Lost my Mom also

15 years ago

Mom passed on Jan 22nd. She was with Hospice and passed peacefully. She was 98. Dementia had taken her from us for the last several years. She is now with her Mother and Grandmother being laid to rest by them. We traveled to Michigan for the funeral and to say "see you later Mom."

She had a hard, but long life. I am so glad she did not have to suffer long, but had no quality of life for a long time.

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Comments (47)

catlady15
15 years ago
solstice98
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother passed when she was 89 just 2 years ago. It's hard to lose your mother, even when you feel like she's passed on to a better place. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kate
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Catlady - I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are suffering. Everyone handles their grief differently so don't feel any need to apologize if you aren't handling this the way other folks think you should. I'm sorry you had a bad childhood and that you didn't have enough happy time with your Mom before she had to go. 73 is not old - I am 45 but my husband was 19 years older than me. As a result I have made friends of all ages and I've known some 80 year olds that were a heck of a lot more fun and had more going on than some of the 35 year olds! When people tell me he is in a better place now I just smile and say I know he is but I'm not. He kind of liked the place he was in before, you know? Anyway, people mean well and in the awkwardness of the situation they may say things that rub you the wrong way. Let yourself cry and realize your loss; I think that's the only way to move forward and be emotionally healthy. The memory book gives you something to do that feels productive and, if you are like me, it feels like you are doing something for her. It will be a treasure for you to keep. If you absolutely must take meds to deal with this then by all means do it. But remember when you do stop using the meds you still will have to face your loss and deal with your feelings. Do you have a good support system within your family or with friends? If you do please utilize them. I have a close friend who didn't have a good childhood and she grieves for that and she grieves for the fact that she feels she didn't give her kids a good childhood. We do the best we can do at the time. Sometimes it isn't good enough and sometimes other people think it isn't the best we have but they just don't really know. If you can get into counseling you might try that; I think it has helped me at times. I'll remember you in my prayers.
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Hi Theresa: Thank you for your kind and comforting words, and thank you for providing such personal information about you and your mother. Whatever you are feeling, it is ok to feel that. The anger at your mother for not telling family members about her illness is understandable. It sounds like she was scared and in denial, and (as you said) did not want to burden others with such news. We all have issues with our parents; I guess it's because it's a dominant-submissive relationship. Even when we become adults, we are still viewed as children by our folks. What has helped me through my grieving process is to view my mother as a person--another human being going through this life process of being and growing--who made some good and bad choices but did her best under the circumstances, raised/treated me the best she could based on her life experience, and loved me through it all. We were gifts to each other because we needed to learn from each other. I remember when I was caring for my mother, I heard her ask her sister (my aunt)the following: "Do you remember Mom ever hugging you?" Here was my mother, in her 70s, asking her sister if she ever got hugs from their mother. My mother went on to say that she could not remember one time that their mother ever hugged her; she sounded so hurt. That's when it hit me that we are all just people trying to do our best based on how we were raised and loved as children. And no matter how old we get, there may be emotional needs not met that will hurt us and perhaps even haunt us for the rest of our lives. I believe my mother is around me quite a bit which is comforting. I realize that although there is no physical connection anymore, there is still a strong emotional one, a psychic connection if you will, and all I have to do to communicate with her now is to think a thought. The fact that you were with your mother, lay with her, and held her until she passed away is a true testament of love. Most people would not be able to bear that emotional pain. Bless you, Theresa! You are a terrific daughter. I shall keep checking this forum. You just keep posting your thoughts and feelings here so we can fully support you. You mentioned faith; I too am a big believer in faith getting me through rough times. The worse things got for me, the stronger my faith become. In addition to losing my mother and husband within a 10-month period, I also lost my therapist and mother-in-law to cancer during the next 14 months. So I lost three relatives and my grief therapist in a two-year period. At one point I felt like "Typhoid Mary." In fact, I refused to make any new friends for awhile thinking they might drop dead or become ill. That time period was hell for me and I too was a mess. You can and will make it through this hellish grieving process, Theresa. Be real, be honest with people about it, communicate with those who can and want to help you. One thing I wanted to ask is how are your children? How are they handling their grief? Have they talked to you about it? Take care, Theresa....you are special, you are loved, you are a valuable child of God. Mary R-K
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I am sorry for everyone's losses. I lost my precious mother 4 weeks ago tomorrow. She was 85 and had been through surgery which she did amazingly well in, but something happened an hour or so out of recovery and she was gone. We were told nothing other than "she went to sleep, peacefully, and felt no pain." As comforting as it is to know she didn't suffer, I don't know how time can heal as it seems this pain will never go away. I am trying to do things that honor my mom, like crocheting - a hobby of hers that she taught me when I was only 8 years old. She kept so many babies warmed by her beautiful blankets; I want to follow her legacy and help others stay warm, too. As difficult as losing her is for her 6 children, our father is experiencing a pain that none of us yet know. Momma was the love of his life for 70 years, married for 65. Poor Daddy also lost the last of his 13 siblings in April 2010 when his last brother, to whom he was so close, passed away suddenly. If anyone reading this can offer suggestions on how to help him I would be most appreciative. As it is now, we are trying to make sure he is not alone for very long at all. We have a sister who has lived with my parents for the last few years so he doesn't live alone but she works during the evenings and we don't want him having dinner alone. We are also trying to encourage him to go out with us and do things that he might enjoy.
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Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18. I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her. I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true. Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened. Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.
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caflowerluver
15 years ago
So sorry for your loss. It is hard when they lose the quality of life towards the end. I am starting to face that now with my Mom who is almost 91.
Clare
kiwidj
15 years ago
My deepest condolences to you and your family.

Take care of yourself.
nodakgal
15 years ago
I'm sorry. Hugs to you and yours.
grinch_gut
15 years ago
I am sorry for you loss.....Stacy
trinitytx
15 years ago
I am so sorry hellion for your sadness. I hope your mom is now in a peaceful place.

Trin
minnie_tx
15 years ago
So sorry to hear that
grammahony
15 years ago

My sympathies to you Hellion.
Leslie
socks
15 years ago
Deepest condolences. Mine has been gone 6 years now. We will always miss our moms. Take care.
vicki_lv_nv
15 years ago
Toni S
15 years ago
My sympathy to you Hellion.
deemarie5500
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Dee
Cherryfizz
15 years ago
Hellion, you have my sympathy. Never easy losing your Mom.
Hugs,

Anne
heather_on
15 years ago
Losing your mother no matter what age is really hard. Sending you special thoughts.
chattypatty49
15 years ago
Hellion, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 months ago. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Patty
FlamingO in AR
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss, Hellion. Losing a mom can't be easy, no matter what the circumstances.

My condolences, sweetie.
Nita__AZ
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.

((((Hellion))))
pattico_gw
15 years ago
So sorry to hear this....

I know it's hard even when expected.

Hugs for you and all your family.

patti
Pieonear
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
loagiehoagie
15 years ago
I lost my mom 3 years ago yesterday at 68 years of age. I sure wish she would have lived to 98. It never is easy to lose a parent, but I sure wish I had my mom 30 years past the time I did.

Duane
lydia1959
15 years ago
So sorry (((Hellion))). Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

(((Patty))) (((Duane)))
bunny_lover
15 years ago
Prayers for your family.
LorifromUtah
15 years ago
My thoughts are with you and your family.

Lori
Linda Wayman
15 years ago
My deepest condolences to you and your family. Hugs to all of you.
Linda
okwriter
15 years ago
I will pray for comfort for you and your family in the coming days.
phyllis__mn
15 years ago
Know that she is in peace now. Comforting thoughts to you and the family.

Phyllis
wanda_va
15 years ago
Extending heartfelt condolences to you. It is so hard, even after watching them suffer through dementia. Mothers are special. You and your family are in my prayers. Hugs.
sandy_in_ia
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss....losing a mother is never easy..no matter what the age. I lost mine 35 years ago at the age of 46, there are so many things I never got to experience with her.

I pray the memories will help you smile through the next few days/weeks/months/years!
evatx
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Zipper_TX
15 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear this, hugs and prayers sent your way.

((((Hellion & family))))
coral_ok
15 years ago
I'm so sorry, Hellion, that you had to lose your mother twice. Our family went through the same thing. Because of dementia, my mother left us a few years before she died. Even when you know there's no quality of life and that she wouldn't want to live like that, it's still very hard, isn't it? You may find, as I have, that somehow her death frees you to remember more vividly the person she used to be. I miss my mother every day. (((((((((Hellion))))))))))
Mickey15
15 years ago
I'm so sorry.
(((((Hellion)))))
petaloid
15 years ago
I am very sorry to hear this, and my thoughts are with you.
missindia2020
15 years ago
My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
donna37
15 years ago
So sorry for your loss special thoughts for you and your family at this time.
donna_oh
15 years ago
You have my sympathy Hellion-

Donna (^_^)
grittymitts
15 years ago
Losing your Mother is one of life's most difficult things to endure. May memories of your happiest days with her sustain you now.
Suzi
katclaws_mo
15 years ago
My deepest sympathies to you & your family. Dementia/alzheimers is such a very sad disease. I guess that's why they call it the longest goodbye. I pray that your happy memories will bring peace & comfort at such a difficult time.
Hellion
Original Author
15 years ago
Thank you all for your kind words.
lattefairy
15 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace. *hugs*
Granlan_TX
15 years ago
So sad about your dear mother. :(

(((((Hellion and Family)))))
lindaohnowga
15 years ago
tami_ohio
15 years ago
I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.

Tami
koda04
15 years ago
My deepest sympathies to you and your family
I pray that God will comfort you all
kacram
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss..

((((hellion))))
jennmonkey
15 years ago
I'm sorry for your loss, Hellion. (((hellion and family)))

Lost my Mom also

Comments (47)

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