Jessi,

There is no way that you should be taking this abuse. Being married and making it permanent would only make it worse. Please look after yourself first and get out now. No one has the right to take advantage of you and to use your body in the way that you have posted. I have a DH who complains about the house conditions, I also have 3 little ones under the age of 4 and am 4 months pregnant and he just doesn't get it and understand what work the kids are and how it may be clean but only takes the kids 10 minutes with their toys to make everything a mess. But in no way would I put up with the treatment that you describe.

Stacie
girlsingardens

Love is a two-way street where both partners respect each other. He's not respectful (yelling, blowing up, name calling, threatening, ignoring your requests, telling you you're talking back (?! that's something a parent might discuss with their child, you're not his child). That's abuse. Do you deserve it? No, never. Nothing warrants his abuse, ever. You're not paranoid, defective, impatient, or stupid. You're a grown woman who knows what feels right. Does this feel right? If not, listen to your instincts. Believe yourself, not him. He's all about control and unmet needs. He'd be like this with another woman. Nothing you do or don't do will help.

I hope things become clear to you and you find your way to what you want and need. Take care of you.

Assuming this is not bogus post....

Your BF is sick as can be. Get away from him ASAP...like today...like five minutes from now. Really. Get out of there. He's dangerous.

Once you're safe again, might work on yourself. Normal, healthy people don't allow others to treat them this way. Find out why you have and fix it. If you don't, you'll hook up with another stinker.

I'm sorry to get off track, but I can't sit by any more: asolo, what is it with you that you have to debase and debunk all those you consdier bogus? Are you trying to look like you are too smart to fall prey to something? I don't get it. And you come off as untrusting and suspicious, even when it's not warranted?????? Try to skip posting if you think they are trying to scam you. Just ignore them. Or leave off your sarcastic, "Ah ha! I see you and you're not fooling me" comments. Without it, this time, it would've been perfect advice.

Yo rob333....

You write what you want. I'll write what I want.

Sorry if you think that's a troublesome concept.

Hey guys, I appreciate all the advice. I am trying to get out of this relationship and I promise you this is not bogus and is not a joke. This man does this to me. I just wanted to know if I was making the right choice in wanting to get out. I'm 25 and have been with this guy since I was 18, so it's hard. He keeps telling me when he kicks me out I won't amount to anything without him and the next person I meet will kick me out too, becasue I'm a piece of sh*T. It's hard to have any self-confidence or anything, but I'm thankful for all of your advice. It really helps me to see he has problems and it's not just me.
- Jessi

"...it's hard..."

Actually it isn't...once you've made up your mind. From your description, you're past-due for moving on. I encourage you to decide and act.

Appears to me you're wary of the "unknown" because however bad it is, it's still familiar. The unfamiliar can be scary. I can assure you that fear isn't worth the concern you seem to have about it.

You've described a dangerous man. You must get away from him. I have every confidence that six months or a year from now, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

The world's full of pretty nice people. No reason to settle for an abusing, insulting nut-case such as you've described.

I agree 100%! You're going to get farther away and look back with happiness that it's over.

If you are wondering if it is abuse and it is, then you really need to get out before you start thinking it's normal or that you deserve it. It must be like an addiction because so many women stay in that kind of environment. I have a nice home, nice car , but I would give it all up and live in a one room apartment before I let anyone abuse me.

I also think this is a bogus post or this woman/girl is entirely clueless. Here's why:

1.It's very "sensational"- remember the post about the guy who married a prostitute and etc. It sounds a lot like that - way more sensational than the issues we usualy see here.

2."She" is 25, apparently educated, her post is spelled correctly and no grammar mistakes - but she wouldn't know that all this constitutes abuse? C'mon now. Young women today are smarter than that.

3. Way too much use of profanity-this is supposed to be a tender-hearted young thing who doesn't even know if she is being abused- and she talks like a sailor-a guy wrote this- probably a first year college or high school kid.

4.Just registered today and posted for the first time- admits anal rape to a forum full of strangers - not likely a young, confused girl would do that. Furthermore, it doesn't SOUND like a female. Troll, no doubt in my mind.

So what if it is a troll? Why point out their behavior? What are you gaining? Why not ignore them instead? I don't understand what you're gaining by pointing it out endlessly. Ok, maybe not endlessly. It's just more than seems necessary. Maybe they'll go away if you stop giving them the time of day. And what if they aren't? There are some really abnormal relationships out there. Not in the public eye, but they are there. Could be that the poster is one such person. Bashing them only makes them feel worse and isn't helpful in any way. You really want to put your name on that? Seems to be self-serving to point and hurt. I find it completely puzzling behavior either way. It's ok if you say what you want, no skin off my nose. I've been perplexed about fussing at trolls over here for awhile. I am pretty sure I'm not out of line saying what I am, just an opinion... so we are on opposite sides of the issue. I'll just keep being puzzled over here and wishing them well. Hope you realize that unless you are standing in their presence, you don't fully know what the real circumstances are.

I came here for advice and for support, scarlett2001. Not to be criticised even more. Yeah, I may be stupid to put up with this guy's crap, but I love him and there are times when he can be a nice person. I have made plans to get out of this relationship though and I just wanted to ask other people thier opinions so I could get different views on the matter. I need the support so I can have the courage to leave. I would not come here & waste my time if this was not a legitimate concern for me. As for my grammar, I write everything in MS Word with a spell check. If you think this is fake that's fine. You can think whatever you want. I still appreciate the posts.
-Jessi

"...courage..."

There ya go!

Love? You haven't described anything that resembles it on his side or yours. All I've perceived is habit and familiarity. As many people will tell you, "love" isn't enough. And the behavior you've described is intolerable at best, symptomatic at worst.

I wish you well on whatever path you choose.

Thanks for the understanding, guys =) I'm glad that you mentioned that some relationships are abnormal, which mine very much is. I guess I should have read around a bit more before I posted my problem on here. I don't want to offend anyone or make them feel nasty. I guess my situation is pretty deep. My apologies.
- Jessi

He made it that way, and you deserve much much better than his ways Jessi. Go find true happiness.

Yes, it's abuse.

This guy is doing the same thing to you that pimps do to prostitutes;

intimidating you with rage & threats,
demanding that you make the money,
convincing you that you're somehow substandard, that you're lucky to have him, that you can't survive without him, & that no one else will have you,
"punishing"/"disciplining"/*assaulting!* you.

It's all based on making you believe several big lies:

the truth is...
he doesn't love you,
he isn't entitled to "discipline" you,
he isn't entitled to your income or the products of your talents, &
you own yourself;
he does not own you, he has no property rights to your body or your mind or your heart or your soul.

Pimps & other abusers are parasites & predators at the same time;
parasites feed off you from the inside, predators from the outside.

He's feeding off your emotional vulnerabilities & off your income-producing potential.

Get outta there now.

& get a *strong* support system & use it;

women who've been beaten down are very much like battle-fatigued soldiers, their immediate response to *everything* is to do whatever it is that they've had to do to survive, which in the case of domestic abuse is...submit.

It's very easy to slip back into submissive survival mode & be victimized all over again, by the same guy or by another one.

I wish you the best.

1. Isolation is a powerful weapon for any abuser;
the first thing a pedophile is to convince his victim that her family doesn't love her, doesn't understand her, doesn't want her, that none of her friends is *really* a friend.
He'll convince her so thoroughly that she's likely to confront her friends & family & actually alienate *herself* from them.

example:
I was alarmed when an old roommate got involved with a guy who "swept her off her feet" (these guys also push for fast involvement), & I told her I thought she should slow down & be careful.

She gave me a cynical look & said, "He *said* you'd try to break us up, that you'd be jealous."

He had her convinced that I wasn't her friend.
This guy will try to convince you that you have no friends, that nobody likes you, that your family & your old friends are glad you're gone & that they don't want you back.

That is a lie; it's what he needs you to believe so that he can control you.

2. He'll tell you you're crazy.
That's a lie; he needs you to think you're crazy so he can control you.
As long as you are afraid to confide in family or friends for fear that they'll put you away, he can do whatever he wants.

If you're thinking for yourself, he doesn't have complete control.

He wants you to think you're crazy so he can control you.

Take care, & get away.

Well I will have to wade in here. I must admit, I initially thought the original post was a troll.

Chickycloud, you say you love him, how can you have feelings for someone who treats you so badly ? He does not love you.

Find some support, emotional and otherwise, from family members or friends and leave.

You deserve more...a person who wants you to be happy and this guy has only selfish intentions.

How insulting to have someone tell you how to do your art !! That would really annoy me...gee !!

And he is assaulting you....verbally and physically.

Take care, and leave today.

One of the difficulties abused women have in getting help is that their "stories" sound so "unbelievable".

For many years, police scoffed at women who called in that their husbands were assaulting them & then wanted to drop the charges by the time the police arrived.

The police, & everybody else, were inclined to throw up their hands, roll their eyes, & say, "She complains that he beats her, but she keeps going back.
*She must like it.*"

Would you like it?

Nobody likes it.

Victims of abuse are so convinced of their abuser's power & their own inability to escape & to get by without the abuser that, if their lives aren't in immediate peril, they'll always back up their abuser.

Children do the same thing.

I read a haunting account of a child who was being treated in the emergency room for cigarette burns all over his body.

As the doctors & nurses worked on him, he sobbed & wailed & screamed for his mommy.

the person who burned him?

his mommy.

They aren't crazy, & they aren't making it up;
they've been isolated & controlled & programmed so that they believe what is, to an outsider, unbelieveable.

it's the reason Patty Hearst picked up a machine gun,
it's the reason those wives dropped the charges,
it's the reason brainwashing works,
it's the reason children don't rat out their abusers.

"Anal sex" stretches the bands of sphincter muscles that control the bowel.

Loss of muscle tone in that area can result in loss of control of bowel movements.

Wow, you guys hit it right on the nail with everything. My b/f is always trying to tell me my family doesn't love or care about me. I have no friends because I'm an @$$hole, and so forth.

I actually came from an abusive home. I grew up in run down trailer parks and went without so my mother could do cocaine and drink. I would cry & beg her not to use, because when she was on it I could always tell and it was very scary as a kid. She drank and would accuse me of sleeping with her boyfriends or yell at me about anything she could. Her b/f's would beat her and she'd always take them back. Of course it was always worse when she was using or drinking. We were homeless for a month and lived in our car. It was aweful. After watching my mother I chose a drug free life and I never drink. My mother is a much better person now. She had my two youngest sisters late in life and I am so happy they aren't having to go through what I did. Sometimes I wonder if I put up with my b/f's abuse because of my past.

How about you ask your mother for help ?

I would ask my mother, but she has a family and lives about 600 miles away. Plus I would not feel right going back home. I have asked a very good friend to help. She was more than happy to and is glad I finally decided to get out.

Good for you! I am so glad that you have decided to leave. Like other posters have said, six months from now, you will be happier, healthier (stress is bad for you!)and wonder why you stayed so long. My ex-boyfriend mentally abused me for 2 years before I got out. He isolated me from my friends and family, and even convinced me to move 3000 miles away, at one point! I was totally brainwashed and thought he loved me. He controlled everything in my life, down to what I ate for breakfast. My parents were going through a nasty divorce and weren't able to help me, plus, they really had no idea how bad it was. My ex threatened to kill himself if I left, and that kept me there much longer than I wanted. Watch out for that. He finally left to work for a month in another state, and during that time, my self esteem grew and I left and went back home. I only had a $100, a car, and my animals, but we drove 3000 miles back to my mom's house. I told him I didn't care if he killed himself, go ahead, because it won't have anything to do with me. He returned back to our home town, and used to leave notes for me at my work and at my mother's house. I just ignored him, and told his mother I was going to file a restraining order against him. Finally he moved on. And so did I. I met a wonderful, kind man, who treats me with respect and honesty. They are out there!!! I hope you find someone who truely cares about you too!

I wanted to believe this was a troll, too. I will take it for what it claims to be and say:
Abuse. Disgusting. It only gets worse. Leave if/when it safe to do so.
Call:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Is this post for real?

"He threatens to throw me out on the streets or make me have unwanted anal sex if I don't draw everything perfect."

You know what I would say to that... I'd look him straight in the eye and say..."Honey, if you ever make me do anything like that I don't want to do, I'll be sure you know exactly how it feels. I know people who know people who would gladly become friendly enough with you to let you know exactly how it feels and rip you a new one. So, don't ever threathen me again because I'm just dying for a reason to make sure you're able to relate to me in every single way" and then I'd leave his sorry ass.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Sometimes abuse is subtle and sometimes so consistant it's hard for an abused person to spot, but the sex stuff sounds like rape and is pretty obvious, NO? You can only put so much blame on him at this point.. you don't have kids, etc... you need to have some respect for yourself. Get out and away from the routine of accepting this kind of behavior. You really can't allow yourself to be treated this way.

"You can only put so much blame on him at this point."

WRONG!

He is the manipulator, the abuser, the assaulter.
He has victimized this woman; *all* the blame belongs to him.

The credit for seeking advice & perspective & the decision to take control of her life is what belongs to the original poster.

Abused women don't own any of the blame any more than prisoners of war, victims of kidnapping, & hostages do.

they have become *convinced* that their abuser is all-powerful, that he can do anything, that they cannot escape, that no one will help them.

Being beaten down relentlessly, day after day after day, *will* eventually destroy a person's ability to look at her captor's statements skeptically.

As I said above, it's the reason brainwashing works.

Blaming the victim is WRONG, it's backwards, it's cruel.

She isn't browbeating herself, he is.

She isn't raping herself, he is.

He is the abuser, he is the perpetrator, *he* is the one responsible, *he* is *exactly* the one to blame.

OP, do, please, get out, & do *not* blame yourself;
this guy already has conditioned you to blame yourself for his behavior, so it might even *feel* more "right" to blame yourself than to place the blame where it actually belongs, on his sadistic little head.

Do get out, but don't think that you're getting out of something you've somehow created.

You're a victim getting away from a crime scene.

You were manipulated & "groomed", just as young victims of pedophiles are manipulated & groomed.

Be careful with your physical safety, & be careful what you allow inside your head.

Some statements that purport to be "helpful advice" are just more blame that should be left in the dust just like you're leaving this guy in the dust.

Take care, & live joyously & well.

At some point in your life you have to take some responsibility for respecting yourself. Anyone 'can' be abused if they allow it... In some cases, it really does boil down to allowing the behavior. It does not sound like she is brutally being taken by force and I doubt a court room could put him away for anything, because although she doesn't enjoy it, she is consenting. Sorry, but this doesn't sound like a case of Stockholm Syndrome or even the subtle emotional abuse many woman suffer with (those woman wouldn't have posted this post), but more like a case of a girl who knows she's putting up with crap but just "needs" to have a boyfriend and doesn't want to leave. We all know the type; they'll put up with the crap that normal women wouldn't put up with. They are afraid to be alone, almost feel comfortable and at home being abused, etc...

sylvia, you may think blaming him 100% is the way to go, and that you're doing her a favor by not having her take any of the responsibility but if she doesn't take some for allowing herself to be treated like this she is probably only going to end up in another relationship with another abuser. She needs to realize that "she" is in control of this situation and change it. It's not about him; it's about her and how she sees herself. I understand where you are coming from and have studied abuse indepthly, and of course I don't want to blame the victim, but I really think this poster is only going to stay with this abuser or repeat the pattern with another one if she doesn't learn to respect herself. She knows he's an ass and what he's doing to her is wrong. Hopefully, she'll stick to her guns and actually leave him and get some help for herself.

Carla, She's not responsible in any way for his behavior. Better spoken? I think that's what Sylvia is saying. I agree. He is 100% responsible for his emotions and actions. Nothing she says or does warrants his hostility or can influence it to ever ever change. Now, she is responsbile for getting out, seeking help, and staying away. That's very true. No matter how hard it is, the ends justify her means at this point. And it's what your message, isn't it? We're not working at cross purposes here, it's a common goal: Jessi getting out.

I think that's a given, rob, that his abuse is his fault... but he may not be doing it to another girl... At some point, the poster has to say enough is enough and stick up for herself... Sadly, most people will take advantage of you if you let them and if you let them, in some cases, well then, imo, that is your fault.

If she just stood by and watched a child be sexually abused by her boyfriend...is she doing anything wrong herself?... Well, she is standing by and letting this guy abuse her -- she too is a person. She knows it's wrong and she's allowing it because it is easier for her. That's different than not realizing it's wrong as happens in many emotional abuse cases. In most emotional abuse cases, the situations don't even seem all that bad to outsiders.. "he makes fun of my cooking, he makes me wait for him when we go out, he doesn't like the way I dress, he laughs at me, etc"... it's so subtle so it's hard to accept and know it's going on. That's why it's so hard to spot. This case knocks you over like a ton of bricks. He's responsible for his behavior, but she's responsible for hers. She really needs to seek counseling to see why "she allows" this type of behavior to continue and/or finds it acceptable (probably because of her past family history). Without doing this, she will just repeat the cycle.

And, no, to the original poster, just to be clear, you are NOT doing anything to desearve this behavior from your boyfriend... but you are disrespecting yourself by allowing it to continue. Two totally different realizations that you should think about.

Of course we all want the poster to leave this guy, but thinking that solely leaving him (and that he is the only problem here) is probably not gonna to solve this poster's life problems. She needs to figure why she allows herself to be treated this way too. This is NOT the same as blaming a rape victim for wearing a low cut blouse. That's a totally different situation. Those rape victims don't go back for more. Sorry that you disagree but that's how I see it...

As I said, police, district attorneys, neighbors, & relatives used to roll their eyes & say, "She went back to him, *she must like it*".

Nobody likes it.

Nobody is "responsible" for being the victim of a crime.

Criticizing a victim & speculating or philosolophizing as to what a victim could do/could have done differently is counter-productive & horribly unfair.

I never have heard anyone say,
"You have to take some of the responsibility for having burglarized; you know people break into houses, & yet you didn't have a burglar alarm, & you had nice things in your home."

I never have heard anyone say, "You have to take some of the responsibility for being robbed at gunpoint. You were wearing a nice watch & you know that's just bait for thieves. You shouldn't have been walking, you should have been locked inside your car."

I never have heard anyone say, "You have to take some of the responisibility for having had your car stolen. What made you think nobody would steal a nice car like that?"

& yet when someone posts a message that describes systematic intimidation, assault, & verbal, physical, & mental & emotional abuse, people criticize her!

This kind of "mugging" is the most personal & involves the most difficult recovery, & criticism & blame are 2 of the very weapons the assailant has used most effectively.

Criticizing & blaming a victim of abuse is very much like pointing a gun at a soldier with post-traumatic stress & saying, "you should have prepared yourself mentally, you shouldn't have been vulnerable, you have to accept responsibility for your own night terrors".

Jessi,

Pay really close attention to: "She really needs to seek counseling to see why 'she allows' this type of behavior to continue and/or finds it acceptable (probably because of her past family history). Without doing this, she will just repeat the cycle." Carla is so right it aint even funny. You're right, your past did contribute, but it doesn't have to if you talk to and listen to a counselor who is a professional. They'll guide you out of this minefield. Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat your history, very likely.

Hey guys,
Again, I really appreciate what advice you are giving me here. I am packing my belongings as we speak and will be headed out of here on the 19th of June. I'm getting away and NOT coming back to this abuse. Also, you are VERY much right about me putting up with it, which in turn makes it worse. I know it probably has a lot to do with my past, but all that can be donw about that is talking to someone. As soon as I get to where I'm going I'm going to look into getting a counselor to try and help me get out of the 'I deserve this abuse mentality'.

Thank you guys for being honest with me and not trying to make me seem like the completely innocent one here. I know I am not and sometimes I need to be told so, so I can get help. My boyfriend is an abuser, but by putting up with it and staying, all I'm saying is it's okay for him to do it again. And it will do nothing but escalate and get worse...

-Jessi

Thanks Sylvia, my sentiments exactly.
Shame on anyone who blames the victim.
Not every victim of abuse came from abusive family backgrounds; abusers do not announce on the first date that they will be abusive (many are very charming, and liked by everyone;) sometimes even women with high self-esteem get involved with abusive men. And vice versa. It can happen gradually. When one method of control fails, the abuser tries another. Life circumstances, especially financial ones are often why victims "allow" abuse.The abuser chases off friends and family. They may have little to no resources left, even if they had a lot to begin with. Credit ratings can be destroyed very easily. Try finding housing with no money and terrible credit. For that matter, sometimes it makes it harder to find employment. Harrassment, fear of being killed, and faulty legal mechanisms all contribute to the phenomenon of domestic violence and why victims stay or go back.
I hope that Jessi gets out of there, before there are children. Having kids makes it harder to leave, and also usually means being stuck with having the abuser in your life (some or a lot) until the kids are grown.

this is awful abuse, not overreacting. get out now

i wouldn't wait until 19th, if he knows you are leaving he might do soemthing, leave today or tomorrow when he is not home. and don't pack when he can see it.

I think Jessie should, in the future, work out how she allowed this abuse to happen, and "arm" herself for the future. She must be secure, in herself, so that she can seek out healthy relationships. I don't see this as "blaming" the victim, as others have said.

We are all responsible for ourselves and protecting ourselves, as best we can. Sure, random attacks on our person and property, we can't really control, but in this case, Jessie stayed in the situation, it wasn't an isolated event.

Nevertheless, she is taking action and that takes great courage. She will grow from this experience.

She has recognised a toxic relationship, and has taken action, she has taken responsibility for her actions.

"You have to take some of the responsibility for having burglarized; you know people break into houses, & yet you didn't have a burglar alarm, & you had nice things in your home."

I do take responsibility for that - I have insurance, my insurance company says I must be responsible for installing window locks, and alarm. But I know I could be robbed, and I have been. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to make some preparation for a bad event.

"I never have heard anyone say, "You have to take some of the responisibility for having had your car stolen. What made you think nobody would steal a nice car like that?"

I am responsible for where I park it...for having it insured etc, I drive a boring car that nobody would want to steal.

These are things I have done to lesson the chances of me becoming a victim.

If we are responsible for our behavior, surely, in the terrible event we become a victim, we will move through the trauma process a lot more smoothly and eventually end up in a place of forgiveness. If we think of ourselves as a "victim" then how do we get over the trauma ?

Yet if your house were burglarized, you wouldn't blame yourself;
you'd, rightly, blame the burglar.

If you were beaten & robbed, you'd blame the person who attacked you.

Having insurance & taking precautions are not the same thing as being "responsible" for having been victimized.

to say that having taken precautions & yet *still* having been assaulted/abused/victimized should make someone move more easily through the healing process is nonsensical:

If anything, it would make one wonder if there's any way to be safe at all!

& recovery from any trauma is a gradual & fragile process that deserves respect & nurturance, not demands for a stiff upper lip & "taking responsibility".

Insisting that someone "take responsibility" for having been conned or assaulted or robbed or abused is very similar to the media glossing over other people's grief by calling for "closure" while the ambulance lights are still turning & the blood is still wet on the pavement!

It's a denial of someone else's right to feel, an insult to someone else's pain.

I am wondering exactly how to prevent becoming a victim of domestic violence/acquaintance r@pe, other than living alone and never dating. Perhaps all batterers and r@pists should be branded on their foreheads...

Staying with this jerk will be much harder than leaving him...

You deserve better.

Leave.
Now.
Your life will only get better.

Lori

Jessi, I hope you are OK and far far away from that monster by now. How are you doing? Do you have a counselor yet? I didn't respond earlier because sylviatexas said pretty much everything I was going to say, only better than I would have said it, but I was keeping up on reading your posts. Please let us know that you are OK.

Get The Verbally Abusive Relationship-How To Recognize and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. Best book ever:). Don't get the other ones and get a counselor trained in EMDR that specializes in Trauma.

I've never really understood why people would go into archives and respond to a question posed three years later-

Unless you are trying to sell something.