When DH & I were first married we kept separate checking accounts. Both of us knew what the other made though. Since I do the banking & bill paying the separate accounts got to be a hassle, so we opened a joint one. If your husband pays some bills & you others, you may want separate accounts. Neither income should be secret. It does seem from your husband's actions that he either has an emotional problem or something to hide. Maybe something or someone in his past caused him not to trust anyone else with financial issues. Counseling may help in that case.

Some people are very private about their finances, as I am. But I'm private about it with other people, NOT my husband. As for an employer urging you to not share your salary, I understand that - with other employees. But certainly not with a spouse! A marriage is a partnership & both partners should be aware of what's going on. You're married & it's not "mine" or "yours", it's "ours". Talley Sue made a good point about the legal liability. There is an "innocent spouse rule" but I'm not sure how one would go about proving to the IRS that they knew nothing if there was a problem.

Tell DH that he needs to deal with this & definitely don't sign another tax return until you look at it. If he won't let you see it, refuse to sign.

I have to agree with the other posters. Your situation is NOT normal.

My husband and I allow each other only 1 secret: when we buy presents for the other.

Can you search the home while he's at work? Maybe you could find where he stores his financial papers?

I suggest you confront him somehow. You need to know what financial situation your're in. You need to be able to plan for the future. Do you have a retirement plan? Does he? Are you the beneficiary for his IRAs, 401ks, etc?

If you don't want to confront him yourself openly, perhaps you could do it in a round-about way. My financial advisor keeps reminding us that he works on comission, and he needs more clients to keep his income coming in. Can you get you hubby to see a FA together? This way you have an outsider helping you to plan for your retirement. Of course, if he doesn't let his own wife see his papers, a FA might not work....

Hi kdeleasa,

You've certainly got an earful (eyeful?) of feedback here...

If you're sincerely concerned (and I believe you have not only every RIGHT to be, but quite frankly I agree with Talley-Sue that you're in a legal pickle if you are NOT concerned...) then here's a solution for you;

Get an IRS 4506 information request form. It's available online at the IRS website or at your local library. Simply fill in your information, request the last 3 year's tax information be sent to you, sign it and send it off. IF YOU don't get the mail at home, have the return address sent to a friend's house.

The IRS will send you the last 3 years' of income tax returns as-filed. You should be able to find out at least SOMETHING about what you've been committing your signatures to.

As for the relationship, I think both of you are in sincere trouble. Ignoring money is no way to live your life... definitely get your knowledge and act together right away!

LUCK!
Dave Donhoff
National Money Guy

Speaking as a man, I would not keep my salary secret from my wife, unless she just didn't want to know. And as for his comment about his "personal affairs" not being your business, the other posters are right. Isn't that the DEFINITION of MARRIAGE? If his personal affairs are not your business, then why even get married? The only reason to get married is to share "personal affairs".

While I think it's OK to have certain secrets, money and bills (that you are both responsible for, by the way, regardless of whose name their in) should NOT be secret.

Let me tell you a story... I was also like you. My husband (now ex)was a stock broker/financial planner. I was a stay-at-home mom and worked part-time. He was a little secretive about the finances, but I had spending money of my own, and I figured he was a professional, so I was lazy and stupid and didn't pay attention. He paid the bills, did the taxes, (I signed them much like you did)and occasioanlly re-financed the morgage (said we were getting a better rate, please sign here.) We had other problems, and we divorced. Hey, guess what -- there was nothing left! The house was morgaged to the hilt, we were in complete and total debt, and I left the marriage with nothing, no job, no retirement account, no property. Six years later, I have a good job (lots of hard work), and a very small retirement account that I hope will grow quickly. I also own my own house, and am able to send my son to college in the fall. My ex-husband has continued his lifestyle and is now declaring bankrupsky. My advice -- get a clue!

You absolutely must know about his finances, there is nothing personal about it.

Do you each have a will? Who gets what? What about life insurance? Retirement? How are you supposed to feel financially at ease and plan for the future (and the future of your kids) when you're missing 1/2 the information? Its not fun to think about, but if he dies first, you don't want any surprises. If he doesn't understand this, then I suggest you take care of your finances on your own (life insurance, wills, college fund for the kids, etc.) and to hell with contributing to his financial needs. Next time he asks for money for a large purchase, say "sorry, I paid a hefty sum into an education fund for my kids this month, I'm tapped out." Get back into your business (how dare he tell you its a waste of time!), earn your own money, invest it on your own, and tell him you will be doing your own taxes next year.

This is not the way to live a married life and love your husband, but if he won't show you his, don't show him yours. Its not personal, its wise financial planning.

"Is it normal...." I can answer that with one word "NO!". Think about it, you are struggling to make ends meet for yourself and two kids, have no idea what your husband makes, AND he's away from home at least half of the month on business.

Where are his family and friends? Does he have an ex-spouse? All of these could give you clues as to why he is this way. Have you considered that he might be living a double life with relationships going on elsewhere?

Sorry, but I would INSIST that he share his financial matters with you immediately. He is taking advantage of the fact that you are fearful about conflict over money and knows that he can get away with keeping you in the dark. Another idea would be to insist that you go for some counseling together. If he refuses to go, I would say that you are own your own in this relationship.

Think about it this way, what are each of you gaining from this relationship? He apparently has a bed-partner, full-time homemaker, and someone who does not question his actions. You have a half-time compainion but must still pay the bills for you and your children, and have more questions than answers about your spouse.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I really think that this sounds abusive in a controlling sort of way. I would think that if you could run your own business you are smart enough to be a marriage PARTNER and you deserve better!

Good luck and God bless.

bizzybee has the key... Your husband is a dumbkopf. No reason on earth that he should keep his finances a big dark secret unless he's leading a double life. HAHA

The briefcase is the ticket... Why do you think he keeps his pay stubs in there??? You could go round to the local pub and give somebody $20 to steal if from him, without hurting him, of course.

OK, MeloDramatica over now... You're in deep kimshee... your prior "free and clear land and mobile" has now become a 'gift of marriage' once you fooled with it within the timeframe of the marriage. He owns half at least.

Your retail biz that you gave up is not a factor. You gave it up, he *could* use that as an argument about how you decided to be dependent on him and his income (don't laugh.. frigging Judge gave me, the wife, the worst settlement in history!) I sold my house after we got married (at his urging)... that then became a 'gift' to him within the marriage!... Hmmmm... somehow, that "gifted land and house" didn't appreciate at the same rate as the 'land' I bought in my own name, but allowed the biz to be erected on.

???Did he 'order' you to give up the retail biz so that you might not hear so much gossip from the townspeople?

GET THE HIGHEST PRICED LAWYER.. HE PAYS THE BETTER BRIBES!!!

Agree with everyone else...get your business up and running again PRONTO! How dare he say how you use your time when he is only in your life at best HALF of it! Look out for yourself...pay your own bills if you must, bank the rest...even though you consider yourself to be married, you are on your own financially and need to make sure that you and your kids will be okay whatever comes your way.

Would love to hear an update kdeleasa.

YOu know, now that you folks have started talking about leading a double life, this sounds very much like those stories you hear about a guy that has two wives that don't know about each other. Just thinking out loud.

My sister was in a marriage just like this. She didn't even know where the insurance papers were in case something happened. He would just say "well, it's in the files". What files? Not at home. Maybe at his office. They ended up divorcing. She hired a good lawyer and got a decent settlement. (it could have been more)

I honestly don't understand. He KNEW you had children when you married. Did he not want to help you raise them? If he is so paranoid about personal affairs, why did he get married? I hope you will think about what everyone has said and consult an attorney. You need to be protected. You could be liable for his credit card debts, personal loans, etc. if he has you on them (even without your knowledge). You were certainly generous in "donating" your home and property to the marriage.

Be smart. If push comes to shove, honey, he is not the last man on the earth who would love you...

I think in the time I have spent on the forum, this is the first time I have seen all the posters in 100% agreement. kind of scary!

But seriously, best of luck to you and let us know if you make any headway into taking joint ownership of financial affairs in the household!

I am a former probation officer with specialized training in domestic violence. Let me tell you, my red flags are going up ALL OVER the place!!
Trust me, it sounds like he is setting you up. Often a batterer will isolate the victim from money and family and friends. He has stopped you from working outside the home. He has made you feel responsible for the care of your children and the household (I agree with everyone, he knew what he was getting into when he married a woman with kids) so therefore the money you do make is tied up. He is keeping monetary issues private from you and telling you it is personal. Again, he is making it impossible for you to be able to financially leave him.
Next, you feel the need to defend him. You say he treats you well and you just moved into this lovely home. Well, there are some very wealthy women out there who get beat up an awful lot and don't leave because 1) no financial independence, 2) ashamed to be putting up with this and 3) (and most important) these guys are charmers and manipulators like you would not believe. They hit a woman and have her believing she "deserved" it, and 4) they think no one would believe them because of how nice this guy is to everyone else or his position in the community.
Please keep a few things in mind (here comes today's lesson in DV): The DV cycle is like a tornado (in more ways than one). The abuse may begin small, maybe a push, or just the threat of violence. He may even destroy something of yours-it still gets the point across. Then once he's crossed that barrier, and gotten away with it, the violence escalates. Anyway, there's an incidence of violent behavior. The batterer is immediately contrite and the "honeymoon" phase begins. Maybe you'll get flowers or some other type of gift. He's so very sorry, it'll never happen again, etc. Then the tension begins to build again. The victim learns to know this and will do anything and everything to prevent it. But, it happens, WHAM! another episode of violent behavior. Then the "honeymoon" again. The period between phases will get smaller and smaller. Oh, during the tension period, the batterer will start the "training"-the victim is willing to keep the peace, remember, so the batterer can get her (or in some cases, him) to agree to things that will "make things better" Thus, the isolation, etc.
Now, keep in mind, some batterers or abusers (including emotional abusers) can merely use their charm and ability to manipulate to get their victims to give up things on their own. Like your business. What does it matter if it was a waste of your time? Apparently you were making more money than you were before. Also, the "guilt" you feel for even questioning him. I'm sorry, but it sounds so classic. It really does come across as a textbook example of domestic violence.
If you don't want to leave this guy, please, for your sake and the sake of your children, make sure you have some money squirreled away and somewhere you can go to-just in case things do get dicey.
Also, can I point out that you must not be comfortable with the situation, or you wouldn't have posted your question-go with your instincts. Things are not normal and, in my opinion, are a little on the scary side.
Good luck and God bless you and your kids.

And if you're a little put off by the fact that we're all talking "violence" and "abuse" and he's never hit you, remember that really the issue is not violence but CONTROL! Even in the worst of situations, CONTROL is the point. Violence is only the tool to achieve it and to escalate it.

He has effectively created a situation in which he controls the finances. Even if he NEVER hits you, he is trying to control you.

You need to regain that control.

This is not normal. Every time that my husband even gets a raise he lets me know. We have separate checking and savings accounts and a joint checking and savings. This works extremely well for us. At the same time, we support each others financial situations regardless. This may not work for everyone, but is an excellent choice for us. Nita

Jeeez...I agree with Carolinachick...I will be getting married in the next year. My b/f knew I made good money and alot more than him..(he is my step brothers best friend..thats how he found out)..I told me on the second date that he really liked me but, was concerned by the fact that he doesnt make alot of money...All I need is a great man...not like the ones who carolinachick described..one was like to hit, other was lazy, other controlling..(these were WONDERFUL MEN in other areas)..The controlling was a step by step thing starting very simialr to what carolinachick said. Its starts out very sutle and very little things. NOw back to me and current. He knows exactly how much money I make, what I owe on the house that we will share, what needs to be fixed here, what my debt is..I also know his... I have a full time job during the day. At night I do two different types of in home parties. On the way home I call him and usually very excited tell him how much I made...Now...when I was growing up and being forced by nagging to get back to colleage..my mom used to tell me..do NOT rely on a man to support you..Mom knew this because she was married when she was 17..(a virgin I might add) She was trapped for many many years because of the same THINGS that carolina chick said. Now, I have told many men along the way my moms saying and most of the reactions are..jeeezz THAT IS NOT VERY NICE!!! JEEZZ WHAT DOES SHE HATE MEN?? My response is change it from my mom saying it to you telling that to YOUR DAUGHTER!! Instantly, they would say ...wow thats right or something along that line. Would you tell your daughter it is ok if this was her??? IT IS NOT NORMAL...Control has alot of mental abuse also...my last guy (a firefighter) had a way of making feel I was not worthy of him!! The day I dumped his ass and realized he was a control freak and liar my ego soared threw the roof...Control comes in alot of ways...he didnt control my money but, he controled the way I felt.. When and I say when becaues this kind of crap will ruin you...Now...as for being embarrassed...you live together..you have no privacey!! You see each other naked, you sometimes have gas ect ect ect....a how much do you make is a very simple question..if he will not tell you..pack your bags sister...not just tell you show you. Another thing....I know of a very very very weathly couple that the husband just had her sign the tax return..These people had homes, their own airplanes, jewels..they were mega rich...you know what happened to her??? she send out a this is the hardest letter I will have to write... My husband is going to prison for tax ivasion and I am going to be going to because I JUST SIGNED THE FORM..I need help getting money to get an attorney because I have no money to get one... Please please help me from going to jail.....I hope this post wakes you up and maybe saves your life... Good Luck...use those gut insticts...

This is not normal. My wife and I have been married 7 1/2 years, and, while she has her own bank account for her earnings, so she can buy things with 'her' money for me, we have a joint account for my pay and for paying all common expenses. We hide nothing from each other. We both believe that a successful marriage relies on Love, Trust, Communication, and Openness about emotions and finances. Most failed marriages seem to fall down on one or more of these points. Although you say he's a wonderful man, I have to wonder why he's being so secretive of money, and why you had to give up your 'waste of time' business. You are an equal partner in every respect in a marriage, and deserve to be in his confidence and vice versa.

I am in 100% agreement with every one who has posted. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. When you marry, you should know everything there is to know about your future finances, etc. etc. I would have not been comfortable marrying him unless I knew about all the financial affairs. I would have needed to know his income, spending and saving habits, credit habits, bills and property ownerships, etc. etc. I think this information is IMPORTANT for a HEALTHY union. Once you are married, you become responsible for all financial matters. I once clipped a column from Ann Landers. I wish I still had it, but it was about a woman that married and later divorced a man. She knew nothing about his finances, before and during the union. AFTER they divorced, the IRS went after HER for HIS previous expenses. (He had been lying and cheating the IRS for years, before and during the union.) She was shocked to discover this, and then devastated when she realized she had a legal responsibility as well, even though he owned the business long before they were together and they were divorced. It wiped her out completely, and I have never forgotten Ann's advice. It is to late for you to learn everything about him prior to marriage, but you had better start, NOW! You have two children to care for (not his, I take it.) It was your property, and was your trailer home until you got a new one. You had the business...seems like he knew all about YOUR assets....but he doesn't wish to discuss his? TOUGH!
Better to find out NOW, then five years from now. Good luck. (PS: A good private eye will help you to get any information he may be unwilling to share.) Protecting yourself and your children is of prime importance. I agree with the person who mentioned the red flags!! Check into now, before it gets any worse (because it won't get better on it's own.)

Original poster, where are you? Has anything changed since April? Let us know if your OK.

I would just like to add my $0.02 on this topic.

1. I've been watching a lot of Dr. Phil lately, and he says, "People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." So ask yourself, what is he trying to hide.

2. When I read the first post, I immediately thought: double life. I was surprpised that it took so long for someone to bring it up. I would like to relay this true story as an example. A close relative of mine has been married for nearly 20 years. They had a very close relationship that everyone envied. He took very good care of her emotionally, and she still acknowledeges that they had a great marriage with no problems until the announcement. They were best friends in every way. This was a marriage that many, many people envied. Her spouse had been a former bookeeper, so he handled all the family finances. Last year he announced that he had found someone else. Devastating for my relative, but fine, the seperation began. In the following months she discovered that a home that should have had over $100,000 in equity was mortgaged to the max. The credit card bills were piling up (over $40,000.) He claimed that they were in debt because he had used all the money that their retail store generated to pay business expenses. The only problem is that many business expenses were not paid. Then he claims that the business did not generate enough money. (Funny thing about that is that as soon as he left the picture, my relative was able to get the business in order (plenty of cash flow, no problem.)) He had done so many balance transfers and shuffles that the money trail was impossible to follow. Legal bills for the divorce are piling up, and now he wants to declare bankruptcy. If he does, she will be forced to declare as well, because all creditors will go after her when they can't get to him. Her credit will be destroyed! Now here's the kicker. Shortly after his announcement, his new partner purchased a house with a sizeable down payment (we know because the mortgage is public record.) Many of us believe that the down payment came from the equity in my relative's house, but there is no way to prove it. We believe this because we can't figure out where else he could have spent the money, since he didn't pay any bills. Remember, this was a marriage where he wasn't "hiding" anything (my relative just wasn't paying attention.)

And now you say that your spouse is gone 50% of the time and he refuses to share financial information with the woman that he sleeps with and calls his life partner? How much would it cost to have a PI follow him while he's on a business trip. I would do it, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that there was nothing going on. Remember, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Windchime...GREAT GREAT POST....Never thought of the double life thing...I have a question about your story. Since you thought the money came from their house to out down on the business partners..just was the business partner female? Is that the other person? Good luck to the female in your story...Sometimes I complain and that I hate having to write out all of this and take care of all of this...Looks like there is a plus to it..

I was never able to hide finances and earnings from my wife. My employer always sends my wife earning statements and there would be no way I could keep that from her, even If I could get into the mailbox before her. My employer puts all earnings on line at a web site.
My wife has noty worked in eight years so it is easy to know how much she has earned ... no sectrets in my house what is hers is mine... what is mine is hers.

Or what my wife says to me all the time "what's your's is mine and what's mine is mine".

Actually I make all the money, she does all the bookkeeping, so if anyone in our marriage has the opportunity to be leading a double life, it's her. Sure, taking care of a 5 year old and a 2 year old, she has so much free time to fool around on me.

Too bad the original poster never gave a follow-up, I'd be really interested to find out how this turned out. Not too good I would expect.

Mike K

I've been married for nearly 11 yrs. now. I have complete confidence in my spouse. We have wills, powers of attorney, and money decisions are made mutally. There is power and confidence in knowing how much you have, and making decisions that will affect you both, MUTUALLY. Either one of us could assume the reins with complete confidence if either of us died tomorrow. Marriage is a partnership, at least for us.

We have "house" money; a checking account, a savings account, and a money market for "big" bills. We each have "our" money, although both names are on the accounts. "Our" money is just that, it's our very own, personal "stash". If we want to buy something for ourselves that's what we use. We don't feel an obligation to declare/explain the money spent.

Sorry, let me clarify: when I said his "new partner," I meant "life partner"/lover/companion/etc... He never had a business partner (other than his wife.) He walked away from that business anyway, even though there were no cash flow problems once he stopped stealing.

Mike, I like what you said, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." But you could say the same thing back to her, and you'd both be right. DH and I are in the same situation as you and your wife. DH asks me every so often, "how much money do we have?" And I proceed to spell out our net worth, where all our assets are, etc. His eyes glaze over and I get the feeling he's thinking, "thank god I don't have to worry about this." Nor does he have to worry about the laundry, or a whole host of other chores. But if he's interested, I'm more than willing to tell him where we keep the detergent, after all...I have nothing to hide. ;)

I would say that no, this isn't a normal thing, that he may be living a double life was the first thing that popped into my head as I read the original post, and I immediately became very scared/worried for her.

The fact that she hasn't posted since April scares me for her sake even more.

My husband and I have joint savings and checking accounts, we both know each others salaries, heck, he knows how much money I have in my wallet right now, and I know how much he has in his! Money is not something we keep secret from each other. As a matter of fact, we don't have secrets from each other! Ok, unless he's planning a surprise party for me or I'm going to surprise him with a present or something, that's allowed :) We are each others best friends, we talk openly and honestly about everything, we have nothing at all to hide from each other. That's what's normal for a good marraige, I think.

Dawn

Sorry, I don't have time to read all the replies, but want to post anyway.

Don't sign any tax forms that you can't look at or you may end up so deeply in debt to the IRS you can never get out from under it. Or you can go to jail. I know someone who went through this. After a divorce she found out her ex was cheating on the taxes, he can't pay, she has to. This was a few years back, don't know if the law has changed. If I were you I would consult a tax attorney.

Hello kdeleasa,

Where are you?

We haven't heard for almost a year.

We've been wondering how things are working for you.

Our thoughts have been with you.

A few prayers, as well?

joyful guy/Ed

Any updates?

Can we get Mr. Spike involved so he can maybe do some checking on kdleasa? might make national headlines. At very least, he can tell us what city she is in and we can check out stuff. Just a thought. Many care about her.

We are all wondering what happened to kdleasa!! Could it be we have all been taken in by her post?? I've looked at her "page" for a email address.. none there.. blank.. what gives?

Maybe it's a hoax, but maybe we'll all have our 15 minutes of fame when her story turns up on "Unsolved Mysteries".

Have e-mailed Mr. Spike requesting any info he may have. He must hold all our info in secret, but maybe he will be able to give info to appropriate people.

Don't forget she might have changed jobs or has no more access to the internet or a computer.

Sad, isn't it?

...NOT that someone can post, asking for advice and help, and everyone gets so involved with a stranger's life, and we get emotionally attached... but that NOW we are left worrying?

Ah, the electronic marvel of the internet!

I read all of the previous posts, and became enthralled with worry, concern, and emotion for this person I didn't know from Adam.

Now, with no reply from her in so long, I am worrying for her well-being.

I'll retain my bankroll of my 2 cents on what I think was originally going on. BUT ... I have to admit, that there is a very strong possibility, that kdeleasa agreed with some posters and took more action in her marriage.

But alas, it seems if things had worked out or taken a turn for the better, she would have posted back by now.

Hopefully we can all learn from this and remember to follow-up!

I know these are only posts of typed words, but these simple words have a way of reaching inward on those who read them and touch heart strings.

I hope she eventually posts back........ I, for one, could use some form of closure on this story.

"my 2 cents anyway"

-BH-

We sit and we type,

And we stare at our screens,

We all have to wonder,

What this possibly means.

With our mouse's we roam,

Through the rooms in a maze,

Looking for something or someone,

As we sit in a daze.

We chat with each other,

We type all our woes,

Small groups we do form,

And gang up on our foes.

We wait for somebody,

To type out our name,

We want recognition,

But it's always the same.

We give kisses and hugs,

And sometimes flirt,

In MIRC we chat deeply,

And reveal why we hurt.

We do form friendships

But why we don't know,

But some of these friendships,

Will flourish and grow.

Why it is on screen,

We can be so bold,

Telling our secrets,

That have never been told.

Why is it we share,

The thoughts in our mind,

With those we can't see,

As though we were blind.

The answer is simple,

It's as clear as a bell.

We all have our problems,

And need someone to tell.

We can't tell "real" people,

But tell someone we must,

So we turn on the computer,

And to those we can trust.

Even though it is crazy,

The truth still remains,

They are Friends Without Faces,

And odd little names.

Thank you, Gina.

I am thankful that I live in a country, as do many of us, where there is a substantial measure of freedom, democracy, and prosperity.

I never realized how thankful I should be for those blessings - till I spent several years in a country where they were very scarce.

Valuing my freedom, I should also value freedom for each of you in equal measure.

kdeleasa has exercised her freedom to withhold further connection - which is her right. We trust that it is a voluntary choice on her part.

While we regret that she has not reported how things are going, we have offered ideas which we hope that she has found helpful, including several suggestions that she recapture a greater assurance of her self-worth.

I note that she chose to have every message forwarded to her, so she probably has seen them all, even though she may not have returned here.

We have offered advice and, we hope, some insight and inspiration. And several suggestions that she look at her situation from a different light.

It is her choice what she does now.

We hope and pray that she is all right.

And that she will choose to return to let us know how she and her family is. In her own good time.

Good wishes to you all.

ole joyful

thanks, JG, but the poem was in response to brainhiccups post on why we get so involved.

Ran into a dead end on my investigating name. Will leave it at that

Gina

I am somewhat perplexed.

This has become a very old thread - inactive for very nearly four years (people here are far less talkative than over on the KT, as old threads drop over the edge of the abyss there after 67 pages or so, in under three months).

As noted above, one of the posters sent a message to Spike, asking that this poster be followed up on, as nothing had been heard from her in over a year, and it was almost the unanimous opinion of the posters that they were somewhat worried about the poster's situation.

Someone said that there was no opportunity at her profile to send a message to her.

It appears, however, that all of the messages were sent to her ... if she still had access to the computer that she used to send the original message.

I was checking over some ancient posts tonight, and wondered what results there may have been.

When I clicked on the original poster's profile, the reply that I received was, "Sorry, but the person that you are seeking doesn't exist".

Did she exist, and did someone (probably the late and frequently lamented Spike) post it after having done some checking?

Or it could be that this is someone's method (at iVillage?) of dealing with the prolonged inactivity on the part of a former member. As a matter of routine file-clean-up?

An intriguing result, it seems.

ole joyful

I heard/read somewhere here (at GW) that after a member has been inactive for so long (not sure how long, or how many years), that the member's name is deleted.

A good thing I guess, as GW then knows how many active members there are...for the advertisers and the revenue it generates.

This post sure was an interesting saga. Thanks for reviving it OJ.

Sue...thinking out loud here

well,

with him being such a control freak...

and with all those responses copied directly to her (at the house?) saying as much...

my bet is he quickly got that internet access severed.

I do wonder how it turned out for her and her kids. Not well I fear.

The messages would have come to her email storage, that needs a password to access, so it might be he didn't get to see them.

And, if he knew of her password to some of her operation on the internet, I hope that she had some other email addresses going that he didn't know anything about. With some stuff like she spoke of here being among the things that she included there.

I hope that she isn't a thorough-going doormat!

ole joyful

I don't know if somebody has suggested this, but you can get a copy of your tax forms from the IRS.

And, no , it's not normal.

Wow, this is old! I hope the everything turned out okay for the OP.

So does anyone know the average cost of hiring a private I? Just curious. I saw the question about but never saw an answer.

I just caught Dave's great suggestion about requesting the tax information. That could be useful to many of us.

Red

I hear that sometimes "private I"s, or "private eye"s, or whoever ...

... sometimes get aN EYEFULL!

ole joyful

P.S. Darn! That arthritic finger that hits the "Shift" along with the "a" has been at it, again!

o j

Looks like caps lock to me, Ed... :-)

Doesn't help that these darned keyboards keep getting smaller!

I agree this is a red flag. I'm recently divorced and my exH was abusive & controlling when it came to money (among other things). It was a slow progression, so by the time it got bad and I had to ask friends & family about marital money & what other couples did, I was already being taken advantage of. It had gone far enough that our money dysfunction seemed "normal" to me, and getting back on-track was not possible.

If you would go seek advice from an attorney (in my state-IL), 50% of his marital money is yours, and vice versa. At minimum, you should have knowledge of it. Best-case scenario, you should have access to it.

I'm of the opinion that if he says it's not your business...he is hiding something from you. To what level of terror or embarrassment???...who knows...and that's relative to each person. What I'm ashamed of may not be a big deal to the next person.

You need to see the taxes. You need to see the bank accounts & statements. In a marriage, his windfalls and losses are yours too. Don't turn a blind eye in HOPES it's all okay. Verify for yourself it's okay.

i guess it is safe to assume OP won't be reading this-- but just in case someone else who needs to see it is reading this post:

please be careful about how you approach someone who is controlling. this could be a trigger point for him. do the research on your own, because you can't/shouldn't trust what he says at this point anyway. get that form from the IRS, hire a PI, and meanwhile, find out what is owed on the trailer, the cars, the credit cards. run a credit report for yourself. you need to have facts so that you can protect yourself and your children.

be safe about it, don't confront him unless you are in public and won't be alone with him later.

sorry to be so scary, but my alarm bells are going crazy after reading your post. take care and get support/help.