I think your husband should have asked if your hosts minded him saying grace. It also would have been appropriate for you each to have said your own silent grace. That said, I think your hosts were a little rude for moving around and taking drinks - personally I think they may have been making it known they didn't appreciate your husband presuming they wanted or were okay with grace said at their dinner table.

I am not particularly religious, however, when people pray before dinner in my presence, I am as still and respectful as possible. I think it's only polite.

I don't know what Emily Post would say, but I think as a guest you follow the lead of the host. If you know your hosts are not religious and a grace won't be forthcoming, a silent grace would be more appropriate.

In our home or if we are the hosts, we say grace before each meal. But if we are in someone else's home or at a restaurant with other people, we either ask if we can say grace or say a silent prayer.

I was taught that a well-mannered guest follows the host's lead as much as possible.

Prayer said by one person: Sit/stand still and bow head.
Prayer said by group: Join in if it's comfortable for you to do, otherwise sit/stand still and bow head.
No prayer said: Say a quick silent prayer or pray earlier/later in private. (My mother used to say, "Don't worry. God hears silent prayers just as well.")

If saying grace aloud is something your husband considers to be essential, he should check with his host before accepting an invitation that includes a meal in a private home. Some people would be willing to allow him to say grace. Others may prefer not to alter their own customs, and there's no reason they should have to in their own homes.

Spirituality and religious practices are deeply personal. Home is a sacred place to me. Anyone who did what your husband did would not receive another invitation from me.

We don't say grace, but my Mother does (after she remarried she picked up her religion again). When we're at her house, we just bow our heads while they say it, but she's insisted on doing it at our house when she's over for dinner. It kind of made everyone uncomfortable, so now she does it silently. I noticed that she doesn't do it if we're out to dinner, tho...curious! I think her husband does it silently, and we go along and give him a moment of silence.

As a guest, I would also concur that you should say it silently, if saying grace is an integral part of your custom. I also think it's possible your hosts, since they don't say grace, might not have been aware of your custom and may have been uncomfortable while it was said. I do know some people who do not wish to participate, even by staying silent for a moment. I've felt that even tho I don't participate, I always respectfully stay still for the moment, out of respect for others, but it's an entirely personal thing.

Do your guests say Amen afterward? I don't, nor do I after a prayer is said at a funeral or something.

I wouldn't be surprised if your hosts had already had the discussion about what they would do if you asked or merely went ahead and said grace. Their home, and they started dinner while you said grace.
I think your sentence "In fact, they are not churchgoers" says it all. I am not a church goer and you need to understand that that does not make me or your hosts bad people, it doesn't make me an evil person, nor does it make me less than you in the eyes of anybody.

Silent grace would have been more appropriate in someone else's home.

How long did did this prayer last? If it was brief, as it should have been, there wouldn't have been time to start clanking dinnerware around. You'd think the first time they made noise during grace he would have got the message and from that point on said a quick silent prayer to himself. If he continued doing it his way in spite of their "social queues" then one has to question if he had an agenda on his mind.

A silent grace would have been the polite choice. Does your husband believe that silent grace doesn't "count"? Was this an attempt to proselytize? It does sound like someone had an agenda, especially if it was kept up all week. I can see the hosts losing it by the end.

We say grace as a family, but never with guests who are not of the same religion. We want our guests to be comfortable. Who wants awkwardness at the dinner table?

Well, it is THEIR home. I would have asked if they minded if we said grace. If they did, a silent grace to myself would have been appropriate.

My religion is very important to me as is our church, but it is a very personal thing, not something I push on others.

I agree with you, vickij, and I think your husband's actions were a bit presumptuous. Sounds like these are probably close enough friends that they wouldn't harbor any resentment though.

We just say with a friendly smile, "we say grace before meals, so if you'll excuse us for a few seconds..." and get it over with quickly. Nobody's complained yet! I think people well understand that some do this sort of thing, some do not, and can allow for brief individual differences without spoiling the dinner.

oops I mispelled cue as queue!

This reminds me of a story a friend told me. Years ago she was a peace corp volunteer in Malaysia, which is a muslim country. She befriended a woman there. To keep in touch she invites her to come visit after she returned home to San Francisco. The woman takes her up on the offer and stays in my friend's guest bedroom. But she doesn't *leave her religion* back home. My friend later told me had she known the rituals this woman would go through she would have thought twice about inviting her. Apparently some aspect of her praying involves water so she would use the bathroom for this...leaving a puddle of water on the bathroom floor each time she was done. My friend had to keep wiping the floor after her which you can imagine got to be pretty annoying. I asked if she wasn't mistaking praying for taking a shower and she said no, the woman was doing this several times a day. Never did understand what that was all about... my point is that she didn't contain her religious ritual so that it wouldn't spill over into the other person's space. That's where she crossed the line. No one would tell her not to pray, just don't get everyone else involved with it. Anyway, she was never invited back.

Here's another quick story...my MIL was a devout Catholic who never missed mass. When she announced she would be visiting us after we were first married I was forwarned she attends church every day. Busy enough as it was now I had to locate a church for her to go to while she was here and arrange for someone to take her there because she didn't like driving in a strange city. Was it a great imposition, not really, except for my husband who had to sit with her in church (something he would never do on his own). Even though I understood this was her ritual I couldn't help but wonder would it have killed her to skip it for a few days? Was it really that necessary or was she showing off to prove how religious she was?

I think people should think these things through before they become a guest in someone else's home. And it goes both ways too. Some folks may not want to be left sitting alone in another person's house while they run off to Sunday service. There's room for flexibility so when someone is that rigid it comes across as inconsiderate.

Wait. You were the hosts, not the guests. In your house, do as you wish. If you are the guests and the hosts don't pray, then a silent prayer is appropriate.

Wait. You were the hosts, not the guests. In your house, do as you wish.

They were the hosts for the first visit then -

Last week we were guests in their home for the week. My husband insisted on saying grace before each meal. Our hosts were gracious enough not to object but I did notice that they did not really participate in the grace. In fact, they both did such things as taking a drink, picking up the silverware, etc. while my husband was saying grace.

A slightly different perspective---I am not a believer. When I go to friends' or family's houses and they say grace, I bow my head and am respectfully silent. If I'm out to dinner with friends, and they wish to say grace, I bow and am silent. However, in my own house, I believe my guests should follow my lead. Imposing your beliefs on your guests in your own home is one thing, but imposing your beliefs on your hosts in their own home seems to me to be going too far. I believe a silent prayer would have been much more courteous. I never try to impose my disbelief on others and wish so much that I would be treated with the same respect.
Pat

Is this the first time the issue has come up? It seems that you must be very good friends of long standing to be comfortable having in them in your home for a week, and then staying in theirs for another week. A week can be a long time.

I am also wondering how long the grace lasted. If it was more than 8 or 10 seconds, that would be waaay too long. I'd fidget, too.

I think it just depends on the persons involved. I am agnostic and do not believe in organized religon. However, I am very laid back about what other people want to do as long as it does not result in a hassle for me.

My mom is very religious--a deacon in her church. She automatically says grace before dinner in her home--I am quiet and sometimes bow my head and close my eyes.

She asks first before saying grace when we are out to eat and in my home--athough she knows that my answer is always yes--go ahead.

I don't care if she prays, and I am quiet while she does so. I don't feel as though she is forcing her beliefs on me. It does not feel rude to me for her to be allowed to do what it so important to her--especially since its no big deal to just be quiet for a minute or two.

I feel the same about anyone saying grace--not just my mom. I am fine with it--doesnt put me out.

I think that the relationship between the parties is important. I think anyone who is a guest should ask before saying grace. And if the host and guests are not close, then perhaps a silent prayer is in order rather than even asking as that could cause some awkwardness depending on the host.

In the OP situation, the guest and host were close enough friends to spend a week at a time in each other's homes. So, I think that the husband should have asked and the hosts should have felt comfortable enough to either agree or disagree about the husband saying grace.

I think if the husband had asked first and the hosts agreed, then making noise during grace was rude. If he didnt ask first--that was rude (in my opinion)--but I still think that the hosts were rude to make noise.

And if it is obvious that saying grace outloud is making the host uncomfortable--it is rude to do it as a guest.

So there is my book outlining my opinion LOL!

Have to agree that if you are a guest in another's home for a meal, a personal silent prayer would be the best way to handle it.

I am wondering if the issue of religion has ever come up in conversation with these friends. If you are spending a long period of time in a friend's home as a guest (and I think a week qualifies as a long period of time to be a guest), it may be a good idea to talk about everyone's comfort level with regard to prayer prior to a meal.

Really, if your DH wishes his religious beliefs to be respected, I think he should respect your friends' beliefs or lack thereof. No harm, no foul.

My MIL says grace before every meal but she does it silently & when she's at our house it's pretty quick.

In this case; depending on when they started moving around; my answer would be different. They could have felt it was too long; if they gave you enough time to do so quickly; then they started moving around- they were saying that it was too long. If they started moving around before he started speaking; then they probably feel he should have done so silently.

It's so hard to know without asking.. which is what I would do. Ask them what they want you to do if you're a guest in their house again. Tell them that it was probably uncomfortable for both of you.