I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Saying a prayer.

Ditto what Shee said - keeping you in my thoughts. Wishing you much happiness in the future.

tina

I'm so sorry you and your family have been going through this. I don't know you (though I've seen your kitchen and you guys did a great job) but you seem to be the kind of person who can really follow through on a plan and make things turn out the way you envisioned them. But it takes 2 to make a relationship work, so it's not the same. I'm sure you'll make a plan and be happy on your own. How old are your kids? Must be teenagers? It'll be rough for them but they're old enough to understand that if you (and their father) were unhappy and stressed in the marriage, then this is for the best for everyone, including them, though logistics might be more challenging with 2 households. Best wishes to all of you as you figure that out. (((((HUGS))))

anele, I'm hoping reno's divorce to due to much more than just her unhappiness. I hope people don't think that kids are so resiliant (sp?) that divorce doesn't effect them. There are numerous studies nowadays to prove otherwise. I think reno's kids are older, so maybe they understand more. If you are a kid and you have lived with your mom and dad and then one is out of the house, it is a big change and not one to take lightly. I'm sure that is why reno has taken so long to make up her mind. I commend her on that.

My son would be absolutely DEVASTATED if my husband had to move out of the house. I love my husband, but, we do not see eye to eye on everything and IF only for a fleeting second I even thought about divorce, all it takes is to look how my son adores his dad, and there is no way I could do that to him.

While I know you guys are wishing Reno the best, and I certainly am also, it really does effect the children and shouldn't be viewed so lightly, IMO. Kids do survive divorce, but, we don't want our kids to "just survive" do we, we want them to have a healthy, happy and stable childhood.

Very best wishes to you, reno. I know you'll put your special reno energy, intelligence, and creativity into forging a new good life.

(((Hugs))) for you and big cheers as well for your courage, as I know it must take a lot of courage and strength to finally say "enough". I'll keep you in my prayers.
Lynn

It's brave and big step to take - wishing you all the luck. Take care of yourself please.

olliesmom: I am not sure who on this board you are referring to with this statement:

"it really does effect the children and shouldn't be viewed so lightly, IMO. Kids do survive divorce, but, we don't want our kids to "just survive" do we, we want them to have a healthy, happy and stable childhood."

Who is taking this lightly? As I said, I lost my father permanently-- to death-- when I was 13. For one, this is not the case for Reno's children. They WILL have their father. I don't think, for an instant, than anyone here thinks this will not affect the children. The point of my post, having lived in a very kind and loving BUT dysfunctional family is that a dysfunctional family will NOT = a healthy, happy, and stable childhood.

I think hoping she is divorcing "due to much more than just her unhappiness" is an unfair statement at best, and extremely demeaning at worst, especially to make to someone you do not know, at a time when she is most vulnerable. She is a person, with needs and wants, and she has every right to have peace in her life. She is not simply a "parent." Even so, to do well as a parent, one must feel loved, supported, and validated.

Of course your son would be devastated if your husband moved out. But, he would also learn that you are human, and that human beings make mistakes, change, and that if the change was made in an effort to improve, then things will ultimately be better than ever. To me, THIS is the responsibility of the parent, to show children how to get through the difficult parts of life and strive to make life better-- not to stick to a situation that is clearly not working.

I hope you really consider Reno's feelings when you post, to realize that you have never, not for a day, walked in her shoes, and that she needs support at this time, when she most likely has many doubts and fears worse than you can ever imagine. Pouring salt on an open wound isn't helpful for anyone.

I have to agree with Anele. Ollie, making those statements is implying Reno only thinks of herself and not her children. She said the marriage was over ten years ago, looks to me she put her children FIRST.

I think we all "know" Reno good enough by reading her posts to know she's not a self-centered ditz.

I think it's a given she's done nothing but think of her kids during this time. And I'm sure (assuming) that the children have picked up on this since the marriage was basically over ten years ago. Kids are very astute, and that's why the "professionals" say do NOT stay together for the sake of the children because it only makes them miserable, along with the parents.

Support, comfort, prayers etc. is what we should be offering right now. I don't believe it's necessary or appropriate to remind how divorce effects children. I'm sure she's put much thought into everything.

Reno, the hardest thing was making the decision to "pull the plug".

Since you know it's what you had to do and you had the guts to do it, then what follows will be easier.

You will be fine and so will your children.

Best of luck and stay close to us.

Mona

Reno, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are in my thoughts. Thanks for updating us.

Dee

This isn't the marriage forum, this is the home decorating forum. Ollie, I'm sure you aren't meaning to come across as unsupportive but it kind of reads that way, KWIM? Sure, ideally, kids are raised in a two parent household with happy parents. I support this notion too. Sometimes life isn't ideal.

I left my DH when my DD was 5. It was the best choice I ever made. She survived and thrived in spite of our divorce. She's 39 now so I feel pretty confidant in saying this. Then, it was not an easy decision and I didn't take it lightly.

We haven't walked a single block in Reno's shoes and no one simply throw's away a 17 year marriage. Let's try and keep this little tiny side of our world supportive and try not to judge, OK?

((more hugs to everyone))

Reno, I want to wish you and your children the best of luck & happiness as well as being able to adjust.

I've been divorced twice. It is not an easy decision when there are kids. With ex 1, I knew it was the right decision; working things out was never discussed.. too young. With #2 I stayed much too long and if I could turn back time, would have left 2 years sooner as I don't think my daughter would have the problems she does due to how old she was when I had to leave (abuse).

We don't know how our kids are going to take the divorce; we also don't know how they'd take living in an unhappy house. I am the product of an unhappy marriage where my "mother" cheated. I swore that I would not waste my life like my dad did. The saddest thing when he was diagnosed with cancer; his wife (my "mother") could care less. She was not at the hospital every day like me, none of the doctors or nurses knew who she was after 7 months of treatment & weeks in the hospital. Nor was it her disinfecting their house to make sure he didn't get sicker. The lowest was when she said not to bring him home from the hospital but to throw him in a nursing home. My dad wasn't gone 15 hours when she needed to find a man; then I got to hear how she never loved him.

Sorry to stray; hopefully the bit I shared will help others to know that staying isn't always good for the kids. I have many bad memories of a bad marriage that lasted much too long & know all too well myself how it can affect kids because we lived it.

You have tried to save your marriage and couldn't; the decision to separate is made & eventually you will know if it was the right choice for you.

Either your kids are going to be ok or they are not. I don't think there really is any way to tell how they'd be with unhappy parents verses the decision to divorce.

Reno, sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. You bring alot of beauty to life in your decorating. I wish you future happiness.

Sending positive thoughts your way to help you transition through this difficult time. Brighter days are ahead.

Nice that some people decided to use this thread as a way to preach what they think about divorce. I suppose that is the way of the internet, but I don't recall reno asking for advice and whether she should divorce, just prayers and support for something that was a difficult decision that took her a year to make. Even if you don't agree, it's a simple thing to give someone good wishes for happiness and to include them in your prayers, no?

Well said, roselvr. Was it Dr Phil who said "The only thing worse than coming from a broken home is living in one?"

Divorce is *never* easy. It affects every single aspect of your life. I stayed in my first marriage to the point where I didn't (couldn't) even cry over my marriage when it ended. It was the single best choice I ever made, both for me and our daughter. And maybe even for him.

My post was in regards to anele's post, about it may not be as hard on kids and you may think. Sorry, but, that part just really got to me.

I re-read my post, and I should have posted it more towards anele's statement, it was a little unclear, I guess.

I'll bow out now, as I shouldn't have posted what I did earlier and am feeling bad about it, and, I truly do wish Reno's family the best.

Also, my best friend is going through this right now, and it really hit a soft spot with me. After a year, her kids were still suffering and she went back to her husband. He was no alcoholic, abuser, womanizer, etc., she just didn't love him anymore. But, her kids are VERY close to their dad, and just couldn't handle him being out of their house.

I know there is no magic answer, and I have NO IDEA what Reno's situation is, and, I thought I gave her kudos for sticking it out so long!

Sorry for the timing of my above post, but, it just irks me when people say kids are resilent and will get over it. Of course, they do, they have no choice.

olliesmom, gotcha, thanks for explaining. I don't think anyone was trying to trivialize the kids but just pointing out that miserable parents are not often good parents, nor is that a good role model for them for their own future relationships. And there are just too many factors to judge so in many cases the best thing to do is just be supportive and trust that the person in question has done what they can do and is making the right decision.

Ah, reno, I caught that hint you dropped a couple of weeks ago, but didn't want to say anything. It's such a tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear you're in it. Please feel free to come here and lean on us (we're better than RL friends -- we don't know your DH!) as much as you want. And please don't take too hard the comments on your situation. As they say in LaLeche, take what you can use and leave the rest, right?

(((((Reno)))))

Olliesmom, since you are singling me out . . . if you knew me, which you don't, you would know that I am one of the fiercest advocates for my children. When one of my children was unhappy at school, I never would have dreamed of leaving her in a situation and thinking she would "get over" or even want her to "survive" school-- we are now homeschooling, and she is one of the happiest children I know. I do not think children-- or anyone-- should just "survive" and "get over it" in general, so why would I EVER think this about children when their parents are divorcing?

I would like to clarify that I never said this, and I never implied this:

"Sorry for the timing of my above post, but, it just irks me when people say kids are resilent and will get over it. Of course, they do, they have no choice."

You are reading things into what I wrote that simply aren't there. I said it MAY not be as hard for the children as one might think. MAY. Based on my experience, SOMETIMES children are actually relieved when they do not have to live with both parents in an unhappy family. Of COURSE they feel a sense of loss and it will affect them forever, but sometimes it is the lesser of the two evils.

I am sorry for your friend's children, but like you said, there is no magic answer. I am sure your friend put a lot of thought into her divorce and is well aware that it will affect the children- but this does not mean she should have stayed in a loveless marriage. I hope you have offered her support, and not judgment.

I am sorry, Reno, that this thread has taken this turn. My response above is my last comment to people who in any way are trying to add to your worries. I am thinking about you and hoping you are getting the support you need and deserve.

Positive thoughts for the smoothest possible transition for all involved.

I will say, however, that my parents separated when I was 4 and divorced when I was 5 (I think they had been married 9 years?), and that was the best gift they could have given me. To use psychspeak, they were not modeling a rational and loving relationship for me, since their marriage had deteriorated far past any salvaging short of a wave by a fairy godmother's magic wand. I shudder to think what I would have turned out like had they remained together "for the child's sake" as too many people thought they should!

Reno, thanks for sharing and popping in, you've been a treasured personality here for so long it's nice to see you here again. Really EVERYONE worries for you and the kids and wishes the world could be a perfect place, but alas it isn't. All we can do is try,and you did. I'm kinda sad though, I'll miss reading the mother-in-law stories, they were doozy's!!! :P Any decisions about living arrangements?

Reno, like flyleft I thought something like this might be happening in your life based on a comment you recently made, but again, like flyleft I didn't feel it appropriate to comment unless you wanted to bring it out.

As others have said, although I don't 'know' you, the parts of your life you choose to share online have given me a sense of you as a warm, generous and loving person. I hope your path in the days and months ahead brings you peace and the life you deserve to live, along with your family. I have no doubt you think always of your children, and that your decisions are never made lightly or without consideration of how they affect them.

I also believe very strongly that in the end the ONLY people who know the truth about a relationship are the two people in it. And for that reason I never judge.

Peace to you.
Ann

((((Reno)))) Best of wishes to you and your children as you navigate this portion of your life. Things will get better.

((((Reno)))) thinking of you and your children in these difficult times. May you find joy, peace and healing as you move forward. Sue

I remember crying myself to sleep so many nights hoping my parents would divorce. (I think there may be a reason me and my three siblings are all in our forties and never married.)

Only you can really know what is best for you and your children. I can't imagine what a hard decision it must have been.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers, Reno.

Reno, our family is going through this right now -- DD is divorcing after 19 years. It's tough, and my heart hurts for you, as it does for her and her situation. My prayer for you will be that you and your kids will make it through in good shape and that you'll find strength and courage on the journey. Blessings to all of you.

Peace be with you and your family Reno. Through reading your posts here on GW you are a strong, generous and loving person and will navigate through this experience with grace.

Reno, one of the hardest thing to do is to leave a marriage, especially when there are children involved. I don't know your personal situation or your heart, but please know that I am sending you positive energies to buoy you through this difficult transition in your life.

I'm sorry Reno. I'm sure this is the right decision and that it will all work out in the end. You and the kids will be fine. My thoughts go out to you.

(((Reno))) Sorry you are going through this tough time... but *CHEERS* to a future full of possibilities and happiness for you and your family =)

My parents divorced when I was 16, which was about 6 years overdue IMHO (my mom agrees in retrospect). I was so HAPPY when my mom finally got out of the bad marriage. Happy for her, happy for me, happy for my younger brother and sister.

Yes, it was hard financially. But my mom is strong and determined, as I strongly suspect you are, and I firmly believe that my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened for our family. Well, maybe not my father, he is a hopeless alcoholic jerk, but there was no need for all of us to be miserable just because he is. Now he is alone and miserable and we are all MUCH better off without him.

Good luck, stay strong and focused. You will be much better off, and your happiness and strength will rub off on your children.

(((((Reno))))) I'm sending prayers and loads of positive energy your way. I know exactly what it's like to hit upon the realization that you just aren't going to live your life as it's been going for years any longer. I wish you and your children only the best as you embark upon the next part of your journey. You can - and will - be happy again.

I laughed when I read flyleft's post but she is right. We're better than your RL friends because we don't know DH. How true and what a nice thing to say, Fly.
We'll be your one sided friends.

Reno, are you staying in your house? Is it going to be a nice divorce? Did you both want out? Are the kids handling it OK?

Reno - sending you positive engery to get through this difficult time in your life. You seem like a really energetic, funny, and attractive woman. I think as long as you are happy, your kids will do just fine. Best wishes for all of you.

my positive thoughts for a smooth transition....
enjoy your new beginning.

Reno, I feel like I know you after a couple years on here . I am more about reading than contributing but what I do know about you is:
You could have your own show on HGTV.
1. You are that talented.
2. You are very intelligent.
3. You make good choices.
4. I have seen pics of you and you are pretty as a picture.
5. On hands Parenting.
6. Know when to fold um.
7. Wise
You have it all.
I can't see you doing anything but making a great life for you and yours.
Lots of luck !
Linda

Linda, what beautiful words of wisdom. Why are you silent? You are amazing. Please join us!

Linda, you're on the right track but I need to make one correction:

Reno's show would be a *vast improvement* over what's on HGTV these days.

Other than that, carry on...

Sending you lots of (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) Reno as you start a new chapter in your life.

Thank you all. I know we have a long road ahead, but I honestly feel better than I have in YEARS. I had no idea how much I'd been dying inside. I've been a less than good mother, Realtor, friend, daughter, everything because I was fighting "giving up" for so long. One thing I've learned is that loyalty to the point of death and pain is NOT always a good thing.

As a child of divorce, I know full well how it affects kids. I have to say though, that I was so happy to have grown up seeing a truly happy, truly whole mom, rather than a shell of a woman pretending she was happy. I got/get almost all of my strength from watching how my mom dealt with being divorced.

My heart aches for my kiddos, but I know in the long run we will all be better for this. I only wish I'd been able to do this sooner. As I said, it's been over for a very, very long time.

Again, thank you all for your support. It means so very much.

Renofan, best wishes to you and your family and hopes for a happy future.

demi

Reno .. Sending you so many positive thoughts and hugs!!

Reno...Sorry to hear the news.

BUT!

you and your children will be fine.

I know this type of thing, I'm gifted that way... :)

ML

Stephanie, I am truly sorry for what I know you're going through, but I know this must have been something that you felt had to done. You're a tough cookie (but soft and gooey on the inside and not at all stale! ;-) ), and I know you'll be fine. I wish only the best for you and your children.

It takes a lot of guts and courage to leave rather than stay and and be safe.

Although, I know it hurts your a brave woman Reno.

May God bless you and your family.

....Jane

Blessings to you! You are an exceptionally talented lady and I know you will be fine and will make a wonderful home for your little family. You and the kidlets will be in my special thoughts.
J

Sending postive thoughts your way Reno! Best of luck to you all.
Amy