He is going to lie about the porn because you have made such a big deal of it.just drop it,its no big deal, all men look at porn.you are only 22 ,with a young child and feeling insecure ,im sure if you you relax about it ,your husband will not feel the need to hide it .Iknow thats easier said than done,i was the same at your age.x

Can't have meaningful opinion without knowing what it is you consider "porn".

Are we talking about Sports Illustrated swimsuit models or deep/dark S&M? We talking about constant obsessive/compulsive or once in a while?

"...all men look at porn...."

Umm.....no we don't.

He watches the real actual porn like hardcore stuff. So i guess i am gonna have to give up on thinking i can get him to look at porn but i feel it is interfering with us and talking about it doesnt do anything. And him watching porn makes me feel i am not good wnough for him and that he couldnt be attracted to me cuz those women look better than me. He knows that it hurts me but does it anyway and lies about it. So im supposed to just leave it be and let him keep lying to me and let him watch as much as he wants? I tell him its fine just dont lie but he keeps lying!

Lol,im sure you used to do at 36 asolo, or younger.

I agree with tracy. Unless he's like so completely obsessed with porn that it dominates his every waking moment, I'd ignore it. You feeling insecure about not being as desirable as a porn star is unwarranted and probably because you're so young. Having sex once per week with a toddler and another one on the way and with your husband being 36 is actually pretty good. As far as him not initiating sex, maybe he likes it that you initiate, a lot of men do.

@tracystoke....

"....im sure you used to do at 36 asolo, or younger."

I suspect you're probably "sure" of many things you know nothing about, this being among them.

@confused5704

"...real actual porn like hardcore stuff..."

"....i guess i am gonna have to give up...."

"He knows that it hurts me but does it anyway...."

"I tell him its fine just dont lie but he keeps lying!"

OK, so it's the real deal, but the rest is a bit mixed with you, I'd say. He likely lies about it out of shame and out of hoping he won't hurt you -- if he can keep you from knowing. The part about his knowing it does hurt you and not acting on that knowledge is troubling. Nobody feels good thinking they're being laid aside for a cyber substitute and since you've said your own sex lives have changed, it seems to me you've got a legitimate gripe.

You can talk about this, you know. Is it actually new or something he's always done? Does he just entertain himself once in a while or does he do it frequently and then masturbate? That's where the "substitution" part comes in. Nobody likes to feel that way.

"....couldnt be attracted to me cuz those women look better than me...."

Well, that's the silly part. The world is full of women who look better than you. They're all around all the time. Please don't hang your hat on that one.

"...I feel watching porn is cheating..."

Another silly one.

I do agree that men watching porn is pretty common. So is drinking. But most men don't have a problem with either. It becomes a "problem" when it affects other parts of your life. You've described that kind of "problem" but I think it would be well to be sure you're not making one where none really exists. To begin with, I wouldn't "tell him it's fine" when both of you know it isn't. Your relationship is being affected. Not good. Deserves attention.

The part I really don't understand is why you're unable to discuss it. Is he taking too much time with it -- time that should be yours? Is it substitution? Is he off on whips and chains and stuff he wishes you'd get interested in but you never have been? Is it an unattractive character trait that you've only recently discovered? and blah, blah, blah. You already know he's ashamed of it because he's seeking to hide it. I think you're entitled to a better perspective about it from him than you've described he's given you so far. This is your life. What's going on is already on the table. Don't understand why it can't be talked through. Seems work-outable to me, but I only know what you wrote.

I have seldom encountered any who revel so in their own ignorance.

We dont talk about it because every time i try to talk to him about it he keeps lying and saying he doesnt look or that they are pop ups that he gets and doesnt look at it but when i look at his search history it actually says things like "pussy dance" or something of that manor. So i have just given up on trying to talk civil about it cuz he doesnt wanna tell me the truth. As for how often does he do it? I dont really know. I dont always look at his phone but every time i do he has porn on his history somewhere. I think he mainly does it when im in the shower or at work or busy doin somethin and will be out of the room for a while. How can we work it out if all he ever does is deny it and gets all mad and defensive or lies and says they are pop ups but i know they are not because they are in his SEARCH history, something he searched for.

I gotta say it sounds to me like you have other issue's it's not just the porn. I've been with my husband for almost 25 years, we've each had cell phones for about 11 years and I've never not once even been tempted to look at his phone. You must have trust issue's as well. Do you suspect him of cheating?

I don't know if you have a porn issue or not. You certainly DO have a trust issue. IMHO, that's more troublesome. Trust is the whole ball game. Also understand from this description why you can't talk about it. There's no basis for a conversation to proceed beyond sentence #2. That's very un-good.....and dangerous.

I'd suggest getting this in front of a third party. Talking about hired pro. You're making zero progress on your own.

I do have trust issues with him. I know without a doubt that he will not physically cheat on me but my issue is that i never know when he is telling the truth anymore. So that is my trust issue.

OK ... here is a bit of a zen lesson, and one you REALLY need to hear ...

For a moment forget that the issue is your issue of feeling wanted or valued ... or that you have an issue with his watching pornography ... or that is he sensitive about it for whatver reason and hides it or lies about it ... ok ... set that ALL aside ... and lets look at the genetic issue of what is needed to elicit and / or allow honest to occur ...

It is very very simple ...

Honesty will occur IF and ONLY IF ... it is clear that there are no negative risks or consequences to being fully honest with you.

or

IF and ONLY IF ... honesty is required to gain control over a situation or limit their risks or liabilities to achive a goal they value.

How do you ensure dishonesty ... you create a situation here there is never a win for being honest about something.

So get that clearly in mind before you take any actions or express any value judgements to anyone ...

Want honestly, you have to make it clear you are delighted and excited to hear whatever their reality is ... with no value judgements ...

If his watching porn is interfering with or preventing his ability to be intimate with you, then yes, I'd say it is a problem. And no, not all men surf porn on the internet, so don't listen to those GENERALITIES that others throw at you.

It's one thing to look at porn now and again, it's another thing to be obsessed with it. That's a problem. And yes, there is such a thing as porn addiction and it sounds as if it is already interfering in your relationship, therefore, IT IS A PROBLEM. If your feelings on the matter don't matter to him, then its time to get out.

And the fact that he is LYING about it tells you that he does feel like it's wrong. If it wasn't wrong, he would have no qualms about being honest with you. The fact that he is being dishonest speaks volumes.

Sounds like the trust issues began when you realized how often he is searching out porn. I think your concerns are valid, because they are interfering in your intimate relations. A man should not have to seek out alternate sources of stimulation on a regular basis - every woman knows what is "normal" and we are also aware of what is beyond "normal" behavior.

Do internet searches on "porn addiction". Print them out and give them to him, so he realizes that he's taken it to a level in your relationship that is NOT healthy.

With regard to what David said above, don't listen to him. He only wants to make excuses for dishonesty. 'It's never MY fault, it's always YOUR fault' mentality. I'm not the problem; you are the problem... He's telling you that YOU need to change your behavior. Why? Because in his eyes, your husband doesn't need to change his dishonest behavior, but rather, you have to modify yours to accommodate HIS needs. That's called narcissism.

Good luck.

Confused....if my math is right....you were 18 and "with" a 32 year old divorced...or maybe not divorced man. What was he doing hanging around a teenager? Sounds a bit smarmy to me.
Is this porn thing new? was he into porn when you were 18?
Why do you suppose he is looking at porn sites on his phone? I am asking genuinely...is there something missing in his life? And obviously he is ashamed or he wouldn't lie about it.

There are lots of sites with porn for women. Find some and let him see you looking at them. And who knows....you may find that you like porn too.

As I see it you have 2 problems...
1 your husband is into porn on a tiny screen, and
2 you are "balling" your eyes out over it.
You probably can't change your husband's behavior, but you can change your attitude toward it.

Woah, tracystroke - stop being so aggressive and hostile. You are going way beyond snarky.

I dont even know what snarky means lol .ok maybe i was premenstrual when i wrote that lol.

Confused,

Despite what many of its defenders would say, porn has profoundly negative effects on people's views of sex and sexual behavior. I'm not saying this without proper research or just based on my opinion. The National Foundation for Family Research concluded that "exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies". As in your case, you're not wrong in treating this as a serious offense to your marriage because the repeated viewing of pornography can interfere with the ability to enjoy and participate in normal marital intimacy.
I'm gonna quote from Dr. Cline, a specialist in treating sex addiction: "Like a cancer, it keeps growing and spreading. It rarely ever reverses itself, and it is also very difficult to treat and heal. Denial on the part of the male addict and refusal to confront the problem are typical and predictable, and this almost always leads to marital or couple disharmony, sometimes divorce, and sometimes the breaking up of other intimate relationships". This can destroy trust and openness in a marriage, two things that are ESSENTIAL for any healthy relationship.
The struggle to break free from pornography should not be underestimated. Please take into account that your husband would be dealing with a very very difficult battle. Dr. Cline says: "Promises don't work. Good intentions mean nothing. [A sex addict] literally cannot do this by himself." A prerequisite to successful treatment, according to Cline, is involving the mate, if the person is married. "It goes faster if both are involved," he claims. "Both are wounded. Both need help."

I have included on the bottom of this post another article that I think you will find extremely helpful. I don't know if you are much of a Bible reader, but never underestimate the power of God's Holy Spirit to heal the wounds in a marriage. After all He is the Creator of the marriage arrangement. Please let me know what you think.

Kind Regards,

Ada

Here is a link that might be useful: Maintaining Commitment In Your Marriage

OMG its a blinking jovo,god if they not knocking on your door or preaching in the streets ,they have even found the internet now.GO AWAY AND GET LOST.

Yup, Dr. Victor B. Cline and the The National Foundation for Family Research and several other religiously-oriented professionals and organizations have the answer. Actually, they all have the same answer: God. Every time. Their god...their single solution for any/all problems of any/all kinds.

If you think it will work for you, go for it. I do suggest acknowledgment of the underlying agenda, however.

Okay, speaking from personal experience, usually when a guy starts looking at porn it's because they aren't getting certain things they might sexually be interested in or there is a more deep seated issue in the relationship. People also usually only hide things for one of three reasons. 1) They are trying to protect someone they care about but we can pretty safely rule this out since he knows that you know. 2) They are afraid of negative consequences and since you have already likened porn to cheating {which is a bit mental if you ask me} he is likely afraid that admitting he has a fairly natural urge will cause him to lose you. 3) There is some shame in their actions and honestly, I hate to say it because people are going to yell that I'm blaming tyhe victem when I'm not, it's most likely you that's causing him to feel that shame. Your view on porn makes it taboo which is always both tantalizing and shameful.

I have to ask this and no you don't have to answer, just think about my questions.

1) Have you ever considered using porn to spice up your love life with him? Consider putting on a porno while you and he are laying in bed together and just see if you can't get him to stand at attention for you. Use the thing you don't necessarily like to get the "thing" you really want.

2) Ever tried looking at what he searches and maybe, if your comfortable with it, incorporate one or two of those things into your love life? If it's something he enjoys then why not enjoy it with him? You both get what you want at that point which shows compromise and compromise is one of the basic building blocks to any relationship.

3) Consider this, if you two do the same thing every time you two get together then isn't it possible he's just a little bored? Not bored of you but bored of the same position you two make love in or even just bored of thesurroundings. Get a babysitter for the night and have a romantic evening to yourselves but don't go home. Rent a hotel room and have fun there. It would help to break him out of the rut that he may feel his life has gotten into. Do not take this as a strike against you, sometimes guys just get tired of the same thing over and over again.

Mind you, I stress that you remember these are only suggestions to help you make your marraige stronger and help you grow as a couple. Feel free to ignore my advice as you please but remember that I've been in a position I think might be similar to the one he is in and I'm simply sharing with you what I myself have dealt with personally.

No matter what anyone says, you're allowed to feel like you're the victim in this.

however, he is a person and it's porn. He's not going out and having sex with these people.

It is a natural human behavior. You're being too judgemental over it and that's why he has chosen to lie about it. Maybe you've overreacted in the past. (I know you've said you told him from day one)

it does NOT mean he isn't satisfied with you personally. You two need to talk about it.

I am am going through something similar with my husband. And we're talking about it. He feels ashamed because he's married, and watching porn. He feels this because he has a wife he shouldn't be watching it. (Or reading it) It is ok to feel unwanted. Your feelings are valid. Nothing is going to get solved by coming to others. You two need to talk it out and figure something out.

I hope ole this helps. I know nobody can change your feelings towards porn. But just a think about how you want this to turn out. Think about if you want to "brand him a liar"...

I haven't read through most of the answers but my advice is to watch porn WITH him and have sex together. It can be fun. AND...better he watches porn than going out and having an affair. Just my opinion.

you need to tell him, you will not tolerate it, and threaten him with kicking him out. I cannot stand the thought of my husband being turned on by another woman even on the web. I don't look at men, have no interest except to be with my husband and do not fantasize about anyone else, so it is hard for me to understand. I am 62, and am pretty open minded about most things, but why would someone who claims to love me, want to look at someone else, because it Will arouse them...to me it's the same as cheating, it would hurt just the same. I am too old to put up that crap today, and won't.

Confused... I just came across your post.., what’s been the outcome in your life?