She's afraid.
Bring in a few small, familiar pieces from her home, like a lamp, radio, TV, as you can to the nursing home - but NO valuables, nothing that won't be missed if/when stolen....

When you find a good assisted living facility, she can furnish her own studio apartment. That's what we did with my mother.

Talk with the facility's social worker. Explain the situation. I know SW's are the heart of any hospital, nursing home or AL facility. You are so right to be worried about your mom. Good luck. I know I have had nothing but positive experiences with SW's. They are trained to be liaison/ombudsmen between the p[atient, family and institution.

I don't have any advice but wanted to give you (((HUGS)))
from Texas.

Trin

I want to give you hugs too.

Same thing happened to my Aunt after they discovered her cancer had spread years after her diagnosis of breast cancer. She wouldn't have treatments, she refused to eat or drink, she got nasty and mean, and she was the last surviving sibling. My Aunt was such a pleasant, living for the now type of woman. She turned into Jekyl and Hyde. She was tired of being in pain, she didn't want to be a burden, she was afraid.

Awful for all of us to witness.

Hugs.

Anne

Hello Clare. My 88 y/o mother fell and broke her shoulder and was in the hospital for surgery and then a nursing home for over 2 months. In the beginning she acted the way your mother is acting now. She also acted like she had dementia, hallucinating sometimes, thinking that the FBI ws in her room :) and many other strange actions. Slowly, very slowly, she 'came out of it' - her personality and actions were really altered from the painkillers, she was a different person. It was an awful time but she did come back to her old self. I would say it was about six months. I know this might not sound very encouraging, but she did improve and now she is herself again - she is paying her bills, balancing her checkbook and reading novels again. I wish your mother the very best and also for you and your sister. I cried every time I left my mother's bedside and then after she was home, I still cried for a long time. I understand what you're going through and sometimes crying is just the only thing to do.

I think Monica may be right. Be sure to send her pictures too, and call her often. Make sure she knows you are thinking about her and that you love her. If she (and you) are religious, let her know that you are praying for her. And if she is religious, ask her pastor or priest to visit her, and be sure someone lets her church family know that she is in the home. They may do a prayer circle for her, and might send her cards or visit. Those things can mean a lot. And just love her, and make sure she knows how much you love her, while you still have her. Mine has been gone 2 1/2 years now, and although it was a good thing (she had been in really bad shape and bedfast for 4 years when she left us), I still miss her.

Oh yes, pictures.
After she left her home, we made sure she had a shoebox of assorted old family pictures.
She used to sit there and go through them...I think she felt like she was still "her" when she went through them.

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. The picture idea is a good one. I will pass that on to my sister.

I was just feeling overwhelmed before and having a bad time of it. I am praying that she makes it through this ok. I know someday I will lose her but I don't know if you are ever really prepared for the actuality.
Clare

((((Clare))))

My 86 year old mom was in a nursing home/assisted care facility after she broke her hip and we were allowed to have a telephone installed in her room. They had phone jacks and all we had to do was call the phone company and have them come out and configure it. Having a phone was the best thing for my mom - she didn't feel so alone, had access to her family and friends, and we could communicate with her as well.

I do not know what advice to give you but my heart goes out to you.
I will add you and your family on my prayers list for some fast resolutions.
Deb
((((Clare))))

Oh Clare, I really feel for you.

We're going thru some serious health issues with my 87 yr old Dad at the moment. He's in surgery as we speak and I'm just so afraid I feel physically ill myself.

Take care of yourself (((big hugs)))

Clare, I am sorry that you must cope with yet another real problem. You are so fortunate to have your sister and know that she is conscientious. Keep the communication lines open with her, as I'm sure you do!

We went through something similar with my MIL. In her mid-eighties she fell and fractured her knee. DH (only child) flew out to take control of the situation. Cheerful and always sweet MIL turned into a dragon-lady. Cried, refused to cooperate, hated the short-term care place, wanted to go home, which was impossible, said she would die. She refused to help DH make decisions about sorting through her entire household, refused to discuss a long-term care residence, didn't want visitors, just wanted him to watch sitcoms with her, otherwise, she'd cry and complain all the time. She glared the entire day of the move to the partial-assistance apartment, immediately complained about the people she saw there, sat and scowled through her first meals in the dining room. DH was with her the entire time. Finally, after five weeks, he had to come home. She cried some more. He was exhausted and felt like a skunk, even though he'd actually been heroic.

A month passed, and suddenly, cheerful, sweet MIL began to emerge, and then take over. She only had a few years there before she died, but they were her happiest time in many years. She socialized like mad - with a cane and being deaf - and enjoyed the freedom from cooking and housekeeping.

Apologies that this is so long, but it's a rather common story. What these very elderly people need most is someone loving to help them make the transition and tolerate their horrible behavior. Then, with luck and prayers, they adjust.

I think the most important thing is that you and your sister can talk to each other and that she can lean on you. And that you can talk to your mom, even if she's not exactly noble at the moment!

I'm praying for things to turn around for you, and for your days to be bright again!

Greetings, Clare,

I hope that your Mom can come back to being her regular self again ... and soon.

As we get older, we get used to usual routines and changes are troubling ... when we fear losing a major part of our independence, hugely so.

How hard it is for us to realize, and accept, following a traumatic event, that some of the things that we did before are not possible now, and we have two choices: we can Rebel like Hell ... or we can know within the fibre of our being that the earlier life that we knew and loved is gone and that the only life available to us now is this new one ... so the wisest thing to do is to get on with it, doing, " ... the Best We Can, Under the Circumstances".

'Cause, rebel all we want ... it isn't going to bring back the past. That's dead - our new life begins - now.

It takes much courage, trust in self and faith for a Senior to bring that off ... and it helps a whole bunch if there are loved ones around to help ease the transition.

(((((Mom ... sister ... Clare))))).

ole joyful

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am just hoping that she can make it through this ordeal. It is tough going for anyone, but even more so for someone who is 90.
Clare

She may be having pain or reaction to meds and I'm sure she is very afraid. Older people do not handle change well especially when it comes to nursing homes. Lets face it....none of us would really want to be there even for a short period. Sending her cards and letters will help her to know that you recognize her concerns and are there with her in spirit. Hopefully soon she will find some friends to help her adjust. Losing her independence will be very scary for her.

Hugs and prayers for all of you.

(((Clare))) Prayers for you & your Mom!

Donna (^_^)

Thanks everyone. I finally got through to her in the hospital and she is in much better spirits then she was when they brought her in. She is pretty much back to her normal self. She doesn't like the idea of a nursing home and is hoping it is only temporary while her leg heals. I guess we will have to play it by ear and see what happens.

She needs around the clock care because she has a cast that goes from her ankle to her hip. They have totally immobilized the leg. She needs help with bed pan, getting dressed and bathing. The rest of the time she must stay in bed. She was pretty self sufficient in her own place before and only needed a little help so this is hard to take.

I hope she continues to improve and adjusts to her new place OK. Maybe even make some friends there so it is more bearable.
Clare

As long as she doesn't need medical care, just medications and physical care....assisted living is much, much preferable to a nursing home. Assisted living facilities provide various levels of personal service ... from none to total personal care.
In a nursing home, she would be treated like a sick person(and they might even have the nursing home doctor sedate her)...in an assisted living facility, she would be treated like a paying guest.

So happy to learn from your post that your Mom is improving!

My Mom is also 90. I can understand fully how you feel and what you are going through.

Things will get better each day!

((((( Clare )))))

~Carol~

Thank you for the good news. Already an improvement, that's such a good sign. I know it won't be easy, but its a little bit better already.

Hi Clare,

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I'm glad she's doing better. I'd be scared myself. New surroundings. No one familiar.

Hugs to you, your mother and your sister.

(((Hugs))) Have also been there with my mother who past away in 1984. Fell in the house broke hip had pins put in.
But was never tne same after. Can relate to what others said.

clare just don't know what to say...i made the mistake once of not insisting dh take off and visit his mother...(he listened to his dad, big mistake) when he finally "got the call" he has just minutes with her before she passed.

i've always regretted it...

I'm sorry to hear of your mom's troubles, Clare. And I'm really sorry for you-- when it rains, it pours!! Thank goodness she has settled down a bit and hopefully the thought of "getting out" will keep her doing what she's supposed, or not supposed to do. My mom spent a week in a rehab place this past fall after minor back surgery and surprised us all by almost enjoying it. She lives alone and is fairly self-sufficient so having to be there was not palatable to her. But she made friends fairly quickly and was in quite a good mood when I spoke to her (I live 600 mi away.) Of course, she was ambulatory, but your mom will get to that point soon enough. If I can sound bossy, ask your sister to keep good tabs on what the staff is doing and not doing and make sure that your mom is actually eating. A lot of the times the food isn't too good and patients' conditions can deteriorate if they aren't eating much. And have your sister double-check meds given too. Sorry 'bout that! Are you feeling better today? I wished I lived closer to you so we could meet for coffee. You've had a full plate and need some support!
Erin

How long has it been since you've seen your mom?

I don't say this to make you feel bad because Lord knows you have enough to deal with already...but having just lost my mom in October, I'd be on that plane in a heartbeat.