silly me. I ended up in sick bay with huge blisters on my leg. The corpsman used alchohol to clean them and then slathered burn lotion over them. I don't know what kind it was, but it worked. I don't put peppers in pockets anymore. Posted by: Structure0 5 Ames, Iowa on Thu, Sep 12, 02 at 19:11 I put my hands in bleach all the time. (I use it for various household cleaning tasks and disinfecting duties related to canning, beer making, cheese making, etc.) I do keep them away from full strength bleach. They are just fine. And no my skin isn't wrinkled, spotted, etc. Its great if you want to be careful and avoid household chemicals. Just don't imagine that all of us have the same sensitivities. I also know for a FACT that using a bleach mixture like Clorox Clean Up will remove capsaicin from both human skin and tools such as knifes, cutting boards, etc. I've processed large quantities of habanero chile before when I was part owner of a hot sauce company. Gloves or no gloves, there were times we had to use this. Also note that capsaicin does not, repeat DOES NOT, burn your skin. It may feel like it, but it isn't actually burning you. Thus washing with a bleach solution won't cause you any pain. And no, nobody should use bleach on their eyes, mouth, etc. I hope that is obvious. Of course, as pointed out at the start of this thread, the best idea is gloves. But when you have an emergency you have an emergency, and a brief exposure to a bleach solution once or twice isn't gonna kill you. Certainly not any faster than bad diet, lack of exercise, excessive alcohol consumption, etc. :) As for the environment. Absolutly. We should all avoid the use of as many chemicals as we can. I make most of my contribution though by riding the bus everyday, and doing most of my other trips by bike. Even when its has meant riding on ice. :) Posted by: annie1992 Z5 MI on Sat, Sep 14, 02 at 15:24 I know it's no consolation, Eden7, but a friend of mine brought me a couple dozen little habaneros yesterday. I have a really not bright secretary, who bet she could eat one, whole and raw. She took the first bite, chewed, swallowed, and I'll be darned if she didn't then take the second bite, chewed, swallowed, smiled (sweated and turned red). When my friend left, the secretary went to the bathroom and thew up, then went to the pharmacy for milk of magnesia, tums, Immodium, Emetrol, and about 4 other things. She was sick all day....I'll bet she still feels lousy. Posted by: peppermania Z9 Texas on Wed, Jan 1, 03 at 20:10 I wish all my Chilehead buds the VERY best in 2003 and an awesome chile garden to boot! Beth in Texas PS: About the burn, I started using Evelyn & Crabtree Gardeners Scrub and Lotion Combo I had received as a gift earlier this year. It works GREAT for breaking down the CAP! Smooths the hand too! Might be pricey, but it's worth it, at least to me. Posted by: mirandy z7b AR on Wed, Feb 26, 03 at 9:04 Mom always used Pet Evaporated milk, full strength. It worked. A small can costs less than fifty cents! Doesn't hurt to drink it straight from the can either--I should know as we kids were always up to the next "Hottest" challange. Works on the exterior of the body as well. Posted by: NCTomatoman z7 NC on Wed, Feb 26, 03 at 11:18 Bleach is the only thing I found that worked, but I use it only when in extreme discomfort (like the year I grew out and saved seeds from 20 different Chinense types!). Craig Posted by: Taba z5b MO on Wed, Feb 26, 03 at 23:45 I recently used yogurt (again) topically for chile burn. Not exactly pretty, but it helped. Reduced my dessert by a bit, tho. hehehe. Posted by: Taba z5b MO on Fri, Apr 18, 03 at 0:44 I just ground more habs a week ago and breathed in the dust AGAIN (don't ask me why). I think I felt my lungs dissolving. Had to wear the lovely yogurt facemask again around my mouth and nose. LOL! Posted by: TMFU on Fri, Apr 18, 03 at 12:02 I've never had my hands burn, but have accidently touched my eyes after washing my hands several times. Since that one time, here is what I do... I wash my hands very well with dish soap and water, dry them with a paper towel. Next I rinse my hands again with lemon juice... This seems to work... I've never accedently gotten the old hot pepper eye since using the lemon juice after a good washing. Boiling habaneros in hot water gives off some really almost toxic steam. On a couple ocasions I've done this and basicly everyone in the house was mad at me for a long time afterword. Posted by: vieja z7NM on Mon, Apr 21, 03 at 0:00 My mother-in-law rubs her hands with either milk or table salt; ....me?: I make hubby take care of his Mucho Nacho and Biker Billy jalapeños! Posted by: bluerepper on Mon, Apr 21, 03 at 8:26 Plunge them burnin digits down your trousers and rub, rub, rub! I promise you wont notice your burning hands anymore!! ;0) Posted by: Catrina z4b WI on Tue, Apr 22, 03 at 9:23 If you are going to do a lot of chili's your hands can start burning even if you are wearing gloves. I where double gloves not if I have a lot. If you are wearing gloves even if your hands aren't burning you can still have some on your hands when you take off the gloves. So, even if you wore gloves and the hands feel ok still don't touch your face. remember the knife and the cutting board have the stuff on too. Bleach works, but so does milk. With the milk you have to leave your hands in it though, not just rinse. I tried the yogert when I got it on my face and I thought it helped and its safe to put around your eyes. Posted by: GreenDemon z5 MA on Tue, Apr 22, 03 at 11:04 I have a similar problem with crushed pepper I made from Thai Dragons. This stuff is lethal -- like mace. When I shake it on a dish, I have to hold my breath and close my eyes, else my senses enter a new dimension of torture. But it tastes good... Posted by: boxturtlemexican on Fri, Apr 25, 03 at 8:20 I found this discussion while searching the web for suggestions on how to wash hot pepper oil off my hands (the need was immediate - I had just finely chopped many serranos and jalapeños for pico de gallo ). I tried the rubbing alcohol suggestion (I soaked my fingers in a small bowl of it while scrolling thru all of the suggestions above). It really did work! Posted by: BARSTOWGARDEN 9SoCAnoDesrt ) on Fri, Apr 25, 03 at 8:34 I prefer the alcohol method also, but use the intermal method(hic) Posted by: plants1010 z6 WA on Fri, May 16, 03 at 15:07 Its good to hear the isopropyl alcohol soak actually works, I always assumed it would but never tested to make sure- kind of rough on the skin though. Did you use the cheaper less irritating/drying 70% type? Acetone or MEK would work MUCH better but they are pretty toxic and they are absorbed through the skin. Naturally one should never, ever, ever, ever use DMSO!!!! Posted by: John__ShowMe__USA 5 on Fri, May 16, 03 at 15:18 > Naturally one should never, ever, ever, ever use DMSO!!!! Why not? I still reminisce about the resulting garlic taste in my mouth. Am I doomed to die? JohnT Posted by: plants1010 z6 WA on Fri, May 16, 03 at 15:51 DMSO takes anything on your skin (or in the DMSO) and injects it directly into your tissues and veins- imagine injecting habanero oil into your flesh, and you thought hunan hand was bad!!! If a chile head washes their hands with DMSO they should expect pain intense enough to cause delusion, hallucination, and unconciousness followed by their hands swelling to the size of a watermelon (that sure would be a good way to baffle the ER doctors, they would probably be looking for a snake bite while your hallucinating giant habanero deamons setting your arms on fire with napalm). Posted by: John__ShowMe__USA 5 on Fri, May 16, 03 at 16:04 > ...they would probably be looking for a snake bite while your hallucinating giant habanero deamons setting your arms on fire with napalm). Cool! I think I'm having a flashback. DMSO was sold as a muscle pain releiver maybe 20-30 years ago. Maybe something was added to it? Can't remember how to spell it, but was something like dimethyl sulfoxide. I still remember the resulting garlic taste in my mouth after rubbing it on. JohnT Posted by: fire_bear on Fri, May 16, 03 at 16:15 Been there, done that! Ethyl alcohol works! No, don't wash your hands with it - drink it and go to bed! All kidding aside, unlike mucous membranes whose nerve endings are at or very near the surface, the tougher and thicker skin of the hands has its nerve endings several layers down. So, if your hands are burning it means the capsaicin has alreay penetrated too deeply to wash it away and your best bet is to suppress the central nervous system and chalk it up to experience - live to play another day, a wiser and more cautious chile-head! Almost any organic solvent will remove the residual capsaicin from the skin surface and prevent its accidental spread to other, ahem, sensitive areas (especially those belonging to your spouse!), but this will do little for the afflicted area and amounts to closing the barn after the horse is out. YMMV Posted by: Juzen z7 Germany on Sat, May 17, 03 at 6:13 >"DMSO was sold as a muscle pain releiver maybe 20-30 years ago. Maybe something was added to it? Can't remember how to spell it, but was something like dimethyl sulfoxide" As "plants1010" said: DMSO (dimethyl-sulfoxide formula: (CH3)2=SO) is used as a nontoxic (as far as I know) carrier for analgetics and other therapeutics (or poisons! or carcinogens!) as plants said. Therefore it's carrier-function is used in many salves and cremes, used by athlets "Mobilat" etc., but also carries "testosterones" and other (anabolic-) steroids. Although DMSO itself is harmless, it's carrier-function might be very dangerous! Cave DMSO, handle with care!!! Juergen Posted by: John__ShowMe__USA 5 on Sat, May 17, 03 at 8:00 Juergen, Thanks for the info. No steroids for me, thank you. I was on massive doses during treatment of a chronic illness and they literally changed my body & personality with aftereffects lasting a year or more. Even high school athletes use similar crap now. And I clearly see the danger of misusing DMSO now. JohnT Posted by: allenboatman 9b/10 FL on Sat, May 17, 03 at 23:02 July?!?!?! now there is a thread with some life. Allen Posted by: Beatrice_z9 z9 FL on Mon, May 19, 03 at 10:45 I have yet to find a pair of gloves that I can use safely when I'm using a sharp knife. What are you using, surgical gloves? Posted by: Juzen z7 Germany on Mon, May 19, 03 at 11:53 >"I have yet to find a pair of gloves that I can use safely when I'm using a sharp knife. What are you using, surgical gloves?" There are (silicone based greases, oils or pastes) so called "liquid gloves" at the market (link below), I think in USA too. These are able to protect the skin and are used instead of rubber gloves and easy to handle. A problem using surgical gloves is, that they are very easy to perforate and a hurted glove is bader than no glove! Jürgen Here is a link that might be useful: [Epi-shield liquid gloves] Posted by: John__ShowMe__USA 5 on Mon, May 19, 03 at 12:48 Juergen writes: >There are (silicone based greases, oils or pastes) so called "liquid gloves" at the market... I would check at an auto parts store. We used to have barrier creams at GM for the paint dept. Probably manufactured by DuPont or 3M. Came in a tube. PaulMA sent me a pair of nitrile gloves last year that work the best of any gloves I've ever had. Don't know where he gets them. JohnT Posted by: Robinjaneen Brantford on on Mon, May 19, 03 at 14:25 I burned my hands cleaning up after cutting up japapenos. I tried a lot of things like milk, yogurt, vinegar and I washed my hands really well too. I also tried first aid cream, cortisone cream with no relief. It felt like my hands were being held over an open flame. I didn't read about the bleach until the day after or believe me, I would have tried it! The only relief I got was from keeping my hands in a bowl of ice water. I couldn't believe it really took 8 hours for the pain to go away. I had my hands in ice water for most of that time. I will never do anything with hot peppers again without gloves. Posted by: Juzen z7 Germany on Mon, May 19, 03 at 14:33 >"I will never do anything with hot peppers again without gloves." Quot errat demonstrandum. Posted by: Taba z5b MO on Wed, May 21, 03 at 18:19 I've learned to wear gloves - didn't help last weekend though. I opened a bottle of Habanero Tabasco sauce and somehow managed to fling some directly into my eye! AAAAAaaaaeeeeoooo Excruciating pain and immediate gushing tears and swelling. And I was thinking - well here's my worst nightmare for pepper burn. Wasn't sure if there was a quick "best fix" for in-the-eyeball so called poison control. They said to hold my eyes (open!) under running lukewarm water for 15-30 minutes, then use moisturing eye drops for a couple of days (not saline drops). If the eyes were still swollen the next day they said to see a doctor to make sure there was no damage. The warm running water helped a lot and my eye was only a bit watery and puffy the next day. It was much better than I thought it would be. So if you get a big squirt of hab juice in your eye.... well, just hope that you don't!
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whatsbest
10 years ago
@collenoz what you say is true he also grew up feeling ok when his mom was bitten up and treated badly . I married him without knowing what kind of person he was. He tries to act like a gentleman infront of everyone. And everyone thinks i have a perfect married life since he is well educated and descent looking man. The reallity is he is abusive. He has even bitten our son when he was only 6 month old. And he also slaped me on the same day while i was trying to free my son from him. At the time since i was with him in a foreign county which no one understands what i say, i told some of his co worker who speek english then they tried to help us resolve our issues. I kicked him out .. he stayed in a hotel for a week and after realizing his mistskes and talking to my family on phone .. i forgiven him for my childs sake. Now we again moved to other country for his work it is the same story all over again where i have no family or close friends. He abuses me imotionaly and treates/ calls me his maid. This time i feel like i am lossing my mind. Imagine i wasted 5 years of my life with him and this started after our 2nd Aniv after i was pregnant. Now my baby is 2 and i think it is time for me to free myself and fight for my life. I just pray to God to give me all the strength... by the way reading all your coments helped!!.. thank you
laticauda
10 years ago
He bit your infant child? Why did you not call the police? That is not only child abuse but also a sign of deeper disturbances.
whatsbest
10 years ago
I was in a foreign country where i didn't understand a word of their language. He still spanks him when ever he feels the baby is being rude...
laticauda
10 years ago
Where are you now?
whatsbest
10 years ago
I am in South Africa now
whatsbest
10 years ago
Joburg
whatsbest
10 years ago
Thank God that my boy is like a sunshine, very friendly and full of smile. I am glad that he doesn't understand all this hatered and bitterness at the moment.
laticauda
10 years ago
It still affects them. Damages them as adults but they don't understand why.

i am not familiar with the culture in that part of South Africa but if he is abusing your boy, someone needs to do something.
cacocobird
10 years ago
My ex was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. When I noticed that my daughter was nervous around him, I left right away. Lived in a one bedroom apartment for seven years, until I could afford a larger one.

As soon as I was in my own place, I felt so much better.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Well your boy is not going to be like a sunshine for long if you insist on keeping him in a household where he is abused. How rude can a 2 year old be? For your baby's sake, if not for your own, leave. Clearly your husband is not going to change, he's had his chance and only pretended to change before. If your family can't or won't help you, contact the Salvation Army in SA, I believe they run women's refuges for women and children in your situation.
whatsbest
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Thank you so much i will definately do something for my and my babys sake. He didn't ask to come to this world. We are responsible for everything. And he is the cutest thing ever ...even a stranger loves and adores him on the first sight and he never misbihaves as his dady claims. The guy is just being stubborn and un reasonable. Thank you so much for all the help.
Tammy Meaulance
10 years ago
Until you take responsibility for your part in this situation people can give you advice till their blue in the face but nothing will change unless you want it to. As long as you allow people to treat you like crap...you're going to be treated like crap. What you allow is what will happen.

Abuse is never your fault but you're a completely capable adult and if you choose to remain the victim...that's all you'll ever be.

Until you can look into yourself and deal with what's broken in you...no one can help you.

Sincerely,

Former victim, now Victor.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
For a former victim, you sound awfully intolerant & hard-nosed & your tone is scolding.

Would that kind of thing have helped you when you were being mistreated?
Embothrium
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
I don't agree, clearly there is a recurring problem with women talking about their situations here hoping for miracles and refusing to take necessary steps themselves. Any perspectives that might cause them to recognize what needs to be done, start doing it are worthwhile.
Tammy Warden
10 years ago
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

Melanie Tonia Evans explains what I was trying to say, my tone wasn't meant to sound as if I was scolding. My apologies. The thing that bothers me the most is when we complain about how others mistreat us is that no one wants to hear the truth. The truth is we have to own our part and take some responsibility for how others treat us. Instead of healing our own damaged inner child we expect someone else to do it for us which in turn leads to picking partners who abuse us. Nothing anyone can say or do will help us escape the abuse until we can fully understand we're being treated as worthless, undeserving and unlovable....because it's a reflection of how we feel and treat ourselves. The Constant seeking of "advice" from others does nothing more than allow the "victim" to vent, in turn, temporarily making her situation "tolerable" so she stays. Advice seekers unconsciously use the info provided to them by well meaning people as a way to make the abuser solely responsible, instead of looking into their own unhead parts, which stunts the victims emotional growth...and they either remain in the same abusive relationship for years complaining to anyone who will listen while doing nothing to change their situation or they'll continue to choose the same type of abusive partners.

Basicaliy....It doesn't make any sense whatsoever to spend so much of our time and energy expecting someone to treat us with kindness, dignity and respect when we can't even treat ourselves that way. Period.

We must come to terms with our broken inner child before we can truly break free from the abuse.

Former victim, now victor.
babysontheway
10 years ago
Coming back to the original comment, I hope you are ok now and have fix any issue with your husband and hope the baby is healthy and happy.

I would like to share some of my bad experiences while pregnant. Im 3 months pregnant. Most of the days my fiancee treats me well but he has some "episodes" where I think he is another person. One time I asked him for orange juice and found him using rotten oranges.. his answer was that all the oranges were rotten and since he was not completely woken up he didn't realize.. false since you can see the green fungus right away. how can somebody do that to a person? Yesterday, I woke him up telling him that I was having cravings of orange juice again and had to beg him to go to the store to buy some.. he went after some time and he was not happy at all. By the time he was back I didn't want the orange juice anymore and told him I was upset that I had to beg. He got mad. In the afternoon we had a family lunch (it was my cousins bd) and he didn't want to come. I understood since it was sunday 3rd of january and he saw my family already one time for lunch since new years (he has made it clear that doesnt want much contact wih them, just occasionally) I know my family is pushy but I felt really bad giving excuses for his absence. I asked him to pick me up and just say hi to my family but he didn't want to step in. I pushed him to come in, I know he was not going to be happy but I felt it was very disrispecfull to leave me and pick me up without saying hi after my aunt made an official invitation to both of us. He finally came im but made me feel embarrassed in front of them. And on the way back home he got furious. he said i make him do things he doesnt want and that he is tired of that. at home he told me that my family are bad people and talk bad thigs behind us. In fact they love him and miss him when he does not show up but i agree they are pushy to meet everybody together. To make things worse, we are trying to get a person to clean the house and it's really hard to find somebody you can trust. we had an interview with her yesterday Sunday. The disagrement is that he doesnt want her to live inside home with us and before I didn't want it neither but that is the only option she is giving since she is new to the city. now I don't care if she lives in or out since we really need the help.. but he won't allow it. We discussed about it, and I told him that I don't care of she lives inside but I want her working here soon. I was feeling pretty bad about all things that happened since the morning and left him to go alone to the interview. He did not get to meet with her and no deal was done. Basically, he treats people as he thinks is ok but I feel it's a bit hard. I'm softer treating people who work for you and he tells me im too soft and that's why they mismisbehave with me later (one of the cleaning ladies did steal from me). The reason they didn't meet was because the girl was late and my fiancee never got the message that she was coming late.. miscommunication. Told him that I will handle this but he has threatened me that if she comes to work and sleep inside home he will leave and take all his furniture. Not sure how to deal with him anymore. He sees me cry and don't ask anything since he is mad. I think yesterday he wanted to apologize but I was really tired of all the things he said that didn't want to hear anything anymore. I know I haven't been the nicest person, maybe I became a bit spoiled but I just know that he is doing and saying things to hurt me.. he knows very well how to make me cry. right now I'm in bed crying writing this and he has passed in front of me, changed his clothes and got ready to go run and hasn't said a word. is he emotially abusing me or it's just me being hormonal?
colleenoz
10 years ago
TBH I'm not sure I would be happy with you if I were your fiancé, either. Nagging to get you fresh oranges, then getting all pouty and " not wanting them any more because you had to beg"? Nagging him to meet with your family when you _ know_ he won't want to? Insisting that you have an almost total stranger come to live in your house, when your fiancé has said no and you admit to being a poor judge of character in already having issues with previous workers? ( And seriously, is this woman the _ only_ cleaner in your whole town? There's no one else you could hire as a daily help?)

I'm guessing your fiancé is ignoring your tears because he perceives it as another tool you are using to manipulate him, which in light of your behaviour to date is not entirely unreasonable.

You're pregnant (and only three months pregnant at that), not a princess. Time to put on your big girl panties and start acting like a strong, capable woman. Soon you will have your own helpless infant to care for.

If you stop being unreasonable towards your fiancé, he will probably rediscover the pleasure he had in doing nice things for you. It's no fun if he's only doing it because you nagged him into it.
Suzieque
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Colleen said the exact things I was thinking as I read your post, babysontheway. It does sound like you're acting like a princess. Everything in your post reads that way. Seriously - getting him to go out to buy oranges because you wanted orange juice, and then telling him that you didn't want it any more? From all you've said, it sounds as though he's very tired of your actions. You even admit to being spoiled.

And yes - only one possible cleaning lady in your whole area? C'mon. I'm guessing that you don't live in the US - am I correct? I know folks that live in various other countries and live-in cleaning help is much more common (and much more affordable) than it is for most US folks. But - that's not the point.

You're pregnant and unmarried, meaning that it's much easier for your "fiance" to leave. If you were married it could still be through a divorce, but that would be more difficult. Do you have a ring and a date for a wedding? If not, I'm guessing that, if you suggest that you go from being fiancees to a married couple now, he'd decline.

Good luck.
babysontheway
10 years ago
Thank you both for been sincere in your comments. Thats what i was looking for, to see the situation from another point of view. I guess I have not acted correctly but its because i would do everything for him if he was the one needing help while sick, i would do literally everything, rigth away even if he wakes me up.. I don't mind and he doesn't have to beg me.. maybe I think he should act the same way and since I'm pregnant I hope even more.. but I guess I'm wrong there. His friend that also have a pregnant partner gave him this tip: "just accept everything, even if you are rigth.. just while pregnant". He told me and guess I took it very seriously cause he was not acting well before.

I also have not mentioned that I'm working full time and he is trying to start a bussiness. I support him emotionally, economically and I do help him with the start of the bussiness doing research. Although these 3 months i have had all sickeness, even with nauseas, indigestion and more I have helped him. I do work everyday and come home to do some cleaning. He does help but its not enough. Dishes are always dirty, and he leave his clothes everywhere. He has become better though, but after work I do have to do some house load plus all the things I have mentioned.. maybe I'm just tired. I don't consider myself a princess but I just expect more caring.. maybe my mistake was to expect to be more spoiled by him. Now I understand that I will not push him to even just say hi to my family and leave, and that I will have to accept that we won't have a person to help us with the cleaning for now.. btw, yes there is a lot of people that can clean in this city but they are not trusthfull and this person was the only one I found I could trust in 6 months.. bet I have to wait a bit more to find another one like her. That's not a problem.. the problem is that I still think he is been mean with me. He was cruel to me before, he did accept that and one time while I was sleeping he promised me that he would never be cruel to me again.. I woke up and heard everything he said. Thats why i could not differentiate this time if it was me or him. Still big part of the problem is me?
sherwoodva
10 years ago
babysontheway, do you have family that you can stay with? Have you considered an abortion or giving the child up for adoption? Your BF does not seem ready to be a father, and you seem to need time to mature and get more self esteem. You should not have to provide all of the emotional support to your BF and clean up after him. If he wants clean shirts, he can wash them. If he gets angry over that, you really need to move out ASAP. Start making plans to get out. You could try counseling, but I am betting that he would not go. I left an abusive husband, so I know it can be done, and you will be happier instead of walking on eggshells.
mamapinky0
10 years ago
I was just browsing and reading, was actually about to head in another direction until I read the poster whose husband bit their baby....WTH who stands by and allows their child to be hurt...is this the same poster waiting around for the wonderful man to reappear again? You've allowed your baby to be abused...what about the loving mother returning to protect her child? I'm just disgusted with this...your prioritys are in the wrong place, instead of whining about prince charming how about protecting your baby...any mother that allows her baby to be abused by ANY ONE and doesn't scream at the top of her voice for justice, isn't proactive in defense of her innocent helpless child is just as abusive as the one who bit the baby. say what you want about what I've wrote, I couldn't care less, I'm not the one abusing my children
whatsbest
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
@ mamapinky0.. i suppose you r commenting on my previous post. I thank you for the concern and just for your info the story didnt end threre. I interfered when he beat our child. Then he turn his anger towards me and we fought then ppl came and i have to remove him from the house with the help of his friends. I wanted to talk to police but i didnt know a word they speak.(it was a foregn country). Then he aplologiesed and family was involved to make peace። so i took him in without being convinced after he stayed in a hotel for more than a week.His argument is that since the baby does not like him as much us he like his momy he felt rejected and he took his furstration out on us. He even through his food at me during the fight. Stupid guy!... we still fight. And he still feels like he has the right to punish a child by beating. So annoying!!
mamapinky0
10 years ago
WHAT....YOUR STILL ALLOWING HIM TO ABUSE THIS CHILD...let me rephrase that...YOUR STILL ABUSING THIS CHILD...yes you...because your allowing it to happen you are also an abuser...annoying..you call this annoying....hey I'm out of here..this is sick and wrong...does anyone else not see this....my God that's a baby being beat
whatsbest
10 years ago
Hey there is nothing one can do. Some ppl are like this they think spanking a child will discipline him. Am figuring out my way out. It hasnt been easy for me to see this. I am still figuring way out.
kitasei
10 years ago
Here is one piece of cold, hard boiled information. You have to be married ten years to be eligible for the spousal social security benefit (which is worth half of whatever he will be collecting). Do not make the mistake of divorcing him just shy of that. Just separate. Time it so divorce takes effect the day after! It may seem a long way off, but when you reach your 60s and are looking at 30-40 more years of supporting yourself after a checkered work history of your own as you get back on your feet and raise your child, you will be glad to have that to help. Also, educate yourself about things like insurance now. You say he cuts your car insurance? Does that mean he takes the car you drive off the policy entirely? If he does, he can't drive it either, and he is required to remove the license plates. As long as the car is insured at all, you are covered -- I guess unless he tells the insurance company that you are not allowed to drive his car? I am not giving you legal advice here, just trying to show you that I think he is intimidating you without really knowing what he is talking about... Good luck and focus on educating and preparing yourself for a life of liberation!
kitasei
10 years ago
I think the person who wrote "bit" my child actually meant "beat...." not that it's much better, but still...
Tammy Meaulance
10 years ago
You need a lot of therapy.
mamapinky0
10 years ago
Therapy...this child needs a safe home with loving family..and the current parents need put to pasture.
tete_a_tete
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
If whatsbest's post is genuine then I think it's time for her to start taking some responsibility. I sense that whatsbest is here to convince herself that her behaviour is OK when it is not. Putting the blame on the babies father and clearing her own part in this is not acting in a responsible way to her child.

whatsbest, please stop playing the victim. If the babies father is a jerk, admit that this is not healthy for your child and you need to protect him from this. It is up to you.
whatsbest
10 years ago
hi ladies, i think i have to be honest with you i admit that i am terified to take action , cos i dont know what will happen to me and my son after we left him. i have been travelling with him from one country to another for the last 6 years cos of his job and i do not have a carrier that i can relly on. ma friends and familly r not supportive of me leaving him. they say its normal that some men are like that.but i dont find it normal. they even suggest me to get pregnant again so that i can be busy with myself and stop worrying too much. i am not happy at all. i do every thing for him: - wake up at 6 feed the familly , pack his lunch, do laundry ,,,,,, you name it. i do everything in the house. basically i am like his maid. he still gets upset with me for small things... like "i dont have a clean pair of sock today". he yells at me for everything and thinks everything is ma fault. never takes responsibility for what ever is happening b/n us. i also take care of his special diet cos he is pre diabetic now and he has to follow some diet plan. he shows no affection towards me . he comes home from work he doesnot even say how was your day. when i ask him he answers me after long wait. and keeps watching tv or playing with his phone. when ever there is tenssion b/n us , incase the baby gets fussy he starts hitting him untill he stops crying. so i always try to talk to him nicelly and cheer him up so that he doent hit the child. i am living a fake life. trust me i sometimes wish something would happen to me but i get scared for my son ..if i am not arround his life will be worse. i dont even have a friend to talk to. the only people around me are his friends and their wifes. and the ladies say i should talk to him and everything will be alright. i tried to talk with him he says nothing, he doesnt even respond properly it is paining. i ask him if he wants separation cos he doesnt seem happy too. we look on the same page but he says nothing." i am 28 and i have already fed up of life.
colleenoz
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
As I suggested, go see the Salvation Army people. They have women's refuges where you can stay and they will help you get on your feet. This guy is never going to appreciate you as long as you are happy to be his doormat, and is a horrible example of manhood for your son to follow.

Hitting the baby until he stops crying? What a great plan. He's an a$$hole and if you stay and let your son be treated like this you have a part in this abuse as well.

Better to be poor and on your own than living the life you are now.
Suzieque
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
This is incredible. If I had any idea how to track your ip address and then find your location, I would contact the authorities and have them intervene. I'd encourage them to arrest both you and your husband and to have your child adopted into a family where he will be safe. But I don't.

Might this be cultural? Some cultures believe that it's ok for a man to abuse his wife and children. Your speech indicates that you might be of a country/nationality where it is more accepted. Is that why nobody is helping you and many are telling you it's ok? How tragic.

You are writing here because you know it's not ok. Stop catering to this monster. Get away from him. As said above, you, too, are participating in the child abuse because you're allowing it.

Time (past time!!!) for you to be a responsible woman!
whatsbest
10 years ago
i spoke with him and told him my discission. he seems terified. tried to explain himself ..appologised and promissed it will never gappen again. but for me it is too late and i am not giving any more chances last time i gave him chances, he didnt take too long to repeat it again. done and dusted. weither he supports us or not we will servive any how. its about time for me to stop all this drama and start my own path. it might not be easy but it is possible. finally!!!
whatsbest
10 years ago
tnx all for the consern... by the way in more than half of the world this kinda things are happening and its like normal to try and discipple ur child by hitting. which i do not agree. and i see it everywhere. even on public places. i cant imagine what happens at home. ones i remember when i was a child our neighbour papper spray her son and loked him in a garage. cos she heard he was stilling and not attending school properly. we all have been bit or witnessed parrents bitting children and husband bitting a wife. even the most educated ppl do that ... its not that they r uninformed. everyone i know spanks , slaps , hits ,,, or beats. only the deegre is diffrent. some parents spank to teach them not to repeat the same mistake again. some bit the hell out of u cos they r angry at you. i am also a victim. so is my husband. everyone i know as a matter of fact. ones i remember one of my aunts beat the hell out of me and through some thing at me cos she thought i disrespected my other aunt. i was a tenager. my back was hurt and it needed some time to heal. so many stories like this around here. only my grandma and some of my aunts are being supportive this time. i am glad that i have their support.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Good on you! Stay strong- I feel sure your husband will keep begging you to come back and making promises that you already know he won't keep. Ignore him. Glad to hear your grandmother and some aunts are supportive, that will make it a little easier for you to get your life back on track and go on to have a better life with your little boy.

Don't be in any hurry to find a new man or you could end up with one as bad as the first or even worse. Strong, balanced women attract strong, balanced men, so get yourself in a good place before you even start to think about looking.
whatsbest
10 years ago
thank you dear @colleenoz
lawonamatalski
9 years ago
Hi everyone
lawonamatalski
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I have a very similar story as tiredoffighting its a hard situation to be in but for me i have full custody of our grandaughter who is 7 years old and severley handicapped!! I dont know why i love him so damn much i keep asking myself over and over!!! I also feel trapped because i do need his help with our grandaughter. And i have had a hip replacement and a back surgery i have osteoprosis along with other bone/muscle diseases. I cant get a job because i have to care for the girl. Plus my medical problems its a catch 22 situation. Hes so mean to me he will not give me money for anything hes on porn sites live chat sites and now dating sites im so upset all ive done is loved him. I dont know what ive done or what im doing wrong or even if iam doing anything wrong for him to treat me so bad!!! Even if i ask him a question he sighs and answers like iam bothering him and hes so disgusted with me and he cant stand the sight of me it hurts so much!! And the fact he would rather watch porn or whatever he does on his phone. And pleasure himself than to have sex with me!! To me thats a real kick in the teeth!! I dont know if iam right or wrong but to me thats a form of cheating!!! He doesnt tell me he loves me or hugs me at all unless i hug him first or say i love you even when he does you can just tell its with all his effort to say i love you or to hug me its just an arm around my shoulder with no meaning behind it!! WHY THE HECK DO I LOVE THIS GUY DO MUCH!!!! Iam so scared to be alone to move outta my home to be lonley and i need his help with the luttle girl!! Iam so damn scared to make a step and for fear of regret!! Ive had so much loss in my life including my oldest son comitting suicide. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated thanks everyone have a great day sad me
colleenoz
9 years ago
"WHY THE HECK DO I LOVE THIS GUY [SO] MUCH!!!!"

That's an excellent question. Certainly he doesn't seem to have any lovable attributes, or do you any good.

"Iam so scared to be alone to move outta my home to be lonley"

There's your answer. If you really thought hard about it, you would realise that what you feel is not really love, but fear of the unknown.

The thing is, you're lonely already. It is totally possible to live with someone and be lonely when they're not giving you any positive attention and rejecting your advances. So, moving out would not change that for the worse, but it sure sounds like it would improve things for you a heck of a lot. And once you have your head together again, the only regret you would have is that you dind't do it sooner. Don't you think you deserve better than to be treated as insignificant by a creep?

Does he actually help you with your granddaughter? Or do you just think he does? In any case, it doesn't have to be _him_ that helps. Do you have any other family/friends?
Erlinda Mendez
9 years ago
5 years is not that long. I believe in order to have a happy married life, the two of you must work on it. In your case, I know its really hard for a woman to be treated like worthless but you must be strong for your baby and you must empower yourself since the only strength you have is yourself and your baby. I know, you can still save your family so you better talk to your husband and work things out before its too late.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What????? There is no such thing as working things out with a control freak. And when someone is treating you badly and your life is miserable, five years is an extremely long time.
colleenoz
9 years ago
What a load of crap, erlinda mendez. Do you think this poor woman has spent the past five years making no effort to "work things out"? If the other party is unwilling to work on a marriage, nothing one person does (short of leaving) will change anything. Five years is way too long to be treated as and feel worthless. She's given enough, time to go. It's been too late for a long time.
lam702
9 years ago
Your husband is a verbal and emotional abuser. Let's call it what it is. Things will only get worse after the baby is born. Babies can add a lot of stress, wonderful though they are, they cause sleepless nights and a lot of work and worry. Get out before the emotional abuse turns to physical abuse, as it often does.
HU-280157848
7 years ago
I met my husband in in sept. 2006.We hit it off right away.Got married in sept.2009.Funny thing is he has been verbally abusive since after our first year together,until today.Earlier in our relationship,he compared me to my friends.There's a text that he sent me a few weeks into our marriage that stuck with me " look at your friend and see who a real woman is"He always make comments that suggest i'm not good enough or just plain stupid.We have 2 children together.He tells me he cannot deal with my emotions and always encourages me to find other people to talk to..I've a career that can support me financially. I'm scared to death of leaving,although i know that is the right thing to do..It's such a scary feeling to start over alone with my children. I love him so much but he makes me very unhappy.He says disrespectful things to be infront of my children.I feel helpless and stupid around him.We're contantly arguing.We lost a baby a few years ago at 35 weeks of pregnancy because i was so stressed out because of endless arguments . Someone please reach out to me .Guys be kind but honest.Thanks.
colleenoz
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
Honey, if I was your Mom, I’d say, “Come home and bring the kids with you.”

Do not stay with a man who treats you like crap, belittles you and stresses you to the point of miscarrying. You do not love this man, you love your ideal version of him, which you are never going to see.

You are not stupid. You know you need to leave him. Apart from anything else, your husband is teaching your children that abuse is normal. Protect them from that and get them out of that toxic environment.

Yes, it will be scary but it will also be exhilarating. No more belittling. Believe in yourself. You can do it, and you should do it as soon as you can.
Suzieque
7 years ago
You say you love him so much. WHY?!?!?!? He treats you like this and you love him? "I love him so much but he makes me very unhappy". Really - - - I suggest that you explore why you think you love a man that makes you unhappy, treats you poorly, and contributed to the death of your child. Please, please, please get help.
Iris
6 years ago
Perhaps you should start working again to be self reliant. Then maybe counseling will help.

Husband treats me like crap! How do i stop it?

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