You listen to real friends when they are occasionally negative because they are real friends. This woman does not sound like she was ever a real friend, she was a neighbor.

I believe you are doing both yourself and her a disservice by not taking the time (and energy) to shut down the relationship. And in the long run, it will sap more of your energy to keep her on the back burner than it would to deal with her now.

There are all kinds of people in the world and she may find someone who is as happy as a clam with her company; or she may find that she is very lonely, do some soul searching, and realize that she might need to change her approach.

I've had to shut out people in the past, and being that I am very non confrontational,
I chose the silent route, the not available route, eventually people get the hint.

I'm always in awe of people who can have "that" conversation, and I'll be checking for responses here with interest.

I think that since you were rid of her for a while, it might take less time to do that this time even though she thinks you have reconnected by this coincidental reunion. She might have just been babbling from nervousness and will not follow through on getting together again.

Her being "furious" at you at that restaurant episode is a good indicator of what kind of person she is; I would use that episode as a "deal breaker" if you decide to have a conversation about that fact you're "breaking up" with her.

good luck and keep us posted !!

I have been in your shoes before. I knew that the person I needed to cut out of my life was extremely confrontational and aggressive, and I just did not have the time, energy, interest, or desire to explain myself, fight her off, or otherwise engage in what I knew would be a difficult and draining position--I simply did not want to invest that kind of energy into a relationship that was already difficult for me.

You have an advantage, I think, that your paths don't often cross. Politely turn down her every overture, without elaborate explanation or justification. I think staging an honest "clearing of the air" session with this woman would only be painful and exhausting. This is not a relationship to put more energy into; it's one you want to die on the vine.

I have a wonderful friend, who at the beginning of our close friendship, said something that changed my life.
We were out walking in her neighborhood and it was quite sunny and hot and I was complaining about the heat. A lot.
she said " I don't think I'll want to be with you if you're going to be that way" and I immediately grasped that if I wanted this wonderful person in my life I would have to change. And I did.

Friendship is a two way street but what she did for me was to open my eyes, I needed to give as well as receive, and although I am also very non confrontational, I have become more honest in my relationships instead of playing games.

I have a "friend"...known her for years and lived next door for 22 years....our boys were best friends.
She was always odd...tall, gawky...seemed "stuck up" to people...but I realized she was just insecure.
I..we...tried to include them now and then, and I would have mid afternoon coffee now and then...but she was really very odd. After my husband died and she moved about 2 blocks away, we continued to see each other for dinner when her husband was travelling.
Then her husband left her, because he said she was "rude, selfish and inconsiderate"..( was he ever spot on!) and she velcro-ed herself to me. I felt sorry for her and allowed it. Poured her countless bottles of wine, supplied boxes of Kleenex while she cried and wondered why he would leave his happy home.....then when he married his secretary....I poured and listened again. That went on for about 2 1/2 years...and eventually got to the point where we only got together about every 2 weeks....but that was a strain. She would do amazing things like invite me for dinner...just us 2....and ask if I could bring a loaf of bread....then say if you want Scotch I don't have any....and when I got there with my loaf of home made bread and bottle of Scotch....say...I don't have any ice!
Or she would come to my house and say "I need a glass of wine and some conversation..." and I poured us a glass sat down....she takes 2 sips and says..."I have been drinking some better wines....do you have anything else?'....and I went and got another bottle and opened it!!
Well last summer 2010, she committed to me the ultimate rude inconsiderate gaffe.....and I decided that's it. So I now refuse all invitations from her....am busy when she wants to get together and don't answer the phone when she calls. And more and more people are doing the same thing.
I feel sorry for her because she seems to have no idea why people are avoiding her....but value my sanity.
It takes a while but I believe just ignoring is the best way to sever a relationship....less traumatic for all.
Linda C

How wonderful that you find tall people odd, Linda!
Good gracious.

I "had" a friend for several years and our sons were fairly good friends. When we did get together for coffee or walks I always found the conversations a little difficult because apparently her kids were "perfect" and mine, because of my "poor" parenting skills, were not.
My DH would take her son and ours skiing quite a bit and although she and her DH skied, the invitations were always one way. A few years ago, with the advent of cell phones, she would call and say she was trying to reach her son and why didn't my DH or son have their cell phones on. She would Call my DH irresponsible for not having his cell phone on. Oh and her son would forget his cell phone (I wonder why?) and that was somehow my fault/responsibility.

If anything went wrong with one of her childs friendships it was always the other families fault, according to her and her kids were always in the right, according to her, in any troubling situation. Years later I found out that she and her kids were not well-liked in the neighbourhood because of her attitude towards everyone.

Anyway, you don't criticize my husband (that's my job and no one else's - just kidding) and so I cut her out of my life with no conversation and no warning. And now a mutual friend is trying to stop the friendship as well for similar reasons. Being blamed for being a few minutes late for coffee, or suggesting a sub-trade for a small job and then having her yell at the trade for a "poor" job and then yelling at my friend for sending her such an incompetent person and on it goes.

I don't understand people who refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour and actions, people who refuse to give others the benefit of the doubt occasionally, and people who refuse to accept others foibles, or people who think that they are perfect and have the right to be critical of others.

Lucille, I have certainly come to that conclusion.

Mitch, I think you are on to something. Maybe it will be easier this time around. I do think she felt a little lost at that event and that's why she appended herself to us! I also think you are exactly right to suggest the restaurant experience as a marker of what was wrong if I do have to have that conversation. The other unpleasantries have been more subtle and would be less easy to communicate.....eyerolls, tone of voice, etc.

Kkay, agree that this has sapped enough of my energy...even in coming here to look for some wisdom. I like your "die on the vine" image!

Bumble, not sure I am understanding your comment...whether you think I am playing games or not being as honest as I should be. I am happy that a confident and positive person had the guts to help you see a different path and that you have a very dear friend as a result. Good for you!

Linda, your story makes me sad and a little ill. I am sorry you put up with so much for so long.

BLFenton, it is especially difficult when your kids are friends, I know. Been there, done that. Or when you are kind of friends with the Mom and your own kid hates her children. Eeek. My daughter is off to college next year and I will miss her, but man, will it be good to be done with that part of parenting! :-)

We had a similar experience with a particular family elsewhere who had alienated so many people. When we moved to town, they practically jumped us. It didn't take too long to realize what a black hole they were. My husband is a sweet guy and he hates to cut people off. But I told him it was them or me.

For me, a lot depends on the history of the relationship. If it has been close and highly valued, then I'd probably have the I-can't-continue-this-way conversation. In other circumstances, I'd just let the relationship fade away. "I'm sorry, I'm not available," is honest and allows the other person to retain her dignity.

There are cases when "the less said the better" - like when someone is quick to anger, gets angry or hurt far out of proportion to the situation or tends to think other are wrong. I see little to be gained in those circumstances. No matter how nicely you try to say that relationship has run its course, the conversation is likely to spiral out of control. If you tell the person directly what isn't working for you, the result will probably be hurt, anger and defensiveness. You may even get a lecture on how wrong you are. If you're vague, all the other person has to do is ask "why" to make the conversation very awkward very quickly.

Sometimes you allow someone into your life because of proximity....and sometimes because you have fun with them or they make you think.
This woman I am talking about had a habit of putting herself down in such a way that in order to keep the conversation going you had to disagree. For example, you are at her house eating a salad she has made and saying the obligatory..."mmm this is good thank you". And she says "I think it's a little too sweet, don't you"....and "here it needs salt" or "you are such a good cook, I can never get it right"....in another instance she will say "I never know what to wear....my daughter picked this out for me....but I don't know...it was very expensive, but do you think it's too clingy...or too yellow?" Nothing to say but it's beautiful you look lovely....you don't say that it's too clingy for a 65 year old woman with a bubble butt! She forces you constantly to reassure her.....

I think that if I told her the REAL reason people are avoiding her, she would first of all deny it and secondly be hurt even more than if I just avoid her.
Some might call that passive aggressive but I think it's a less confrontational way.
And Bumble, only you would think that "odd, tall and gawky" would mean that I said "odd because she was tall". Non confrontational?

I understand where you're coming from, Linda. There are some people that you just simply know you won't be able to get through to, so you don't even bother "going there." You choose instead to distance yourself as much as possible and hope that in the end, your paths just never cross again, or else that the person is (miracle of miracles) somehow astute enough to pick up on the vibe that you don't want them to be a part of your life. I too am non-confrontational on the whole, but growing a bit more self-assured in certain ways. I will no longer apologize for negative things that are not attributable to my actions just to appease someone else's passive-aggressive stance, nor will I make repeated overtures in an attempt to salvage a relationship that leaves me emotionally drained. I think it's easier when the toxic person in question is simply an outside acquaintance/"friend"; so much more difficult when the offender is a family member and you feel you must still put up a certain front in order to keep familial peace. But that's a topic for a whole "'nother" thread.

I had a friend that had a really witchy streak. She could be fun and kind and helpful and then we would be somewhere and she would just turn on people. A lot of our mutual acquaintances disliked her. I knew she had issues but she had a lot of good qualities so I always defended her.

I decided before a particular potentially high stress situation that if she turned witchy that I would discreetly take her aside and diplomatically ask her about it. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I thought our friendship was strong enough to withstand the honesty. Ha.

It was a HUGE mistake. She harangued me for over an hour and twisted things around so her mistreatment of people was my problem. Our friendship never recovered from it and I learned a really hard lesson about keeping my mouth shut. Now I just avoid "drama" people.

I've been reading this thread with great interest because I once worked with someone who was, um, let's just call it high maintenance from a friend/acquaintance standpoint. She never understood why former workmates wouldn't stay in touch once they had left the company. She thought these people were her friends when really they just tolerated her because they had to work with her. I often wondered why she didn't figure out that her self-centered behavior was the issue.

I was curious to see how many posters would counsel the original poster to confront the offensive "friend" because I just can't imagine how to handle such a confrontation successfully.

I'm going through that right now. She's a neighbor which makes it worse. This woman calls me every day on the phone expecting to chat for an hour or two or three. My handset has a speaker so I just let her talk away while I clean the house.

Nothing I hate more than a person who talks AT me instead of TO me. Have you met people like that? You start to appreciate there is an art to conversation when you meet people who don't understand that it should be TWO WAY! She talks, I listen. I have no sympathy for her problems because she's so self-serving. Has no interest in my life. Day after day she calls mostly to repeat what she said the day before. She lives alone. Talking on the phone is her favorite pasttime whereas when I'm bored I turn on the TV or get on the internet.

When I tried to ween her off of me by not answering the phone she started calling at odd hours like 10pm or 9am in an effort to catch me. She would even show up at my door if I didn't answer the phone after a couple days. I can't not ever answer her calls or she'll think I've died or something so now I "return her phonecall" with an email. She hates email because she can't monopolize the conversation and you're in control.

That's what I recommend you try. Don't answer her phone call, instead reply by email so you're still being polite. With a properly scripted email you can impart a message without being overtly rude. Doesn't require brutal honesty. The shorter the response the quicker she'll realize you aren't interested in her.

If I'm not home when my neighbor calls she'll have a conversation with MY ANSWERING MACHINE! She doesn't just leave a message she will talk until the machine cuts her off. DH laughs that even the machine can't listen to her for very long. She's the only person who has ever run the time out on my machine.

A couple of times she's run the battery down on my handset because she's talked so long. I thought we had been disconnected but a slow walk to the other end of my house to pick up another receiver revealed that we hadn't. I just wanted to call her back to explain I didn't hang up on her when I realized we hadn't been disconnected. She was still talking! Completely unaware that there was no one on the other end. Didn't matter a bit to her. LOL

The problem comes when people are too dense to pick up on "social queues". Those are the ones we all loathe because they force you to act in a way you'd rather not ...rude, curt, or the bearer or the silent treatment. But when polite hints fail you do what you gotta do!

The problem comes when people are too dense to pick up on "social queues". Those are the ones we all loathe because they force you to act in a way you'd rather not ...rude, curt, or the bearer or the silent treatment. But when polite hints fail you do what you gotta do!

Thank you!!!! Exactly So!! Interrupts, changes the subject, doesn't answer invitations and attend parties without an invitation, talks on and on etc.
What is that? a social disorder? Auspbergers? Or just the way they are?
Failure to pick up on social cues...Aha!

Go the silent treatment, especially if there are miles between your homes. Caller i.d. is good too.

I had a friend that I finally just had to stop talking to. I pulled the plug without warning. Then she'd email me and I wouldn't return emails, and to me that is rude, and I feel bad for it. But, oh well.

She was the type that if I didn't agree with her on everything, she'd get really mad at me, then give ME the silent treatment! Say what?!

I finally realized she was still living in Jr.high playing those Jr. High games. If she didn't like someone then by golly I couldn't like them either. Say what?! lol.

Now I feel good having her out of my life. She was just down right depressin to be with. And she never could take a joke. I'd be joking around and she'd think I was being serious. My mom was that way and it caused a lot of anger between us.

Silent treatment and caller i.d.

I'd like to hear about the best friend conversation sometime. I need to have one of those.

Oh Prill, it was difficult! But so worth it. It prompted her to look at patterns of behavior that thread through her life. I am really proud of her for doing some tough work.

On a happier (?) note, I have not heard a peep from my former neighbor.