While I was at my daughter's I did alot of reflecting on our marriage and wrote a lot of memories in my journal. The hardest part about being at my daughter's was sitting at the table with an empty chair staring me in the face that Ed should have been sitting in and also when we went to Estes Park walking around the shops I wanted to hold his hand like the other couples but his hand wasn't there for me to take and it never will be again. I also asked myself in our marriage who needed the other person more? I leaned on Ed for companionship and security. When we were in crowds I'd only feel comfortable if I was with Ed. Carrying on a converstaion with others was hard for me, but Ed could talk to anyone about anything and if I was with him I felt part of the conversation without saying a word. I may have made the everyday decisions but we talked about big decisions together until we agreed. At which point Ed thought out how to make it happen. There were usually compromises made on one of our parts, who compromised the most I don't know. But when it came to large purchases for the house I wanted Ed to enjoy it too & I didn't think it was that important to force my view or it was easier for me to give in than to decide what I really wanted. Also in our marriage I was the one who took charge, I planned and made lists and I'd give Ed a list of things he needed to do so whatever was planned would be accomplished. Whether it was one of the many times we moved, a holiday or just company coming for dinner. In reality I think he didn't care because then he didn't have to make a decision. The only time he didn't like things planned out was on vacation or day trips and we still had great times. I used to think this was a weakness but realized it was because he valued and trusted my opinion and judgement more than I realized. I tried to make a list of things I liked, but all I could think of was things Ed liked because it seems that is what we usually ended up doing or we compromised and thinking back than neither of us really got what we wanted. My biggest question was concerning my lack of being able to show emotions, as I may have mentioned because of my crying my children are now seeing a side of their mother they never knew existed. My mother used to say of all of her children I was the only one who didn't want to be cuddled. Ed was the compassionate one. I wonder can an emotionless person drain the emotions out of another person so that person could no longer show the other person emotion? Another thing I realized was that we had been in a mostly contented phase of our marriage until I started a new job in Oct of 2008. At which time I became very discontented and frustrated and I thought that is was because of Ed, when actually it was the responsibilities of the job. I wasn't used to the pressurers of that type of job and I took it out on him. Why is it we don't see our circumstances this clearly until it's too late? I hate the struggle between my heart, that wants to remember only the wonderful loving person he was a long time ago and my head that keeps reminding me of how miserable we both had been these past years. Which do I listen to? I realized I had to listen to both and continue with this conflict until I can make the two into the truth. I have to remind myself it's only been seven weeks. Again, thank you for letting me give a voice to my grief. Karen Anniebear I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope you continue gardening and don't give up on wanting to be a Master Gardener it is very rewarding. I also hope you will complete your project, keep us all up to date on its progress. Most important wish your husband a Happy Birthday from all of us. I was writing some information on my calendar this evening and turned to December and saw the Anniversary sticker I had placed on the date of what would have been our 35th Anniversary and I bawled because he won't be there to celebrate it with me ever again.

(((Mercedes and husband))) My 30yr old son Glenn passed away last March, nearly six years after his first diagnosis of melanoma. For more than five years, he lived his life as he had always done and although I always knew there was a strong possibility it would return I put it to the back of my mind and followed his lead. September 2004 it returned as brain tumours and then spread. He underwent chemo and radiation with all the unpleasant side effects. I have so much admiration for him and for his wife. He preferred not to talk about it much, so we did what he wanted and carried on as normally as possible when we were together, talked of what he would do when he felt better, made plans for his little son and showed our love and support so that he would be in no doubt that we would always be there for his family. We didn't fuss over him and make him feel like an invalid because he was a big, strong man who had always been independent. He had several really good friends, especially his younger brother, who showed their love and respect by treating him the same way as always - joking and laughing but always there when he needed strong shoulders. We are so glad that he stayed Glenn to the end and I believe he appreciated that we all waited until later to fall apart. Of course, we all did lots of grieving in private before and after. What I am trying to say in this long ramble is - don't look too far ahead, try and make get on with your lives as best you can. You know your husband better than anyone. If possible, sort out the practical things like wills and finances just as everyone should even without illness. I know my son was easier in his mind knowing that he had provided well for his family. Other than the usual sensible things - try as much as much as possible to live your life as though cancer is not a part of it. Plan for fun things when he is feeling well and make memories just by being together.If you have a family, lean on each other and talk about everyone's feelings and just be together. I don't know you of course, but I used to wish people would not say - don't give up hope, there is always hope. This is true in many cases but I knew because of the nature of Glenn's cancer, that there was no hope when it returned and although I would have died a thousand times if I could save my beautiful boy, I was not going to waste time pretending to myself. He knew that his wife and I were there for him always, doing whatever he needed us to do and supporting each other and just loving him. If he was the type to need us to weep and wail over him, we would have done that but because we knew him, we followed his lead and let him stay Glenn making his own decisions about his care and being able to stay in his own home. As someone previously said, none of us know how long we have and somehow we get through it just one day at a time. Please keep in touch and know that many here understand a lot of what you feel. Elspeth

I am not my husband but I can tell you why he would not consider the sex and times I offered> He felt that i was using sex as a blackmail to get him to wait on things he did not want to wait for in the community. He said we were trying to Ransom his life and he was not paying the ransom when The sex did happen it was in no way the way i wanted in 2013> He had just come home from three years of rehab after MRSA in his spine and its complications. Had been in a stress center for two weeks. because of an incident that happened in the Rebab in 2012 when his father told him he again thought he was going to have his way when what he was really going to do was shut his face and just accept what was decided for him and that did not include a vacation ever, He flattened his father with a stainless steel bed pan to his face and he threw a full urinal at me telling me i had nothing ever to say about holidays and vacations. HE was done and would kill the first person that got in the way of his rights when he was out of rehab. When He got out of the stress center it was on the worst possible evening, I was getting ready to go to an Awards dinner as a promise to his mother, father, and his fathers best friend. I started out of my room and ran right into his chest and His first comment home was good i was ready to go out, He had not been out in 31 years. Where were we going!. He Knew full well we did not expect him home that day. I broke down Crying telling him I had promised that evening six months before and I could not add him to the table at that late hour. He just said well it looked like His parents and his fathers friend may as well get used to broken promises just as he had the last 31 year. Back off this or that and i promised him we would have the sex life and vacation as well as the holidays he earned and wanted and then when i came time to keep my promise where did he end up again. Filling for someone else taking his time and I would make the same stupid promise again expecting him to fall for it. He said Now the Bill was due and I was keeping 31 years of promises to him before I even thought was keeping any to any one else.. I was trying to hand him a 100 and get him to meet us anywhere he choose after the event. I just wanted a Civil discourse why things had happened as they had> He was not going to permit it and ripped my outfit to shreds and had his way about sex. Then he went after his fathers friend when he arrived and called my husband a crip and told him to get out of his way he was entering our home< He Through the man over the rail on our deck landing him face first in the Drive right in front of his fathers car. We think he was intending the man land in his mother and fathers lap. Over the years for everytime he w3as interfered with from @001 to 2009 he made sure somebody hurt over it even if he had to ambush some body. I Never understood why when his father and others used weapons to force him to work the holidays, Or when His father put his passport in his safe deposit to make him stay and work vacations Why he could not just Do as was requested and Take the times offered in exchange Instead of wait until the incident was finished and he worked then he would show up with a machinist sledge and break parts of people for daring to hold a weapon on him. I saw what he did to one man who thought drawing a pistol when he appeared at his home was going to stop his pain, My husband shattered the right hand, his arm up to the shoulder bad enough he lost his arm, all because he had wanted a holiday off and they forced him in at shotgun point. IN 2014 On Memorial day his father offered him 200 to stay away until we called him home. Before the end of the day he's taking a reservation my name was on away from another friend and telling his father he did not care if he was invited where I was invited he was to His father slapped him and called him stupid, His father flew over the kitchen island with the full force of a full fisted backhand breaking his jaw. He Had To be stopped from making the doorman at the club from getting his face ground into the pavement after pushing him to a public sidewalk and into the street. On the fourth of July that year they used Ketamine in a drink he had and Dumped him 30 miles out of Tow intending tio go back and get him later, HE Did Nor wait to embarrass everyone sending state police in To Search for the drug after they pumped his stomach. Two Friends were arrested in front of their families wives and children. They called it a joke, The police called it abduction with intent to do bodily harm and not a joke dumping a man in the middle of a county road and leaving him there drugged not with his consent. If My husband would have just talked to us then those men would be home with their kids instead of paying in prison for a joke. IN 2015 We were going on a cruise to Cancun My Husband Did Not care he was again not invited withy his rule if i was then he was.. It Made his father so angry he intended to use a ball bat to send him back home and stop hi9s defiance. His Father was hit so hard with an Upper cut before he took his swing it broke his neck. Latter in 2015I was offering the First Christmas dinner as a married man in 33 years, at home, To keep tensions down I gave him his plate and told him to go out to the barn and eat out there and if he wanted more I would get it at the back door He hit me in the face with the full plate yelling at me he was not some dam hand to e given charity. It Was his table , the food he had supplied and he was not eating in the cold barn.. He made everyone leave under the barrel of a 30 30 and I just stood and cried thinking why did it always have to be so hard to gain just a little cooperation. IF just one year we could have gone without defiance about sex, his work, and time out of the plant I think something that he wanted could have been worked out. I know after we ran into the problems within two years of his return home about vacation time, We had come back from ROME with a plan to Find A vacation starting after the New Year in 1988. I was thinking a nice beach and hotel for the same two weeks off in time it was just six months away. He Wanted me to keep the two promises i had made the last two years About sex And The mos5rt recent was any time, any where and any way he wanted, I Would Be both a Willing sex partner and travel companion if he stayed behind for that girl and her lazy fiancé to marry in ROME. I was not expecting him to want to drop everyone else at his fathers house and want to point the nose of the Van to Wyoming and His Grandfathers where he was from 1239 miles to the west. He had been hounded to go out there with me to introduce me. I just did not want a three week road trip after traveling all night from Rome, Every suggestion we mad for six months away was shot down. He Said did we realize he had not even seen the3 sun in seven years, What would he look like on a beach, probably a lobster. He got in the sun the first time In 2014 and he burned within five minutes so bad he blistered. I had no idea years ago when he left the Boats that sun was now a allergy for him.

How does your husband feel about taking in just the kids? My BIL and SIL are bipolar. We've seen so much with them! As long as your daughter is NOT taking her meds, she'll never have a "normal" enough life. She'll never get her life back on track. My first priority would be my grandchildren cuz they're too young to help themselves and have no choice but to live this life of hell. Maybe talk to your husband about taking in just the kids for awhile until your daughter gets her life together and starts by helping herself first. It must be really hard for her to do so with 2 kids. That's if she WANTS to help herself! My brother and his wife have full custody of their two grandchildren (3 and 6), been almost 2 years. Their son is a drug dealer (the father) and the mother is a bipolar drug addict. They are not together as a couple and never have been. The youngest child was born a crack baby. The son doesn't do drugs, just sells it. My SIL fought tooth and nail to get both the mother to sign over parental rights. The family has been through hell and is still going through it because no matter what the mother does to screw up her kids' lives, the law is on her side. The father, however, can only have supervised visits cuz of the way he treated the mother. He slapped her once to "snap her out of a fit" while she was high. He has "straightened" her out several times but she keeps going back to drugs. Fast forward to today.... the father is a good father to the kids (actually the oldest is not his bio child but he loves him like his own) and does everything for them. They are spoiled rotten! The mother calls the oldest and tells him lies about his grandmother (my SIL) and tries to get him to spy on them for "ammunition against them". My SIL then tries to explain to him why his mother is acting like this but that she still loves him. The poor kid is so screwed up emotionally that he wants to talk to a judge cuz he says he doesn't know who to believe anymore and knows a judge wouldn't lie. He's had counsellors before too but the mother is just damaging him so bad. So much so that just yesterday, in fact, my SIL went to court to get a court order for the mother to have "no contact" with her kids. She didn't win cuz she didn't have enough evidence. She has appealed. I told my SIL that she should have the oldest talk to this judge so she could see for herself. With Children's Aid, the courts, etc.... it seems that they protect the mother more than they protect the kids. Which is a real shame! It seems that Children's Aid, the court, etc., seem to "forget" that the youngest was born a crack baby! The mother has more drug charges then the father, including other charges, and still the law is more on her side! The only reason why my SIL and brother got full custody of the kids was because my SIL found out that the mother was using someone else's urine for her mandatory drug tests. Just before they were to enter the court room, my SIL's lawyer requested a drug test (hair) right away. Test proves positive and her lawyer told her she'd lose the case so make it easier and sign away her rights. And she did. All the best to you! Check out these sites. It might be helpful. http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/ http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Grandparents.shtml