A niece of mine, when this happened to her, said "They have books and advice on how to help children deal with divorce, but nothing for adult children".

I'm so sorry for you all.

How sad for your Mom and you and your sister. I hope gf drops him when she has all the icky parts of him as well as the fun times. 24/7 isn't as much fun as now and then. I'll keep you all in my prayers. I hope Mom can find someone to talk to, and trough, this with.
Leslie

That's really sad. Hope everything works out.

That must be awful. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

That is awful and I am so sorry you and your mom are going thru this tough time.

I don't know if this will help you but my uncle did the same thing. He left my aunt for his mistress. The family was devestated for a while, but it actually worked out best for everyone involved. My uncle has since married his mistress and we all love her to death. My aunt met and married a great guy and is happy as well. It just took a few years for everything to sort out.

I'm sorry this has affected you; divorce is never easy. I hope that your family will get thru the first tough year and that things will eventually sort out. Good luck

Hugs to your mom.

My Dad had an affair when I was 25 and expecting my first child, but he and my mother worked it out.

Divorce after a number of years seems to be quite common. The parents of a woman whose blog I read divorced after 30+ years and you would be surprised at the number of women who commented their parents had divorced after they were grown.

Maybe this isn't the time to say this, but I hope she looks out for her future, and has a good lawyer who'll will see she gets all she intitled to. She's earned it after 35 years.
Leslie

That is awful. I'm sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. Hugs to your mother.

Linda

I could see being angry with dad if you were a child but at this point, I don't know what he has done to you. Try to keep your feelings out of it and be there for your mom. She will want an ally, but taking sides isn't going to do you any good in the long run. Hugs to your mom, and I hope she recovers triumphantly. And ditto what Leslie said.

That is a hard one to take. My heart goes out to your Mom. If he originally wanted to work on the marriage I wonder what changed his mind. The Mistress could have put pressure on him. The "new" will wear off of her real fast, I'm sure he is mourning over disappointing all of you too!

Trust me, he can't feel good about himself. Just keep telling your Mom what a wonderful person she is. Maybe she can come visit you for a while, or another relative. She needs lots of hugs.

Gayle

We have her pretty well taken care of on that part. We have hired a lawyer and are protecting her assets. She's just not in the frame of mind to be thinking that far ahead. This sounds awful but right now our main goal is to keep her ticked off. I think if he wanted to come home right now she would let him and I am so afraid he will hurt her more.

It's so hard becuase no matter what he's done he is still my dad. I am a daddy's girl and this just hurts.

It ain't over till it is over.
Do you really think that keeping her angry is a good strategy?
Maybe getting her to visit you in your town would be a good thing? A change of scenery?

Nobody, but nobody knows all the facets of their parent's marriage, all the interactions in years of marriage.

I agree with not making her angry. It won't do her any good, no matter what the final outcome. Just make sure she is taken care of legally and financially, and doesn't take any steps she can't back away from, if she wishes.
Please don't make her do something final that she's not ready to do.
She's an adult...be there for her, but don't take over.

Sorry about the situation. I wish I could give you advice that would help. All I can offer is, it takes two to make a marriage work, don't choose sides. No one knows what goes on in a relationship. My brother in law left my sis after 30 years and she was crushed, but I don't blame him for leaving her. Life is to short to be unhappy.

Besides a lawyer - which you have done -- suggest that your mom get some counseling -- it may make it easier for her to deal with by talking with someone who is not involved personally -- I would suggest your local mental health association for suggestions/recommendations.

You might look for some family counseling for the family. Sending hugs and prayers for the right decisions made for the family

Not so much that we are keeping her angry...I know that sounded awful. We are so worried about her right now. My dad can't seem to make up his mind as to what he wants and every time he goes back to her he just keeps breaking her heart. If she' angry she actually stands up for herself. She's not strong enough right now to know what she wants and so therefore he is calling all the shots right now.

His girlfriend is two years older than I am and has 4 kids. I have no idea what he's thinking right now. I am not even going to try to guess.

I just know how badly my mom is hurting. This is suppose to be the best time of their life. They have raised their kids, they have grandkids, they are both getting ready to retire. This is what they have worked for over the last 35 years.

Boy I just don't get it.

That's what I was trying to say about taking sides. With the exception of trying to figure out why most men have affairs, you have no reason to be angry with your father. It isn't up to you to insert your assessment of what their lives should be right now, nor to determine he has ruined it all. You have no idea what transpired between your mother and father. For all you know, he hasn't been happy these past few years out of 35. For all you know, he wasn't happy 34 years out of 35. Frankly, it really doesn't matter where you are concerned. Instead of deciding you are going to control this situation and its outcome, just be supportive of your mom. If she wants to take him back, that is up to her. You are applying more pressure on her than she is able to process at the moment. Imagine a year from now she blames you for her loneliness, feeling she would have her husband if it weren't for your pressure. Are you prepared to face up to that? And, when you want daddy, how do you face him with your tail between your legs, knowing you judged him and sided against him? Would you have the fortitude to confess it to him? This is between the two of them, not you or anyone else. Decide to be neutral and you won't have to answer to anyone later on and will be able to continue loving both your parents.

Divorce is so hard on everyone!

I just opened my email and found this that came through one of my Yahoo groups.
If you are a religious woman, read Ephesians 4:29.

What has happened is an awful blow to your mother's ego and self esteem. Build her up emotionally, and you can do that without making/keeping her angry and without tearing your father down. Think about what she needs and not what you want for her.

I definitely agree with Monica PA's last post! I've been through a late divorce. We were married for almost 28 years and for all those years I acted like I was happy and my kids, family and friends had no idea how absolutely miserable I was. I felt like I couldn't be me and I had no future. Finally something snapped and I told him I was leaving and I did and never went back. He was devastated and the kids (one grown and married and 2 young ones) were totally shocked. My grown son was just totally lost at what to do when a friend told him to just do nothing but be there for both of us. That's what he did and it was the best thing for him and for us. I was so happy when the exDH found someone else and got married. I really didn't want him to be miserable. And I can say that I've been so happy since our separation and divorce, and the kids are well adjusted and happy too.

I hope your Mom and Dad's situation turns out as well.

As Monica said Nobody, but nobody knows all the facets of their parent's marriage, all the interactions in years of marriage. That is so, so true!

Glenda is so right........divorce is hard on everyone. I'm glad you're helping your Mom with the financial/practical side of things. Their financial future was based on them being a couple until one passed away. It can really get tricky at their ages to have enough for them both living separate lives. I'm not advocating 'take him for all he's got'. That's not right either, but she does have to look out for her future, retirement, etc. I wish your family all the best during this turmoil.

Shirley

It's always the kids who suffer, no matter their age. But a young child may feel it was their fault somehow. It still hurts, no matter your age.
Leslie

This is a difficult topic.

My thoughts, having gone through this with parents married 20+ years, is that you cannot predict or influence what each will decide to do. You need to talk to each parent, and you need to be non-judgemental about it.

Everyone deserves to be happy in their lives. If your father is unhappy in the marriage, why should anyone pressure him into staying? Yes, going outside the marriage before ending it was wrong, and hurtful.

But there are two people in each marriage. You really have no clue what went on in that relationship. No marriage ever ends with only one party at fault. Each contributes to both the good and the bad.

If your father is wavering and vacillating over it - ask him where he really wants to be in 5 or 10 years.

Please do help your mother protect herself legally, but don't try to maintain her anger. That will be counterproductive to her moving on with her life.

Talk to your or her clergyman. It will help. I've been there.

I am so sorry. I can't imagine the shock this was to you and your mom, too. I hope it all works out somehow.

I am so sorry.. My parents divorced after 25+ years.. I was completely devastated. There was no 3rd person. I really did stay out of it, as did my brother - probably alittle easier when there isn't a third person. You truly don't know what goes on behind closed doors but that certainly doesn't make it any easier, especially to see your dad hurt your mom. Please encourage your mother to seek counseling asap, along w/ retaining an attorney. And bite your tongue as much as possible and just be supportive.

First of all, please remember that it is not your fault - You were out of the loop when it happened.

1. Next, don't judge until you have more of the facts. Listen to both sides and do not take sides at this juncture.

2. Be supportive to your mother and help her cope, but do not let her become your "baby". She will have to become her own person, but at this moment, she is devastated.

3. If the divorce proceeds, advise her to not make any major changes in her estate until she had had time to recoup. What she is going through is similar to loosing a spouse through death, but with an added sting. I saw my mother make a bad sale on her house after Dad died. She wanted out of their house and jumped too quickly on the sale of her house - sold it too cheaply. She should have counter offered, but did not and took the low ball price. She signed before consulting with anyone. She was a natural tightwad and under normal circumstances would not have done this.

((((((((((((((((((Hugs to all)))))))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry.

I'm so sorry, and I do understand what you meant about the angry part. We went through this with my sister.

One of my co-workers' husbands walked out on her after around 30 years of marriage. He waited until New Year's Eve, when the clock striked 12 (for tax reasons), and then pulled a suitcase from behind his chair. He told her he had been seeing someone else and was leaving her. That was many, many years ago and she is still so very hurt about it.

It has been my experience that even though divorce is devastating to all involved.....In nearly all cases, the parties involved are better off in the end. My advice would be to try and be there for your parents...one never knows the whole story in a marriage...Everyone thought I had the perfect marriage and it just wasn't...Everyone thought my daughter had the perfect marriage...we made it look that way until we finally hit the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" and got out..The sad thing is that your Dad took the cowardly way out.

You can be shocked and hurt and all those things..just don't be judgemental...

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I agree with some of the others - try not to take sides. They're both your parents and need your love and support. It won't be easy on either of them, either. ((firemanswife))

I'm so sorry. 35 years is a long time. Make sure your
mom gets what she is entitled to.....alimony and half of
his pension,etc.

When one door closes, another opens...

I'll get flamed for saying this, but...

Divorce is SOOOOOO much harder to deal with than death. My mom always told me that and now, having talked with several women who experienced both death of a spouse and divorce of a spouse, I have no more doubts.

When they die, you get sympathy cards and tasty casseroles and warm hugs. When they divorce you, there's very little sympathy. When they die, you have to learn to live alone and cope the best you can but you have memories of good times to sustain you. When it's a divorce, you have to learn to live alone and you ALSO have to deal with the agony of rejection, abandonment, disappointment and figure out how to make peace with the fact that the marriage you invested your heart and soul in - failed.

When it's loss by death, at least you have sweet memories to hang onto. When it's a divorce, all those memories through all those years get injected with a toxic hit of poison, with comments such as, "You know, I don't think I ever did really love you..."

My mom was divorced after 28 years. It was very very hard on her but she survived and the rest of her long life was happy and joyful and sweet and good. My dad did the same thing as yours; walked out so he could take up with someone new.

I was divorced after 24 years. It was very very hard but I survived and now I'm married to a good man and his life's purpose is to make me happy. Took six years to get here, but it's pretty nice.

My thoughts and prayers are with your Mom. I hope she gets through this okay.

Rose

Rose,

My mom made the same comment. If my dad would of passed away she would have no other choice but to move on but since he left and has a new girlfriend, it's harder to get over. He calls and drops by and the hurt starts all over again...this just isn't the way it's suppose to be.

Thank you so much for all of your input.

Why does he keep stopping by? To keep her hopes up? So she won't go for any alimony, or 1/2 of his pension? Which she IS entitled to after 35 years.
Another thing that happens when you become a single woman again, be it death or divorce, the friends you had, stop coming by, or calling you. Like your now a threat or something. You don't fit into their social life, because your single, not a pair. At least that's what I've found.
Leslie

So sorry :( Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus~~we will never understand them!

Rose...Have you had a husband die...I have....and I have been divorced too.........Trust me when I tell you it doesn't come close to being the same.....The problem is that some women choose not to move on or to sit and suck their thumbs forever feeling sorry for themselves....poor little me .......and that's especially true when there is another woman involved...they use that as a crutch for never surviving divorce or getting over it... they don't have to bear any of the blame and can tell the world that the other woman was the cause....I'm perfect, he'd still love me if it wasn't for that woman luring him away...and that's rarely the case.