Your post really strikes a chord with me, and probably will with many others as well. Perhaps it's a normal part of aging (and going through the menopausal process that seems to bring about a whole new kind of introspection) that causes one in midlife to reflect on these inevitable outcomes more intently than ever before. I'm so very sorry that your mom's DH isn't in good health, and I hope that the time they have left together will be happy and memorable for both of them. It's really difficult to think of what will become of people who are "left behind" when the one who passes on first was pretty much all they had. How nice, though, that you've reached the place where you know how your mom ticks, and are obviously able to let any negativity go, and just accept her and be her friend.

My own parents are 70 years old and still healthy, vital, extremely active. However, I spent this past Sunday with my grandparents at the nursing home where they've resided since earlier this summer, and my heart is breaking for them. It's been less than a month since we last drove down to see them, but in that very short span of time they have deteriorated significantly. Grannie thought I was her other granddaughter during much of our visit. Grandaddy was basically incoherent and had extreme difficulty following or contributing to our conversations. I know they're old. I know their time on this earth has just about reached an end. But to see them as they are now, when it seems like only yesterday they were so vibrant - so alive - even though elderly ... I just want to curl up into a little ball and weep when I think of it.

My dad is taking it especially hard. Not only is he now bearing the responsibility for being their legal guardian and caretaker in regards to day-to-day business and future planning, but the sheer emotional aspect of facing their loss - and most of all, seeing them fade away before his very eyes - is just tearing him apart. My ordinarily upbeat, strong 70-year old father cries often these days.

During our last visit to the nursing home, the woman across the hall from my grandparents was having a terrible episode. She began by repeatedly calling out for "Sid", whom we quickly determined was her dead husband. My mom, who was also visiting when we were, went to talk to the woman and try to soothe her, but in a short time the woman was crying out, "Mama! Mama! Oh, where are you, Mama? I'm so scared!" My mom then went to get a nurse, who in turn wheeled the poor old woman out to sit in front of the nurses' station, which seemed to calm her somewhat. (However, when DH and I were walking out, the woman spied him and her eyes lit up and she cried out, "Oh Daddy! Is it you?") DH and I were silent during the long drive home, and almost as soon as we walked into our house, all I could manage to do was put on my pajamas and go to bed. It was all just emotionally draining. I still feel like I'm reeling from seeing what has become of my grandparents - two people that I have loved more than anyone else on earth -- and also witnessing the other helpless and possibly forgotten old people also living in the home. I can't imagine what it would be like to end up there. But I could. Any of us could, I suppose. Of course, it makes me think that all too soon, my own parents are going to be in their 90s. I will be the "child" in her 70s whose time has come to take on that role of caretaker in one form or another. How will I do it? How can I possibly cope with that? It's difficult to even consider.

I don't know what the answer is -- I guess becoming the caretaker and facing the loss of loved ones is just something that most of us have to go through at some point in our lives, and we muddle through it as best we can. I can see the toll it's taking on my own dad. It's not only physically exhaustive work in having to ensure that all sorts of paperwork is in order (and you wouldn't believe how much can be generated), but it's the emotional upheaval of having those parent-child roles suddenly reversed that is beyond difficult to face.

Perhaps you can encourage your mom to begin expanding her social circle now. Not knowing her personally, I wouldn't know exactly how she would do this, but I know that it's never too late to make friends.

(((((Hugs)))))

My FIL is in the hospital recovering from 2 strokes. MIL is already disabled and can't care for herself, much less FIL in his weakened state. We don't know what we are going to do. DH has been at the hospital every night for the last week and a half and is now on a business trip. He and his sister are holding a family meeting on Saturday to try to determine the best course of action.

I am 38, DH is 39. SIL is 34. We have two children 5 and 10. SIL has two children 3 and 5. MIL is 59. FIL is 62.

I didn't think we would need to make these kinds of decisions so soon. I feel like we are in a very bad dream and can't wake up.

I have been through all of this before and I don't envy those of you who have this in front of you.

My mom was 37 when I was born. My father was 43. My mom died in 2000 at the age of 81. My father died suddenly when I was 26. My Uncle, who helped raise me, was left for me to care for him with Alzheimer's. I kept him home with me until my mom's cancer progressed to the point where she needed care.

Placing Uncle in a nursing home is something that I still feel horrible about. My kids were young and my mom was really sick. She died before he did. I would cry myself to sleep at nights thinking of him in that awful place but there was nothing else I could do. He stopped sleeping at night (sun downers) and he was so bad by the time mom died I couldn't bring him back.

Everything I do in my home is with my own old age in mind. We have a large house and when we first bought it, the laundry was in the finished basement and all bedrooms on the top floor. I now have everything I need on one floor (verses 3). Now my laundry and one bedroom are on the ground floor.

I hope to have a caretaker family move in to my upstairs and I'll move to the bedroom on the main floor. My bathroom downstairs is wheel chair accessible, even. Of course, the best made plans can go south but since caring for my elders, I have a new prospective about what is needed in order to stay home/independent longer and unlike my elders, I am at least thinking about a plan.

((hugs)) to all of you who will be facing these painful issues. It is not easy.

I totally understand. It is difficult. My dad passed at 62 - he took care of everything for my mom. She was hopeless. It is like I became the Mom to her. The hardest thing for me was to let her find her own way. I was enabling her alot in the beginning by doing everything for her. She kept going down - I pulled back and she sought out her friends & a therapist. It has taken 3 years but she has her zest back!! Now, I ask her to do things for me to make her feel needed and useful. She is so happy to pick up my son from school or run an errand for me. She had to find it in herself to get better & be happy knowing that I supported her along the way.

I hope everything goes well for your mom and her husband.

Smiles:)

Talked to Mom this evening, they're home from the hospital, but L is not feeling so hot. I know Mom is exhausted. I hope that this was a wake up call for them to start taking better care of themselves, and to face reality and make sure they get their affairs in order. A second marriage for both...combined assets, heirlooms, etc. Could be a nightmare.

Thanks everyone for your words. I hope all of us get the support we need for dealing with our aging parents (and grandparents). I think I'm going to email my siblings and arrange for a loooong talk.

Pesky,

Thinking of you! A friend and I were just talking about this period in our lives: menopause, teenagers, and aging parents. It is certainly not easy, but please know that you are not alone.

Sorry if I hijacked your thread. I read your last line about being the "responsible kid" and felt like I found someone who understood. There are 1000 things we could discuss along these lines. My exhausted DH came home Tuesday night and quietly told me that if worst came to worst we might have to sell our house and buy one to accommodate his parents. I knew this might happen one day, but didn't expect to still have my own, very young children at home. To be honest, I'm completely overwhelmed right now and can't even think straight (or be very courteous, sorry again!)

One of the hardest things to me about aging parents (even though I don't feel mine are old yet) is that fact that we no longer feel like they know everything or know best. KWIM? When you are young, your parents are your guidance. Even when you are a young adult, you turn to your parents for advice. But what do you do when you feel like they aren't making good choices? In our case, we have watched the in-laws squander all their money over the years. They have pensions but no savings. (And they have had PLENTY of opportunities to save.) What is going to happen if their living expenses and medical bills exceed their pensions? Frankly, I feel they have been very selfish in their decisions. Golddust, I applaud you for planning ahead. We've adopted the approach of what doesn't affect us is none of our business. Now I wonder if we should have spoken up sooner b/c eventually their decisions will affect us. Or maybe that would have just caused hurt feelings?

"There are 1000 things we could discuss along these lines."

and so could I, but I'm just not up to it.

Wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and I hope that everything turns out well for both you and your mother. :)

You are in my thoughts as well. Please let us know how the discussions with your siblings go.

I have one of these issues with an elderly relative. The lack of planning, the bad decisions - they make you want to scream.

Oh my gosh! I didn't realize others felt like I did! It's not just my mom, it's my MIL & her husband, too. We just lost FIL, and frankly, it's probably better that we did when we did then have to deal with him aging no so well (read assisted living).

I haven't had a chance to talk to my sibs yet...I've been out of town on business. The problem with them is that neither of them are willing or able to take on Mom should the need arise. They intensely dislike L, and are angry with Mom for what they percieve as her selfishness (she won't loan them money and doesn't go to their homes any more...long story, mostly having to do with Mom's difficult personality)

I wish there was a book we could use as a guide! Kind of like being a parent, but in reverse...but in this case, our parents didn't have the same issues to deal with that we do today, so we're kind of writing history, aren't we?