Marleah, since you go to the rose forum, perhaps you know my story? I posted on the conversations side of the rose forum about my dad and his fight against leukemia, which was lost Feb 6 last year. I know how you feel. I was with my dad almost every day for almost 9 months, and before that, it was at least once a week. Talking on the phone many times a day was something we also did. Breaking that habit was hard. You can't turn back time, nor can I. The day my dad died, I had a doctor appt which took me away a "good" 3 hours. I kick myslef regularly for leaving because when I got back, he wasn't able to speak much or long. He managed to say I love you before never being able to speak again. I can't imagine what we could have talked about in the few hours I was gone. I like you, were there for our dad's. I have 2 sisters; one living on the West coast that came out a few times when he was mostly in the hospital and weak; the other, she didn't return his calls and spent his last day going through insurance paperwork. They both have to live with their decisions; as I do mine. I put my own family on hold during those 9 months; but there were days when I had to deal with my family and not go to the hospital to see dad. One day was counseling for my daughter; she'd lost her uncle when my dad was 1st diagnosed, then right after Halloween my ex sister in law (her godmother) died suddenly at 41; so she lost both her aunt & uncle who were married. This particular day dad was at death's door & I didn't find out until later that night. The doctor called to tell me that he didn't think he;d try to save him next time :( By the time I got there the next day, my dad was sitting up eating pancakes lol When you have kids life is hectic. Since you work in a hospital, you know most people having that proceedure do fine. You couldnt see into the future, and know that he wouldn't. You did manage to spend time with him. My dad even though he was sleeping / resting knew I was with him at the hospital; I'm sure your dad did too. You're a good daughter. You found time in your busy life to sit with him. You really should have no regrets; I don't think your dad would want you to. I know my dad thought the world of the care I gave him those months; he told everyone how proud he was of me; and how much I knew about his cancer. Stop being so hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive. Since you work at the hospital, you probably know that a lot of the patients don't have visitors all of the time. The doctors used to tell me about the difference my visits made; and how some people don't have visitors regularly. You have to grieve, it's going to take time. The other day i found a pic of dad and lost it. I keep 2 photos of us on my desk and made a memory frame for this room; also one for each kid - their's holds a few of his momentos, my son has a watch, his lighter, my daughter has a little plastic frog he had in his car. I have no clue why this pic made me cry when I see these others daily. Did your dad garden? Little things remind me of him. I'll be working in the garden and see a worm from his old house (they are visibly different then the worms down here - I collected them when we moved him down here) or I've been pulling up lilies & daffs getting ready to sell my house. Of course I'm digging blind & from memory. I'll talk to my dad while digging, asking if the sale is going to happen and if I'm doing this for nothing. Next thing I know, I find a jackpot of bulbs. Christmas was especially hard here also. My dad used to buy my kids Hess trucks. I couldn't make up my mind whether I'd continue the tradition - especially since my 21 yr old son is very sensative & also had a close bond to dad - my dad helped me raise him. Since he never had a son, he was the apple of his eye. Anyway, my son couldn't decide on the trucks, so the Sunday before Christmas I asked hubby to pick them up. I decided not to wrap them, nor to make a "big deal" about them. I slid them pretty far under the tree. I was an emotional wreak. I went to the couch crying. All of a sudden I smelled my dad's breakfast - scrambled eggs with Hungarian yellow peppers. It's not a common smell. I realized he was there with me, he was telling me "don't cry". I got through the day knowing I wasn't alone. The next morning, Christmas; I put the CD player on. I have 5 CD's on shuffle, and even though it's on shuffle, it pretty much plays the same every time. This time it started with a song I associate with my dad; Blue Christmas by Anne & Nancy Wilson. There's 2 versions of the song on theses CD's but this song was the 1st to play. I knew dad was again in the house; and I managed to get through the day. Of course I cried like hell when the song came on; but after a good cry I was ready to face the day and try to have a decent holiday. I think that once you slow down and allow yourself to see these little things; you will realize your dad is visiting you too. It's not easy, trust me; but we have to go on for our kids. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't see it easing any time soon for myself; but I don't think my dad would want me to be down all of the time, especially in front of other people.

Hi Dennis, I am very sorry for your losses of both your father and sister. I lost my mother 7 years ago today, my only son shortly before birth in 1986, and then my only other living child, Erica, at age 18 this past June, in an auto accident. Whether an anticipated death or a sudden one, none are easy. I think we all carry our experiences with death onto and into the loss of our next loss we suffer, and it stirs emotions long-forgotten. I know of that place you described, thinking, "okay, I've got it together now, things will be alright, I WILL survive". Then, whammo, you lose someone, and it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under you. That is how I felt when my daughter, Erica died. Please come back and check in with us, share what you need...we're here for you. Emma in PA

Topamax was what my dr. wanted to put me on, it's dangerous Actually for epileptic seizures. I told him after they took MIdrin off the market(compounding pharmacies will sometimes make it) I wanted to try what 100 hrs of research on Internet told me. Children can not be given Imitrex as too dangerous so they have found that they can give even a 3 month old baby an herb from Germany called Butterbur, it has to be purified or could cause problems but my dr. didn't think much of it but I've gone to him for almost 40 yrs so he said he would look into it. He called back that night & said he had also found 3 more very reputable studies & recommended by American Pediatric & Surgeons Academy& said yes by all means try it & see how it works. It is supposed to take 3 mos to work. 1 week later I noticed when I put lotion on my hands that they weren't sore as usual(broke wrist while back) that was nice but didn't think it was helping with headaches but gradually I was able to reduce prescription med. So went from 8 Midrin(generic) down to about 4 a day & as summer came I could tolerate a little AC. still allergic to any kind of smoke, cigarette,BBQ, forest fire, they still messed over me good. But after being on butterbur for 2 yrs & 3 mos I sometimes don't need any to get through the day, if humid or in AC 1 or 2. Strange thing too, my hair as kid gave me headaches as so thick, I wore 3 ponytails 1 under the other to ease headaches, Often had stomach aches, but just thought it was sick mom, taking care of 4 little bros. etc. Didn't know anyone if family had migraines until went to specialist ,several actually & then found out 3 cousins on dad's side ,his 3 sisters, & his mom all had them. Was told to avoid all the triggers I could & I was like "bubble boy"(wonder if he ever got out of that thing) I could not figure out why when 100 degrees out I would be down flat sick for 2 days or more. Finally I heard same thing on news often enough that it rang a bell- strong winds coming up coast of Mexico expected to move on out towards Hawaii by later today- UH! Why am I sick every time storm off coast of CA. Nobody recognized that weather & barometric changes could make you sick. I kept insisting to point I would tell dr. storm was coming even before news reported it ,I told friends it was going to rain or get windy & they laughed & then came back & said" How did you know" So even with keeping track of what you eat staying away from nitrates,msg,bananas, all the things, there are unseen things like smoke or chemicals or weather changes that some of us can't deal with without getting migraine. Interesting that 3 mo. old baby has migraines(guess it's not imaginary as child too young to dream a migraine up- they can tell from MRI) So if you look up Butterbur get it at Whole Foods grocery by co. called Solaray out of Park City Utah. Health food stores didn't have it except mixed with feverfew(allergic to that) & I don't want any more junk in my body than I have to have to feell good. Oh, about the hair, got really thin with all the medicine, well about 3 mos ago I noticed I had hair flying around all over & everybody said, wow, your hair is getting long around your face(rest in bun) so I am getting more hair in on my head. What butterbur does is stabilize blood vessels so they don't go up & down all day & clears a lot of inflammation out of them. My sore veins from broken wrist no longer hurting showed me that it was actually working some after 1 week. It smells like a weed even through the clear capsule & comes in 50 mg ones. Take 3-4 a day I take with meals & it doesn't not react with anything else medicines or foods. Outside of adjusting to smell it's terrific. I'm about 80 % better than I was 2 yrs ago & I have been through so much stress with sick & dying parents, hospitals, rehab, etc Had I not started butterbur I would not have been able to care for my dad & now my mom. I've had 2 headaches bad enough to put me in bed for hours since 1st of year. Back then it would have been 2 times a week! It is reasonably priced also. Bottle of 60 last 20 days for little under $20. Since I don't use much prescription drug I get to keep all that money that went for it. I did see big bottles by this company on Dr. OZ 1 day & so probably easier to find it. Check it out yourself & if you have a child with migraines this is what they need to take & not bunch of prescriptions(will need them for awhile until this herb gets working in their system)

Viola Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad 10 months ago. He was 68 and I was 34. I think the same way that you are. It will be hard to go through life for the next 30-40 years without dad. My dad helped me out with watching my kids while I worked. He was such a great dad. I miss him horribly. Everything you are feeling is normal. It doesnt seem fair and at times the sorrow cuts like a knife deep inside my heart. Then I get so mad that he died. I guess all these feelings are normal. Your life will never be the same again, something just changes when you lose someone you love. When I lost my dad I felt so alone and realized wow its really time to grow up now because when mom and dad are still here, a part of you stays there little girl. There is no easy answer. Just try to keep yourself busy and cry when you need to. Talking to other people who are going through similiar thing helps me. I dont like going around people who still have there parents. I guess I am jealous, not sure,. In the end we will be reunited again. My prayers are coming your way. Keep posting