Spending "his" money is, in reality, spending your money. Has he asked you to hold off for good, sound financial reasons? If so, then spending the money for revenge purposes will come back to bite you in the a$$.

This has to be put into context before I jump in. Did he spend big money on a boy toy without asking you (after asking you not to)? Did he have an affair?

Sleep on it Artlover and think it out first, don't do anything mad. You'll be over your madness and the money will be gone.

....Jane

I have to agree with awm03, usually going out and spending lots of money, especially in these most difficult financial times, will only serve to make life much harder for you in the long run. While no one can truly make this decision for you, I would recommend taking a step back, wait at least 24 hours until some of the anger dissipates and then decide what you want to do. The saying, 'Don't let the sun go down on your anger' is definitely some of the best advice I could ever recommend to married couples. DH and I try very hard to always honor this. We will stay up all night if we have to but we never go to bed angry at one another. We will celebrate 19 years of marriage in September.

I certainly don't claim to have the perfect marriage and we have definitely had our fair share of difficult times over the years, but those times have served to make our relationship the solid rock that it is today.

Good luck!

Here is a link that might be useful: AWESOME BOOK - Everyone who is married or thinking about getting married should read this! 'HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS'

I've been married 22 years and I can count on one hand the times we've had an argument that was so angry and ugly - in many of those fights I've gone so far as to think why do I stay married to this *sshole etc. Then I go into a pout and the silent treatment for a day or two. Eventually we start talking and what we were so angry about tends to lose its importance and things go back to normal.

But those feelings during the fight and post fight anger can be very strong! I would hold back and wait 48 hours and then see how you're feeling. I would bet in a few days when things are calmed down and you're looking at the sales receipt for the expensive items you've purchased, you'll feel buyers remorse and realize that they didn't really make you feel better.

On the other hand, he might also feel badly about the fighting and extend an olive branch that will make you happy and you might end up with some of the things you're coveting!

Nope.

Goldust - no he never spends big money and he is faithful. We're going through some stuff right now and he is withdrawn and cool.

Scarlet - I've always heard that principle and believe it, but it takes two to make it work.

When we were going through premarital counseling we read a book called Loved Languages. That book totally spoke to me. We know what each other's love language is but I am tired of speaking his language when he isn't willing to reciprocate.

I will sleep on it, but I don't think this problem is going away any time soon. Thanks for letting me vent.

artlover, I would say "withdrawn and cool" is one of the toughest things to deal with. I think it's called stonewalling. Link to an article (that makes the fix sound so easy!) about it-- see below.

I would suggest, that right now, you focus on you. That means, try not to REACT but be proactive. Whatever you do, don't engage. I can't repeat that enough. Silence (not ignoring) is really golden. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could just BE QUIET . . .with my DH, my kids, mom, etc.

Here is a link that might be useful: Stonewalling

Timely. Just got back from a lovely day at the coast, saw the kids & my mom. Dogs had a great time on the beach and hiking in the forest. Then, on the 2 hr drive home, DH and I had a stupid fight and I'm so angry at him I am going to make him sleep in the guest room.

He's giving me the silent treatment and I'm tempted to be a brat and do something that'd 'serve him right'. But I'm going to pull on my big girl panties and wait it out. Grrrrr.

Good luck to you.

I never fight with money. A virtual skillet over the head maybe, in past relationships. Do not go shopping immediately. Step away from the checkbook for now.

Is he a puffer fish, by any chance? Maybe you are a trout? If so, your relationship may need extra effort at understanding. Just saying...

artlover- i'm sorry your dh is being difficult, but don't plot a spending revenge it will only make things worse.

Get a box of crayons and a coloring book and have some quiet time- no joke- that's what I do if I get ticked. Think about it- how many little kids are angry when they color?
Well I find it very therapeutic- gives me time to think and relax.

Maybe you could give DH a coloring book and crayons and see if he opens up a little?

I do think that way. It generally does not serve me well. The high of doing what I want to do quickly wears off and I feel worse when I have to own up to my actions because I know that I should not act that way.

Now, one of my alternates is to wash his jeans and underpants and air dry them. We don't have a clothesline so this this means stiff jeans and drawers because after all, I am saving money. (Admittedly it is childish but I do feel better afterwards).

You asked if fighting with your spouse was liberating- but then you talked about revenge. That's 2 different concepts. Fighting can be merely an angry argument and it might be liberating if it's kept to an exchange of opinions, airing grievances, expressing those things that have been simmering in the background. Once you step past that and into the name calling, insult, or revenge mode then you're digging yourself into a deeper mess that leaves both parties deeply wounded.

Some married couples can argue freely, clear the air and then resume normal routines without any lingering hurt. Others - and I fear it's usually the woman who does this- never forget the stings and arrows of the last fight.

I think it might be better to hold off on the money issue and see how things feel in a few days.

Liberating? No. The very few times my husband and I have argued, have been anything but liberating. It makes us both sad and upset that things even got to that point. IMO, revenge is not healthy in a marriage.

It's very rare for us to have much more than a minor disagreement. We are almost always able to talk though a disagreement and work things out - or at the very least, see each other's point.

We made that agreement when we were first married. There are no insults, name calling, simmering, revenge, etc. I agree with the old advice of not going to bed angry. Communicate. Work things out. If that doesn't work, I would take the advice of others here and hold off a day or two. Spending the money rashly is not going to help either of you.

tina

Not liberating at all; oppressing even.

I've watched my parents fight a lot, and this was a good example for me of what "not" to do; sad really, and they are still going at it in their early 80's.
It becomes a pattern, I think.

artlover, good luck in solving whatever is ailing in your relationship right now. No one wins when things are at a standstill.

The unsaid sometimes hangs heavily in the atmosphere, expressing whatever is making you mad might clear the air.

Artlover, we all succumb to frustrations momentarily. The key is to vent as you have, but not follow through on our worse instincts. Listen to your inner wisdom urging caution. Your higher self is speaking to you or you would not have sought counsel before sabotaging your self-respect and your marriage.

Anele's article on stone-walling rings true to what I've learned as far as people retreating when they feel disrespected or hurt. We all have different emotional responses and none is better than the other, just different. When I was much younger I used to desperately want my husband to always respond as I thought he "should." After more than 30 years, I've learned to be much more tolerant.

If you have your own or watch others' children, particularly while young, or even pets you've loved, it is so apparent how each truly responds differently. I marvel at how unique each is, and love them for their spirit. Step back from your current issue and focus on the many positives in your life you've told us about -- the beauty of nature which surrounds you, the lovely trips you and DH have enjoyed, etc. Then, throw the scorecard away. It seems we're all here to learn lessons, and there's no useful purpose to seeing if you give more than he. Just give 100% as often as you can. Our capacity is not as restricted as we sometimes think.

Now what I'm about to say is heretical to us who love to enjoy beautiful surroundings, but perhaps you've been paying an inordinate amount to attention to home decor recently and your DH is not on the same page. If that's the case, take a break from home makeovers and do something totally different. A change of perspective does a body good.

Hope you're feeling much happier soon!

I am not sure why many women give more weight to their husband's opinion than their own. If after listening to his arguments of why and why not, you should be able to make up your own mind.

But don't listen to me. My relationship would not fit into the box of any standard model. I don't want to crash a marriage with advice that won't work with the personalities involved.

At home, I make the decisions. At work, he makes his. He knows that I see the big picture at home and I know that he is fully capable of running his life. How could either of us pretend to know better than the other?

In the end, it all comes out right with both of us happy.

:OD

paintchips, couples dynamics vary but I agree with you about having certain areas defined where one person rules the roost, depending on their expertise or share of responsibility. That's always worked for us.

For dh and I, it's made our life simpler and less consultation is necessary; I like to bounce ideas off him when I feel the need and so does he regarding each of our defined areas. But I like doing my thing and not having to have endless discussions on absolutely everything; that's how we are and it works for us.

Although I have to admit I find that DH has been more opinionated in recent years re: things he did not used to comment about, and I've had to hold my ground. Sometimes it's something as little as the fact I have my nails done every week, he's started to say " I find that such a waste of money" , or "again?"
and honestly, it's not negotiable for me, we can afford it and I love it.
I just say "really?" when he says things like that. No argument.

I cut my hair once when I was really, really mad at Hubby (then former fiance). He liked it long; I liked it really short. I cut it really short. It felt really good and was exactly what I needed to do at the time to express how I felt...

However, that was 15 years ago, and I haven't done it since. Neither has he. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it as a regular strategy.

"Is he a puffer fish, by any chance? Maybe you are a trout?"

Love the analogy! Don't understand it completely, but it's got sizzle ;-)

Wow! I didn't get it when it was suggested "his" money and I don't get having areas that affect both where one person calls the shots. Every relationship is different and whatever people jointly decide to promote harmony within their relationship is appropriate, but I'd be seriously PO if my mate made choices which affect how I live without consulting me. We're different inasmuch as I get his input on our decor and what we eat and he gets mine on what type of car to get with "our" $. It helps that our tastes coincide or I'd guess we'd have to figure out another system. Now my DH may be perfectly content if I'd make some mundane decisions for him, but to me that feels as if he's off the hook and being taken care of by "Mom." Since we're both adults, we try to treat each other as such. OTH, getting your nails done if within your family's budget is very reasonable to me and wouldn't be a subject for discussion.

But that's totally different dynamics then the revenge element artlover was contemplating. Acting in less than good form isn't ok in the long or short run, so it means we all have to grit our teeth, count to 100, leave the room, vent online or whatever it takes to cope until we can respond better.

In a nut shell "NO". We love and respect each other too much to go that route. No matter what the dynamic is in your relationship, that's deceitful and wrong. We seldom argue, but when we do, there are boundries that we don't cross. We don't swear at each other, call names or bring up the past. We stay focused on the issue and discuss it. If one of us is upset, we take a break, and come back to it later. But under no uncertain terms do we threaten our relationship or try to put fear in the each other. And we would NEVER intentionally do something just to hurt each other.

Everyone takes a time out now and then to think through an issue or problem that's bothering them. If my DH is quiet, I just give him his time and usually, when he's ready, he'll bring up a conversation about it to get my opinion.

Years ago I read that book Venus & Mars, it's a silly book, but a lot of what was talked about in it, hit home. Having a better understanding of how both men and women tick in general has helped me and our marriage ALOT.

My SIL is a puffer fish. DD is a trout. He is a great provider and works hard. When he gets stressed out he blows hot air. It took DD awhile to not take it personal. His outbursts don't happen often but he just has to blow off steam once in awhile. A bit of Type A personality but not totally.

SIL is a sweetie. Loving, faithful and fun. DD is more like me. She is calm and thinks before she speaks, generally. It took her awhile to learn how to calm him down, not personalize it and just get on with her day. SIL has the 'puffer fish' gene. (He thinks it's funny and appropriate.) DD has the 'trout' gene.

DH and I are both trout. We have very easy marriage and I can't remember the last time we fought. We respect each other. We've never called a name or even swore at each other.

Our marriage vows included supporting each other to be the best people we can be. We meant it. He supports everything I do and I support him. It hasn't been hard because we're both trout. LOL!

I have been married for 17 years & can relate completely to the way you are feeling. Iam a "talker" and my husband, when very angry, withdraws & gives me the "silent treatment". It certainly takes more than one hand to count the times I've silently wondered if I'd be better off single ... I don't know what you are fighting about (if you are even still upset), but I do know that spending money will give you a momentary high, but leave you feeling hollow & without resolution of what else is going on. If you are having serious difficulties, look into marriage encounter or retrouvaille -- If it is more simple, hopefully venting to your in-person or cyber friends will give you the support you need. It's never fun. I think if people spoke more about issues and how they resolve them, people would feel less alone when they find themselves faced with a problem --and maybe more marriages would endure.

Is Fighting with your spouse liberating?

Nope. I jettisoned him to outer space in 1975. :o)

Speaking *for myself only*, I could never be in a relationship in which I was completely financially dependent. It just wouldn't work for me. So the concept of getting revenge by spending money doesn't compute for me. My husband and I have always had ours, his and hers funds. Figured out in proportion to what we each earn and the VAST majority of the money each of us earns go into the 'ours' account. So, if I went out to burn cash it would either be ours or mine, I guess that means I couldn't do any revenge spending. But it also means I never need to!

Ann

Wow. This is the first time I've checked this post since I wrote it a few days ago. I am overwhelmed that so many people care about what I'm going through. I will bookmark this thread to read the next time my feathers are ruffled.

DD and SIL were here for the weekend which helped me focus on something other than my problems. It was great to see them and we got out a lot and had nice family dinners.

I think I am starting to thaw a little, although it comes and goes. DH is so d**n stubborn, I think I'm going to have to wait this out and try not to be so reactionary. I don't want this to cause permanent damage to our marriage.

LOL Tishtoshnm - stiff shorts - that's pretty funny. I wonder if he knew you were retaliating, or if he just thought you were too ditsy to get the laundry right.

Golddust - I haven't heard of the puffer fish and trout mentality. Is that original? You are going to have to spell it out for me. Guess I don't know much about fish.

Thanks again everyone. You can't imagine how this has warmed my heart.

Oh, my big spending spree? $80

I hate fighting. It's not liberating, but sometimes it just needs to be done.

Anyway, I will be the lone dissenter here. Yes, I sometimes will go out and pamper myself in the midst of a fight. I wouldn't really call it 'revenge', and I don't go out of my way to show the purchase to my husband. But he is certainly the silent treatment type, and if I can't air my grievances with him fully, at least I will buy something to make me feel good. Then I feel better, he thaws out by himself in a day or two, and all is well.

Works for me...but of course, I'm not referring to huge dents in the budget, just purchases he would consider totally unnecessary....small dents in the budget, shall we say. I know it's both our money, but sometimes a little pampering is necessary to save one's sanity.

Last year when we were DIYing our kitchen(still in progress, but this was back during the nitty gritty cooking on a hot plate in the box-filled DR and washing dishes in the laundry tub stage,) DH and I were fighting constantly. Anger was constantly boiling over. I sat at my cousin's house in tears wondering if my marriage was worth it. And she said to me, "Tell me what it is that you love about him." What?! He's a great big jerk! again, "Tell me what it is that you love about him." He's smart & funny, he's sweet & well meaning, he's a great father and loves our kids, he puts up with my sh!t, the list goes on and on. OK, so he's not a great big jerk and I need to work on my reaction to things.

So this is what worked for me. Not the silent treatment. Not revenge. Not blowing through a wad of money. Sex. Yep, I went there. I decided that angry or not, tired or not, we'd have sex at least once every 36 hours. All arguing stopped. Not right away, but it did stop. DH asked if I was trying to kill him and I told him I was reconnecting. And I was. Sometimes it was just going through the motions and that was ok. I became less angry and he was happy as a clam. He stopped needing to be right and I stopped caring if I wasn't.

Obviously, this wouldn't work to repair a truly broken marriage and YMMV, but it certainly can't hurt a marriage going through a bad patch.

Now that's thinking outside of the box Lax!!! LOL, great resolution and stradegy!

I think Lax's husband has tapped into her account .... :)

jettisoned. hehe.

Now that is the way to get some decorating money!

:OP

jk

Hehe, you guys. Really it wasn't a bribe, but at the same time the expensive soapstone counters that I absolutely needed were no longer an issue. And I could take months looking at individual slabs without making a decision without him freaking out about the long wait.