MEMA, I really feel for you. For a while we thought my oldest had Asperger's but he never received that "diagnosis" - it turns out he has sensory integration disorder. He's getting OT for it. Here is what I've found. He just finished 1st grade. When he was in kindergarten, his teacher kept telling me he had adhd - but I knew she was wrong. I think teachers tend to call all kids adhd who aren't 100% average! Anyway, once found out just what he has, I talked to the school district (we live in a very large city school district). They couldn't offer him any help because his grades were at least average and his behavior didn't distrupt class. We've been taking him to a hospital Occupational Therapist once a week for therapy and doing daily therapy at home and it's made THE WORLD of difference. In only 7 months, his reading level has jumped from kindergarden level to 3rd grade level & he's only 7. We took him to private speech therapy, too, but once he started OT we could only afford one, so we insisted the school provide speech therapy, which they agreed to do. He also qualified for one-to-one reading tutoring at school for the first 1/2 of first grade because he started with such a low reading level. It didn't help much until he started OT. Now, here are my conclusions. DON'T EXPECT MUCH FROM THE SCHOOL. The schools are set up to deal with the 90% of kids without any special needs. If you know what you child needs, be prepared to make sure they get it yourself. That might mean taking them to private therpists, paying for it yourself, or doing it yourself. Don't sit back and expect the school to provide what your child needs. And, what they do provide, remember "you get what you pay for" The difference between private speech therapy and what he gets at school is night and day. When we were paying $40 for 1/2 hr, he got one-on-one, intense therapy that did him a lot of good. At school, he gets 20 minutes of speech therapy with a group of 4 kids and one therapist once a week, and that's considered GREAT - most kids only get it once a week! It hasn't helped at all, but it is keeping him from loosing the gains he got from the year of private therapy, and at this time he's getting a lot more out of the OT, so that's where our limited $$ has to go. Luckily, he is in a "normal" classroom so I haven't had to deal with special education - I'm sure that would be a mess, too. You hear constantly that you must be your child's advocate. When your child has special needs, it's almost your full time job to be his or her advocate. Also, make sure the Aspergers diagnosis is the correct one. Sensory Integration Disorder has a lot of the same manifestations - have you read "The Out Of Sync Child" - it's like the "bible" for SID. Even with the "battles" I feel that school is the best place for my son. I know I could not provide what he needs at home, and I feel it's important that kids have "cultural litteracy" that school provides. It gives us all one common experience. Good luck to you - you've got a tough row to hoe! It sounds like you are up to the battle, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

yarrow, the fact that you are persevering through a difficult situation, indicates that you are a woman worthy of respect. And your statements that you are struggling and feeling unworthy of the challenge, makes you human. I agree with the others that you (and your DH) desperately need a support group of others who are dealing with similar challenges. You can encourage one another, and just to have those people to be able to call when you desperately need a friend who understands (because they are walking in your shoes) is vital. On line help can be helpful, but it will never take the place of real people who can give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug. 2. If it were me, I would also sit down with DH, and (quietly, without yelling) tell him that everything in me wants to give up and walk away from this situation, and yet, I would explain that I cared about him, and knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for him to go it alone. I would say that I had three conditions to staying and supporting him and helping him to raise his son. A. Could he talk privately to his mother, and explain that her critical spirit (comments) and attitude has created a situation where you simply want to give up, and walk away. He needs to explain to her that you need her unwaivering support, encouragement, and friendship. She needs to understand that if his marriage fails, that it will come down to he and his mother raising this boy with so many needs. He needs her to understand that he loves you, and he expects her to give you encouragement, kindness, and support so that he does not find himself struggling on his own to raise his son. He should also let her know that he appreciates her help and love for this child. So many grandparents today are doing their own thing, and not helping with their grandchildren, and she needs to hear that he is grateful for her help. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. B. Then you and your DH need to schedule a meeting with this boys doctor, and a counselor (even if by telephone if out of the area) who specializes in guiding parents through parenting issues that are unique to autistic families, such as disapline, setting routines, diet, etc. and come up with a very concrete parenting plan. For many of us, it does not seem right to spank a child who is fundamentally unable to understand, or control behavior. It seems cruel somehow. And I say this, not judging you, because I imagine that you are trying to parent as best you can in a difficult situation. And perhaps that is why your husband may tell you to do this, but may not be able to handle it because at some level he feels it is cruel too. And yet you have very frustrating problems to deal with, from the boys behavior, that would stretch many beyond their limits. So pay a counselor for an hour or two of their time, to help you understand how you should handle discipline with this child. You may also want to talk to a specialist(s) at your sons school to find how they discipline autistic students at school, and any others questions you and your husband have. Then the two of you should come up with a firm game plan, and sit down with his mom, and explain the game plan, the diet that will be followed "exactly" and why, and that you need her full commitment to following the plan, because it is necessary that you all do everything you can to help this child, and the plan is to try everything the specialists recommend to try and give this boy a better life, which will help each of you as well. Perhaps his mother should be included at the doctors visits so that she is very clear on why all of this is so important, and is in on the game plan. 3. And last, think about your other two children, and your marriage. The other two need "fun" time with just you at least once a week. It can be a simple as taking a walk, just the three of you and listening to them, without distractions. Reminding them of your love for them, and allowing them to talk about their feelings, and staying connected with them. And your marriage needs a date night at least twice a month, because it is so important. It sounds as though you love your man, and want to support him. I imagine that he too gets overwhelmed, and yet you are both doing your best, and you are both human. You both get tired, frustrated, and discouraged, and yet...together you have the ability to do this exceptional job of raising a boy whose needs are great. You have come this far! Pat each other on the back, and look at each other and tell one another how proud you are of the people you are, and are becoming. I believe that you must both be exceptional! Become each others best friend, and work together. P.S. Give yourself a break on those hard days, and remind yourself of all the good things about you, because you are one of those people who are willing to hang in there and persevere when the going gets tough! I respect that. Just get your support group together, even if you have to drive an hour to find them! They will become vital friends to have! We all wish you the best as you find your way. You will be awesome!

Hey milly, Im in the uk and I use gritty mix, and I use reptibark from Amazon, turface I get from tesco cat litter, and perlite from anywhere, although I tend to leave out the bark these days because the only good stuff I can find I have to get from Amazon as reptibark and is too big so I literally spend hours in front of the tv with pliers breaking up the chunks! The things we do for plants... Perlite/turface alone does a great job ime, and I actually find it easier to water because bark sometimes "floats" to the top when watering. The cat litter is a tad on the small side, but as long as you screen the small bits it works great. Perlite is easy, normally very suitable sized particles, just screen out small bits, but make sure it doesn't come with any 'additives' like ferts. I would love to use a nice grit, cause perlite looks a bit garish, and always floats to the top because it's so light, also doesn't weight down plants all that great, but I can't for the life of my find a good source of grit which looks good and isn't expensive aquarium grit D: I'm sure @greenclaws will reply soon, but I'm guessing she adds abit of soil to increase water retention a bit? Gritty mix is fantastic, but is very gritty. For my drier succulents it's literally perfect, and it works great for other plants too, even my mango tree seedling! But you have to be reeeeeeaaallly vigilant with it, because sometimes it dries real quick and plants like jades can shrivel a bit and not achieve maximum growth potential. A bit of soil, while compromising gritty mix's aeration, can make the mix a lot more usable. I have jades in pure gritty, soil/perlite, and pure soil, and I do find my soil jades do better because I can't quite keep up with them. But only marginally. I dunno, that's my understanding anyway :P You also need to fert regularly with gritty mix. hope this helps a bit! Aaron

First of all, who is "we"? How many people will be working on this? I think this is WAY too many items even if you were ten very experienced people. You write, "I have no idea what I'm doing," so I'm guessing you don't have a lot of experience with cooking for large groups. This is actually much too much even if you use a caterer. You'd have to have way too much food and a lot of waste with so many choices -- at least 55 servings of every item times 21 items. Most will be untouched. So you need to do two things.: First, drastically simplify your menu, and I mean by like 85%. You've already got a candyish appetizer and a special drink that you say the guest of honor insists upon. Then I would eliminate everything else except any one of items 1, 2, or 3; and then also items 11, 13, and 14. Which is: some kind of sandwichy thing, Caesar salad, fruit kabobs, and vegetable tray. Also coffee and some nonalcoholic drink. You can add a simple dessert -- one -- unless you think you're sort of serving dessert first with those goodies. Make sure everything on your menu can be eaten by someone standing with a plate in her hand. Nothing that requires a knife and fork and nothing messy (chili, meatballs, taco salad, yogurt). Second, this is a large group, so unless you all really really know what you're doing, please consider hiring a caterer to do all or at least some of the food. You may be pleasantly surprised that the difference in price is less than you think (the caterer I use actually often costs a bit less than doing it myself). Or you can order pre made platters of things. Sometimes I'll cook, say, a main dish and a dessert and order fruit and cheese trays and salads. For 55 people you should get some help, not necessarily professionals, but even a couple of teenagers. They will help you set up, clear away used plates and cups throughout the party, replenish pitchers and platters, and clean up. It also helps keep your guests from trying to help, which can really detract. At the most recent shower I gave, a brunch for only 19 or so people, I almost didn't bother with a helper, but thank goodness I did: when the first guest tried to get coffee from the percolator, all she got was water -- it hadn't worked right. So the helper ran to Starbucks for cartons of coffee. Unforeseeable stuff like that. The simpler you keep it, the better it will be, I promise. If the hosts are stressed out, no matter how good the food is, the guests are miserable. It will be a lovely party. Have a good time!