This is a rough decision, but it sounds like you have thought it through. You are the only one who can decide if you would be better off with or without her.

If it were me I would leave. I think at my age the few years I have left are precious and should be spent peacefully. My husband died at the age of 80 and as much as I loved him the peace I have now is a freedom I am never known. I went from parents to husband and kids. I have almost no stress at all living alone. What I do have is caused by the HOA my home is in and I just think how comical it is when the HOA president throws his tantrum when someone does something without his permission. LOL

Counseling is about clarity, not about trying to keep marriages together. If counseling is followed by divorce, someone got clarity.

Wasted time cannot be recouped.

Get your ducks in a row and go. You will be surprised how good it will feel. Do you have children? If so sit down with them and have a long talk. I would bet they know more then you think. There are places where you can met wonderful people to enjoy. Life is to short to be miserable. Enjoy what time you have left.

Counseling may not restore the marriage, but it does help you over the rough spots and the period of adjustment that you will have to surmount. As for being alone, there are many nice retirement cities for 55 and up. New people to meet and fun to be had. Divorce is usually a roller coaster ride, some lows and some highs. Be prepared for that.

I think you are very brave, and life is too short to be miserable. Good luck and come back and talk with us.

As everyone said, life is too short. Look at it this way, do you want to be in the same situation at age 75? And be thinking that you could have had 10 years of peace and happiness? Of course not. Be glad you came to your senses now and still have time to enjoy life. Being in a bad marriage like that destroys your self esteem. Take time now to help yourself. And maybe by moving on and leaving your marriage, your wife will realize that she too has to make some changes. Staying in this situation hasn't helped either of you, moving on seems to be the only solution.

I think it's easier said then done. The older you get the more difficult
It is to meet people. Most of people in this age group are usually
have spouses. Where do you meet people when you are 65 yrs old?

I would think a lot of people are single, one way or another, at that age. There are senior centers, senior classes through the Dept. of Parks and Rec., church groups, retirement communities, AARP, over 50 on-line dating sites, Gray Panthers, volunteer groups of all ages, etc.

It would be nice to have a male friend to travel with and be with occasionally, but I am satisfied with my life as it is. I have a freedom I have never had before. Don't have to cook, no stress on a daily basis and I am turning into my Mom LOL and that is not a bad things as far as I am concerned. After Dad died she took off her rings, she put them back on when a guy started paying attention her. She said she has no one to please but herself and she liked it that way.

Scorpio please give us an update when/if you make changes in your life. I have been thinking about you. Best wishes for you.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Tue, Jul 23, 13 at 15:16

Well...by all means you should be happy...but I don't get the comment you made about being wiped out financially...is that why you stayed?

Not too different from most men...the almighty dollar bill ...this tells me that perhaps...just maybe....you have loved money more than her...is that why she drinks?

Not to be so blunt, but when someone her age hits the bottle hard it may be her emotional pain...after 45 yrs with this woman who may have given you children...isn't it your place to find out if she will be ok for the rest of her life?

As for finances...isn't it equitable to divide in half? Especially in light of an addiction issue...would you not mention this as a reason to divorce? I think instead of counting pennies...you need to have an intervention or simply do what you must for yourself..

If you do not care about her health and can walk away, then start scootin...but have you ever asked yourself if you have had any part in emotional issues she may have? I think there is a saying...it takes two to tango....even in my marriage...i can see my own deficits...and mistakes...even though i feel as if 98% of my husbands lack of empathy is genetically based...I know that I am at fault for not recognizing red flags along the way...

Sketcher, I think you've misinterpreted Scorpio's comments.
In another post you say that many older women stay in unhappy marriages because of fear about lack of finances. I interpret Scorpio's remarks as, "I feel the trade off of happiness for the potential loss of accrued finances could be worth it". He's not said anything about his wife not deserving to have an equitable division of property or resenting that this will happen.
And whether or not Scorpio cares about his wife's health, if she has addiction issues but denies there is a problem there is little he can do for her other than put up with it or leave. It sounds like this has been an issue for a long time, not just recently.
Please don't project your unhappiness at your own situation on others.
Personally I feel 40 years of unhappiness is a good sign things are unlikely to change if everything stays as it is. At some point you have to stop hitting your head on the brick wall and admit it's not working.

Yep. My parents divorced after 44 years. A few years later, my father married a lovely woman. If they are in good shape, men in their 60s and up are in demand.

If my DH passes away before me, I am getting a dog! (He is allergic to them.)

I have been with the same man since 1981. Divorced and remarried to a very emotional abusive narsissist person who fears intimacy. Hides money. Almost 8 years of remarry him. All thoes years of thinking I was unattractive. Always saying sorry for I don't know what. Use to having him make fun if me as a joke in front if my family and his friends. Hide money never care if I ever had any. Started withholding sex when I was pregnant for our second child I loved him so much it was a life I got use to being that my mother was abusive it just seemed normal. Then after he promised to change his ways 7 years ago. He's starting to go back to the old Jim but thru 10 years of counseling I've come full circle everything is clear as a bell but now at 63 years old and a heart condition I'm afraid to leave don't know if I could survive on small pension and social security. He sounds like a monster. But to friends neighbors and some family. He puts this show like u wouldn't believe. Little do they know when they all leave he never sleeps with me never wants to be intimate Always picks fights in holidays. Birthdays. You start thinking what ifs I did. Or didn't say this. I'm sitting on the fence again to divorce again. He says he loves me I love him but I'm feeling so scared financially. Only good thing is thru counseling I know that I am attractive. Smart and kind. And definitely deserved better then and now. Now I think I'm too old to leave

You are never to old to leave or make him leave. I would live in a studio apartment and go on welfare if I had to. I will not live with that kind of treatment and stress.

Lindylou, please ask your town or county about free financial counseling. I agree with Emma; your peace of mind is more important than staying for the financial security. Get out while you can. He sounds very abusive. You might want to check with an abused women's shelter, too.

Don't let finance tie you to a monster who treats you like crap. On your deathbed, which would you regret more- struggling financially (and that could well only be temporary) or struggling emotionally (permanently)? Better to live the rest of your life at peace with yourself. You have years and years to go yet- don't lock yourself into spending them miserable.

Scorpio 1947:

I know you're probably not thinking about this right now, but you should. There are a lot more very well-maintained and financially secure widows and divorcees out there than there are 65-year-old guys. I'd be tearin' it up if I were you.

I'm a realist with very very little self confidence and a pessimist because men flirted with me when I was young and when I took it seriously they baled. I don't believe I personally could ever be anything special enough to motivate a man to leave a dead marriage but I guess the dreamer in me likes to believe love matters more than anything else in life. Life is very short and to live a marriage not based on love seems like lying which is not something I would want to face death with. I wish people left old, bitter and lonely marriages. I hope you will. But that would be a miracle

I feel your pain, I am in the same situation. I am not in love with my husband of 46 years. I tolerate him. I wish I could go, but one time when I was going to leave he found out that he could wipe me out financially and told me. I had my own business for years and a rather large inheritance. He is a lazy slob and I realize it more and more since he has been retired.

So consult with a good lawyer to take steps to protect yourself financially and then get the he// outta Dodge and spend the rest of your life being happy.

That's just a good lawyer is not so easy to find that he did everything right

Sorry Dianny, but huh?

It makes a lot of sense! But 45 years isn’t easy. I admire your courage and wish you the very best!

This post is from 2013. Wonder what has happened?

I'm in the same boat with the original poster. I've been married for I think it's been 42 years. I've decided that enough is enough and I would like to have peace of mind and die happy so I am working on my exit plan. I have a lot of personal debt that I need to knock out and I am trying to decide if I am going to sell the house. Selling the house is really difficult because it was built on my grandparents land and most of my family are living on the land as well and the family will be disappointed if I sell to non-family members. At this point I'm not blaming him for what has or hasn't happened during this marriage. I just realize that we are two very different people since we've gotten older. It worked out fine when we were younger and that's because during that time I didn't really pay attention to the fact that there were things about him that should have raised a couple of red flags. However, he's not going to change into someone I had hoped for because he's been this way all along so really it's me that has changed but for the better. I've change quite a a bit and I think that comes along with age and wisdom. When you get older you develop a different but better outlook on life. So now I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to tolerate someone I don't really care for and someone who doesn't share the same values as mine. It's like I just woke up and realized "I married him??" what was I thinking?" I don't care to discuss anything with him because it usually ends in some sort of major disagreement even when I am trying to help him with something. That was one way that I realized that something is seriously wrong. I am a retired Human Resources Specialist and I know the OPM regulations like the back of my hand but if he ever has a question or any type of issue with HR he will not take my advice on how to resolve the issue. He will consult with one of his lady friends who do not have an HR back ground. They will usually give him the number to his HR POC who in turn will provide him with the same information that I tried to provide to him. The bottom line is he deserves to be happy with whomever he desires and I'll take the blame for the failed marriage because I know that I've overstayed my welcome. And no, I'm not a cheater because I'm not that kind of person which is more than I can say for him because he's cheated on me more than once and he's a liar which I don't understand that part of him either. I'm done and thanks for your time.

Pam:

My 37-year marriage ended a year ago. My only regret is that it didn't happen sooner. You won't be sorry, believe me. My life is the best it's ever been. Good luck.

Thank you Joseph Corlett for the encouraging words. I look forward to having the best life that I can ever have as well which will become my new motto. Living my best life!

Pam, have you asked your other family members if they would be willing to purchase your house (at market value) to avoid it being sold out of the family?

Collenoz. Thank you for your comment. The family members that are living around me are all senior citizens and own their own homes. My home is over 3200 square feet on two levels. They are not interested in running up and down stairs nor are they interested in maintaining a large home. But thank you for your kind thoughts.

Good for you all. It is a difficult step to take but a wise one. I would consult a lawyer before breaking the news to make sure you are covered financially and legally.

Time to devote time for you. To take care of you. Never too late to start over and embrace a new beginning. Good luck to all that have taken this step.

I wasn’t thinking so much about your extended family occupying your home once they had bought it, as perhaps clubbing together to purchase it as a co-investment and possibly renting it out, to a younger family member moving out of home or just as a normal rental.

I wish you well whatever you do, and hope for a good outcome for you.

Thanks Colleenoz for your comments. Just wondering are you a licensed specialist? You always have very good advice. Pam

Thank _you_ for your kind words, Pam. No, I’m not a trained specialist but I’m nearly 60 and have done a lot of observing and reading and thinking in that time :-). And worked in a lot of dysfunctional places with a lot of dysfunctional people and seen what works and what doesn’t so much.

(Colleenoz is the best! She's always right on with her replies. Thanks!)

Collenoz I'm 62 so guess I've spent the better part of my life with head buried in the sand when you should have been more observant. Pam

Maybe you just don’t have my cynical nature but are more trusting :-). That’s not a bad thing, but bad people can take advantage.

Yes, I think you are correct in that I'm usually very trusting of people. It's not my nature to look for the worst in people and I'd like to think that people will treat me the way that I treat them. However, in the past few years my husband has taught me a valuable lesson in what happens when you are too trusting. When I look back on some of the different situations that have happened I can't believe that it totally slip past me or how deceitful he is as a person. I trusted him to move money out of my checking account to pay monthly expenses until one day when I was trying to make a purchase and the clerk informed me that my debit card was declined. My first thought was my account must have been hacked. On my way home to figure out what had happened I remember how during the past few weeks he kept reminding me that I was spending a lot of money. I only spent what I knew that I could afford to spend and never more than what I was making. His statements should have been a clue. When I went online to view my banking account I saw where he had transfer more than $30,000.00 out of my account over a period of year and half without consulting me. Hence the "you're spending a lot lately". I never really checked my account because I always knew that I had a pretty good cushion for what I wanted to spend. My spending was nothing more than a visit to Walmart every now and then and I knew with the amount of money that I make (retired Federal employee and now a government contractor making six figures) that I really never had to worry about my card being declined. When I confronted him about it the first thing he yelled was "I pay the house note out of my check'! There was about an ounce of truth to his statement with the exception that the money was first transferred from my account to his account and then of course he paid the house note but using my money. What a snake in the dirt! At that point I really just wanted to know what was going on with him so I was willing to sit down and discuss the situation with him but he got angry and slapped me across my face. He told me that I had repeated to him that I didn't really need to know what was going on with the budget just as long as everything was paid and on time. That was his excuse for not telling me that he was taking money out of my account. Well needless to say when he put his hands on me I used his cane and beat the crap out of him. No one, and I mean no one is allowed to touch me in that way and every since that night we have not shared a bed. I knew then that the marriage was pretty much over for me. That happened last March and I'm still trying to figure out how to get out. It can't be that difficult because people do it all the time. I think I need a some sort of life coach to help me to navigate all of the changes that I'll need to make. The other thing that I noticed is that he no longer takes his mom and sister out to dinner and movies anymore and he's not offering to guy rounds when he visits a bar. REALLY?? When I look back at the time that I've spent with him and various situations that are questionable I realize how he's been lying to me all these years. I've had people question me about his comments and how they say he bashes me behind my back. Oh well, I'm sure you're probably bore and have heard enough of me. Thanks for your time. Pam (forgive all errors in this almost book that I've written. I'm writing this while on my break so I don't have much time to proofread.)

Holy Hannah! What an all out jerk! Why have you waited since March? Run, do not walk, to a lawyer and disentangle this POS from your life ASAP. No one should have to put up with that sort of treatment.

Good morning Colleenoz, Yes, that's a good question. I am currently working on my exit plan which I hope to implement within the next two months because I'll need to pay off my debt before I divorce him and a few other things are pending.

Good for you Pam. Plan things out. Speak to a lawyer and wish his lying ..ss soyanara!! Treat yourself to a vacation on the islands, have a good laugh and come back with a new you. It's nver too late to start over, wiser, and tougher. Enjoy your life because he will need you more than you need him. Prepare your nest egg and kick his rump out the door!

If you ever catch yourself saying "I'm just not miserable enough to leave yet.", you're lying to yourself. You are miserable enough to leave, trust me.

If you've been with the same person for 40 years or so, you can get them out of your life, but not out of your dreams, no matter whom you take up with afterward. Fortunately, they don't complain about the way you load the dishwasher in your dreams. She's gone, but she's never going to leave.