I would tell her that this is her decision, only she knows what she wants and needs, and that you will still be friends with her whatever is her decision.

It is ultimately her decision, but since she asked, I would tell her she needs to work on her issues at home first, whether that be going to counseling with her husband or filing for divorce. I think she needs to close one door before she opens another. I also agree with Monica that you need to tell her that whatever she decides you will still be friends.

listen but don't comment.

Well, she got married for Better or WORSE, isn't that what the vows say? No marriage is perfect, you just both have to work at it.

I would tell her that if this guy is so great and he is really truly interested in her, that HE should come and visit HER. The situation described - a woman traveling alone to a strange county to meet a man, is fraught with danger.

Her husband better take her off all their joint accounts before she takes off to meet this guy; she's about to get scammed. Oh, I'm sure he's a prince on paper, but I'll bet he's had more than one woman fly off to meet him. Sounds like bunk to me.

I would try really hard to stay out of it, too. But,
it sure sounds like it could turn into disaster. Does
she really want your opinion - or does she want to
hear that you agree with her?

And, not in the question, LOL - but where does her
husband think she is going? Is their marriage so
open that he knows she is meeting another man?

thanks guys...let me try to answer some of the questions and comments.....
I really don't want to get too involved, but she did ask my opinion and advise, so I feel I at least owe her that as a friend.
I agree with you 100% Matti5, I ALWAYS think you should clean up one mess before you move on. If she is so sure she wants to leave her husband, than it shouldn't matter anything about this guy. I don't know if they have tried counseling.
DillyDally....he can't come to her...she does still live with her husband.
And Molly, she has a girlfriend in the same place, so hubby thinks she is going to visit her.
For what it's worth, she has told hubby numerous times that she thinks they should divorce, but that's as far as it gets...talking about it.
Thanks again!!

oh, and I will still be her friend, no matter what she does. I'm just really concerned.

I'd tell her the truth, but you haven't said what your feeling is other than a wreck waiting to happen, but it's a good start. I don't think you're be much of a friend to not be honest. Isn't that part of friendship?

Sounds to me like a typical case of looking for greener grass and she's not going to deal with her own issues.

cynic....well, I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I could never do it, but who am I to judge anyone?? I am not living in her shoes. I feel bad for her to be so unhappy that she chose to get involved in something like this. My siter in law got caught up in the same situation years ago...that turned out VERY badly, the guy ended up stalking her when she tried to break it off...thankfully, it's all taken care of now, but what a mess!!
I agree though, the thought of something better often turns out to be just that.

Well, the grass isn't always greener....

Why hasn't she left her husband yet if she is that unhappy?

"Stay out of it" might be good advice if she were just messing around, maybe with a co-worker or neighbor, but her life could be at risk here.

I'd impress on her, even if I had to nag nag nag, that:

1. I'm very worried for her going into an unknown environment wtih an unknown man;

2. Natalie Holloway is still "missing" in the Virgin Islands, &

3. I'd make her promise/commit to:

a. confirming contact information on this guy (name, address, land line phone, etc), getting the information to several friends, & letting the guy know that she has done this

b. checking him on a peoplefinder-type website;
pay the $20 or whatever to check his history, maybe even his name

c. staying with her friend rather than in a hotel or with this guy

d. committing to checking in with her friend at certain times every day & to checking in with your or somebody here at certain times every day.

Put these things in writing & get her to sign it, & remind her to give you the information.

When something is in writing, it's "real", & we're more likely to actually complete the task.

Whatever information she gives you, check it out *before* she leaves;
women who're under a man's spell will glibly ask the man for info & believe whatever he tells them.

Be sure that his name & phone # match what he's told her.

You're a good friend for caring, & you're absolutely right to be concerned/scared for her.

At some level she knows this is insane, & that's why she asked your thoughts.

Oh...I WOULD stay out of it if it was something like that too. Great advise Sylvia. I think I will definately bring up some of those points to her. I just hate to think that she will go thru all this, and not be any happier in the long run. But, you know, sometimes people gotta learn these things for themselves, the hard way.

It's possible she doesn't really want your input; she wants your approval.

What she is doing is dishonest and immoral. It's cheating. If she were my friend, I would be disappointed in her. She needs to get things squared away with DH in one way or another.

And as for the guy, is he married? Married or not, he's having a relationship with a married woman. Shame on him.

It's not difficult to have a romanticized view of someone you've never met.

It sounds like she doesn't have kids at least I hope not.
I have a friend who has met and married several guys from the internet. this last one seems to be a keeper.
I stay out of it too

she has 1 son, he's 17.
as far as the guy, you know, I never asked if he is married, I will though. But you're right, it's still not right.

Oh my...... I find it hard to swallow people willing to go to another country to meet people of the internet. They can type anything they think you want to hear and even if you talk on the phone. I have a sister in law that ened up marrying a guy from Egypt after communicating only on the phone and internet for 1.5 years. She flew over there and married him the next day. She seems happy but we were all scared to death for her.

I agree with most that she needs to do what she needs to do, but you can offer concern without getting too involved.

One of the posters already said this but again I'm saying "Tell her to do an online background check on this guy" If it were my friend I'd tell her I'm very worried about you doing this, have you considered all of the consequences,not to mention that the guy could be a con artist."
If she has a friend there, have her friend accompany her on the first meeting.
IMO she's very foolish to do this. She makes herself look like a desperate woman.

She asked for your opinion and if I were you I would give it to her. You could try to talk her out of it but it looks like her mind is made up,or is it? After all she asked you what you thought?? If your friendship is as good as you say she shouldn't be offended by your opinion. I agree with everyone else who said it's a disaster waiting to happen. I also agree that she needs to clean up her mess at home before she gets into another one,especially one like she is contemplating.Ask her what she thinks her 17 year old son would think of his mother if he knew what she was doing! Inevitably he is going to find out. Maybe she should ask him?? Orrr,maybe she should ask her husband what he thinks/would do if he were in her shoes! I can guarantee that sooner or later he is going to know too what she is doing,if he doesn't already.
My question to her,as her friend,would be,"If you have been this unhappy for so long,why haven't you already disolved the marriage,gone to counceling or whatever you had to do to make it work or at least find out if it can work?" She may be "jumping out of the frying pan into the fire" as the saying goes!
I think going to another country (or anywhere else for that matter) to meet someone you have corresponded with romanticly on the interned is downright STUPID and I would tell her so! Her life could be in danger.What is she thinking??

This IS really STUPID! Perhaps she's doing this to PROVE that her marriage is over? (It certainly will be.)

I suggest she and her spouse attend marriage counseling. That's not just for mending marriages, you know. It's also a means of ending them with civility.

"I find it hard to swallow people willing to go to another country to meet people of the internet."

I couldn't imagine going to another state, let alone country. This is a very bad idea. I agree with everyone who has posted that this is not the way to handle the situation.

I would suggest that she talk things over with her husband before leaving. He deserves that much, imho, before like someone said, she empties their accounts.

Has she told you what she finds attractive about him?
Is he married?
Divorced? How many times?
Children? How many and by how many women?
Employed? What kind, how long?
Age?
Own his home or live in a tent, or something in between?
Parents living?
Would be consider moving to the states?

Does she have parents that are living or close by?
Siblings?
Is she prepared to maybe see them once every few years, if there are funds to fly home?

I don't think it's my place, or maybe anybody's place, to make a judgment about something that doesn't kill anybody, get anybody addicted to a toxic substance, deprive anybody of their property, or, as they used to say, "scare the horses".

Nobody knows what goes on in someone else's home.

Many times women are intimidated or bullied into thinking that they're worthless, that they better stay with their bully of a husband or boyfriend because they can't get by without him, etc.

& a powerful addition to that condemnation is "nobody else would want you".

Once a woman has been beaten down like this, she doesn't think she's able to "clean up a mess" before getting involved with someone else;
having another man interested in her, having him talk nicely to her & act like she's worth something, seems like a dream come true.

Try not to judge until you've walked in her shoes.

I agree with lilliepad. He'll know eventually, so why doesn't she just have the backbone to tell him what the trip is for? At least that would be honest.

But the best thought of all here was also posed by lilliepad--what will her 17-year old son think? She should be sure to tell him as well before she goes. If she's too ashamed to tell them both, well then, maybe there's something wrong with this trip.

"something that doesn't kill anybody, get anybody addicted to a toxic substance, deprive anybody of their property"

And you think this won't happen because......??

Ritamay, I would be more concerned about her safety than the marriage. Obviously there are issues in the marriage about which we know nothing, not my place to sit in judgement of her or her spouse. But I would be very concerned about my friend and her wellbeing.

I just read this quote on another forum I visit. When I saw it, I immediately thought of this post!!

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." *Gloria Naylor*

She is probably imagining a best case scenario of...... when they meet he is in reality as charming, witty, caring, intelligent, rich, ambitious, sane, compassionate, dependable, clean, articulate, educated, non-addicted, logical, practical, romantic, fit & trim (add more adjectives of her choosing) ,,,,,, as he presents himself on the internet. I didn't include honesty..... we know that he's not...... he wants to see/meet up with a married woman. We know that she's not honest either. Right?

Suggest that she might want to visualize and think through few worst case scenarios. Plan what she will do just in case. Plan what she needs to do if this fling takes a really, really, REALLY bad turn. Laws in another country are different from your own.

It will difficult for you to get her to even think about the negative possibilities, because she is in a fantasy that this foreigner is going to be her white knight in shining armor. But you might try, since she asked.

I couldn't possibly give advice based on the little info presented. This is another thread where we are giving so little factual information it is easy to jump to conclusions based on assumptions.

I would want to know what her plans are? Stay with him? the friend? or by herself?

He lives in another country? Does this mean right across the border in Canada or over in say.... India?

Is she really romantically involved with this man on the net or is it just assumed she is because her she is unhappy in her marriage?

How old is she? Thirties? Forties?

Is her marriage really bad or just boring (to her)?

What are her expectations? What dreams has she actually voiced?

I'm coming from a viewpoint of someone who has male friends both on and off the net. My marriage is doing well. I recently arranged to meet up with a guy I know on the net when I was traveling near his area. He rode up to meet me. We hung out for the afternoon. He went home. We didn't go to a motel. LOL We're friends. Always will be.

Maybe she just wants to se if there may be a connection strong enough to be romantic. Then she could decide whether to stay with her "bad" marriage or not.

Then again she may think the grass is really greener.

I'd assume she knew what she was doing, but I'd tell her you were worried and ask her to check in with you.

The infidelity issue seems to be a non-issue for her. She's already resolved that she's going to do it, for her own reasons. She's not telling her husband, I'll bet, because she wants to see what this man is like in person first. Say something to her about this or don't, as your friendship and morals dictate.

As for her safety, I don't see this as such a terrible thing. People have been meeting and marrying by letter for hundreds of years. The internet adds a new dimension, but I'll bet she's emailed and phoned enough that she has some idea of what he's like, at least as much as a woman who meets a man in a bar and agrees to date him again.

I'm with Wildchild - I've met up with lots of people from the internet. All but one were platonic, and all of the people were what I would have expected from having "talked" to them online. One was a romantic attachment, and he also was what I expected. Sure, you can get scammed over the internet, but you can also get to know people well. Why do you think so many of us hang out here?

Good luck to you and your friend. Do have her arrange to call you, and get the information of where she's staying. Just in case, though I doubt anything terrible will happen.

I know some of the internet relationships work out...but some don't

I had a friend who sold a lot of her belongings and moved out of state to live with a guy she met on the internet...and they had even taken the time to meet in person first. He poured out sweetness when the met...but when she moved in, it all changed. She was like a prisoner in his home. Emotionally abused.
She had a little money tucked away and one day she called and rented a small trailer...ask the neighbors to help her load it up...she had to leave a lot of her things there because she couldn't afford a trailer large enough..She ran.

She was lucky...

Not all of them are.

I'd be very leary if I was her friend.

patti

Hi everyone...thanks for all the input.

Like I said, she has been e-mailing and phone calls for the last 2 years.

She is 43. She hasn't divulged that much about her marriage, only that they have not been happy for quite some time, and that they pretty much live separate lives.

The reason she is so set on going is that she wants to see if this is in fact "real" or just a fantasy in her head. Of course, right now, she thinks he is her Soul Mate.

She is a pretty level headed person, actually.

I spoke to her yesterday, and told her that I was really concerned about her safety, she assured me that she would be in touch with her girlfriend there, she knows she is taking a risk. I think the more I think about it, she needs to do this, for whatever reason. I'll still be her friend, of course, and support her the best I can. Like some of you have said here, and I agree, you don't really know someones life unless you've lived it.

I agree with all of the comments made by the other posters - but would really focus on where this guy lives - as asked by other poster - Canada or India. I live in Canada and we have our fair share of people you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley - but U.S./Canada is a far cry from U.S. to "real" foreign parts. Sometimes it seems to me that Canada is only considered "international" when it comes to ordering something from the U.S. to be sent to Canada (as opposed to the much more pleasant ordering from Canada to the U.S.). Hope everything works out for your friend but I would be seriously concerned for her safety and financial resources. Also would be concerned that he could be using her for a marriage of convenience to enter the U.S.

sorry, meant to put in my last post...he's in Canada.

I would tell my friend that she was out of her mind to even consider doing something as stupid as this. Travelling to another country? Are you kidding me? If she is dumb enough to go I hope she doesn't take a bunch of money with her. I would assume that her on line lover is paying her expenses? Sorry, but I would have to really step in and tell my friend how much I disapprove. Sounds like the beginning of a Dateline episode to me, and I sure wouldn't want to be the girl they interview about my friends missing body. Hope you can talk some sense into her. How can she do that to her son?

Hi, Rita, I haven't commented because it seems that every thing that could be said has been said.

Then I read this: she assured me that she would be in touch with her girlfriend there.

Sounds like she doesn't plan to stay with her girl friend, doesn't it? Which means she will either be staying at a hotel or with him. Hmmm.

That is a whole new part of this story, and not a good part.

If my friend were in a similar situation and asked for my opinion, or advice, I would ask her what her plans are if this does turn out to be her "Soul Mate?" Does she know what she would do next? Move there? He would move here? Take her son, or leave him with his father? Immediately file for a divorce?

I don't think she will change her mind about going. But she needs to be prepared for the consequences.

Good luck. Friends can be a problem sometimes, can't they?

Sue

I know Sue!! She is planning on staying with him. Big red flag!! She swears to me that she has thought of everything....she said that she is going to tell her husband when she gets back...now what happens if she doesn't like the guy, I don't know...that will be the next chapter I guess.

Some people have complicated lives, that's all I can say. LOL!! Me? No thanks!!

Seems you can't persuade her not to do this.

We'll be expecting the 'end of the story'. When does she leave?

She's not going until April...sorry it's so far away. I'll update when I know something though.

Ok, lots of good advise here...My thoughts are
1) if they pretty much have no relationship in this marriage, then why lie to the husband? It's not like she is going to lose someone she loves if she just tells him where and why she is going!
2) IF it is a mistake and she decides the grass is NOT greener on the other side, I feel that is her problem! She is cheating on her husband now and has been for 2 years, cheating is cheating
3) A friend should express her true feelings and concerns if asked, not tell a friend what they want to hear.
4) This IMO is a disaster already in the makings.
Sounds to me, it is time for counseling or just get it over with and leave her husband.
And the number one concern of mine...is going to a different country to meet a stranger? What is she thinking??
Be a true friend and tell her your real concerns!

I had another thought--if her son is 17, is this his senior year of school, and he's graduating in June? What an awful time to risk destroying the family. Poor kid.

Where does he live ... how long has he lived there ... what does he do ... what relationship does he nave/has he had, etc.??

She should stay with her friend and have visits with the guy - mainly in public places.

The other day our national radio interviewed a woman who went to somewhere in the Middle East and her father took her passport, I D, etc. and, while she has got a new passport, there are still items of her I D that she lacks and she can't leave (lacking permission from her guardian male).

ole joyful