I agree this is a red flag. I'm recently divorced and my exH was abusive & controlling when it came to money (among other things). It was a slow progression, so by the time it got bad and I had to ask friends & family about marital money & what other couples did, I was already being taken advantage of. It had gone far enough that our money dysfunction seemed "normal" to me, and getting back on-track was not possible. If you would go seek advice from an attorney (in my state-IL), 50% of his marital money is yours, and vice versa. At minimum, you should have knowledge of it. Best-case scenario, you should have access to it. I'm of the opinion that if he says it's not your business...he is hiding something from you. To what level of terror or embarrassment???...who knows...and that's relative to each person. What I'm ashamed of may not be a big deal to the next person. You need to see the taxes. You need to see the bank accounts & statements. In a marriage, his windfalls and losses are yours too. Don't turn a blind eye in HOPES it's all okay. Verify for yourself it's okay.

Here is an article that discusses changes proposed in 2009. The shift is intended to address credit cards landing in the hands of unemployed college students, but the repercussions would extend to SAHP's and SAHW/H's. It does, even if not on purpose, seem to be a throwback to the notion that a stay at home partner is not an equal partner. Household income, imo, should still be the criteria. Most of us here are obviously not dependent on credit cards. Certainly we all seem to agree that it's no tragedy to be without a credit card from the standpoint of purchasing power. Indeed, if we can't afford to buy unless we can charge it, we should do without. I think most of us understand that and live that way. Still, it is important for unemployed spouses to have their own credit history. In the event that they find themselves on their own, a solid pattern of using and paying for credit on time will serve a newly solo person very well. Dependent spouses without their own credit history are placed in a financially vulnerable position. We have one major credit card, and it's in my name. We have one store credit card, and it's also in my name. This gives me a history and a FICO score of my own, though I've been a SAHW for most of my 25 year marriage. My DH wants me to have that for myself, as do I. Here is a link that might be useful: credit

RE:robinwv - the thing is , he is ALWAYS gone. He works 5 day a week full time and 3 or more nights a week also, so sometimes it is days before we see each other besides in passing, or in bed asleep...so i am always alone at home with the baby going to all his medical appointments ( he is medically challenged ) and we rarely get to spend time together already. When he was always at home when we first got together, I was happy for him to go do stuff but he never would. That was pre-baby. Since baby and working full time + now, it's like some big puff of "I'm the man" jumped right into his chest and now he thinks he is the man and I am the "little wifey". He tries to get me to go out with girlfriends, but I really would rather just go out with him, because I think the same way that jenny_alabama feels...when you get into a relationship with someone involving a family and make a committment, that you should do things together, he had plenty of time to "sow his oats" without me, and yes, it is about the "without me" part lindakimy...I told him exactly that... I asked him how it would feel if I just came home and said, well, I am going to go out with a bunch of people and you aren't invited, but he says he would be happy if I did this, he wants me to go out. We cannot agree on the views we each have separately. I don't begrudge him for wanting to go out, I really don't, it's just BS that he is trying to force us to have separate friends, I feel like when you are a couple that you should have friends that can go out with both of you, not just one or the other. It seems to me as if he wants us to both act like we are single and like if I don't go out with him and his friends that he can keep things from me. Although I trust him, it seems shady to me that he is pushing so hard to do things separately but NEVER wants to go out as a couple. There is not one time that we have ever went out in 2 years without someone else along. I couldn't even get him to go out wiht me on Valentines day when i offered to pay, or on my birthday when I had to go out with 2 coworkers the 1st year we were together...we went and had pizza one night,at a little pizzaria restaurant, but our son was in the hospital and we were sick of hospital food and walked to the place. I guess I am just really confused why like I asked him, Why am I less important than people that you have known for such a short time. These guys he wants to go out with all work in club environments and would lie for him in a heartbeat. They seem to think that the "little woman" should be kept in her place. You can only imagine the fireworks that have flown through our household over time. We finally came to an agreement, only because I told him I am not going to sit at home while he is out all night and I am sitting here having more and more time to stew over the situation. I am not cool with it because I think if he were to have gone to dinner, gone ANYWHERE when we could have, it would have made a huge difference in how I felt about it now. He didn't even come back to the hospital the night our son was born like he had promised when I told him he could go "celebrate" with his "friends"...I didn't even get to hold our son because I was so upset about being left alone when he said he would be back that all I could do was kick in my post partum depression and couldn't eat, sleep, and cried for 3 days straight. I still haven't let it go, although I have forgiven him, I will never forget the disappointment and how his word can't be trusted. He has told me before when he went out that they were not going to a strip club, but lo and behold, where did he 20 minute me until he would get home for 3 hours. He has blown his trust with me, so it is hard for me to believe what he says. He is so vehement about me having a negative reaction to anyhting involving him and doing things he knows I would be upset about if he excludes me purposely. He agrees to something and then it just sucks for me when he breaks his word. Then I am just being a B. There are certain friends he has I would be cool with him hanging out with, but I have seen the others first hand cheat on their girls and I think the company you keep can influence you when you have been hanging out with them all the time. I wish I could put blind faith into him all the time, but I have been burned before, and also been on the flip side where I was married before and I was the one who always wanted to go out without my ex-husband, but we also went out together, and so did he. I guess I am just more upset because he is so adamant that he needs more time than the 16 hours a day he sometimes spends with these guys but can't spend a full 16 hours awake with me. If he is at home, he will sleep for 12 hours straight sometimes and I still don't even get to see him. But he professes to love me so much, I can even see it in his eyes. I guess he is just sending me mixed messages, because I love him as much as he says he loves me, but I am proud to take him everywhere with me. I am excited to spend time with him, and I just don't understand why I am such a noose around his neck when I tolerate where he works around naked women all day long, a nightclub all night long, where when one night I went to hang out with him for a friend of ours bday party there, that he "warned" me right before he left and I was going to come up after dropping the baby off at the sitter, that not to get jealous if women were hitting on him and flirting with him. Then to get there and a woman I was sitting beside at the bar proceeded to let me know how hot he was, etc. When I said yeah, I know, he's my baby's father. Then her story was, well, you should be glad, because no matter how much I hit on him he never takes me up on it. When I mentioned it to him after we got home, he says he never noticed he hitting on him. And he wonders why I doubt him. Go figure. I really do trust him, but as I told him, I do not think as long as works in this environment that he should be too upset about me questioning him or wanting to go along. And if he makes a big deal out of me going, that he shouldn't be surprised if I get a red flag warning going off inside my heart.

Thanks daisy...for the reply....of all people to respond..it would be someone with a sn of Daisy....before my sister passed away...we talked about what signs I would have that she was there...and she told me to when I saw Daisies...her fav flower... I had to smile at your name just now.... I have thought a lot recently about my situation.....posting here must be cathartic.... My husband has changed a lot......maybe too much for it to be normal...healthwise...I cannot help but wonder if there is something chemically imbalanced at this point.... There is no phys. abuse....but his personality makes me feel emotionally abused...certainly he thinks he is making good financial decisions...I am fearful if he does not come to terms with my concerns...he could lose everything.... I am convinced as well, that a urologist is giving him wrong doses of testosterone treatment...maybe not enough...or too much...something is not right and I need to find out.... My situation of feeling overwhelmed by this issue is not getting any better...maybe it will take a wake up call for him to understand he needs to either get more opinions of the treatment or stop them altogether....I realized when this began...and is consistent with those treatments beginning....the dr told him it would help his overall feeling of wellbeing....what a joke Thanks again for responding....my post is a difficult one to read and know how to respond to it....so much desperation in it...but I remember what the good witch in the wizard of oz told dorothy..."you had the power to go home the whole time"