What would you do, if your mom was still alive? Send a card? Flowers?

Do the same. Tell dad, you are thinking of him, and wishing him the BEST. He will appreciate the fact, that you haven't forgotten, and you will give him the opportunity to talk about it if he wishes.

My opinion.

You are a very nice daughter to think of this. I am sorry you are missing your mom.

Moni

I've always tried to call my mom on that particular day, though to tell you the truth, she's forgotten the date a couple of times lately! It's been 30 years since my dad died so the blow is certainly softened, but I do try to remember to call. Yes, please do give your siblings a heads-up as I'm sure that will make your dad happy to receive calls from all of you. You don't have to make a big deal about it but try to recognize whether he feels like talking more about your mom or not. Everyone deals with grief differently, but I strongly think that we as a society are big chickens about doing what's right, because it's uncomfortable. You're a good daughter to think of this.

Hopefully your siblings will remember but just in case I'd give them a call. My Dad lived with me for 4 years after my Mom died and every year on her birthday and the day she died he would gently ask 'do you know what day this is?' And I'd give him a hug and we'd talk about Mom. My 2 brothers who live out of state never called on those days. I wish now that I had thought to tell them.

I think my Dad asked that question partly because I think he was also a little worried that when he was gone no one would remember him. He was also concerned that no one would visit his grave. I tried to reassure him. I know he was grateful that I remembered Mom.

I think it would be comforting to him to know their special day isn't forgotten. Just a few words about the wonderful years they spent together, I think would bring him peace. Dottie

Send him a "thinking of you" card. Regardless of whether he's still deeply grieving,it will be nice to hear from you. My parents were married 54 years, Dad died in 1998. On the tenth anniversary of his death, I sent my Mom a card. My brother took her out to dinner, of course not a celebration, just so she wouldn't be alone and have to cook. She appreciated our kind thoughtsa. Our two siblings ignored the day.

I talked to a woman 2 years ago, whose husband died about 2 years before that. I asked her how it was best to talk to a co-worker about the death of her husband (he died a week before Valentines). I wanted to make sure that when I talked to the other lady, I didn't say the wrong thing. She told me the worst thing you can say is, "I know today must be hard......." Why? She said it doesn't matter what day of the year it is, EVERY DAY was hard for her. Just because it's Christmas, a birthday, anniversary, etc., didn't make missing them harder.

I would just be there for him, and let him know you have a great shoulder to lean on, and a great ear for listening. you're there for him. Don't ignore the day, just don't tell him "I know today must be really hard for you."

My sister and I usually take Mom out to lunch on that day. February 13th it would have been 66 years.
Leslie

I either see or call my Mom every year on her & my Dad's anniversary & tell her that I love her & that I miss Dad. He has been gone 26 years & it still hurts for me - I can just imagine the pain my Mom still feels. I saw the posting above & just counted how many years my parents would have been married - 60 this year. WOW - and they WOULD still be married. Definitely a day to take her out, or have her here for a nice talk, a walk in my flower gardens & a glass of wine.

You should probably let your sibs know that it would be nice to call Dad on that day - especially the first year. After that all bets are off.

We know you miss your Mom - & just typing this I shed some tears for my Dad.

We were invited to a 50th wedding anniversary party a few months ago. The wife had been dead for 10 years. It was a gathering of family and friends. Lots of food, drink and memories.

What I do is call my dad on the anniversary of my step mother's death. I just chat a little with him, and before long he brings it up. Then I let him lead the conversation. He seems comfortable with it this way.

I always used to go and see my dad on my mom's birthday and their anniversary. Sometimes he would mention the day and sometimes he wouldn't but he knew why I was there. I think he appreciated that I remembered as well.

If you are close by, invite him over or take him out to eat. I think it would be hard to be alone.

After my Dad passed, Mom and I always talk about him on their anniversary and his birthday. We share stories and enjoy our memories. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Your Dad will probably appreciate that you're thinking of her.

Laurel

I feel quite differently from the woman who talked to Debby, and I would never categorize "I know today must be hard . . . " as the worst thing to say. I guess this just proves that different people handle grief in different ways.

I like Mcmann's response.

My mom died in October, and my folks' 52nd anniversary would have been last week.

I was torn because if my dad DID remember, I didn't want him to think I had forgotten. But if he DIDN'T remember, I hated to upset him.

I called him and -- after a little of our usual daily chit chat -- mentioned it. He had forgotten, which isn't unusual. One of us girls have always reminded him a few days early so he could buy a card. Anyway, we both shared a good cry. He and I are good "boo hoo" partners and routinely cry together. We felt better afterward.

Just my experience. Sorry you are faced with it. Nothing could have prepared me for losing Mom...

My parents' 62nd anniversary would have been last week, but they both died in 1970. I cannot honestly say that I think of them every day, but I do think of them very often; and I always, always remember their birthdays and their anniversary. On those days I have my own special "conversation" with them...

My hubs' parents both passed away before we'd ever met, and on their bithdays I always try to mention to hubs that I know what day it is. I have to confess, though, that I'm better about remembering his mother's birthday than his father's; and right now I couldn't tell you when their anniversary is. But, I know my hubs appreciates it when I let him know that I know it's his mom's birthday.

Take your Dad out to dinner or invite him to dinner at your home. Let him guide the covnersation. Maybe a movie and dinner would be a way to spend some quality time with him. It will give him a break in his loneliness.

Don't be surprised if he responds differently than expected and does not seem his old self. Different people respond differently to grief. Some hide it deeply, but it is there nonetheless. The grieving period for the loss of a mate may be at least one year.

We were invited to a 50th wedding anniversary party a few months ago. The wife had been dead for 10 years

I'm sorry but does anyone else find this a bit creepy? What if the man found someone else he loves? At some time there needs to be closure. Maybe he would like closure but he isn't allowed it by family? friends? throwing this annual party. No way could I attend such a thing.

I think Jemdandy gave the best advice. Go and visit and spend time with him as always. I would not do anniversary cards or gifts. I would just be prepared to listen and share if he so chooses.

Good morning to all. I will put my 2cents worth into the ring. My husband died almost 8 years ago and our wedding anniversary (will be 40 in June) is still one of the most special days to me. It is sad of course but it was and always will be one of the happiest days of my life. I will still remember everything about that day and even though I'll cry because I miss him I will always know how lucky I was to have had him for 32 years. I want my children to remember his birthday and think of him each holiday and talk about wonderful memories of him. Please don't hesitate to let your Dad know that although every day is hard these "special" days are always bittersweet. Never be afraid to talk about your mom-it will be a comfort to him. Satine

Wildchild, I wasn't suggesting Maura do this, I was only relating how someone I know handled it.

It wasn't creepy at all. It wasn't morbid, no grieving or crying. Just a celebration. It was a family and close friends gathering and it IS NOT held annually. It was their 50th.

Maybe I'd better contact you before I post next time to see if its ok with you. Sheesh!

I lost my DH suddenly to cancer in August. Was posting here a lot more frequently then and got the greatest support and outpouring of love imaginable. So, with that brief history, I would just say be there for him. As someone said before, let him lead the conversation. That is what most folks do with me, and it is very freeing. If I want to talk about it, I do. If not, it is a "normal" conversation. ASK HIM what he would like to do. He may want to visit the cemetery, or avoid it. He may want to eat out, or just stay in. Let him know you are open and available for whatever suits him. That will be the greatest gift you could ever give him. Bless you, and may you and your family have peace in this loss.

anette

I can tell you it means so much to me when my DS or anyone remembers with a phone call just to say they are thinking of me. This is in regard to the two daughters I've lost.

Hey Mammie, I didn't slam YOU. Your post made it sound like they were doing it annually. Thanks for clearing that up. (I guess). No thanks for the snark.

I still think it's weird to celebrate an anniversary with a party when one partner is dead. A memorial service would be more appropriate. You are widowed when someone passes. You are no longer married.

And WE thought it was unusual, but we attended anyway out of respect for the family. As I said before, I just posted what I had experienced. Wish I hadn't bothered now.

I think that maybe the "We were invited to a 50th wedding anniversary party a few months ago. The wife had been dead for 10 years" was more on the order of a family/friends reunion and would have been a very good occasion. My parents are both gone and I've never been widowed, but my husband was a widower when I met him. If his family wanted to have a gathering like this, it wouldn't really bother me.

Jumping in here to graciously thank everyone (before this thread goes in an entirely different direction).

I really appreciated that you took the time to share your opinions, suggestions, and insights with me.... and for all you've given me to consider.

I will suggest ways he and I might spend the day together, and then follow his lead. I think that's how my Mom would want it too.

Thanks again for your words of comfort and wisdom.

Maura

Hi Maura,

You said that there's a good probability that you'll see him on that day. That's better than a card, I think - and likely you'll know whether he'd appeciate a card, as well.

I'd thought of suggesting that you more or less let him take the lead, and you indicated that you feel that to be the better way to go.

Maybe ask, or hint, beforehand as to how he might like to mark the day.

I'd say give him a big hug (and there's no reason to refrain from that on any other day) ... and maybe have a good cry together.

Many men find that difficult ... but some tears usually release a good deal of tension.

Be sensitive to his desires and needs.

Good wishes to you both at this stressful time.

ole joyful

It just shows that each is different and really you need to play it by ear. My first reaction was NO, NO, NO!! But that was from my Dad's experience. I was very afraid that he was going to commit suicide after my mother's death. He literally counted the days, sometimes hours, the weeks, etc. I was the only kid who went over there, and I tried to get there regularly. Not to remind him but be there if he wanted to talk and to redirect the conversation when he didn't want to obsess on her death. When you're alone it's hard to redirect your thinking and often it's good to do that. He finally started to get out and see people again and that helped. He got a REASON to live. I seriously believe the cats are the ones who truly saved his life. It gave him a need to get up, companionship, someone to talk to and even change the subject occasionally. I tried to be there as much as I could but there's still a lot of hours that I couldn't be there.

On the controversy I'll just say at first I though it a bit tacky, thought I could see myself doing it! But after reading a couple others and thinking a second I thought "why not"? Let's face it, the trend now is away from a memorial service anyway, leaning toward a celebration of their life and I like that a lot better anyway. I'd much rather be with people laughing over the good times with a friend/loved one rather than crying in pain. There's even a few out there sadly that cry, but cry only in selfishness. You can surely have tears and good times, remember the bad times if you want. But again since people are so different I can't really give good recommendations on something like this except be available and take the lead from them on whether they want to talk about it or not. It broke my heart to hear my dad go it's been 14 weeks and 12 hours now...

One other thought, good conversation topics when he wants to talk about her would be the 50th anniversary party, special trips, ask how they met, funniest things happened, or the like, of course depending on the person. Often it's more to not be alone than to obsess over the day. A trip to the grave can be a good thing. Whether it's on a special day or just an "anyday" again depends on what's important to the person.

Hope he has a long and happy life ahead of him. After all, he's not alone.