Marriage is Over

13 years ago

Hi everyone
Sorry I haven't posted in a while but it has been stressful the last few months.

My DH and I split up and I moved out a week ago. It is a long story and although I won't go into the details I wanted you to know that I am okay. I've never been on my own before and it is a new experience for me. I have the support of family and friends which is helping me get through this. DH and I are not going through any bitter battles and have separated peacefully. We both accepted responsibility for our actions and this is the best thing for us. We were together 25 years but I knew deep in my heart that this was the best thing for me.

Please bear with me during this time. I will be posting more and keeping you updated on things. I know I can always count on my KT family for support.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

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Comments (47)

Georgysmom
13 years ago
A brave decision. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Good luck and I wish you well. You know you have a good support group here.
glenda_al
13 years ago
Good luck and best thoughts!
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I am going through the same thing here, me and my husband have only been married for 9 months he has lft me 4 times, due to my children, I have a 19 yr old son who was living on his own and he had to move back w us in august 08, he has a job, he is trying to fix his truck, he has been blowing his money on his truck, but it still needs work, my husband left on dec 9th, with no warning, he just said that he was tired of my kids running over us. he was not working i have been the main bread winner for almost a year, he also took 2 grand out of our acct, we had a joint cking. He was wrking side jobs here and there, but nothing big, he would make a few hundred dollars once in a while, he did do all of the housework, dinner, washing clothes, etc...he did give me a lot of affection, attention, and i know he does love me. he is living two hours away, he says he does not want a divorce however he cant move back in with me and my son. he says i let my son do what ever he wants, he has no responsiblities, i do take my son to work every day. I have to constantly remind him to do chores, my son and husband got in a fist fight the night he left, and was confronted about taking the money out of the bank. I know i have been a slack parent. but i do love this man, he is good to me, however leaving me for the 4th time makes me wonder what to do. I am so confused, he says he does not want a divorce, i started the filing, but i have delayed it until i can decide what to do. my freinds do not like my husband they say he is no good for me. the neighbors dont like him, he is overbearing with disipline. i agree, however when you still love someone it is hard to let go. we never had one fight or fuss until my kids moved back in. i cant go to my freinds for any advice, they just see what he has done, they dont see the good times we had, but how can i just kick my son on the street with no where to go? how can he expect me to do that? i am so torn and confused myself I can relate to your situtiation very well help me also with some advice
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"He has no desire to make himself physically attractive and just DOES NOT CARE. Like I said, those actions are not depression. It's how his entire family is". Those are EXACTLY the symptoms of depression... "not caring" and not showering, etc, is what depression is about for most people. Plus, the fact that it runs in his family only adds more fuel to fact that's he's proabbly suffering from depression because it often runs in families. It does not sound like just a bad habit to me; it sounds like the men in your husband's family suffer from depression. What am I missing? Normal, healthy people don't act like this. If it was habit, it would have been learned and practiced in childhood, not all of a sudden something that popped in in their 30- 40's (another thing that points to depression if you research it). It also sounds to me his depression was exacerbated after learning about your affair and went form a low level chronic type a more major type with major mood swings, etc. I can understand you falling out of love with a guy like this, but I really think you need to take a step back and realize that everything may be some what fixable. Most men will not seek threatment themselves for depression, but they may at the insistance of their wives. So, please do some real research on depression (I'm not sure what symptoms you are looking for but most men don't constantly cry) and talk to your husband about it and getting some help or at least talking to someone about it. I don't think it is a good idea to make a rash decision about your marriage just because you have some money coming in. Why can't you just hang onto the money and keep it if/when you decide for sure if you want to leave? I just don't understand the urgency of having to leave now because of the money. A decision to divorce should be thoughtout, and generally not be made rashly. Here's an article on depression... be sure to read the top quote where the man talks about not showering or brushing his teeth, and just not caring... You can find tons of info. on depression in men. Please don't rule it out. Here is a link that might be useful: Depression
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Just thought I would pop back in. Doesn't god hate lazy people too who refuse to help themselves or take care of their family? We went to visit both our families this weekend...about an hour away. We were supposed to eat lunch with my family today. He had wanted to stay at his mom's and I wanted to stay at my mom's (more comfy bed), so he said lets split up. We ate dinner with his mom Sat night, she offered to pay and he grabbed the check and said no we will pay. Then proceeds to hand it to me since he has no $$$. I don't know why but I paid. I should have said something. His mom knows we are having trouble - he told her we are declaring bankruptcy and I told her the business has failed. So I call him at 12 today to say I was on my way to pick him up. He says no I have to go home to work we need to leave now. I said that we already had plans and he could eat with us if he wanted or stay at his moms, and I would pick him up afterwards.. He chose to stay there and sulk. His mom pissed me off as she knew we had plans with my family and she says to me on the phone when I called to talk to him at 12...oh we are celebrating aunt so and so's birthday today at such and such place if you want to go there instead. Then we get home at 5pm and he goes to bed. He hasn't had any photoshoots in a month, so any work he might have is from over a month ago. Plus he never mentioned he needed to leave at 12 even when I spoke with him the night before. Whatever. y mom asked what was wrong, because clearly I was upset, even though I was trying to hold it all in. So against my more rational judgement I kinda told her what was going on. I really didn't know what she would say...she is pretty religous. She said, well I hope he gets it together and you don't have to get divorced, but you can't keep wasting your life and always having to push him. I was pretty suprised. I thought she might say, that its not that bad and it would be wrong to divorce. I told her I would feel like a failure for getting a divorce and she was very reassuring that isn't the case. (Note: She is divorced, but my dad beat her all the time and finally she left after 11 years - the church told her she shouldn't) I mentioned the only way he will probably find a new job is if I do his resume and send it out. She said she wouldn't do that...that he needs to do it himself and if not, then he has made his choice and I shouldn't feel bad to have him leave. Then my brother arrived at lunch and asked where my husband was since he figured he would be at lunch. I told him less. Brother is younger than me and has his own business and really likes my husband...considers him a brother. I just said he was in a bad mood, that the business wasn't going well. Brother said that he had talked to him at XMAS trying to help...suggesting sales calls, networking, inviting him to his business assoc. mtgs etc. I said he hasn't went on one sale call, sent out any direct mail, phone calls or trade shows ever in three years, doesn't call his customers back when they have complaints and has a bad rating with the better business bureau. He said, well he could turn it around, but it would require 80 hr work weeks, tons of sales calls, resolving issues etc. He said it doesn't sound like that will work. I was very calm just matter of fact with my family...not emotional, not saying I hate him etc. Just the busines isn't working and that I told him he needs to go back to work. Brother asked how much the business is making, if I didn't mind saying, which I didn't...I told him $615...he thought that was per week....I said, no that is per year. He agreed time to say goodbye to it. He did say his 1st three businesses didn't succeed, but that he doesn't have a "sugar mamma" so if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. Then went on to say its not fair to me to have live that way. Of course I asked each of them to keep this confidental. I really hadn't planned on saying anything to my family since I embarrassed about the entire thing and also because if we do reconcile I do not want them to hold a grudge, but I think the way I presented it, that will not be the case. Plus my family typically doesn't hold grudges. I didn't tell my brother I was thinking about a divorce though. Not really ready to tell everyone. Hopefully it wasn't a mistake to mention it to my mom. I delivered all the bankruptcy forms and support docs to our atty this week and we will file March 15. I found a new job that pays 10k more as my current employer eliminated by job in Dec and I have been doing data entry work for the past four weeks, so I start that in a week. It will involve some travel. Even with the increase we still qualify for the bankruptcy, thank god, because I can barely pay all the nessecary bills. Thank you all for listening to my vent...I really needed to get that out. I am willing to give it to the end of May. If he doesn't have a job by then, I am done. It makes me cry just typing that out.
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samkaren
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you. I cried a lot of tears and I am ready to start fresh with life. Will post more tomorrow about things.

SamKaren
your resident dj
minnie_tx
13 years ago
Thanks for letting us know..You are a strong person and will get thru this ok HUGS
amyfiddler
13 years ago
Very sad.
Jasdip
13 years ago
Oh wow, Karen. I didn't expect this. I know we've only emailed a few times, but still.....

You've had a rough go, this, and Dusty. Even though it's amicable, it's still tough for both of you.

My thoughts are with you.
Holly_ON
13 years ago
(((((Karen)))))
joann23456
13 years ago
Oh, that's tough. I wish you all the best for your new life ahead.
OklaMoni
13 years ago
Yes, Sam, it is tough to go out on your own after a long marriage... but trust me, it gets easier all the time.

I wish you all the BEST!

Moni
dedtired
13 years ago
Sam, I've been there and done that. You are in the toughest stage right now, but I promise you that things will get better and you will be fine. Hugs to you. I know it isn't easy.
moonie_57 (8 NC)
13 years ago
I'm glad you have family and friends to lean on. The thought of going it alone after so many years must be a teensy bit scary, but I know you'll do fine! Good luck!

Still vaping?
terilyn
13 years ago
Not much else to add, just know I am thinking of you.
User
13 years ago
Divorce is always stressful and tough... I am sorry you are having to go through this... but you are a strong lady.. and when God closes one door, He always has a better one waiting..

Carolyn
kim_okla
13 years ago
I'm sorry Sam. I know even when it's best and what you need, it still hurts.
Pieonear
13 years ago
Sorry to hear this. Be strong and you will be fine.
wanda_va
13 years ago
I'm sorry to hear this. It's a shame to end a marriage that has lasted that long, but I think you did the right thing. Know that I am here anytime you want to "talk", and you will be in my special thoughts and prayers for the difficult days ahead. Hugs!
YogaLady1948
13 years ago
Sorry to hear this~~~in December I heard a motivational speaker at a womens retreat say~~your heart breaking is letting all the bad stuff out, to make room for the new good stuff. It will get better everyday, being on your own for the first time will be a great adventure, just breath~relax and let it happen.

Namaste
nanny98
13 years ago
((((((((((SamKaren)))))).......and special thoughts to help lift you up!
maire_cate
13 years ago
It's never easy to end a marriage but it's good to know that you have friends and family to help you. You've already taken the first step - good for you - now just focus on the future. You'll be in my thoughts.
carol_in_california
13 years ago
DD left her SO of 20 years about 6 months ago.....I have never seen her happier.
Keeping you in my special thoughts.
pammyfay
13 years ago
Deep breaths. Take inspiration from some of the fine folks on this board who have shared with us snippets of such strength in tough circumstances.
Kathsgrdn
13 years ago
((((SamKaren))))
juellie1962
13 years ago
Have no experience with divorce, but wishing you peace and contentment!
juellie1962
13 years ago
Have no experience with divorce, but wishing you peace and contentment!
Hellion
13 years ago
So sorry to hear this. Great that it is a peaceful separation.
katlan
13 years ago
I'm very sorry. I wish you all the best. And you definitely have complete support here.

Please remember to take care of yourself, plenty of sleep, food and drink. Play fun uplifting music to sing and dance to. Watch funny shows. Keep friends and family close.

I didn't go through it, but family members have. It's like a death, we treated it that way, with all the stages.

Best of luck!
alisande
13 years ago
Divorce can't be easy, but you seem to have a good grasp on what is best. Glad you have family and friends to help.
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
13 years ago
I am so sorry that you're going through this. My experience was that once I got over that 'shock ' period, I entered one of the best times of my life. I loved my singlehood and I hope you experience that, as well.

Being on your own does not have to be lonely, remember that.

By the way, after more than ten years of being happily on my own, I met and married the true love of my life. I wasn't looking for it, that's for sure.

Life happens! I hope that your recovery will be strong and sure.
rob333 (zone 7b)
13 years ago
(((Samkaren))) Wait, I'm worried is his name Sam? Will you change your name? How will we know it's you?
patti43
13 years ago
You may be hurting right now, but I predict you will be just fine. Having never been on your own may sound scary, but you may just find you enjoy it. And, as others have said, you always have us!
cheryl_ok
13 years ago
(((((Samkaren)))))
jannie
13 years ago
I'm shocked and so sorry for you.
ont_gal
13 years ago
(((((hugs)))))
JennaVaNowSC
13 years ago
Sending good thoughts your way. Take care of yourself
yayagal
13 years ago
Keep the faith and make sure to have some fun. Better days are sure to come.
Granlan_TX
13 years ago
I wish you all the best as you go forward. You're a strong woman and will do well.
samkaren
Original Author
13 years ago
Thanks everyone. It is not as stressful as I imagined. went and did my laundry at the laundry mat today for the first time. I have my moments when it is quiet but then I think back to the reasons I left and I am reassured that I made the right choice.

Rob....Sam was my name at the radio station...no I won't be changing my here. I will always be:

SamKaren
your resident DJ
sandiefl
13 years ago
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.My DD went through this and I am so proud of how she has been able to take care of herself and her children.
arkansas girl
13 years ago
That your friends and family are with you is one of the most important things. When I divorced I did not have this and it really made things miserable for me and forever changed my relationship with my family members. You are very lucky to have their support! For me, I have found that divorce after almost 25 years was the most difficult thing that I ever did in my life. I really don't know how people take divorce so easily...it pretty much destroyed both my EX and me. 25 years is a long time.

I wish you better luck than I had!
rob333 (zone 7b)
13 years ago
woohoo! to know you'll get to have something stay the same (the hardest part of a divorce, everything changes). I'm wishing you really good thoughts. Cry on our shoulders and rejoice in overcoming all you like. You're likely to have both issues. I hope more of the latter!
sjerin
13 years ago
I'm so sorry, samkaren. It sounds like you thought this through carefully and you know what's best for yourself. Hang in there and post as often as you feel like!
evatx
13 years ago
I wish you well. My DD's 20 year marriage will be over soon and she's too starting anew.
chisue
13 years ago
Some of the hardest part may be over -- making the decision. Change can be hard, but also *good*!
secsteve
13 years ago
My thoughts are with you. Divorce is never easy, but you have to do what is best for you.

From what I've read when you've posted, you're a very strong, sensible woman. Having support of others around you will also help.

Hugs
rosemaryt
13 years ago
Carol_in_California said, "DD left her SO of 20 years about 6 months ago. I have never seen her happier. Keeping you in my special thoughts."

I second that emotion.

I'm 11 years out of a 24-year-marriage to my childhood sweetheart. It was a tough road, but it had a surprisingly good and happy ending.

I wish the same for you.
kacram
13 years ago
I'm sorry SamKaren. I'm glad you have support there with you. And you say you KNOW that it is the best decision for YOU! Yea! You are so many steps ahead of others. Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better every day
samkaren
Original Author
13 years ago
Thank you everyone for the support. I just spoke with my sister and BIL and it made me feel better. Had a sad moment last night....cried for a bit but it actually made me feel better to get some emotions out. I know it will be a new experience for me as well as my DH but I know we are both going to be ok in the end. Happiness will not elude us.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

Marriage is Over

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